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CHAPTER ELEVEN ERIK

Day Forty

T he red light blinked every ten seconds, letting us know that the main camera was recording as we sat shivering in the tent. The sun set at half past six, and the evening temps were hovering near the mid-forties. Our tent was warmed by the fire we kept burning twenty-four seven these days, but when we stepped outside to gather wood or check our fishing lines, it was nearly unbearable on naked skin.

Drew and I took turns gathering firewood in the forest behind our camp and made sure we were always two to three days ahead on the collection of timber due to most of it being damp this time of year. Stacking what we gathered in the tent allowed the wood to dry so we could burn it later to keep the small space warm. He argued with me about being outdoors, insisting he was in better shape weight wise to gather what we needed, but I wanted to pull my weight.

Drew carved another notch in a small log he'd found on day two. "Day number forty, baby," he said. His beard had grown in, and he looked slightly unkempt in a very sexy and rugged way, but we were clean thanks to my bar of soap we carefully rationed. I applied lotion to my body while he sat back and watched. "I'll get your back," he said. I ducked out of the camera's view and pointed at it, mouthing and reminding him we were filming. "I don't give a shit who sees us," he responded.

I shifted our conversation while stepping back into view. "I think I'm going to check the fishing lines," I said, wrapping the foil blanket around myself. "Maybe if we're lucky we can eat tonight."

"Lemme go instead, Erik," he said, rising to his feet, looking concerned. "It's fucking cold out there."

"You can't do everything," I argued. "Besides, I'm luckier."

Drew stepped toward me and tugged on my arms, once again ignoring the fact we were being filmed. "Warm up first," he said, rubbing my arms briskly before placing me in a bear hug.

"You're awfully close to crossing a dangerous line, big guy," I pointed out, offering him a chance to defend his actions on camera. Drew had been very affectionate the past few days and made zero attempt to hide his actions. "Don't forget that macho image of yours."

"Think I give a fuck about that at this point?" he said. "Everybody knows I'm crushing on you by now. We're not really subtle about it."

My eyes widened at his candor. "Always the jokester," I said, playing to the camera. "He talks like this out here in the wild, folks, but hunky Mr. Montana here will be right back to being America's heartbreaker after this challenge, ladies, so don't be worrying about him."

"I'm not joking, Erik. I like you," he stated.

"And I like you too, buddy. Now get out of my way while I go see if we eat tonight."

I slid the plywood barrier out of the way and ran to the river's edge to check the lines, praying there'd be a meal on one of them. There wasn't. With my head down, I made my way back to the camp, knowing the night would be long and the growling stomach would be loud once again.

I stepped back into our tent and shook my head. "Nothing," I whispered. I stood dejectedly inside the small space and gazed at Drew. He smiled and held a hand toward me but I couldn't muster the strength to grab it.

"I'm starving," I said. That was an understatement. My ribs were becoming more obvious and my cheeks were more prominent.

He came to me and held my hand. "I'll boil the rest of the mushrooms. We can pretend we're eating a fancy schmancy soup at some five-star restaurant," he teased. "It'll be good. I promise." Tears filled my eyes as I stared at him. "We'll be okay," he added, doing his best to comfort me.

"You're always so positive," I whispered, choking back the tears. "I'm worthless."

"Stop that right now," he began. "We are one of only two teams left, so that proves that we're kicking ass. Not to mention there's no one I'd rather be doing this with than you."

"Why are you always so nice to me?" I asked, stifling the need to bawl my eyes out. My emotions were all over the place. "I suck at this stuff and you got stuck with the weakest person. I'm failing us."

"Shut it," he protested. "Actually, you're carrying us," he explained. "Who found the tangled fishing line and hooks? Who found the plywood, the cushion, the assorted plastic bottles, huh? Not to mention who forages the best finds and catches the most fish? It's you, Erik. If anything, you're carrying me."

"You think?" I asked.

"I know," he replied. "And I've never had such a good time. I like being with you."

"Thank you," I said, sitting closer to the fire, trying desperately to stay warm.

Drew came up behind me and placed his hands on my shoulders. "I'm gonna miss you when this is over," he whispered. "I've grown attached to you."

"We can still be friends after we get home," I said, gauging his reaction. I didn't want to admit it but I was falling for him.

Drew sat beside me and put a hand on my bare knee, leaning into me and looking directly into the camera. "What if I wanted to be more than a friend?" he asked. I quickly looked away from him and the camera. He had to stop saying shit like that in full view. "Well?" he persisted.

"You can't do that, Drew."

"I can do whatever the hell I like, Erik. I'm an adult. I'm single, and I like you as more than a friend."

"You don't have a clue what that means or what you're getting yourself into. Besides, I don't like you like that," I said. It was a lie, but this was all new to me. What if he changed his mind? What if this was all part of how he played the game? This was a competition after all.

Drew looked like I'd slapped him. His face fell and he stared at me, his puppy dog eyes crushing my soul. "You don't?" he whispered.

"Because you're not serious, silly," I answered, laughing nervously.

"But I am." He stared into the camera. "I am totally serious. I want to be with you after all of this."

I stood and walked the four feet to the tripod, leaning in front of the lens for a super close-up. "Sorry, folks. I think it best we cut this for the night." I turned the camera off and turned to Drew. "What the fuck? I thought we were keeping this a secret for you."

"We're having sex, Erik. I'm falling for you, and I'm serious about us."

"But…" I ran out of words.

"But what? I can't fall for a great guy like you and want to be with you?" he asked. "I'm supposed to just be with you sexually and then ignore my heart? You don't know me that well, Erik, but I am not that man."

"This isn't real life, Drew. This is a stupid reality TV show, and you have an entirely different life once we get home," I reminded him.

"I'll tell you about my so-called life. I return to an empty life is what I do after this," he admitted. "I'm alone my entire life because I'm afraid all the time. Afraid to feel what I feel for you. Afraid to admit to my fans that I can be an NFL quarterback and be gay."

"So now you think you're gay?"

"I don't know what I am," he said, backing off slightly. "I like you, Erik. Can't you see that?"

"And then what? We get home and all the pressures of your real life return and you realize that I'm just some gay dude you spent a month or so with," I said. "This…this isn't real, Drew. Like I said, this is fucking television."

He appeared crestfallen and touched his heart. "It feels real in here," he said. "You feel real."

"I don't know if I can do it. You're up here." I raised my hand up toward the sky, where guys like Drew belonged. "And I'm down here," I said, pointing to the ground, where my reality was. "Your life is this and more. And mine is nowhere near that."

"So you're not even willing to try?"

I covered my face with my hands and leaned over my knees near the fire. The tears had resisted making an appearance for as long as they could when I looked up at him. "It would never work for us, Drew. I'm sorry."

"I guess I thought you felt the same way about us," he said, his sad eyes piercing my heart. "I'd imagined I could give up anything for you," he added.

I used a stick and poked at the fire, tears streaming down my face. I did feel the same way about him. I dreamed about this moment from day one. Drew was an amazing man. He'd treated me with nothing but respect, built me up when I was down, cheered me up on days when I thought I couldn't move on.

"Why are you crying?" he whispered.

I couldn't look at him because I knew I'd cave. Of course I felt the same way. I was afraid I'd fallen in love with him after only forty days. Guys like him don't go for guys like me . My inner saboteur insisted.

"You do feel the same for me, don't you?" he pleaded.

I lifted my gaze to him, tears streaming down my face and landing at the edge of the fire. My face contorted in agony as I nodded my head and admitted I did feel exactly the same. "But why me?" I asked.

"Because you're amazing, funny, hardworking, committed, and the most handsome man I have ever laid eyes on, Erik. You can believe me when I say I want you."

"Let's finish this challenge and then see what happens," I said, setting my fears aside. "Can we do that?"

"If that's what you need, then that's what we'll do."

You're making a huge mistake , my mind said. Allow yourself to be loved , my heart countered.

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