2. Admired

two

Admired

Amanda

I ’m paralyzed with fear, stopped dead in my tracks and standing smack dab in the middle of the alley. Everything about me is enticing and vulnerable. The perfect victim, all alone in the dark, and still a block from the safety of home. Although, my audience doesn’t know that yet. My brain tries desperately to unstick my frozen body. Run, Amanda. We can make it. We have to get somewhere safe. My muscles groan in response, protesting my brain’s commands. We are losing precious seconds. This time when I try to take a step forward, my legs shake like jello. They don’t have much time to malfunction. A rock skids across the concrete behind me with a loud scrape. Out of the corner of my eye, a shape springs to life, and so do my feet. They carry me swiftly across the shadow streaked sidewalk, toward the safety of home. I don’t stop until I’m clambering up the front steps and through the heavy mahogany door. When my hand slides over the cool metal lock, turning the tumbler over behind me, I take a deep breath and scramble across the dark hallway and into the kitchen. The French doors leading out to the wood deck are locked and the blinds are drawn closed. I don’t turn on any lights. If they know where I live, or if they followed me home, whoever they are—I don’t want them to know that I’m here. Alone. I slip across the smooth wood planks on the kitchen floor. My fingers land against the cool marble countertops and slide a few inches lower to pull the drawer handle open. I don’t dare glance down into the knife drawer without a quick sweep over the dimly lit kitchen. Certain I am safe and alone, I look down in search of the largest knife I can find. My eyes scan the contents of the drawer frantically as my fingers carefully rummage through it. They are just about to wrap around a gleaming silver handle when the lights flip on above me. I clutch the knife greedily, jump, then spin around, letting out a high-pitched scream in hopes someone might hear me.

“Hey, I’m sorry I scared you. It’s just me. I came home early. Christ, Amanda, I think you screamed so loud the neighbors are going to come over and ask if everything is okay.” My boyfriend says, as he crosses the room to comfort me.

“Jesus. Fuck. Goddamnit, you scared me,” I confess, my heart still thundering in my chest and my fingers wrapped around the knife so tightly, my knuckles are turning white.

Feeling self conscious and stupid, I set the knife down slowly on the countertop as I breathe a sigh of relief. Before I can do anything else, he’s pulling me protectively into his embrace. “What has you so jumpy and worked up?” He asks me as he drags his thumb across my jaw, then plants a tender kiss against my forehead. His lips calming all of my nerves, that burn like fire, screeching, we are still in danger.

I close my eyes, leaning into him, inhaling deeply. His spicy warm sandalwood and leather scent washes over my senses, calming me instantly as my racing heartbeat slows. His warm, buttery voice is rasping in my ear as he apologizes. “I didn’t mean to freak you out. I was upstairs working on reviewing the setup for the art gallery show later this month, and I thought I heard the front door slam. Before I came downstairs to get dinner started, I turned the shower on for you and then came down to get dinner started.” He runs his big, strong hands over my arms.

I stutter for a moment, struggling to find the words I need. “I think someone was following.” My confession leaves my eyes brimming with tears as the reality sets in.

“Did you see someone?” He asks, suddenly even more serious, a look of concern contorting his face.

“Not exactly.” I reply. “I heard a sound down the alley, and I saw a giant human shaped shadow.”

“A giant shadow?” He questions, quipping his brow at me.

“I know it sounds unbelievable, right?” I say, feeling childish.

“No baby. I believe you, but you know it probably was just an animal or the wind blowing stuff around. If it will make you feel better and you’ll let me, I can pick you up and drive you home from now on.” He offers in a reassuring tone.

“No, you’re probably right, but what if it wasn’t?” I ask, looking up into his eyes, searching for some sort of reassurance.

“Let’s do this. We can call the police. I’m sure they can send an officer out to poke around. I’ll call it in and you can go grab a shower while we wait. You know their response time for something like this might be a little on the long side, but I think it will help you feel better. You have the next two days off. Skip the volunteer hours at the clinic tomorrow and get some extra rest. They will be just fine without you this week.” I can’t help it. Something about the way he rationalizes the entire situation makes me feel at ease. He’s right, my hours have been taking a toll on me and the clinic will function just fine without me tomorrow.

I shiver. I know it’s from the adrenaline, and my body decompressing, but my sweet boyfriend mistakes my reaction for having an actual chill.

“Go on. You’re shivering Amanda. Next time call me, or charge a ride to my account. I don’t need you walking home covered in sweat from the gym all the time and catching a cold.” He gives me one more big bear hug. Kisses my cheek and says, “Take your time and when you come back down, I’ll have a nice big bowl of soup waiting for you.”

He places the knife back in the drawer, shaking his head. “This isn’t the kind of knife you cut vegetables with. You stay out of my cutlery and I’ll keep supporting your reading habit. Good deal?”

I crack a smile at him. The warmth of a nice hot shower is more than appealing. After all, it was probably nothing more than an alley cat getting into the trash. It was much too large to be a cat. It was a man. Don’t be stupid. The intrusive thoughts in my head push back against the false narrative I’m using to mask my true emotions. Fear pulses its way through my body once more, gripping my thoughts and forcing me to picture the shadow covered dark outline of a man’s body.

I glance over my shoulder at my perfect boyfriend. He’s laying out vegetables for chopping and slicing. Deciding to take his advice, I slink off to the shower with all the best intentions of relaxation.

In the shower, I try not to think about everything that happened on my way home tonight. I probably shouldn’t have agreed to calling the police. It feels silly to have gotten so worked up. The warm water runs over my face and I breathe in the steam. Droplets beat down on my skin in a soothing rhythm as I close my eyes, allowing the water to melt my anxiety away. This is exactly what I needed after a long day at work. I shut the water off and grab my towel. In my closet I pull a comfy pair of sweatpants from the drawer and rip an oversized Halloween themed T-shirt from a hanger. When I'm dressed, I check to make sure my reading tablet is charged and eye the stack of paperbacks on the nightstand. I could spend tomorrow curled up with something from my pile.

When I arrive back downstairs, I already feel better. There are voices coming from the entryway and I realize there are two police officers standing in the foyer.

“Hey, are you Amanda?” The older officer with speckled gray hair and a mustache asks when he notices me on the stairs.

I nod my head, unable to speak for a moment as I process the situation.

“Your boyfriend was just telling us you think someone followed you on your way home tonight. Did you get a good look at them and can you give us a description?” He questions.

“Um,” I stammer. “It was pretty dark and there were a lot of shadows in the alley.”

“Hey that’s okay,” the other officer chimes in. “There’s been a pretty recent uptick in crime. It might not be a bad idea to pick up some pepper spray or reevaluate your transportation plans,” he suggests, trying his best to be helpful.

I nod.

”Well, without a lot of details, unfortunately, there’s not much we can do. We will drive through the alleys and watch for any suspicious behavior. Call us back if it happens again.”

“I understand officers.” I thank them politely and then scurry past them all to the kitchen.

In the kitchen, there’s a giant pot of chicken noodle soup simmering on the stove. I take a deep inhale before grabbing two bowels from the cupboard. On the counter is freshly sliced bread. I sigh. He’s a great guy. I really am lucky to have him. I just wish we were more compatible in the bedroom. But what he lacks for being vanilla, he more than makes up for when it comes to caring for me. As I spoon us each a bowl of soup, I overhear one of the officers’ voices carry through the hallway. I pause, straining to hear what he’s saying.

“You should look into a camera system, sir. A lot of your neighbors have them. You can pick them up for around a few hundred dollars and pay for live monitoring or just casually monitor them yourself from an app on your phone. If someone is following your girlfriend home, you can bet a camera system will pick it up. Talk to your neighbors and ask around. Maybe someone caught something on video tonight. If anything turns up, call us back. Otherwise, have a good night, and really the best way to prevent crimes like this is to keep the situation from happening to begin with. If you can pick her up from work or she can carpool with a friend, it really would be a much safer choice now that it gets dark earlier.” I hear the door open, then close.

When he comes into the kitchen, he offers me a sympathetic smile. “I’m sorry. They weren’t overly helpful.” He chuckles. “But Amanda, seriously think about letting me just give you a ride. You heard them. It’s not safe.”

I stare him down, refusing to give up control of my freedom to get myself to and from work. “They said crime was up. What else is new? Crime always increases this time of year. We live in a decent area and most of our neighbors have cameras.”

“Is that what you heard?” He asks, rolling his eyes. “Honestly, just quit your job and then you wouldn’t have to worry about any of it. I’ve told you I make more than enough money to take care of both of us.”

I take my bowl of soup and a slice of bread, then sulk my way to a chair at the island. Not this again. My mother and him both have made it clear they want me to settle down, get married, and start popping out babies. Working gives me a sense of purpose. Neither one of them understands what it’s like to save lives. I sigh, slurping up my dinner. We eat at the island in silence. He tinkers with work stuff on his tablet and I’m happy to read on my phone.

Right as I finish, he’s scooping the bowl from in front of me and leans in for a kiss on my cheek. “I’m sorry. I’m selfish.”

“It’s okay,” I mumble, appreciating his apology. It’s not like he did anything wrong. All he’s trying to do is protect me.

“I just could never live without you, Amanda. You don’t understand how much I love you. Everything about you is amazing, and I know I could never love anyone but you.”

His confession catches me off guard, but I lean into it. Standing up from my chair, I wrap my arms around him and go in for a kiss. His lips brush mine softly. He’s always so goddamn gentle with me, as if he’s terrified of hurting me. I kiss him harder and he pulls back.

“Come on, I’ll tuck you in. I still have some work to finish up, but you should get some rest.” He whispers against my lips.

My mood instantly deflates. I don’t want to rest. I was hoping we could have sex, but I guess this is just him protecting me and trying to be a good guy. I shouldn’t say that. He is a good guy. I’m just not used to being taken care of like this. It’s like anymore he’s never interested in hooking up. I’m not sure what is going on between us. It feels like we are both trapped in a sexless roommate stage with our relationship and it leaves me questioning where things are headed. Then he tells me to quit my job. This man is so confusing. Despite my mixed emotions, I help him clean up and then we trudge upstairs together. He’s going to work all night and I guess that means one handed reading for me. I still have needs and if he’s not going to take care of them, then I’ll take care of them myself.