Chapter Thirty-Nine

Another week passes before the event of the year: Lil-Fest.

It's been one more week of radio silence from Theo. After my conversation with Mum, I've started to wonder if maybe he's waiting for me to reach out to him. After all, he said he didn't want to be selfish, to push me into anything. Is it possible that he wants me to be the one to choose?

Once the thought occurs to me, it feels obvious. For weeks I've been assuming that Theo's lack of communication meant he didn't want to be with me, that he was trying to let me know it was over, but if I ignore the very loud voice of my own insecurities, if I stop comparing him to people who are nothing like him, I know that doesn't ring true.

Theo has been clear with me from the start. Before we were anything, even when I was calling him by the wrong name, Theo told me his intentions. Theo hasn't faltered. He told me that he wants me. Over and over and over again. He told me with words and he showed me a hundred different ways. I know that he cares about me like I know what day of the week it is.

I just need to decide what I want.

When I see Ingrid, I fill her in on what my mum said and then we sit in thoughtful silence for a long time. It is a softer silence than usual. Not a silence like a scalpel, but a silence like a deep breath.

‘I think I'm scared of not being good enough,' I say finally. ‘Of failing at things, coming up short, disappointing people. Even people I haven't met. Even anonymous commenters on the internet. But especially people I love.'

‘What do you think will happen if you're not good enough?' Ingrid asks.

‘They'll leave.' The answer is swift, unwavering.

Ingrid's head dips, and I get that buzz from doing a good job at therapy, even while realizing that this is exactly part of the problem.

‘Theo left,' I say, pressing at the tender bruise on my heart. ‘He did it for noble reasons, I know. Logically, I understand. But he left. And it hurt.'

‘That sounds like something you should tell him,' Ingrid says. ‘I think it sounds like something he would want to hear.'

Those words have been rolling around in my head. Would Theo want to hear that? Maybe. Theo has always seemed interested in what goes on in my head. (Actually, that's an understatement, because he once told me he wanted to ‘crawl inside my brain and read it like a book', which I informed him was somehow both sweet and psychotic at the same time.)

All this leaves me with plenty to agonize over, but for today I try to push everything else to one side. Today is about Lil.

Lil-Fest started on Lil's sixteenth birthday and it has only grown in scale and production value with every passing year. We hold it in the meadow at the back of the mums' house on the last weekend in August and as such it has always marked the bittersweet end of summer.

The first Lil-Fest was Lil and a few of her friends playing a set on a ‘stage' which was actually a chalk outline on the grass, while we coated ourselves in body glitter and drank slightly warm cheap cider.

As Lil's and Serena's personal and professional circles grew, so did Lil-Fest. Now there's a real stage with enormous speakers, a line-up of whatever bands are in town at the time and want to come and hang out – some big names, some up-and-coming artists – a variety of food trucks and usually a couple of hundred guests.

The trees are strewn with fairy lights and handmade dreamcatchers, and this year one of Lil's mates is running yoga sessions in a small yurt that appeared overnight. We still cover ourselves in glitter, but the cheap cider has been swapped out for organic IPAs and cocktails in jam jars. Some years we do it in the rain and the mud (which Lil claims is actually more authentic), but today it's dry and warm, though there are several ominous-looking clouds on the horizon.

Given my aversion to live music, I have, in the past, spent as much of Lil-Fest as possible hanging out in the kitchen, or even sneaking off to my room, but this year I might actually make it down to the stage, might listen to some of the bands play. It's been a long summer and a lot of things have changed.

It's late afternoon and I'm sitting in a little alcove by the pond, watching guests file from the other end of the house down to the meadow where the stage is set up, psyching myself up to go and join them. My sisters appear at my side. Serena is holding a crown of sunflowers which she lays on my head. Lil hands me a pair of fairy wings. After I mentioned Hannah's to her she ordered them for all of us in an adult size especially for this event. Serena's are black and spiky, making her look like a vampire bride, and that is the only reason she has agreed to this.

‘Good turnout this year,' I say, squinting out at the growing crowd as a young girl with a guitar sings wistfully into the microphone. ‘Are you going to play?'

Lil's cheeks are rosy. She's wearing her own sunflower crown and it's a little crooked. ‘Yep, soon I think because I keep drinking those pink drinks Ava mixed that taste like juice but they're making things a bit…' She pinches her thumb and forefinger together thoughtfully and I have no idea what the gesture is supposed to mean.

‘She's already pissed,' Serena translates.

‘Where are Bee and Henry?' I ask.

‘Bee's at work but she might come by later,' Serena says with extremely practised nonchalance, and Lil and I exchange a look of amusement.

‘Henry's coming later too,' Lil says. ‘I'm pretty sure he's going to propose tonight.'

‘What?!' Serena and I shriek in one voice.

‘I know. Isn't it lovely?' Lil glows softly, suddenly angelic and alight with love. I blink, but I think actually it's just the sun hitting her body glitter. That and the wings.

‘I found the ring last week – he's the worst at keeping secrets,' she says fondly, ‘and he was a nervous wreck all morning. I just wish he'd ask me so I could put him out of his misery.'

‘You're going to say yes?' Serena asks, stunned.

‘Of course I am.' Lil is serene. ‘He's it for me. I knew it the second we met. Just like I wished for.'

Serena makes a harrumphing sound.

‘That's wonderful,' I say, the words clogged with tears. ‘I'm so happy for you, Lil. Henry is the sweetest and he loves you so much.'

‘I know,' Lil says, totally secure. Then a frown flickers over her face. ‘Speaking of big, soulmate love…'

‘Yes, I've been thinking about that too,' I interrupt her. ‘Big love, the unconditional, whole-hearted, soulmate kind. That's what you said, isn't it?'

‘Yes,' Lil nods while Serena makes fake barfing sounds.

‘I had an epiphany the other day, in therapy,' I say, smiling at the memory. ‘I mean, I've been having them all over the place recently, but I realized the other day that whatever happens, there's one thing I can count on: I already have that love. I have my soulmates, the ones who'll be there no matter what, who love me unconditionally. It's you two. You've always been there. No wish required.'

There's a stunned silence for a second as my sisters just look at me, then Lil makes a sort of wailing noise and throws her arms around my neck. Her hot tears hit my skin. ‘I love you, sweet Clementine,' she whispers.

‘Honestly,' Serena huffs, furiously trying to avoid eye contact, ‘you two are so dramatic.' But she can't hide her sniffle, and Lil and I haul her in for a long and – thanks to three pairs of fairy wings – uncomfortable hug.

When we disengage, Lil looks determined. ‘I think the three of us need to talk about Theo.' The words make me start.

‘I thought we were going to wait.' Serena scowls at her.

My eyes dart between them. ‘What are you two up to?' I ask.

Serena continues to glare at Lil, who looks unrepentant.

‘We have something to tell you,' Serena says slowly. ‘But I'm not sure this is the right time.'

‘That's not ominous at all,' I grumble. ‘Now you have to tell me.'

‘It can wait,' Serena says firmly.

‘No, it can't.'

‘Ugh, fine…' Serena practically stomps her foot, but then she's interrupted by Lil.

‘Oh, shit,' Lil breathes, looking over my shoulder.

Serena's eyes narrow as she also takes in whatever Lil has spotted. ‘Did you know about this?' she asks.

‘No, no, of course not,' Lil exclaims as I swing around.

Strolling across the garden towards us, all smiles, is Ripp Harris.

And just behind him is Sam.

‘Lily pad!' Ripp says, grabbing Lil by the shoulders and kissing her on the cheek. ‘Happy birthday, my beautiful girl.'

‘What are you doing here, Dad?' Lil manages, her eyes moving to me.

‘We're here to play Lil-Fest!' Ripp grins. ‘I'm told it's the hottest gig in town. Your mum sent me an invite ages ago, and we were in the area so I thought I'd surprise you. The rest of the band are arriving soon.'

I think Petty sends Ripp an invite every year. This is the first time he's ever bothered showing up. Of course.

I can't tear my eyes away from Sam, who is looking anywhere but at me.

‘What the fuck, Dad?' Serena says through gritted teeth. Ripp's smile falters, confusion writ large on his brow.

‘What?' he says. ‘What's the matter?'

‘Why would you turn up here with him?' Lil demands, her hands on her hips.

‘What are you doing here, Sam?' I ask.

Ripp's frown deepens.

Sam lifts his eyes to mine, and I can actually see the moment of calculation before the mask of charm descends. ‘Clemmie, it was all such a long time ago. We were just kids. Don't you think it's time to let it go?' He looks at Ripp, sighs heavily, communicating a vague sense of exasperation.

‘Oh, that's right,' Ripp chuckles, relaxing. ‘You two used to be a thing back in the day. Come on, Clementine, if I was worried about bumping into an ex everywhere I went I'd never leave the house.' He laughs harder, and Sam joins in.

The intense, laser focus of my anger switches to my father in an instant. ‘You do not get to chime in on this, Ripp. You're the one who hired the man who broke my heart, and who still seems to be doing his best to hurt me. Ask him who was giving fucking interviews about me a few weeks ago.'

‘You both need to leave, Dad.' Lil says the words firmly.

‘Right now,' Serena adds.

‘What are you all talking about?' Ripp asks. He's not smiling anymore; his eyes are moving between me and Sam. ‘What interviews?'

‘Why don't you ask him,' I spit out.

‘That's enough.' Sam looks pissed now and he moves towards me, reaches out to take my arm. I think he wants to pull me away so that this conversation can happen somewhere a lot less public.

He doesn't have the chance, however, because suddenly a very familiar voice yells, ‘GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF HER.'