41. Poppy Wells

41

Poppy Wells

F resh forest air filtered through my lungs, and for the first time in a while, I finally felt at peace. Nature had always had that effect on me, ever since I was a little kid. I’d always found a level of comfort within its presence.

I’d taken Jasper down the Hawthorne Hills Forest trail by Glacial Point—a secluded part of the protected woodland where glaciers used to roam the landscape, leaving behind hidden waterfalls and pockets of natural treasures.

Jasper’s fingers innocently grazed mine, thumb drawing small patterns against my skin. Ever since last night, he had constantly been reaching for me like he needed physical proof that I was real—that what we did last night was real and not something conjured by his imagination.

Through Jasper, I was learning to love myself again.

Learning to heal a part of me I thought would always be broken.

“You look…” he rasped, speechless. “Beautiful.”

I bit my bottom lip, grinning up at him. “Sorry? Could you say that again, please?”

“Horrible,” he chuckled, nudging my side with his elbow. “Absolutely horrible, Wellsy.”

I shook my head lazily, letting the warmth of the sun bask against my skin. “You used to be a tolerable asshole, but now you’re just an asshole.”

“Ouch, Wellsy. Break my beating heart if you must.”

I giggled, nudging him back. “Ever the sweet talker, Jasper Ridge.”

He tilted his head to the side, a smile toying at the corners of his lips. “I’ve always been sweet. You’ve just been too busy calling me an asshole to notice.”

His words stuck with me–perhaps I had been blinded by our past all along. Maybe if I had just taken a second to look at him, I might’ve very well found some sort of tolerable human being underneath.

I shook my head, willing the thoughts away. “Stop that.”

The edges of his mouth rose higher as he said, “stop what, Wellsy?”

“Just–stop talking.” Stop making it real.

Because making it real meant the possibility of being hurt, and I didn’t think I could survive being hurt by Jasper Ridge more than I could swallow the thought that he would never truly be mine.

I think I made a mistake by saying that because now Jasper was just solely looking at me with those shining golden eyes without uttering a single word, toeing dangerously close to a line we both knew we could not cross.

Looking away, I gazed out into the distance in an attempt to hide my warming cheeks from the idiot beside me who delighted in nothing more than making me look like a complete fool for him.

“You okay there, Wellsy?” He mused, trying to quell the smirk I knew was desperately fighting his lips.

God forbid I pushed him off this bridge in a minute.

“ You ,” I turned around, jabbing my finger against his chest, “ are beyond aggravating, Jasper Ridge.”

“I know, it’s my favorite pastime.”

“You could always try something a little easier on the mind,” I smiled sweetly, “you know, like silence .”

Something shifted then, flashing across his eyes for all of a few seconds. Placing his palm over mine, flattened against his chest, he inched closer towards me as he rasped, “I don’t think either of us could handle the silence, Wellsy.”

My eyes widened as a low gasp left my lips. The smirk on his lips was revealing enough so I shoved him again and turned away before I could embarrass myself any further.

“You are banned from speaking, Ridge.”

He stretched his arms, no doubt letting the sun bask against his tanned skin, highlighting all his muscles in a way I was sure drove all the girls crazy. Leaning backwards onto his elbows, he mused, “we both know I was never good at following the rules.”

Damn him. How was it that he managed to counteract every single thing I said without even so much as trying ?

“Ridge,” I warned, glaring at him.

He glared right back. “Wells.”

“Don’t test me.”

“Oh, but you know I love to.”

I sighed. “I’m never going to win with you, am I?”

Jasper all but grinned like a little kid, clearly amused with himself. “No, but I love the way you keep trying to.”

I laughed despite myself. My god, that boy.

“I hope you know I’m never going to stop trying to beat you, Ridge.”

“I surely hope not. It’s one of my favorite things about you, Wellsy.”

I turned away, turning his words over and over inside my head.

Yeah. It was one of my favorite things about you too, Ridge.

Perched atop of my most favorite rope bridge overlooking a small river, I watched as salmon jumped up stream and a trail of butterflies took flight over our heads. The crystal-clear waters gleamed under the sunlight filtering through the pine trees, hues of rich blues and greens creating a beautiful masterpiece. Mosses clung to the tree trunks, covering their chestnut brown oak in a blanket of greenery .

“I’ve never brought anyone here before,” I admitted, letting the words float in the silence between us. This place—this sanctuary, it had always belonged to me. Ever since I was a kid, I knew this place would become a huge part of my life. It was the only place in the whole of town that didn’t make me feel unworthy for simply existing.

I hope they’re all proud of what they did to me all those years ago. I hope that bullying a child, who had no control over who her parents were and the actions they took part in was worth it. I hope shattering every part of me made them feel accomplished because at least then it wouldn’t have all been for nothing .

“I am honored you chose to share this place with me, Wellsy,” Jasper smiled, small dimples popping out of his cheeks as the sun made his golden-brown eyes glow like the rarest of gems. “Thank you.”

When I woke up this morning and Jasper was nowhere to be found, part of me couldn’t help but think that my mom had scared him off for good—that she’d managed to ruin the only good thing in my life purely out of her own selfish desires.

What I didn’t know was that Jasper hadn’t gone far away from me at all. In fact, he was only in the next room making blueberry pancakes for breakfast. He’d managed to go home and change into a pair of gray sweatpants and a tightly fitted black compression top that did nothing to conceal his muscular frame. And to top it all off, he’d stolen my favorite cap and wore it backwards, a few strands of his messy brown hair falling out from underneath it.

I’d never felt as many butterflies in my stomach as I did when his gaze slid to mine. He didn’t even have to smile, I could see every thought as if it was sown across his eyes. I’d bit down on my bottom lip, concealing a smile before walking up to him and brushing away some pancake mixture that was residing beside his bottom lip. Jasper had watched each of my movements intently, and I didn’t even think he breathed once whilst my skin was touching his. Existing around Jasper Ridge was effortless. He made living feel like heaven on earth.

But, of course, the moment ended the second he scooped his hand in the mixing bowl and slathered a handful of leftover pancake batter across my cheeks and the bridge of my nose. I gasped as the cold mixture hit my skin, watching as he stepped backwards, chuckling to himself.

“You, Poppy Wells, might just be my greatest masterpiece,” he said, glancing at me in a way he’d never done before. My whole body flooded with heat at his words as if someone had lit me on fire. No one did compliments better than Jasper Ridge.

“Yeah?” I smiled up at him before messily dipping my hand in the bowl and splattering his face with streaks of pancake mixture just as he had done to me mere moments ago. “You might just be mine, too.”

The memory had replayed countless times in my head since then. It was the only thing I could seem to think about. Him. Me. Us . Everything that had happened to us since he knocked me out with the surf school door that very first night. Jasper Ridge had stolen each and every thought of mine and refused to apologize for it, and honestly, I never wanted him to give them back. They belonged to him as much as they did to me. I found myself wanting him to own them.

“It’s quiet here. Always has been. It’s one of the reasons I like it so much—it’s close enough to the main trail that I could find my way back in the darkness, but far away enough that not many tourists or locals, for that matter, find it.”

“Like your own secret hideaway,” Jasper mused, still looking at me, never once glancing away.

“ Our own secret hideaway,” I corrected, and the smile that immediately formed on his lips was the best kind of reward. “I—I want to share it with you, if you’d let me, of course—”

“Yes,” he grinned widely, interrupting me. “A thousand times, yes .”

“It doesn’t feel so lonely up here now that you’re here with me,” I admitted.

In one smooth motion, Jasper wrapped his hands around me, pulling me towards him. Now sat between his legs, his arms wrapped around my waist, my head leaning back against his chest, he whispered, “You won’t ever have to feel alone again, Wellsy.”

You won’t ever have to feel alone again.

His words brought tears to my eyes. I knew he meant them too. They weren’t just for the sake of it. Jasper Ridge truly did mean them, and that healed a part of my heart in itself.

“Neither do you, my Spiderman,” I turned around slightly, smiling softly at him as I rested my palm against his cheek. The warmth of his gaze settled down on me, going straight to my cheeks that glowed purely from the way he was looking at me.

“Poppy,” his voice shifted into a more serious tone and my spine instinctively locked up at the sound I knew all too well. “Last night, what I saw…I don’t want to make assumptions about what might have happened to you, and you can definitely tell me it’s none of my business to know as it’s well within your right, but—are you okay? At home, with your parents, with you? All of it, any of it—just, are you okay?”

I swallowed what felt like a ton of bricks as I stared up at him, toeing the edge of a cliff trying to keep back tears that threatened to fall.

“I—I’m okay,” I managed to whisper but I knew he could see through those words as soon as they left my lips. The falseness of them.

“Are you sure? You can tell me if you aren’t, Wellsy. It won’t change anything for me, and it certainly won’t make me view you differently.”

I had a chance, right there, to tell him everything .

To let go of this burden before it became the anchor, trapped on the ocean floor, that caused me to drown.

And for once in my life…

I took that chance,

and didn’t look back.

“No,” I said, and the world suddenly stopped .

No. It was a sentence within its own right. Jasper didn’t pry me for answers or expect more from me than I was willing to give him. Instead, he squeezed me gently, resting his forehead against mine. He was letting me take all the time I needed to get the words out. Jasper Ridge was giving me a choice when so many people in my life had taken that away from me.

“My parents—I don’t think they were ever truly in love. I think they only decided to be together because of me, and if I hadn’t been born, I doubt they would’ve stayed. I never really got along with either of them. It always felt like I was stuck in the middle of a train track with each of them standing on opposite sides pulling me in different directions. My dad wanted me to surf, to be just like him . So that’s what I did. I surfed for him, tried to be like him if that’s what it would take for him to look at me like a father should look at his daughter and not like a coach looking at a trophy…There was one night in particular that I can’t get out of my head. It was dark outside, I heard his steps in the hall, coming closer and closer to my room. I pulled my cover over my body, squeezed my eyes shut. He came in and he sat on my bed and his fingers brushed against my cheeks and I couldn’t breathe—”

My limbs were paralyzed, frozen in shock as I felt his lingering touch all over my skin. I was tainted by the memories of him. Scarred and ruined. I squeezed my eyes shut until they burned. I didn’t cry. I didn’t struggle. I just—I just let him take parts of me I never offered to give.

But it never went…

He never…

I wasn’t…

“I did nothing to stop him. I’m a coward, Jasper. Maybe that’s why I deserved it…”

I hid under my sheets.

I knew he was coming.

I knew and I hid.

I closed my eyes, and I hid like a coward.

Like a kid.

“Don’t,” he choked out, teary-eyed. “It wasn’t your fault, Poppy. None of this was your fault.” He paused. “Did he…Poppy, did he ra—”

“N-no…” I shook my head quickly, interrupting him before he could utter those words. My voice broke as a hint of terror slipped into each word. “He never…it never…I wasn’t…” My voice got lost in my throat. In one breath I mumbled the words, “ Itneverwentthatfar .”

“So, he didn’t…he never…”

I shook my head so violently it ached. “No. No .”

I wasn’t a victim.

I wasn’t a…

I wasn’t…

“The last time…the last time he…my mom came into my room just before…he thought she was me , Jasper. She was so angry, I’d never seen her like that before. But she wasn’t mad about what—what he nearly did to me , though, just…at the fact that he took more interest in me than her . She hated me, Jasper. She still does.” I paused, letting out a shaky exhale as I blinked back tears. “They started shouting so loudly. I could hear it through the walls and rattle beneath the floorboards. When he was distracted by her, I ran. I ran and locked myself in the closet and didn’t come out until the noises stopped. I hadn’t even realized how much time had passed until she bundled me up in her arms and fussed over me as she made Mac and Cheese. I…I was in that closet for three days , and no one even noticed I was gone.”

Three days was how long it took for my mom to realize she still had a daughter.

Three days I was left in there wondering if I still had a home to come back to.

There were tears in the corners of Jasper’s eyes.

His skin pale and gray.

Lips agape.

Horror.

Shock.

Disbelief.

After a moment, he gulped, whispering the words, “You truly are one hell of a fighter, Poppy Wells. My little fucking survivor.”

Jasper didn’t tell me he was sorry for what I went through. He didn’t look at me and only see the scars I bore and the memories I buried. Nor did he tell me there was no way he could survive what I had.

Instead, he held me close to him and let me take up as much space as I needed in his life to process the words I’d never admitted aloud to anyone else before. Somehow, he always knew exactly what I needed, and I’d never been more grateful for that spidey-sense of his more than I was right now.

“You know, you shouldn’t feel ashamed to seek help just because you feel like your trauma, what you went through, isn’t as bad as what someone has been through. Because you think others have it a lot worse. Your feelings, whatever you’ve been through and endured…it does matter, Wellsy. It matters to me. You matter to me, Poppy. And I hope you know you can always ask me for help if you ever need it.”

“Thank you,” I whispered, and for once in my life, I truly did believe I had someone in my corner I could turn to.

Jasper gazed out to where the snow-covered tips of the mountains rose above the endless sea of green. “The mountains…they don’t apologize for how much space they take up in the world, Poppy. You don’t have to be compact, digestible , to be loved. You don’t have to fit inside their small box of how you should behave to feel cared for. You are not too much. You are you , and you are perfect to me. But more importantly, you should be perfect because you want to be. Not because someone else demands it of you. If they can’t see how kind and caring you are, that’s a fault on them , not you. You are unapologetically yourself, and no one can demand more or less of you than you are willing to give them. You deserve to feel loved and cared for Wellsy, and I’m sorry you’ve gone through life all these years not hearing those words.”

Sniffling, I somehow managed to whisper, “You’re my favorite Spiderman, Jasper Ridge.”

My favorite person in the world.

If anyone— anyone , dared break him…

I’d raise hell on earth to get all of his pieces back.

No amount of gold trophies or colorful ribbons could ever compare to the feeling of being loved by Jasper Ridge.

“Yeah?” he grinned so fucking wide it made my own cheeks hurt just by looking at him. “You’re my favorite everything .”

“For infinity,” I promised, snuggling into his side.

“For infinity,” he whispered back, pressing a light kiss to the top of my head.

After a while, Jasper smiled, tilting his head up to meet the sky as raindrops fell onto our skin.

“The sun is out and the rain is pouring, Wellsy. Stay in this moment with me,” he glanced towards me then, stretching out his hand as he stood up. “ Stay with me .”

I placed my hand in his as he helped me up. My breath hitched as his arm wrapped around my waist, pulling me flush up against him. We were so close, our noses were inches away from touching.

Bringing my hand up to his cheek, I wiped away a lone rain drop and smeared it across his skin. “I’ll always stay with you, Ridge.”

Jasper’s honey-brown eyes locked onto mine and I swear I felt my heart flutter.

“I’m keeping you, my Gwen,” he whispered, tucking a soaked strand of hair behind my ear before cupping both my cheeks in his palms. “For infinity.”

I giggled, the sound unlike anything I had ever heard myself make before.

“I’m keeping you, too, my Spiderman,” I replied, smiling up at him—a pure and genuine smile, so wide it made my cheeks hurt.

Jasper tilted his head to the side as he smirked down at me. “You want to keep me, Wellsy?”

I nodded, sinking into his embrace.

Every muscle in my body felt at ease in his presence.

“You’ve always had me,” he whispered, his hands trailing down my body until he wrapped them around my waist. Leaning forward, Jasper pressed a feather-light kiss to my forehead before rested his forehead against mine. “You just didn’t notice.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t see you,” I rushed to say, needing the words to escape my head and stop haunting my thoughts.

With one hand, Jasper tucked my head into the crook of his neck as he began stroking the back of my hair in gentle strokes.

“You don’t need to apologize to me, Wellsy.”

I wrapped my hands around his waist, falling into the safety of his touch.

“I see you now, Jasper Ridge,” I breathed. “You’re important to me, you know?”

He chuckled, the sound kissing every inch of my heart as it pounded against my rib cage. “Are you saying you care about me, Wellsy?”

I pulled backwards a fraction of an inch to look up at him. This need to make him see just how special he was nagged at every corner of my mind.

There was a brokenness to his smile; a little crack that he was trying so desperately to stop him from crumbling.

“I’m saying, Jasper Ridge, that you make me feel safe,” I whispered, bringing my thumb up to gently stroke his cheek. The rain had thoroughly soaked us both, but neither of us made any move to seek cover from it. “I’m saying that you make me feel wanted and appreciated and loved ,” I continued. “And I’m saying, my Spiderman, that I see you—every part of you, and I am so proud of you. ”

Jasper gaped at me, blinking rapidly at a complete loss for words.

After a moment, he regained his composure, and a smile formed across his lips. Bright and blinding.

“You care about me, Poppy Wells,” he grinned, knocking his shoulder up against mine as his eyebrows waggled suggestively at me.

I immediately rolled my eyes, stepping out of his embrace as I folded my arms across my chest. “Keep dreaming, Ridge.”

I do care about you, I thought. I care about you so much it makes my heart hurt.

Except, I kept those words locked up inside my thoughts, resorting back to the comfort of our old and familiar rhythm.

I began walking away, and when I noticed he wasn’t by my side, I turned around. Jasper Ridge was still standing there, smiling like a madman at me.

Making a foghorn shape around his mouth with his hands, Jasper turned to face towards the mountains and the vast forest surrounding them and yelled, “POPPY WELLS CARES ABOUT ME!”

I’d found a boy who’d shout about me to for all the mountains to hear.

Shaking my head, I pinched the bridge of my nose. “You are so lame, Jasper Ridge.”

Despite my words,

he was still smiling at me.

I forced my lips to remain tight and unreadable. But as I turned my back to him, continuing to follow the forest trail back towards the main path, I let myself free. A laugh tumbled out of me as I shook my head at the complete lovesick madness I just witnessed.

My stupid boy.

My Spiderman.

And as he ran up to me, picking me up and swirling us around in the pouring rain as our laughter echoed between the trees, I knew that I was home