13. Logan

THIRTEEN

Jared doesn't speakfor several beats. The machine he's hooked up to beeps softly in the background.

Then he takes a slow, steady breath. He's been doing that a lot. It must be that breathing thing he mentioned, the one that helps with his migraines.

This version of Jared—the one who spends his days surrounded by unsavory characters, who walks in the moral gray zone, who suffers migraines because of it—this version of Jared is so far from the Jay I know. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined my Jay doing the things Jared has done.

And yet… I'm not entirely surprised by it. I mean, yes, I'm stunned and shocked and fucking gob smacked. But there was always an undercurrent of badassery in Jay's demeanor. He's tough, smart, charming. All things that a good undercover agent needs to be. All things that attract me to him.

"I got out of deep cover work after that case. That's when I started working with Victoria in financial crimes. It's more desk work, combing through accounts and records and stuff. It's less exciting, but…" He shrugs. "I've had enough excitement to last me a while."

I smile at his slightly self-deprecating tone, but it fades as I'm reminded of the question that's been burning a hole in my mind. In a small voice, I ask, "So… how come you've never told me? I mean, not the undercover with an evil criminal mastermind stuff. But you know, that you're an FBI agent. Is that classified?"

Guilt shines so bright in Jared's eyes, I almost feel bad for asking. I know I shouldn't, but… The truth is, I don't think I'm that mad at him. Disappointed and sad, sure, but now that I know some of his history, I don't blame him for not wanting to run around announcing he's an FBI agent.

I wish I had come across as more trustworthy. Maybe then he would've felt more comfortable confiding in me.

"No, it's not classified, but…" His voice cracks with something that sounds like a sob. "A lot of people get weird when they find out and I didn't want to lose you."

Lose me? Why would he lose me?

Jared's gaze drops to where our hands are clasped. He takes mine in both of his, caressing gently. "I know it wasn't fair to you, but I kind of liked that you didn't know. You were my safe, secret place where I could escape from the stress and pressure of everything. Being with you was like taking a vacation from my real life. I could leave all the shit behind and just be myself and have fun."

I don't know how I feel about that. On the one hand, I'm glad I'm able to provide that space for Jared. On the other, I almost sound like a recreational drug Jared takes so he can get high and forget about shit. That's not a relationship. That's… I don't even know what to call it.

I flip our hands over so his are cradled in mine. "I wouldn't have gotten weird." I pause, then correct myself, because finding out my boyfriend is an FBI agent would've been shocking no matter when it happened. "Okay, maybe I would've. But only a little bit. I would've gotten over it."

"I know. This whole thing is my fault. I was stupid and selfish and I wish I could go back and tell you the truth right from the beginning."

Then something else occurs to me. "If… if this hadn't happened." I look toward his injured leg. "Would you have told me? Or would you have just… kept lying?"

I hold my breath as I wait for Jared to answer. It takes him a fucking long time and with each second that ticks by, my heart breaks a little more.

Am I that unreliable? So frivolous and flighty that Jared doesn't think I can handle the truth? I know I can be goofy and a lot of people don't take me very seriously. But I'd like to think the people who know me know I'm not that way all the time.

I can be serious. I can keep secrets when they're important. I can be dependable and responsible and supportive. Doesn't Jared know that?

"I…" Jared's chest expands with a deep breath, then he lets it out in a slow, controlled sigh. "I don't know. I want to say, yes, I would've found a way to tell you. But… I don't know."

His answer is a sledgehammer to my already cracked heart, but at least it's an honest one.

I try to pull my hands out of his, but he grips them tighter

"Logan."

I should hate him. I should despise him for lying to me. For risking my life by not telling me the truth. For letting me get dragged into something so dangerous.

And yet, there's so much raw emotion in his voice. He sounds so tortured, anguished, lost. He's just as torn up about this as I am. How can I be upset with him when he's been through so much?

My life is so different from his. He's a special agent with a demanding, high-risk job. I'm a juice bar barista. The most exciting thing I ever do is try out new recipes on the guys at Mars Fitness. How could I possibly compare with Jared's adrenaline-filled life? What could I possibly offer him?

"Logan, look at me? Please?"

It takes me a second to work up the courage, but when I meet Jared's gaze, his golden brown eyes glisten with unshed tears.

"I love you."

The three little words hit me just as hard as his brutally honest answer from a moment ago. A sob escapes my throat and tears start filling my eyes. He said that back in the car, right before he passed out from blood loss. A part of me wondered whether I'd imagined it. Or maybe he was delirious and out of his mind and he didn't know what he was saying. But hearing him say it now, fully conscious and aware, there's no denying Jared's sincerity.

"I know I have no right to say that to you now, not after everything I've put you through. It's unfair, selfish, and manipulative, but it's also the truth. I love you. You are my light in the darkness. My shelter from the storm. My comfort when life has gone to shit. I understand if you don't return my feelings, if you want me to fuck right off. But I need you to know. I love you. I have for a while now and I'll continue loving you no matter what."

The tears are streaming now and I swipe at them with the back of my hand. "I didn't realize hardened FBI agents could be so sappy and poetic."

Jared quirks a smile, though it looks more like a wince. "You bring out a side of me I never knew existed—the best side."

My heart is still in tatters and it'll be a while until it doesn't hurt to think about what he did, but his words go a long way toward fitting the pieces back together.

"So what happens now?" I ask, gazing down at our clasped hands.

"That's up to you. What do you want?"

I want… for everything to go back to normal, though I'm not sure what normal is any more. Is there a normal when your boyfriend is an FBI agent who could get killed every time he goes to work?

I want… to spend lazy days in bed with Jared. I want to introduce him to my friends. I want to laugh with him, have fun with him, be happy with him.

I want… a second chance, where we're both honest with each other, where there are no lies and no secrets between us. I want a real chance.

Is any of that possible anymore? Can we find our way back to normal after everything that's happened? I don't know. But I want to try.

Because I love him. Despite everything, I still love him. Maybe that's absurd, loving a man I barely know. But the feeling is still there, the warmth and tenderness that fills me every time I look at him. The pain when I think about leaving him, about losing him. I don't want to move on from Jared. I don't want to grieve the end of this relationship.

I want more.

I want more of this Jared, the real one. The kick-ass FBI agent who outsmarts the criminals, who rescues me from the bad guys, who gets shot, but keeps going as if he doesn't feel a thing.

I want to get to know this rough-around-the-edges man who carries so much more than he lets on. Who has a past, has demons, and yet can still find reasons to smile and laugh.

Maybe I didn't know who I'd been dating for the past six months. But I can try to get to know him now. I can find out how much of Jay there is in Jared.

I sit up straight, scooting backward a little to give myself space. Then, clearing my throat, I hold out one hand to him and say, "Hi! My name is Logan MacDonald. I'm twenty-eight years old and a Leo. I'm a juice bar barista at a local gym. I like kiwi martinis, hanging out with my friends, and snuggling in bed with my boyfriend."

Jared's smile grows slowly but it spreads across his entire face, obscuring all the bruises and swelling. He shakes my hand. "Hi Logan, I'm Jared Sable. I'm thirty-three years old and a Virgo. I work for the FBI and I like red wine and watching Drag Race. I'm also a fan of snuggling in bed with my boyfriend."

"Sounds like we might be a good match for each other."

Jared chuckles and the sound fills me with so much happiness and joy. I live to hear Jared laugh, to know that it was because of something I did or said. I want to make him laugh every day for the rest of our lives.

"One more thing," I say, bringing his hand to my cheek and holding it there. "I love you too."

Jared tugs me toward him, then captures my mouth in a kiss. It's just a simple press of lips to lips, but it's the most honest kiss I've ever had in my life.

I might not have known Jared's real name or what he does for a living or who his friends and family are. But I think I know all the important things there is to know about the man. I know all the things in his heart and I love every single one.

"Lie down with me," Jared says as a yawn overtakes him.

I help him find the bed's controls and readjust it so it's lying flat again. "Are you sure?" I ask, glancing nervously at his leg. "I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't." He lifts the edge of his blanket for me. "In fact, I'm pretty sure you're just the magic potion I need to feel better."

I giggle as I climb onto the bed next to him, careful not to jostle him too much. "Well, if it'll speed up your healing, who am I to object?"

Jared leans into me, smiling as his eyelids grow heavy. A second later, he's asleep.

I stay awake, watching the steady rise and fall of his chest. There are still things we need to clear up between us. We still have a lot of work to do to rebuild our trust in each other. But I love him and I believe he loves me. I have faith in us and that's all we need.