Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Two weeks ago

I get the phone call on a Wednesday night, before dinner but after I’ve returned from work.

I am remarkably composed throughout: I oh and ah in all the right places; I ask pertinent, important questions; I even remember to thank the caller for sharing the news with me. But after we both hang up, I completely lose it.

I don’t call Sadie. I don’t text Hannah in the hope that she has reception in the belly of whatever Nordic sperm whale is her current residence. I run upstairs, almost tripping on carpets and furniture that’s been in the Harding family for five generations, and once I’m in front of Liam’s office I throw the door open without knocking.

Which, in hindsight, is not my most polite moment. And neither is the next, when I run to Liam (who’s talking on the phone by the window), throw my arms around his waist with utter disregard for whatever he’s doing, and yell:

“I got it! Liam—I got the job!”

He doesn’t skip a beat. “The team leader position?”

“Yes.”

His grin is blinding. Then he tells, “I’ll call you back,” to whoever is on the line, totally ignores the fact that their reply is “Sir, this is a time-sensitive issue—” and tosses the phone on the nearest chair.

Then he hugs me back. He lifts me up like he’s too happy for me to even consider stopping himself, like this phone call I just had that changed my life changed his, too, like he’s been wanting this as much and as intensely as I have. And when he spins me around the room, one single, perfect whirl of pure happiness, that’s when I realize it.

How incredibly, utterly gone for this man I am.

It’s been there for weeks. Months. Whispering in my ear, creeping at me, hitting me in the face like a train on an iron track. It has grown too formidable and luminous for me to ignore, but that’s okay.

I don’t want to ignore it.

Liam sets me on my feet. His hands linger over me before he takes a step back—one hand trailing down my arm, the other pushing a lock of hair past my temple, behind my ear. When he lets go, I want to follow him. I want to beg him not to.

“Mara, you are fantastic. Brilliant.”

I feel fantastic. I feel brilliant, when I’m with you. And I want you to feel the same. “I clearly deserve to choose what to watch on TV tonight.”

“You choose what to watch on TV every night.”

“But tonight I actually deserve it.”

He laughs, shaking his head, holding my eyes. Time stretches. Heavy, sweet tension thickens between us. I want to kiss him. I want to kiss him so, so much. Should I ask him? Would he push me away? Or would he push right back, press me against his desk, turn me around and hold me down with a hand splayed between my shoulder blades and whisper to me Finally, and Be still, and Let’s celebrate, and—

No. Stop.

I gasp. “Oh my God—what do you think Sean is doing right now?”

“Crying in the bathroom, I hope.”

“Hopefully he’s tweeting out his despair and listening to a My Chemical Romance playlist on Spotify. I must go stalk him on social media. Be right back.” I make to skip out of Liam’s office as fast as I ran in. He stops me, though, with a hand on my wrist.

“Mara?”

“Yes?”

I turn around. His happy, uncharacteristically open face has melted away into something else. Something more subdued. Opaque.

“You said?.?.?. A few weeks ago, you said that if you got the job, you’d move out.”

Oh.

Oh.

The reminder stabs like a knife between my ribs. I did say that. I did. But it’s been weeks. Weeks of stealing food off each other’s plates and texting in the middle of the day to bicker about Eileen’s love life and that time he made me laugh so hard I couldn’t breathe for ten minutes.

Things?.?.?. Haven’t things changed with us? Between us?

For a moment, I cannot speak. I don’t know what to say to the fact that his first thought was that I’d move out— No, that’s uncharitable. He was happy for me. Genuinely happy. His second thought was that he’ll finally go back to living alone.

I try to crack a joke. “Why? Are you kicking me out?”

“No. No, Mara, that’s not what I—” His phone rings, interrupting him. Liam gives it a frustrated glance, but by the time his eyes are on me again I’ve collected myself.

If Liam wants to live alone, that’s fine. He likes me. He cares about me. He’s a great guy—I know all of that. But being friends with someone doesn’t equate with wanting to spend every single moment of your life with them, and?.?.?. yeah.

I guess that’s my own problem to solve. Something to work on once I move out and this part of my life is over.

“Of course I’m going to look for a new place.” I try to sound cheerful. With poor results. “I cannot wait to walk around naked and gorge myself on creamer to celebrate Eileen’s excellent life choices and?.?.?.” I can’t make myself continue, and my voice trails off.

Liam’s eyes remain withdrawn. Absent, almost. But after a while he says, “Whatever you want, Mara,” in a kind, gentle tone.

I manage one last smile and slip out of his office as the first tear hits my collarbone.