Chapter 27

The hospital does not wait for anyone.

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times, and today is no exception.

I want to stay home and have a day with Luke. He seemed way more freaked out about that nightmare than he wanted let on.

But I know better than to push him. He just clams up.

When I get in to work, I go to check the board to see what's on the schedule for the day, and that's when I remember we have the high-risk pediatric ventricle repair.

Everyone has been talking about this one for a long while. The kid has a hole in his heart, and it's not looking good.

If we can't repair it today, he won't make it. And worse, the surgery is extremely risky.

It's labor and time intensive, and there's a very good chance his body won't handle the anesthesia or the procedure itself very well.

There is no good answer for this one. No clear direction that will be a guaranteed or at least likely win.

It's all up in the air.

And it's a child.

I sigh. I've been dreading this day, and Luke did, in fact, do a good enough job distracting me that I actually forgot it was coming up so soon.

I want to go back there, to where the pain doesn't exist.

To where I'm not scared—of so many things.

"Hey, Dr. Stewart." I see Melody sitting behind the desk today, and she offers a sympathetic smile as I turn away from the board.

"Hi, Mel."

"Are you worried about the surgery today?"

She furrows her brows, and if anyone else had said it, I wouldn't have taken the pity. I hate that shit, and it's not me anyone should feel bad for over the procedure.

But I know Melody isn't trying to throw around platitudes or just say something because she thinks she should.

She's this innocent young woman, and I know she's actually trying to help.

"Yes." I nod. "I am. There's not a good chance going in, and that…sucks."

Melody's eyes fall to the desk before flicking back up to me with a youthful hope touching her deep brown gaze.

"At least you'll have Dr. Carter there. She's amazing. She always gives it her all."

With a smile, I nod in agreement. I know a lot of surgeons passed up this surgery because it has such poor chances.

Something like that can tank a doctor's success stats, which can look bad when you're trying to get money and attention.

Risky surgeries are necessary, of course, but some physicians aren't truly in this career to help people, not really.

They want the money, the clout, the prestige.

And I'm not above saying I resent them for that.

People need us, need our skills. Trying to make a buck off these situations feels…wrong.

It's why I am glad to have Linda with me. She's a genuine, kind human being.

Linda took me under her wing right away, and she offered the kind of mentorship and compassion that turns a nervous med student into a successful doctor.

I wouldn't be here without Linda Carter, the best damn cardiac surgeon around.

Nodding at Melody, I offer a small smile in return. "She does. I can only hope I become the type of surgeon she inspires."

Reaching up over the counter, Melody puts her hand on mine.

"I'm sure you will, Dr. Stewart. I can see how much you care about your patients. Not all surgeons are like that, as you know. You'll do great. I'm sure of it."

Melody is a great nurse. She's friendly with patients and staff, and she has a lot of life ahead of her—a bright future.

Suddenly, the nervous energy I've been fighting off increases tenfold.

I know I can't be dwelling on the possibility that a Cobra is in the hospital again, but what can I do?

The chances are all too real. If one got in here, whoever they are, they could hurt Melody, one of my patients, anyone.

I can't stand it.

My brain starts scrambling. Melody can't be here. She's too young.

"Thank you, Mel." I swallow hard. "Say, when is your next day off? Soon? You've been working hard."

"Yeah, actually. I have tomorrow off and thank you for noticing. Gotta put in those hours, though, am I right?"

I force a laugh.

"Yeah, of course. Well, hey, if I can manage to get some help, what if I see about getting you home early today? A thank you for all your support."

Melody smiles, putting a hand to her chest as she starts to stand up.

"Aww, thank you. But this floor is short two nurses already. I don't see that happening. But it's fine. I love my job."

Dammit. But it's okay, right? There's no one here. Everything is fine.

"Oh, right. Of course. Well, worth a shot." I suck in a breath, trying to clear out the stagnant anxiety that hangs over me like a storm cloud. "What are you doing after work?"

Excitement bubbles up into Melody's face, and she grins wide as she holds up a finger and digs in her purse.

"Here, look." When she moves back toward me, Melody holds up her phone to a restaurant reservation. "My boyfriend is taking me here."

It's one of the nicest places in our small port town.

"Wow." My eyes go wide. "He must be ready to wine and dine you if he's taking you there."

"I know, right!" She puts her cell away. "I'm so excited. He said it's going to be a special evening. I think he's going to propose or something!"

"What?" My heart drops into my stomach.

"Yeah, we've been dating since I was sixteen, and we're always talking about getting married and starting a family. Ugh! I'm freaking out, Dr. S!"

So am I, kiddo. So am I.

Just as I'm about to respond, Dr. Carter walks up behind me, tapping me on the shoulder.

"Hey, Clara." She's wearing her serious face, and my chest aches for how hard my heart is beating. "We got clearance to start that ventricle repair early. Let's go."

The hits just keep on coming, don't they?

"Oh, of course. I'm right behind you." I look over at Melody with a goodbye smile. "Congrats, hon. Tell me all about it when I see you next, okay?"

"Of course. Good luck in there!" She calls out after me as I jog down the hall with Dr. Carter.

I'll take any damn good luck I can get today because I just know it's going to be a rough one.

* * *

My fingers are red,the skin raw from rubbing for at least a few minutes now.

No one is speaking. The room is utterly silent.

Platitudes. Condolences. All of us know there's no space for them.

We all know they do nothing to help or change the fact that…

He's gone.

And hell, we all knew it was a possibility going in, and yet here we are, still somehow shocked.

Still angry.

Neither Linda nor I is willing to give the news alone or make the other person do it, so we go together.

As a team.

So, it's together that we tell the parents their son has…gone to a better place.

That empty rationale we always use.

I can only take solace in the fact that I know, for a fact, he isn't suffering anymore.

That much is done.

They take it better than most would. They're still sobbing, still a mess, but I think they've been preparing themselves for this.

Or at least trying to.

Trying to.

The rest of my shift goes by in a blur.

We don't have any more heavy-duty procedures today. So I'm getting into the car with Luke before I even realize it.

"Hey." Luke's voice is soft, gentle. "Are you…well, no, I can see you're not. What happened?"

"Lost another one." All I can do is stare off into the distance through the windshield. "He…had an uphill battle. We all knew that. He'd been sick for so long."

Luke's fingers find mine over the center console again. I remember the other day, the other week?

Everything is blurring. But I remember the older man. I remember this…child.

"I'm sorry, Clara." I can actually hear Luke swallow. "But sometimes when you're older, when you've been fighting for so long?—"

"He wasn't old. He was eight."

Something changes in the air. Luke grips me harder, and when I look over, he seems especially affected.

I should ask about it. I should say something uplifting.

But I can't find it in me to do so.

I'm just so damn tired. My shoulders ache, my feet ache, and my freaking soul aches.

All I want is to rest.

Just not forever.

Still, words spill out, and they're not…they're not the ones I want.

"He was tired of fighting. I don't blame him. And his parents…they're just alone now. I can't imagine…"

I breathe, my free hand reflexively going to my lower stomach.

"I'm glad it's empty. I'm glad I can't have kids."

Luke gasps a little, but he doesn't interrupt. I look over, and I know he can see me from his peripheral vision.

"I don't think I could take it, Luke. If they got hurt or sick. With Beth…I'm a coward. I can't take on that weight. Not like my patient's parents. Not like Regina."

"You're not a coward, Clara." Luke clears his throat. "Being a parent…it's not for everyone. And some people who are, shouldn't be."

I only half hear his words. My brain is swimming in despair and existential dread.

"And it's just randomness. He was sick because of who the fuck knows why. Any of us. We could go at any time."

It's quiet for a beat. My driving pulse is the only sound in my ears, and it's too damn loud.

"We could go. Right here in this car."

"I will not—" Luke's voice is low, hard, and laced with barely hidden anger "—let anything happen to you."

Glancing over at him, our eyes meeting, I see the rigidity of his stare. I think I see what he isn't saying.

But we're not there yet. We're not to the point where we're going to lay it all out in the open to each other.

Relationships have rules, apparently. I'm just learning them, but I know we're only starting out, and we aren't there yet.

So, I just nod.

Still, I do believe him. He won't let something happen to me, not if he can help it.

Hell, he's been shuttling me to work every day, letting me stay with him. It's all right there.

"Okay."

And then we just drive home.