19. Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Eighteen

Sovereign, may I return to clan lands?

Remmus' request went unanswered once more, and he hesitated to ask Kaien. Everyone in his clan was on edge. Even with the potent magic that lived in her veins, pregnancy had sapped Nina's strength, and Remmus didn't want to intrude, but he needed to speak with Kaien and check if the silver was still present in his bloodstream.

If silver poisoning wasn't the culprit, the only remaining possible cause was his coercion. That would pose a far greater problem. Since the mating bond had appeared, the urge to harm himself had increased ten-fold.

The framework of the curse recognized what the bond meant—and it was slowly but surely strangling the life out of him. If he were to finalize the bond, the backlash would be immense and unrelenting. Remmus didn't want to think about what it'd mean for the long run or whether it could somehow transfer to Ava and sully her with its darkness.

There was no solution for him, and he would never allow harm to her.

When he'd awoken this morning, a pounding headache had nearly made it impossible to focus. The ache had escalated throughout the day whenever he utilized his psychic gifts.

It'd taken him almost twice the amount of time it normally would to recode the HVAC at Seth's pack house yesterday. Something was affecting his psychic abilities and causing him to lose the finely-tuned mechanics of his technopathy. To him, it was all the same: failure.

The moment he'd given in and dragged the blade across his forearm, he'd nearly doubled over from the reverberation in his mind. It had blinded him from within, a sharp, stabbing pain that throbbed between his temples.

Blood crusted beneath his fingernails, thick and red. He'd combatted the coercion too long, and now he was paying the price. As a child, he'd wrongly assumed that holding off longer would help him eventually conquer it, but he learned all too soon that the more he resisted, the worse the penance.

He had a mate to think about now. Worrying about what Ava would do once she found out—and what she would say—had his mind twisting in knots. She'd undoubtedly find him to be a monster, a twisted man who couldn't contain his own demons.

When he'd revealed his childhood clanlessness to her yesterday, the fear that'd rebounded through their mating bond had been potent. She'd returned from her run more centered, but had quickly excused herself when they'd teleported back to Riaz's den. He had worried about her all night.

Remmus scrubbed at the remaining flecks of blood around wounds that were sealing up of their own accord. Given the energy it took to heal them, his stomach was demanding sustenance again, but he'd deal with that later.

The telepathic ping he'd sent to Kaien last night had also gone unanswered. Above all things, Remmus never wanted to be a burden. He'd given up for now.

He glanced at his forearm once more. Though he had inked the tattoo initially to cover any potential transfiguration slights, he'd grown used to the look. He had to redo it every year or so to keep up with his heightened metabolism and his body's base rejection of the ink.

The scene depicted a memory he'd never forget.

A lance of pain sharpened behind his left temple, and he pressed a palm against it. Perhaps the broken bone from Aidan's assault had yet to fully heal. Removing the transfiguration he regularly kept to conceal the truth, he stared blankly at the broken line of scars on his skin.

They were pieces of a past he loathed. Slivers of his mother's attempt to make him into something he wasn't. The wicked woman had broken him before he'd turned five. He'd begun developing resistance to his mother's dark gift as he grew into a teen, but he was intimately familiar with its cool, icy clutches.

Bile rose in his throat, but he forced back his body's visceral response to the memory. At least he'd had the presence of mind to hide the small line of scars from Ava after the snowball fight. In the excitement, he'd temporarily given up the transfiguration on his palm in lieu of maintaining his teleportation.

Something was dragging on his psychic resources, and the concession had been a necessity. The silver—or the coercion—was affecting him more than he thought.

After a shower which rinsed off the last traces of blood, Remmus sought out Ava. He found her in the Great Hall, seated along one wall, and was immediately drawn to her. She was irresistible, like a sun that he revolved around, the gravity that kept him in orbit. Without her, he'd tumble into nothingness.

The moment he sat down beside her, she bumped her shoulder against his. "I'm sorry about yesterday. I reacted poorly."

"You didn't. I blindsided you with something I thought you already knew, and it took a run to clear your head." He smirked. "At least you came back."

"Aidan would've frowned upon a complete abandonment." Her fingers skated down the tattoo along his left forearm, her thumb tracing the waterfall. "What is it like to have two sovereigns?"

He captured her wandering fingers and pressed them to his lips. "Honestly? It's strange. My entire life I've only ever known Nina, and she's the only one I've trusted enough to let in. To have two, and to be connected with Zeke of all people, is a development few of us were expecting. We'd always thought they'd go on hating each other forever."

Remmus shook his head, lost in his own thoughts. "After they mated, they made us do these group trainings with the other lieutenants. Zeke had his own seconds, after all, five of them, and none of us really knew each other. I think they took sick pleasure in pitting us against one another to hone our skills.

"But during this one group training," he continued, "Zeke and Nina decided to spar: two sovereigns going full tilt against one another. We, of course, started taking bets on who'd win between them, and it got heated. Real tooth and nail, all out. And then, just when we started to see some real grit, they ended up making out right there on the mats. Both of them won. We all lost."

Ava burst out laughing. "That's rich."

"I lost a hundred bucks on that bet," he retorted, mockingly morose. "The only one who'd bet they wouldn't finish was Zeke's cousin Tzuriel, and he cashed out."

Fondly remembering the day, a warm feeling bloomed within his core. When Ava's fingers turned his jaw toward hers, the soft smile that graced her features nearly made his heart stop.

"What?"

"It's just nice to see you, not the playboy grin you always wear. I like it."

Red colored his cheeks, but his debonair air was still firmly in place. "You like me, huh?"

"Maybe a little." Lifting her shoulder coyly, Ava snickered. "But don't push your luck."

"Noted."

He leaned back against the bench. Wolves were running around, playing some sort of ball game in their four-legged forms. Though some had beckoned Ava to lead their team, she'd elected to observe instead of participating.

Remmus looked down to where Ava's fingers had threaded through his own. He couldn't remember the last time he'd had physical contact that hadn't involved a punch to the face or a kick to the gut.

The urge to punish himself for this small slice of happiness spiked behind his temples. With every step forward their relationship took, his coercion escalated in sync. He didn't want to think about what would happen if he finalized the mate bond.

Had his parents still been alive, they'd have skinned him alive for even hoping to be happy or to trust someone else enough that he'd be capable of getting hurt. Thank the fates they'd been dust for centuries.

Resisting the urge to shudder, he glanced at Ava. "I have something for you."

"Do you?" Perking, excitement danced behind her eyes. "Is it something edible, perhaps? Or something fun? Don't keep me waiting, Raeth."

"And if I do keep you waiting? I quite enjoy this level of enthusiasm from you."

"Oh, well then—" she shot him her best glare, "—pushed off a cliff into shark infested waters."

"Back to that, huh?" Remmus tapped a finger to his chin. "Let's see, then. A Raeth stole your autographed Dolly Parton poster, blackmailed you for it, and made you karaoke in front of all of your wolfy friends for its safe return."

"That is oddly specific." Ava made grabby hands but the grin remained. "Now, come on. Gimme gimme."

Teleporting the small token of affection into his hands, Remmus handed it over to her delighted shriek of excitement. Instantly, her complete attention was on the box in her hands, the look of rapture on her features.

"These are amazing! When did you get these?"

"After you made cupcakes the first time."

Remmus studied the assorted cake frosting tips for signs they'd sprouted diamonds overnight. The metal contraptions looked just as simple as they did when he'd gone to a specialty baking store and spent far too much time chatting with the clerks trying to decide which set to get. Her off-the-scales excitement made it all worth it.

"I can never have too many." A face-eating grin spread over her mouth before she turned on him. "Racking up your brownie points, huh?"

"I assure you; this gift is purely self-serving," he said. "And yes, I love brownies, if there was ever any question."

A telepathic knock sounded on his mental door, and Ava went quiet when he tapped a finger to his temple. Kaien's voice broke into his thoughts only seconds later.

Remmus.

Kai. How's our glorious sovereign duo?

They're better—both of them. The other male replied, though his psychic voice sounded tired. Nina said you'd reached out. Can you come back and give us a report?

I thought you'd never ask. Be there in a few.

"Duty calls, Blondie," he said. "I have to return to clan lands."

A thread of trepidation mingled with surprise, the emotions banding through the ghosting mating link between them. "When will you be back?"

"It shouldn't take me too long to touch base."

He'd spent very little time on clan lands lately and any interaction he'd had with Nina and Zeke had been rushed and understandably overshadowed by his sovereign's needs. Shaking his head to ward off any abysmal thoughts, he refocused on Ava's thumb gently rubbing small circles into the fleshy part of his palm. "If you stay away too long, I'll hunt you down and drag you back here, kicking and screaming."

A devilish grin. "The only screaming that'll happen between us is when I—"

"Remmus!" Ava's hand clamped over his mouth, shutting off his speech. "Little ears present, Raeth. Have some decorum."

He puckered up and kissed her hand. "Anything for my Blondie."

Before he could get too sentimental, he teleported directly into his home on clan lands. Compared to the boisterous noise of Ava's den, the quiet of his living room seemed almost oppressive.

He felt … lonely.

Remmus glanced around his mostly bare house. Though it was a generous size, it was sparsely furnished and held no hint of décor or personality. Twin leather recliners had been his only frivolous purchase, and though he admittedly loved to relax in them, he rarely ever had company.

Before, his only steady company had been Kaien and Celeste. Now that Kaien had mated, Remmus had unintentionally been pushed to the back seat. He didn't want to think about Celeste; there was still too much to clear between them.

To think Ava might use one of his recliners at some point seemed like a pipe dream. As soon as she discovered what he'd done as a youngling, Remmus would be cast aside, and he'd become as worthless as his parents had believed him to be.

He emerged into the chilly streets of his clan lands, heading toward his sovereign's place. He nodded to more than a few clansmen he saw along the way, blissfully happy when he saw several heavy with child.

The coming months would see an influx of younglings join their psychic web, each child automatically linking with their mother's clan network. It'd be a dynamic time of both great joy and chaotic change, but nothing would be sweeter.

Two minutes later, he was knocking on the door of Nina's home.

A clipped voice bade him entry only seconds later, and he strode into her living room with a hint of anxiety. Nina was asleep on the couch underneath a blanket, curled into Zeke's side, an arm cradling her pregnant belly. Kaien and Hemin were nowhere to be found, likely off on rounds checking on other mothers-to-be.

Remmus breathed a sigh of relief at Nina's appearance. The bags underneath her eyes had vanished and a hint of color had returned to her skin. She no longer appeared as though she was withering away.

Whatever the healers were doing, it was working.

Every ounce of his allegiance and respect for the woman had been earned through centuries of her empathy and compassion toward him. If there was something he could do now to care for her, he'd do it.

"I'm glad to see Nina is looking better. Can I do anything for her?" Remmus spoke softly, not wanting to disturb her.

"No, but thank you, Remmus," Zeke greeted, his smile thin but genuine. "How are things going on pack lands?"

"We finished several HVAC system updates are making headway on the St. Louis plant. It won't be long before we've built a case against them—they're in deep with illegal ammunition."

"Dug their own grave," the other man said. "What have you found in regard to the Citizens Raeth?"

Opening his mouth to reply, Remmus' next words were cut off when his best friend teleported into the living room. Before he could greet him, Kaien moved toward his sister and handed a duffle to Zeke.

"This should satisfy her for the time being."

"Kai."

Remmus offered his best friend a genial smile, but it was dashed when the other man only gave him a cursory nod. Kaien wore his fatigue on his features. His jawline was shadowed, and he had traces of bruising underneath his eyes. Every movement was slow and methodical, like he couldn't waste any extra energy.

"Sheila is stable and so is her child," Kaien told Zeke. "Hemin is back in Ontario tending to Mercy."

Zeke nodded, "If anyone is close to the edge, inform me."

Kaien sighed as he saluted, the sound a weary, broken thing before he pivoted back to face Remmus. Squeezing his shoulder, the healer said, "We miss you, friend. You spend too much time with those wolves, you're liable to become one."

Grinning, Remmus' heart pounded. "Kai, I've found my—"

"Zeke!" Celeste's voice carried from the foyer, halting Remmus' words. "Arya's child is a girl!"

The sound of fast footsteps clattered against the foyer's marble floors, heralding the arrival of the pink-haired pixie he'd hurt with his rejection during the Heat. Nina's eyes fluttered open, finding Remmus first, then shifting her attention to Celeste when she came bounding into the living room.

"Arya's having a girl?" Nina grinned. "I'm sure she's delighted."

When Celeste saw Remmus, the joy on her face faltered for a second. Merry chatter commenced, and Remmus was left lingering alone while they spoke of Zeke's lieutenant.

For the first time since he'd joined Nina's clan, he felt like an outsider. Even though he'd only been gone a few days, it felt as though his absence stretched decades. They were all busy celebrating their impending arrivals while Remmus' presence was a reminder that there were yet enemies beyond their borders.

Something inside his chest twisted. The dreary feeling he couldn't classify swelled, and he took another step back from his clansmen. Suddenly, he didn't feel like baring his soul. His matehood, if it ever came to that, would likely never result in the children they were so excited about now. If he committed to matehood, the coercion would be relentless. He wouldn't be able to combat it for long.

The worst poisons taste the sweetest.

Pinpricks of black danced at the edges of his vision, his balance compromising for a half-second before he shifted his weight. Kaien was already balancing on the edge; he'd seen it in the exhaustion behind the man's eyes. Remmus didn't need to add to his stress with a problem that should have already resolved.

What he needed was to leave; he couldn't allow himself to falter physically. Melancholy thickened in his throat, and without another word, he began moving toward the front door.

"Remmus?"

Nina's voice stopped him. Glancing at her over his shoulder, he said simply, "I'm needed back on pack lands. I'll keep you updated."

"Be safe."

Without another word, he gave a half-hearted wave and walked out of the living room and out of Nina's home. Once more, he'd been unable to resolve the health issue that continued to plague him. The drum in his mind snared with a single message: failure.

Pressure built behind his mental walls, slamming into his psychic shields. Blood dripped from his nose, the beads of crimson falling towards the cold ground beneath his feet, ignored. Remmus' fingers curled of their own accord.

He dabbed at his nose, sneering at the traces of his failure. He teleported to the mountains where his mate was, needing her stability. As soon as Ava saw him, her beautiful features became shadowed.

"What happened?"

The wolf closed the distance between them immediately, her palms connecting with the sides of his jaw. His five o'clock shadow was coarse on her delicate hands.

"Nothing of note. With so many pregnant women, our sovereigns and our healers are stretched thin. I barely got to talk to Zeke."

"Your healer didn't check what's going on with the silver in your system?"

Remmus didn't want to throw his healers under the bus, but he hated Ava's worry. "I'll be fine," he lied. "Kaien said it'll dissipate soon. Nosebleeds are just an annoying side effect."

A pregnant pause before Ava's eyes narrowed in concern. "Remmus, what's the matter?"

My home didn't feel like home anymore. The thought had melancholy trifling with his emotions again. Ava felt like home, but the situation with her was up in the air. What would happen when she discovered his past and what he'd done to his parents?

"Homesick, I suppose." His customary grin had never felt more fake, the lie on his lips feeling bleaker than it'd ever felt before.

"Then let's go. Show me where you live."

"It's on Raeth clan lands, Ava," he apologized. "There will be Raeths everywhere. You'll be surrounded."

"I know why you're hesitant, Remmus, but I'll be okay." Then, she smirked. "Besides, I know at least one Raeth who's not too bad."

"Not too bad, huh?"

"Yeah. You're pretty okay for a Raeth."

"What a glowing compliment," he replied, smug but satisfied.

"You're welcome."

When she stepped into his body, her tangy citrus scent washed over him, and Remmus got a kick of energy. Her chest went flush against his, and her arms coiled around his waist, the woman unashamedly claiming him in the middle of the great hall.

A wolf whistle sounded from somewhere in the hall, but his attention was on her. "As you wish, Blondie."