Chapter 23

23

E stlin is panicking. At least, I believe that's what's going on. She freaked out about waking up in my bed this morning—in fairness, she wasn't wrong about how ill-advised that move was—and then she couldn't fly out of the house and away from me fast enough. She was losing her mind even before she overheard my mother and her squad try to plan my love life for me.

But the fact that she reacted the way she did to that tells me last night was more than we bargained for her too.

At least I got the heads-up about it. That's why Katy is my person.

Katy: There's this incredible single-mom doctor who is beautiful, sweet, and kind. She works as an intensivist with Rina, and everyone thinks she'd be perfect for you. If I didn't already believe you were in love with your nanny, I'd agree. But since I do, I'm texting to inform you that plans are in the works to hook you up with this woman, and your nanny didn't seem too happy about it .

I didn't reply other than to tell Katy that I love her and to thank her for the heads-up. I didn't bother to acknowledge the in-love bullshit. That's simply how Katy works. It was a fishing expedition. One I didn't feel like being the bait or even the fish on. I was too hung up on the Your nanny didn't seem too happy about it part.

Estlin had already texted, trying to reaffirm our boundaries, and when I set all this in motion at the hospital yesterday, I understood the need for them even if I didn't fully want them.

Then last night happened.

Yes, the sex was fucking hot. We had been a dormant volcano finally allowed to erupt, and erupt we did. It lived up to every second of its promise.

But after that? After I came inside her—bare, I might add—for the final time and she proceeded to pass out, I couldn't fall asleep along with her. It wasn't that she was in my bed when I knew she shouldn't be. It wasn't that I had spent the night fucking my much younger nanny and I felt all kinds of wrong doing it.

It was her.

Estlin.

Asleep in my arms.

Her cut and bruised face and sweet body and sassy mouth that had finally been quieted.

It. Was. Her .

I was thunderstruck. Caught in what should have been a panic-inducing realization, only I wasn't panicking. It was as if finally the pieces of my life fell into place and everything I had stopped searching for had not only found me but was asleep in my arms. The words, never stop chasing her and never give her an excuse to go, were running through my head. I waited for all my fears and ghosts to come barreling back through me, but there was nothing left of them.

The only things, as it turns out, I'm afraid of are losing her and how trying to keep her will upend the steady state of my life.

I stole her panties—again—something I'm not even sure she's aware of yet. I want her to sneak into my room to try to find them again. I want her to discover me in the shower jerking off to fantasies of her. I want her to be so crazed with lust that she strips down and joins me. I want to fall asleep with her laughter in my ear and the smell of her hair across my face.

I want this to be the beginning, not the end.

I've got it bad.

It's terrifying and problematic and just a fucking mess. But life isn't always as cute, cozy, and neat as we'd like it to be. I've come alive since she entered my life, and I don't want to stop now. She's afraid, and her fear makes her run. I can't blame her for that. Not after all she's been through. But if she gives this a chance, she'll see all that we have the potential to become.

"Why don't you deal?" I offer to Jack, who has been here all day and night. I know Estlin is already done with him. It's her brother, and she's anxious to pick a fight with me before she attempts to end this. But having Jack here, despite what I'm doing with his sister, is great. He's been in LA since the end of our residency, and now he's back. Time with him is precious.

But it also solidifies that I can do this.

I can have both.

It doesn't have to be one or the other.

I can be a good friend to him and take care of his little sister. Just as he asked me to.

I can be her guy and his best friend.

I'm determined to be.

I just have to figure out all the logistics of it first. Those are the real fuckers.

Jack deals us each five cards, and I take a sip of my wine. I have no idea how many glasses this makes, but I'm not driving. Jack, I'll likely have to shove into an Uber to get him out of here so I can be alone with his sister. Speaking of…

With my cards in my right hand, I slide my left hand beneath the table until I find Estlin's knee. She jolts at the contact, her body slamming up and jostling the table.

"You okay?" Jack asks without bothering to look up from his cards.

"Yep. All good." She grips my hand, trying to pry it away. I don't relent until she gets her nails involved.

Trying the next tactic, I pull out my phone and text her from beneath the table since that seems to be the only way she'll communicate with me right now.

Me: That's not how you looked when you left this morning.

Estlin: Two hot dudes did me over.

Inwardly, I chuckle.

Me: They did a nice job, but you're beautiful no matter what. Are you in any pain?

Estlin: Nope.

That's it. This girl. She's going to put me through my paces, but maybe that's what I like so much about her. Nothing has ever been easily won with her. I've had to work for everything she's ever given me.

Jack shuffles his cards around, and I do the same, discarding two, and then immediately return my hand to her leg, only this time I go a lot higher than her knee. My fingers splay, and my hand covers her thigh. Sexy fucking thighs I want to be wrapped around me later. She tenses but doesn't pry my fingers away this time.

Eventually, I'll tell Jack. I will. Once I've won Estlin over and I know precisely what I'm risking his friendship for. I can't do that alone, and I can't do that until I'm positive she's with me.

Which right now, she's not even close to being.

Jack slips me two cards, his gaze intent on his hand, and I use his distraction to my advantage as I slide my hand up Estlin's thigh until I'm cupping her pussy through her leggings. Thank God she's wearing these things. Thin, easily accessible, can-feel-my-entire-hand-as-I-feel-her-entire-pussy, leggings.

She wheezes out a curse, only to suck that breath immediately back in.

"You won't always win at everything," Jack quips to her, assuming she's upset about her cards.

"So I'm learning."

Jack laughs and finally peers up, noting Estlin's stunning flush. "That wouldn't be a lie crossing your lips and staining your cheeks, would it?"

I chuckle. How can I not?

"Um. Well. Yeah. I think I fold." She chucks her cards onto the table as if they're burning her hands.

"Wimp," I chide, pressing two fingers to her opening and then moving them back up to her clit. I start to rub her, and her thighs clamp shut, but she's still not pushing my hand away.

"Oh?" She reaches over and grips my hard cock. Only she doesn't just grip it. She squeezes it. Squeezes the life from it. Siphoning all of the blood from it and thrusting it back up into places it doesn't want to be.

I cough and hiss and am forced to abandon her pussy in order to rip her fingers from me before I pass out or throw up. She tosses me a triumphantly smug grin and wink and then goes back to her cards, leaning back since she's already sitting this first hand out.

That's how it goes for about three hands.

My hand wanders and plays. Hers punish. By the time we hit round four, I'm fucking done. I need her now. I do an exaggerated yawn. The one that's universally used as a non-verbal cue to get the fuck out. Jack doesn't get the hint. He's two games up because both Estlin and I are distracted in our back-and-forth.

"I fold," I announce.

"Me too." Estlin smacks her cards down on the table.

Jack groans, chucking his cards in frustration. "For real. You're not even trying."

"I'm going to bed." Estlin stands up quickly, and in doing so, my hand smacks into the edge of the table. I get a smirk from her. One she's going to pay for.

I stand slowly, letting her know she's not getting away with that. "I'm beat as well."

"You guys are lame."

I shrug. Estlin points to her makeup-covered face.

Jack makes a noise, but then he stands up and stretches out his long limbs. "Fine. Maybe there's a bar and a woman with my name on them."

Estlin mocks like she's vomiting. "Ew. Gross."

Jack laughs, and I refuse to let him leave here with his car, which means he'll be back tomorrow morning. But I don't care. It gives me tonight with his little sister.

His Uber arrives, and the second the door shuts behind him, I immediately have Estlin pressed against it.

"What are you doing?" she gasps, swatting at me as I press myself into her. She's an angry, feral little kitten. She needs to get over it.

In one smooth motion, I scoop my arm beneath her upper thighs and lift her off her feet, dropping her fireman style on my shoulder. She yelps, and I smack her ass as I march back toward my man cave. I slide her leggings down, exposing her ass and pussy, and then shove two fingers straight into her.

"All day long, I've thought about you and doing exactly this. "

"Ah! Oh my god. What the hell are you doing?" Her breath catches, and she shakes her head as if she wants to protest, but we both know she won't. She's spent all day thinking about me too. She's wanted this just as much as I have.

I walk her over to the long sofa in here and set her down on the soft leather. Without hesitation, I climb over her, taking her hands and pinning them above her head when she tries to get up and leave.

"I don't think so." I grind into her, pressing her deeper into the couch. "If you have something to say, go for it, but you're not running. Not from me."

I lock her wrists in one hand and use the other to finish pulling her leggings over her curvy hips and thick thighs. Kicking off my shoes, I use my feet to finish the job and stare down at her, taking in the sight before me. Christ. Will it ever get easier to see her like this and not immediately feel like I'm about to blow my load?

"I don't want to do this."

I glance up at her and shift until my face is inches from hers. "Really, Estlin? Really? Do you actually mean that, or do you think that's how you're supposed to feel? Because your body tells me you want this. Hell, I can smell how fucking turned on you are right now." I grind against her. "And you sure as hell can feel how much I want you."

She looks away, and I release her wrists, pulling back to give her the escape she's pretending she needs. She doesn't move, and I think part of her hates that. She's too locked in her twisted thoughts, just as wild and crazy about me as I am about her, and she hates it.

My fingers hook into the sides of her panties, and I tug them off. "Take off your shirt and bra."

"And yet you're fully dressed," she accuses defiantly, her tone is nothing short of sharp and cutting.

"It's not an even playing field between us," I admit, shoving her feet wider and her thighs apart. "I can't promise it'll ever be. I can't fathom a time will ever come when I won't worship at your feet. When I won't feel a million miles beneath you and nowhere ever deserving enough. But I'll always be honest. As much as I can be," I amend because I don't think either of us is quite ready for my full, brutal honesty. "But if you give me an inch, I'll give you a mile, and if you give me your trust, I swear, I'll make it so you never regret it."

Her fingers slide into my hair and glide down to my jaw, her gaze unwavering. "What happens if I get attached? I don't want to lose this job. I love Rory, and I love being here. But I hated hearing how they wanted to set you up with that woman, and that tells me a lot. It makes me afraid that if this continues, I'll grow attached and you'll break my heart, even if unintentionally. I know I said a lot of things last night, but I don't know if they're words I can live by anymore. Doing this with you is already messing me up."

I shrug. "Good. Then we're on the same page as each other." I roughly cup her jaw and stare into her eyes. "I wasn't lying. It's you. It's only you. No one else. I don't care about who my mom wants to set me up with. She's not you. I have no plans to break your heart, Estlin unintentionally or otherwise. As for your job, Rory loves you." And I think I love you too . "It's yours until you tell me otherwise." I pause. Take a deep breath. Nervous in a way I'm not sure I've ever been. The power this woman has over me. "So what do you say? Can we try and see how it goes?"

Her breath holds high in her throat, and her gaze slingshots up to the ceiling. She's trying to hold off. She wants to keep this easy and risk-free the way she said we would last night in my office. But that was before, and this is now. And truthfully, I never agreed to her terms. I just didn't argue with them.

That's always been my problem. I'm all or nothing. I don't know how to do in between. It's how I got into trouble with my ex. I fell for her and was blind to everything else. All the warning signs that were blaring right in my face.

That's not Estlin.

And something tells me Estlin wants me to fight for her. She wants to be mine, she's just not sure how it all works yet. Truth be told, neither am I. So we have a lot to figure out. What couple doesn't? Is that what we even are? Or are we stuck in some sort of purgatory of not quite a fling and not quite a relationship?

She has a litany of questions burning her tongue. Words she's stubbornly refusing to set free.

Fine.

She won't read the fine print or ask if I've fallen head over heels in love.

It's probably safer that way. At least for me. My answer may be yes, and that answer might cost me everything, and maybe, just at this moment, that's not the right one to give.

So I put my hands on her inner thighs, push them apart, and then shove my tongue straight into her. She wants to be stubborn, but I'd love for her to try while I'm tongue fucking her.

"You don't have to worry about being quiet this time," I tell her, licking a circle around her clit. "My man cave and office are soundproofed. Scream all you want. I'll be the only one to hear you."