Chapter 20

I'm going out of my mind. The patient on my table is bleeding as fast as we can give him new blood. His surgery is more than just a little complicated and requires my complete attention. But Katy is unconscious on the goddamn OR floor.

Adrenaline shakes me and shortens my breath. I need to get to my girl.

"Dr. Lawson, you're sterile and your patient is bleeding," the nurse on my right reminds me as I instinctively go for her. Fuck!

"What's going on?" I bark, my body and mind screaming at me to run to her and pick her up, but I fucking can't or my patient will die. "Someone check her vitals. What's her blood sugar?"

"We're on it, Dr. Lawson," one of the circulating nurses tells me as she and an intern are all over Katy, checking her blood pressure and her glucose. I can see from here on the vitals cart screen that her heart rate is one-thirty-eight and her blood pressure is shit at 86/52. No wonder she passed out. She's been sick with food poisoning, and I should have made her stay home again last night. She was adamant and promised to keep the IV site in her arm in case she needed fluids.

Which she likely did but didn't take the time to get them.

Goddammit! Why didn't I make her stay home with me where I could take care of her? Hell, why did I let them page her, and why the fuck did I let her scrub in when she was already on all night? I'm her boss. Her… her… fuck, what am I to her? Not her boyfriend or even her lover. I'm not casual, and I'm not a friend with benefits either. I'm simply the guy she's living with who is trying to knock her up.

But… she's more than that to me. So much more.

She always has been and seeing her like this… "I need an update," rips from my throat.

"Blood sugar is forty-one," the nurse announces with a grim expression. "We're going to move her down to the emergency department."

I nod, even as I grit my teeth behind my mask and clench the instrument in my hand a little too tight. Forty-one?! How long was she feeling that before she tried to step away? Dammit, Katy!

We were going to take another test tonight after dinner with her uncle and stepmother. I haven't met them yet, and knowing how close they are with Katy, I've been nervous about it. I invited them over and offered to cook, but Katy suggested we all go out to Stella's to make it more casual.

Her uncle is going to kill me for not taking better care of her and I won't blame him.

"Okay. Take her down and notify them that you're on your way. Thanks." I don't mean it. I'm ready to burn down the world to go with her. "Start some D10 saline. She already has a line in her left arm. She had food poisoning the other day and required some fluids for it."

One of the nurses gives me an acknowledging wave, and then they transfer a pale and unconscious Katy onto a gurney, lift the side rails up, and wheel her out. Her uncle is working down in the emergency department today. He'll take care of her. Even if I can't.

Frustration slams through me, and it's taking everything I have not to call in another attending to take over so I can go be with Katy and hold her goddamn hand and help fix her.

Except I can't.

No one knows anything about us or what we've been doing, and not only would it ruin my career, but it could be devastating to hers. She wants this fellowship—and she's earned it—and that could all be ripped away from her in the blink of an eye if I do or say the wrong thing.

Fuck!

I can't do this anymore. How can I keep her a secret? I want this baby with her, but now… I also want her. I told myself if it took a few months for us to get pregnant, I could fuck her out of my system. But that's a joke. So laughable I'm almost embarrassed I believed something so ludicrous.

There is no fucking Katy out of my system. She is my system.

Doesn't she know she has to take care of herself? That I can't lose her?

I swallow thickly at that.

I walked away from Liz without a second thought or hesitation. But seeing Katy pass out, seeing her on the ground, imagining the worst… I don't want to lose Katy. Not ever. The thought makes it feel like someone is reaching inside and slicing out my organs one by one. I survived letting Liz go, but I don't think I'd survive letting Katy go a second time.

It's been over three weeks since Cayden left. Three goddamn weeks of trying not to think about what he said to me about her. I told myself he was wrong and that he only said that to get a rise out of me and nothing more. That liking Katy as much as I do isn't the same as loving her. But the truth is, I've been lying to myself longer than that. Since Katy and I started this.

Months of pretending I don't think about her all the time. Months of pretending that she hasn't just turned my world upside down, she's become it.

But I can't pretend anymore. Not as the truth slams into me with the force of a bullet.

I love Katy. I'm totally, wildly, head over heels in love with her. She makes me want things I swore I'd never want again.

I knew Katy would own my ass. I had a suspicion I'd be in trouble if I didn't lock myself down. But I never expected this. I never expected to feel this way again. I didn't think I had it in me.

I thought Liz had ruined me, but the truth is, it's Katy who did that. Long before anyone else came into the picture. Katy, my beautiful, sweet, incredible girl, is on her way to the emergency room with a life-threateningly low blood sugar, and I need to be there with her.

"Wow," Cricket remarks, snapping me out of my thoughts and back on the patient whose life I'm here to save. "That was unbelievable."

"Yes," I say lowly, blowing out a slow, even breath.

"I can't believe how unprofessional Katy is."

"What?" I bark as I continue to work on his liver wound.

"Well, you wouldn't see me passing out from a little food poisoning. A real trauma surgeon doesn't let things like that stop them from doing their job. I don't even care that she's a diabetic. That's utterly disgraceful."

"Utterly disgraceful?" I parrot, beyond incredulous—and frankly, fucking furious, to the point where she's lucky there's a patient between us saving her ass from me. I finally start to get a good footing on the liver, and the bleeding slows. "Dr. Peterson, what is wrong with you? Are you that nasty and heartless of a person that you have to be disparaging about a fellow doctor and colleague who just passed out from dangerously low blood sugar?"

"It's not nasty and heartless if it's the truth," she defends with an insolent sniff. "Dr. Barrows doesn't have what it takes the way I do."

Rage bubbles up inside me, threatening to overtake my better sense, but I cool myself down enough to only scoff derisively at her. "Do you want to know what makes a good trauma surgeon, Dr. Peterson? Having some humanity. Something I've seen in spades from Dr. Barrows and completely lacking from you. You think it makes you look better to shit all over Dr. Barrows while attempting to boost yourself up, but it doesn't. It makes you look catty, resentful, and insecure. Now get out of my OR. Williams and Shefter." I call over to the two third-year residents who are standing off to the side sporting matching owl eyes. "Please go scrub in. I'm going to need your help."

Cricket is still standing across from me, and you could hear a pin drop for how silent this room is. I likely shouldn't have publicly berated her that way, but right now I don't care. I'm too worked up, and Cricket picked the wrong time to be a bitch. There's no way I'm not going to defend Katy when she's not here to defend herself. Katy was taken out of here unconscious on a gurney, and instead of giving two shits about a woman she's worked with for the last four going into five years, she took advantage and tried to use this as an opportunity to play chess with me, and I won't have it.

"Dr. Lawson?—"

"Don't make me say it again, Dr. Peterson. I expect better from the surgeons on my service. You may not like Dr. Barrows, and you may think of her solely as your competition, but you will treat her with respect."

"Yes, sir," she utters, turns, and walks out with her head high, despite blatantly avoiding eye contact. I hope she's embarrassed. She should be fucking embarrassed.

I blow out a strained breath and roll my neck until it cracks. "I apologize if I made anyone uncomfortable, but there is no excuse for that sort of behavior, and I won't abide by it."

"Don't apologize." Tamara, the circulating snorts. "I'm glad someone finally said something to her. She is a mean girl, and I think I'm speaking for all of us when I say I was happy to leave that nonsense back in high school. There is no place for it here when we're working to save lives."

"I appreciate that."

"I'm texting with Margot Albright, who is the head RN in the emergency department," she continues. "She said they're working to get Katy's blood sugar up and that her vitals are stabilizing. She came around for a bit but is unconscious again. She was pretty dehydrated too. Her uncle Callan is there with her."

Dehydrated too. And I allowed her to stay and see this case because I wanted to show off in front of her and make her happy by allowing her to scrub in on a once-in-a-lifetime trauma. What is wrong with me? I should have forced her to go home. I should have made sure when I came in this morning after not seeing her all night that she had been taking care of herself.

April, the nurse on my right laughs interrupting my self-misery. "I'm sure half the hospital will be down there once word gets out. You know she has like twenty cousins, uncles, and aunts who work here in some capacity or another. That's not even an exaggeration."

My lips twitch behind my mask, and I'm relieved no one can see it.

"Let's hope Zane doesn't find out until they discharge her. That man is relentless with her."

"Yeah, I heard he stalked her to the parking garage a few weeks back."

"I heard he trolls her in the elevators."

As the nurses and techs continue to go back and forth, I go from a barely there smirk to a deep frown. Zane. I can't blame him for trying to win her back, but that doesn't mean I don't also want to kill him. Katy hasn't mentioned him to me in a while and hasn't said a thing about any of this. Though, now that I think back, Cayden mentioned something about pretending to be her boyfriend in the elevator with her ex. I was too worked up from seeing him to give it any thought.

Between my relentless ex and Katy's, we make quite the pair.

I told Zane if he didn't leave her alone, I'd ruin him, but that's the problem. He's not doing it on my floor, and I have no real jurisdiction over him. I can't fight him off as her man. This constant feeling of being stuck in between is stifling.

Katy is mine. She's always been mine.

And my heart irrevocably belongs to her.

The woman who brought sunshine back into my dreary life and made me long for everything I've been reading to my mother in her romance books.

I want us to be something real—something lasting and permanent and for more than just the baby we're trying to make—except she's nowhere close to wanting that with me. So that's where my pretending comes back into place. Because I don't think I can do it again. Not with her. I can't offer my heart up to her on a shiny silver platter and have her smash it into oblivion.

I will love the baby we make, and I'll love it more because I'm in love with its mother, but I have to learn to accept that that's where my love needs to end.

After an eternity in the OR, we finally manage to save this patient's life and tell his family that he needs to not only stop drinking but that he needs a new liver. They don't even try to play it shocked or cool. My guess is they've heard this before and know exactly how bad his alcohol addiction is.

The second I'm done with them, I race my ass down to the ER, through the back web, and after checking the board, straight to Katy's room. The door is closed, and I hesitate for only a second before I slide it open and freeze, my heart in my throat. Katy's small body is on the gurney, wearing only a hospital gown and a thin blanket, with an IV coming straight from her arm up to a bag of saline with glucose. She's pale and her hair is a matted mess, but she's still the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

I stand here for no longer than a second or two before my gaze flickers up to the monitor, where I do a quick assessment of her vitals, and then over to the tall man sitting in the chair beside her bed. I haven't met Callan Barrows yet, but I know it's him without requiring introductions. They have the same eyes, and I wonder if her father had them as well.

Entering the room, I shut the glass door and close the curtain behind me to give us privacy.

"Hi," I say, extending my hand. "I'm?—"

"Bennett Lawson," he answers for me, half-standing and shaking my hand before he retakes his seat. "Yeah, I know who you are. You're the man getting my Katy pregnant."

That pulls me up short, and I practically fall into a chair on the other side of her bed.

"Um, yes, sir, I am. But that's not?—"

He holds up his hand and stops me with a chuckle. "Relax, Bennett. Call me Callan. I'm too old to kick your ass, and if her cousins haven't done it already, then there's no need for me to. Owen, Vander, and Mason are terrorizers when it comes to her. They've scared off nearly every boyfriend she's had and then honestly nearly killed Zane when he didn't heed their very direct threats about not hurting her."

"I can't blame them for that. I'd love to kill him myself."

He nods and stares thoughtfully at me. "I figured as much. Katy told me about your situation. You're taking quite the risk with her."

I wipe at my lips. "She's taking quite the risk with me too." Which is probably why I trust her as much as I trust anyone right now. Yet another realization that leaves me winded. Katy is everything lovely and selfless in this world. So different from everything I've known in the past. I don't think Katy has it in her to intentionally hurt or betray anyone, and fuck if that doesn't make me love her even more.

"Katy has always done things her way and made no apologies or excuses for it. The fact that you're still here is reassuring for me, and the wrecked and terrified expression on your face when you came in and saw Katy like this makes me think she's more to you than just a ride to a baby. Am I wrong in that assessment?"

I lean forward, my elbows digging into my thighs. I glance over at Katy, who's still asleep, and then back at him, staring him straight in the eyes, man to man. I won't lie to him. It's not who I am. "No. You're not. She is a lot more than that to me."

He tosses his ankle up to his opposite knee and leans back, throwing his hands behind his head and butterflying his elbows out.

"I'm assuming based on the way you said that, she doesn't know that's how you feel?"

I shake my head.

A wry grin hits his lips, and he sets his forearms down on the arms of the chair. "So then tell me, Bennett, what's your plan?"

My eyebrows bounce. "My plan?"

He pans a hand in my direction. "I've been where you are before. I loved the hell out of a woman who didn't want any of that with me. She too had been hurt by an asshole who didn't deserve her. It sucks, so I get it."

I let out a strange, strangled laugh, not even bothering to deny the love part. I sit up and rub the back of my head. "How'd that turn out for you?"

"One day I decided I was done giving her the choice, and I showed her that not only would I be different from the others, but that I'd never stop fighting for her until I not only won her, but she realized she couldn't live without me either."

My lips twitch. "Was she as stubborn as Katy is?"

"Every bit as much. Men like us wouldn't have fallen so hard for them if they weren't. It just depends on if you're up for the challenge she presents or not." He leaves that hanging in the air between us and I don't bother reassuring him that I am. He can see it all over my face. "I'm going to get her discharge paperwork sorted." He stands and plants a kiss on Katy's temple and then goes to leave. "Hey, Bennett?"

I glance up at him. "Yes, Callan?"

"Take care of my Katy for me."

I swallow thickly. "I intend to."

"Good. Because you should probably be the one to tell her she's pregnant."