Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Larison

Jo getting us pizza went above and beyond the call of duty and I wanted to repay her in some way. Since she’d given me food, it seemed simple to reciprocate with food as well.

I had a favorite cookie recipe for vanilla chai cookies that was a winner with anyone I’d tried it with, so while we waited for the pizza, I set out the ingredients and let Juniper help me mix up the dough.

“Mama, do you like Jo?” Juniper asked as I shoved two trays of cookies into the oven and set the timer.

“Yes, I like her a lot.” Liking her too much was actually a real problem, but Juniper didn’t know about any of that.

Juniper licked sugar off her fingers. “Me too. I wish she could stay with us all the time.”

“Oh love, I know. She’s pretty great, isn’t she?”

Juniper nodded and then sighed when I pointed toward the sink so she could wash her hands.

Jo was great. She was spectacular. She’d only been working for me for two full days and already I didn’t know what I’d do without her. Every now and then when I’d be working on something at the bookshop, I’d have a little panic moment about my daughter but relief would quickly wash over me when I remembered that she was with Jo. Jo would take care of Juniper.

Juniper asked if we could play a game, so I got out one of her favorites and she made me play it three times. The cookies came out of the oven and they looked perfect.

“Mama, shouldn’t we test them before we give them to Jo?” Juniper asked.

I laughed. That was something I always said when I baked. You always had to “test” some of it to make sure it was good. Especially if you were gifting it to someone else. Obviously that was just an excuse to eat whatever it was as soon as it came out of the oven.

“I think we can do that,” I said, getting a plate and setting two cookies on it.

Juniper did a little chef’s kiss gesture that made me laugh. She must have seen it on a TV show or something.

We both agreed that the cookies were more than satisfactory, and I packed the rest up in a container for Jo. Briefly I considered driving them over to her apartment, but that would be silly and unnecessary. She’d be here tomorrow to get them. I’d just have to make sure that she didn’t give all of them to Juniper.

The pizza arrived and I couldn’t help but wish Jo was here with us to eat it. Even though our table was only set for two, we could have sat on the couch together.

I should get a third chair. Just in case. Even though the table would be crowded. Should I get a bigger table? There wasn’t a lot of room, but I could rearrange the living room…

“Mama?” Juniper asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.

“Yes, baby,” I said.

“I think you’re my favorite,” she said in a matter-of-fact way.

“Oh, Juniper, you’re my favorite. Always.” I gathered her up from her chair and smacked kisses all over her face as she laughed and squirmed.

“Mamaaaaa,” she said.

“Okay, I’ll stop.” I still held her close as she snuck bites of my pizza.

I kissed the top of her head. “I love you so much, baby.”

“I hope you like cookies,” I said when Jo arrived the next morning. Her eyebrows went up.

“I do,” she said tentatively.

“Then you’re in luck.” I held out the box to her. “Juniper and I made them last night to thank you for the pizza.”

“Oh,” Jo said, looking down at the box. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. You don’t, I mean, you’re not responsible for feeding us when you’re not here. You do so much already.” She went above and beyond. It hadn’t escaped my notice how much cleaning she did that I assumed she thought I wouldn’t notice. But I did. I’d come home and the pantry would be suspiciously tidy. Not that I was a slob or anything but sometimes I’d just chuck everything from the grocery bags inside without much thought. Jo had obviously gone in after me and lined everything up and made it look much better.

So many little things that she did. I wasn’t paying her enough, but I was already at the limit that I could afford. I wanted to do more. Cookies were the bare minimum.

“I’ll never turn down cookies,” she said, gripping the box so hard that her knuckles were white. We stood close, with the box between us and I looked down into her eyes. She had her glasses on today, but behind the clear plastic frames, her eyes were dark blue. Close to sapphire. I must have noticed them before, but not like this. She had the kind of eyes people wrote poems and sonnets about. Blue eyes just happened to be a weakness of mine. Juniper’s father had had them too and they’d made me overrule all my common sense.

“What is it?” Jo asked. I must have made a face at the thought of Juni’s sperm donor. The only good thing that man had ever done was helped me create an incredible daughter. Definitely a fluke because anything else he’d done was an utter failure. The second I’d known I was pregnant, I’d known he wasn’t going to stick around and I’d been right. He’d practically run away from me when I told him and given him the chance to be involved. And when he’d asked for a paternity test so I didn’t “scam” him “like girls do,” I’d told him that actually, I was going to deal with this on my own and he could go choke on a billion dicks in hell.

“Nothing,” I said, shaking my head. I needed to get going. The flooring was getting installed today. I’d looked at doing it myself, but what if I did it wrong and then had to pay someone to fix it anyway? There were a few things I was comfortable with, but I didn’t want to take chances with this. I’d rather pay more to get it right the first time.

“I should…” I trailed off, doing my best not to get lost in her eyes again. Somehow, I managed to take a step back and put some distance between us. There. That was better. Helped clear my head a little.

“Right. Yeah. You’ve got places to be. Things to do.” She appeared a little flustered too.

“Jo Jo!” Juniper yelled, jumping between us. For once, I was glad for her interference.

“Hey, Princess Juniper, what do you want to do today?” She set the cookies down on the counter and leaned down to Juni’s level. I knew how much my daughter liked it when Jo called her “princess.” It was cute.

“Hmmm,” Juniper said, doing the little thinking pose she’d picked up recently. It too was adorable.

“I’ll let you figure it out,” I said, leaning down. “Goodbye hugs, please.”

Juniper threw herself at me and I held her close, wishing I didn’t have to let go, but knowing it was the best for both of us. She and I needed to be independent from each other. We couldn’t end up like two emotionally entwined weirdos twenty years down the line that couldn’t leave the house without each other.

I let her go and watched as she grabbed Jo’s hand and pulled her down so she could say something in her ear.

“Have fun.”

Jo smiled. “We will.”

The rest of the week passed at warp speed. One minute I didn’t have floors and the next, I did. One minute I had no shelves, and the next, I did. The place was finally looking like an actual bookshop.

Pretty soon, my orders of books would start coming in, which was too exciting for words. They were one of the last touches to make before we opened, and I’d planned a day for all my friends to come and help me stock the shelves. I’d agreed to pay them in books and alcohol for helping.

I also had a section of the store for gifts and book accessories, including bookmarks, reading lights, and book sleeves and covers. I’d also considered the idea of having some adult items for those readers who liked books that were a little bit spicier, but I wanted to open and find out who my customers were and maybe do a survey first. I’d also been planning (with Sophie’s help), my first few bookish events for the store, and I couldn’t wait for our first book club meeting in particular. Even if the only people who showed up were my closest friends. I’d already had to beg my moms not to come, since we’d be talking about romance books and that would be really awkward. They’d probably just come anyway.

It was all still overwhelming, but I was getting more and more excited the closer we got to opening. I’d even reached out to a few local newspapers and journalists to see if they’d do an interview or story about the shop. I already had my talking points prepared about how important and lucrative the romance genre was and how it was still treated as frivolous and silly or pornographic and disgusting. The haters could never seem to make up their mind on which.

Every night I came home and was tired but satisfied with the work I was doing. Jo had started staying a little later to ask me how it was going and since she was a romance reader herself, sometimes I ran ideas by her.

“I say yes to the, uh, toy thing, but I think waiting and doing a survey is a good idea too,” she told me on Friday when I’d returned home.

I nodded. “Good. I know it might be controversial, but I also think it would be good. There are women who are reading these books about men being wonderful and able to give them, ah, you know, and then they go home to husbands that don’t. Why not take matters into their own hands? Literally?”

Jo snorted. She had Juniper in her lap as she braided her hair.“You won’t find any argument from me. I’m a big fan of all that .” Our eyes met and I tried not to laugh. Sometimes we had to get creative when it came to talking about adult things around Juniper. Fortunately, she was usually oblivious, but in my experience, kids always heard the things you never expected and then repeated them in the most inopportune moments.

I couldn’t be the mother whose daughter started talking to other kids about vibrators.

I leaned back on the couch and watched Jo finish up the braid. Juniper had sat still for most of it.

“I wish I had someone to do my hair for me,” I blurted out. My exhaustion had kind of deleted any kind of filter which was probably why she should go home so I didn’t say something that would cause her not to come back.

I needed her to come back. My daughter needed her.

“I could. I mean, if you wanted.” Her face went red and her eyes went wide behind her glasses. She was wearing them more and more and I wondered if she just needed them for reading or all the time. They looked good on her.

“No, that’s definitely above your paygrade. I’ll figure it out.” I wouldn’t, not in the way she just had natural talent for it. The idea of her braiding my hair was far too intimate, though. If Sophie was doing it, that was different. I couldn’t say why it was different if Jo touched my hair. It just was.

Jo finished up Juniper’s braid and got up from the couch with a sigh.

“Any plans tonight?” I asked.

“Reid’s working at Sapph, so I’ll probably head over there to make her give me a free drink or two.” She shrugged. “Nothing too exciting.” Going to Sapph seemed exciting to me, but our lives were very different.

“Mama, can we have a sleepover?” Juniper asked.

Jo gave me a questioning look.

“Sometimes we do what I call a sleepover where we watch movies late into the night and cuddle up in a pillow fort in the living room and sleep there. The next morning we order breakfast.”

Jo grinned. “That sounds kind of perfect.”

“Jo Jo, have a sleepover with us!” Juniper said, getting up and running to throw herself at Jo, who caught her before Juniper could crash into her.

“Jo has plans tonight, Juni,” I said, hoping this wasn’t going to lead to Juniper getting upset. Being so attuned to my daughter’s moods was a superpower and I could sense things could take a turn at any moment.

“Aw, I’d love to. Raincheck?”

Juniper narrowed her eyes and pouted. “That means no. Like when Mama says ‘maybe.’”

I choked on a laugh. This kid really had my number.

“What if I promise? I promise that I will have a sleepover with you in the future. You can count on it.”

“Fingers promise,” Juniper demanded, holding up her hands. This was something that I’d done with my moms. I’d always said that a pinky promise was too small since you were just swearing on one finger. If you really wanted to make a true promise, you’d swear on all your fingers. So my moms and I started holding our hands when we promised. I’d carried that tradition on with my own daughter. Hadn’t even thought about it, really.

“Like this,” I told her, going over to clasp Juniper’s hands so ours were palm together, our fingers entwined.

“Oh, I got it. This does make more sense,” Jo said, and she replaced my hands with hers. “I fingers promise that we will have a sleepover, Juniper.”

Juniper squeezed Jo’s fingers and then let them go. “Okay, Jo Jo.”

“Say goodnight to Jo,” I told Juniper, putting my hand on the top of her head. She kept getting taller and it surprised me every single day. I wondered if she’d grow taller than me. Part of me hoped she wouldn’t so I could still have some sort of authority over her.

Jo and Juniper hugged, and I swore I thought Jo kissed Juni’s head, but I might have just imagined it.

“Have a good weekend, PJ.”

“PJ?” I asked.

“Princess Juniper,” Jo clarified. Well, wasn’t that adorable? This woman kept doing things that made me want her. Like giving my daughter cute nicknames. Why that was arousing, I wasn’t going to unpack. It just was.

Something deep inside my lower half pulsed and crap crap crap, I needed to wrench my mind out of the gutter so I could have a sweet little sleepover with my daughter in the living room.

Jo did leave and I breathed a sigh of relief. And then I couldn’t stop thinking about her going to Sapph. No doubt she’d have people constantly coming up to her and hitting on her. Sophie told me that Jo didn’t really date because she was so focused on school. That was probably the only reason. She must turn everyone down all the time. It was probably exhausting.

Juniper got my attention and reminded me about our sleepover. Right.

I’d agreed to the sleepover tonight because tomorrow I was dropping her off with my parents for most of the weekend. They’d practically begged me and I couldn’t say no. My moms wanted to get in a ton of time with Juniper before Mama’s surgery. Juniper told me that she’d learn how to be a nurse and even got out her little doctor kit and had started asking me to watch medical videos. It had been hard to find ones that were kid friendly.

As much as I was going to miss Juniper, I was also going to get some work done and rest. Take a bath without worrying that anyone was going to barge in. Watch a TV show with nudity and cursing in it in the middle of the day. I was going to eat food without anyone else asking if they could have some. I was going to go at least twenty-four hours without having to tend to anyone’s needs but my own.

Complete luxury.

Juniper and I moved the coffee table out of the way and set up all the pillows and blankets we could on the floor to make a cozy nest. I made grilled cheese sandwiches and nuggets and veggies in the air fryer that we put on a huge plate and ate with lots of sauces to dip.

Juniper chose the first movie and then I chose the second. I didn’t have much to choose from until she got older and could watch some of the classic movies I had loved when I was younger. There were so many I wanted to show her that she wasn’t ready for yet.

She draped herself on top of me and yawned halfway through the second movie. I could tell she was definitely falling asleep, but that was okay. Her hair was still braided from the way Jo had done it, a few strands escaping.

I wondered if Jo was at Sapph now. If she was talking to someone pretty. If she was getting drinks bought for her. If she was turning people down who asked her to dance.

I pulled out my phone and sent a message to Sophie. I was shameless.

My daughter is passed out on top of me and she’s missing the masterpiece that is Shrek. How’s your night?

She didn’t respond for a few minutes and I started slowly sliding Juniper from my chest to the pillows so I could get up and pee.

Reid’s at Sapph and I guess I just go where Reid is now. I’ve become one of those people, Lare. I think I need you to smack me.

Oh. She was at Sapph. That meant she was probably with Jo. Was there a way to subtly ask if Jo was there?

Have a drink for me. Someday I’ll come out with you again.

I could go out to Sapph tomorrow night since I had babysitting, but I didn’t want to go by myself. Sophie would go with me, but I’d feel weird. No, my nights at bars were on hiatus until my daughter was older. Too many issues and complications.

Maybe I could go out somewhere else and have a drink though. That was an idea. Just take myself out to a nice restaurant and have a drink at the bar. When the hell was the last time I’d done that?

I could dress up. Put on a decent amount of makeup, not just enough so I didn’t look tired. Fix my hair. It would be nice if I had Jo’s skills to do something pretty, but I’d have to do it on my own.

I can come to you, anytime. I’ll bring drinks with me. Sophie sent. She would do that. Sophie was an amazing friend and I needed to spend more time with her. But she didn’t know that this weekend I was on my own. It was a secret and I didn’t want anyone to interfere with it. I just…didn’t want to talk to anyone. That sounded selfish but dammit, I was a single mom. I got to have selfish moments a few times a year and this was one of them.

You’re the best. Is it busy there? I was still desperately trying to figure out how to ask about Jo.

There’s live music tonight and it’s actually decent. Reid is surprisingly upbeat and it’s freaking me out. I’d say she was stoned if I didn’t know better.

Sounded like cutting back on her shifts had done wonders for Reid’s natural grumpiness. I personally couldn’t tell the difference, but I believed Sophie.

Hey, did you want to get brunch or something this weekend? You can bring Juniper. We’ll go to that place with the good kid’s menu. Sophie really was the sweetest.

I’d love to, but we’re with my moms all weekend. They’ve demanded we visit before Mama’s surgery.

It was a small lie and it made my stomach twist, but I wanted my weekend so badly. I needed it. If I told Sophie about it, I knew she’d understand, but I’d still feel like I was disappointing her in some way.

Got it. Well maybe I can drop into the bookshop next week? Need any help with anything?

That was a better plan. I could use her hand with a few things.

Deal. Let me know when you’re free.

Juniper mumbled something in her sleep, and I checked to make sure she wasn’t going to wake up.

I rearranged the pillows behind my back again and turned the volume down on the movie. I’d set my ereader close by, so I grabbed it and opened one of the Advanced Reader Copies that I’d gotten. Now that I was a bookseller, I had access to all kinds of things I didn’t as just a reader, and I had to admit I felt pretty spoiled. And also like someone was going to snatch it away from me at any moment. With that increased access also came pressure. What if I didn’t stock the right books? What if someone came in and when I didn’t have the right books, they decided to never come in again? So many of my fears were irrational, but they all boiled down to the fact that I was scared out of my mind to fail.

Crap. There I went again. Doom and gloom and disaster. Thoughts like that made me want to go back to my parents’ home and have them wrap me in a blanket on the couch and pet my hair and tell me that everything was going to work out.

If I called my moms up and asked them for that, they’d do it.

Instead, I looked over at my slumbering daughter and sighed.

Doom and gloom and disaster wasn’t going to get my bookshop off the ground.

If Gram saw me wallowing in negativity like this, she would have been ashamed of me.

“Buck up, lovely,” she’d always say when I was going through something. That could mean stubbing my toe or getting pregnant after a drunken hookup. Didn’t matter. Better buck up, lovely.

“Buck up, lovely,” I whispered to myself.

I was going to have to.

I also ended up lying to my parents and telling them I was catching up with my friends all weekend.

As soon as I got home, I just stood in the kitchen and listened to how quiet it was. Sure, I could hear a few sounds from the apartments around me, and street noise from outside, but other than that? Bliss. I didn’t know the last time I’d heard this kind of silence.

The first thing I did was to order my favorite meal for delivery and put on a thin tank top and shorts with no underwear. While I waited for my food to arrive, I applied a hair treatment that I’d been meaning to use for months and twisted my hair back into a clip.

On went the raunchy, trashy TV that I usually watched on my phone with my headphones on.

The food arrived and I absolutely stuffed my face with the best steak I’d ever had from a chain restaurant, mashed potatoes, and half of an appetizer sampler. The massive slice of cheesecake was in the fridge for later when I got into the tub and I intended to enjoy every single bite.

I put on some loud music and sang in the shower as I rinsed out the hair mask and then gave the tub a quick scrub before digging through the closet in my bedroom for the contraband bath bombs I had that I didn’t want my daughter to beg for.

The tub filled up and I sang to myself and slid in, grabbing my plate of cheesecake.

“Fuccckkkkkk,” I said as I savored the first bite. As a general rule, I’d tried to cut a lot of swearing out of my life so I didn’t do it too much in front of my daughter and then have her pick it up and repeat it to other people and then I had the kid with the potty mouth.

But for this time when Juni wasn’t here, I was also going to let myself swear as much as I wanted.

I got so relaxed in the tub that I almost fell asleep and managed to keep myself from doing that through sheer will alone.

While I didn’t want to waste my precious time with a nap, a short one couldn’t hurt, so I put some fresh sheets on the bed and climbed in, sighing with satisfaction.

My phone went off with a new message. I grabbed for it, hoping nothing was wrong with Juni.

Saw this and thought of Juniper . The message was accompanied by a picture of a children’s T-shirt with purple glittery stars on it.

Juniper would have absolutely loved it.

Where are you? I’m definitely going to have to get that for her. When it came to buying clothes, I had no impulse control when it came to Juniper while I would wear the same pair of sweatpants until there were too many holes in them.

What’s her size? She asked and I told her.

Don’t you dare buy it for her I responded. Jo couldn’t keep doing too much for us.

Sorry, too late. It’s in my cart now.

I growled and shook my head. Why did Jo doing things for Juniper bother me so much? For half a second I wanted to call her and tell her not to buy that shirt, but that would be an absurd thing to do.

I really did need that nap. I put my notifications on silent and set my phone aside. Jo and I could talk later. Nap now.