Chapter Forty-Five

Theo

Eighteen Years Earlier

“G ood, son. Just like that! Nice work!” Zio Dante’s voice is filled with encouragement as I make my way across the ice, having just shot the puck to where he is guarding the net. He sends the puck back in my direction with one smooth swish of his hockey stick, and my arms swing out as I shakily try to find my balance, just missing the puck as it slides past me, out of reach, on the smooth ice.

Unable to catch myself, I wince as I land hard on the frozen surface. It hurts to breathe where Papa hit me, and falling on the now solid lake has me wheezing in the cold air. My eyes sting, and I try so hard not to cry. Papa hates it when I cry. Zio skates over to where I am sitting on the ice, and startled at his sudden appearance, I flinch back, away from him. “I- I’m sorry.” Darn my shaky voice. Sniffling, I angrily swipe at my runny nose.

“Hey. . .” Zio Dante is so tall, so much taller when he is wearing his skates, and the sunshine on the cold lake makes his shadow seem so much bigger than me. I hope I can be big, brave, and strong like him someday.

Squatting down until he is at my level, I brace myself for his anger at my stupid mistake. I missed the puck. And then I fell. For that, I would easily earn the wrath of Papa’s belt, or his fist if I was really unlucky. No son of his could be such a clumsy fool. I am a Giovanni. I have to be strong. I have to be like Papa. . . even if I don’t want to.

“Come ‘ere little man, let me see. . .” My eyes are wide as Zio reaches out towards me, and I can’t help the whimper that escapes as his hand goes to my jacket. Zio just shakes his head, muttering words in Italian that I don’t fully understand; Ma said I wasn’t allowed to use those words.

His hands seem strong as he unzips my coat, before reaching for the edge of my shirt. “You’re not in trouble, buddy. I just need to take a look for a minute.” He doesn’t ask if I’m hurt. He already knows. He always knows when I’m hurt, but I never tell him. Papa made me swear not to.

I try to scoot away, but he glances at me. It’s like the look that Papa gives me sometimes, but not as scary. A warning to hold still. So, I do. I hold my breath, trying hard not to cry as Zio lifts my shirt and sees the purple and blue all over my stomach.

Papa was angry yesterday. He was mad at Mama, and when I started crying, he got mad at me too. Mama said I should have stayed quiet, but he was hurting her and it scared me. I know better than to talk back, or make a sound, but sometimes he gets so mean, and it scares me. Sometimes I can’t help it.

“Che cazzo!” Zio’s exclamation is soft but I still hear it. And I know what those words mean. Any time he sees what Papa did, he always seems to be saying it to me. The last time, he was so mad that he actually yelled at Papa. But Papa pulled out his gun, waving it around with his eyes all crazy, and Zio backed down. I tried to ask him about it later, but all he would tell me is that he didn’t want to make things worse for me and Mama.

I try to be brave now as Zio Dante studies the bruises. Brave like Mama tells me to be. The strong little leader that Papa says I am to become. I bite my lip to keep from trembling. I know Zio is not Papa. He has never hurt me before, but still, I have to fight to hold still as his fingers gently poke at the bruises around my ribs.

“Are- are you mad?” My voice is quiet, shaky, but I can’t stop myself from asking. I have never seen that look on Zio’s face before. For all the times that he has seen me and Mama after Papa has a bad day, I have never seen him look like this. I don’t know what to call it, but he looks really scary right now, but I don’t know what I did.

Zio just shakes his head, and says something that I can’t hear. When he smiles, it is not a happy smile, not the kind of smile he normally gives me. It is not a sad smile either. Sometimes, when he sees us after Papa’s bad days, he gives me this sort of sad smile and talks to me softly, he is always much nicer than Papa. But right now? His smile looks hard, somehow, almost like the ice we are sitting on.

Reaching out a hand, I flinch back but Zio just ruffles my hair. “I’m not mad, little man. You are a strong boy, so brave, and I know one day you are going to grow up to be such a good leader.” He gives me his sad smile now as he reaches to pull my shirt back down and zip my jacket once more. “I need you to keep being my brave little man for a little bit longer, yeah? I know things seem hard right now, but I promise you, one day I am going to fix this. I will make it right. And then you will become the man you were always meant to be. But for now, try to give your Papa some space, huh?”

“I- I do try Zio. I promise. I don’t mean to disrespect Papa. Honest.” I nod enthusiastically at my words as Zio reaches out a hand to help me back into a standing position.

“I know you don’t, son. Your Papa can be. . . difficult. . . to be around sometimes. He wants to make you into the strongest man you can be, he just has a very different idea about how it should be done than what other people might think.” Zio’s face looks scary again, it kinda reminds me of Papa’s right now. But I know Zio won’t hurt me, at least, I don’t think he will.

“Tell you what, little man. Why don’t we get some more practice in while the sun is still out, and then we can see about maybe staying for a short visit at your cousin’s house?”

Zio Dante is my only uncle, and his son Antonio lives really far away, but I know that’s not what he meant. Mi famiglia is very big, and most of the grown-ups work with Papa, but the only one close to me in age is Remedy. She’s not really my cousin, more like Mama’s cousin’s daughter or something like that, but out of all the children in mi famiglia, she is the closest to me in age.

Sometimes, when Papa is having a “mood,” Mama or Zio Dante will take me over to stay with Remedy and her parents for a little while. This is good. They are always nice to me. I like it there. Remedy is not gross like the other girls I know. She likes to play video games like me and will even play with me outside when it is sunny. All the other girls are boring. They just want to play house or with their silly dolls. Yes, I think I would like to go stay at Remedy’s. I nod.