Chapter 22

TWENTY-TWO

Idon’t know how long I’m out for. I vaguely remember waking as my father screamed for his surgeons, his doctors, everyone. I remember masked men running in, IVs, and sedation. After that? Nothing.

I’m in one of the side rooms now. The bed is uncomfortable, and my wrists are manacled to the bed. It’s dark bar the light through the gap in the door to the corridor, and I’m alone, the beeping of the machines attached to me the only sound filling the room.

My whole body, from chest to pelvis, feels raw and pulverised, but whatever drugs they have me on are keeping me a little numb to it for now.

I remember what I did. I even remember why, and suddenly, the ramifications of my actions take root in my brain. My eyes lock on the plain ceiling above me as my heart rate speeds up, the beeping growing louder as panic winds through my chest.

I ruined my body. I no doubt destroyed any chance of ever having kids.

Good, that means he can’t use me to hurt them. They will be safe. He will have to find another way. I protected many innocents from having to go through what I and the others experienced.

I can’t have kids.

I never thought I wanted to bring a child into such a fucked-up world and a fucked-up family, not to mention I would be a terrible mother. No, I was better going without, but as my hand covers my stomach, tears fall silently from my eyes, rolling into my hair as I bite back my pain. At least I had the choice, the chance, and as my eyes close, the images of tiny versions of Louis, Nico, Jonas, Dimitri, and Isaac fill my head, running around with a smile. It’s something I will never have.

Our world is crazy and dangerous, but it doesn’t stop the bone-deep longing from suddenly appearing because I will never be able to give them that now. I don’t regret my choice. I did it to save the child that would be born into a test tube, even if it meant my death, but it doesn’t stop the pain.

I seriously maimed my body and my future to save something worse from happening, and it hurts.

It fucking hurts.

Haven’t I given enough?

Haven’t I suffered enough?

When is it my turn to be happy?

How much more can I truly give?

Grief for a child I will never have now aches alongside the grief for the sister I lost, and I hold onto it as I sob silently, my body racked with pain. I thought I was so strong, and I thought I could handle anything, but for the first time, I don’t know if I can survive this.

I don’t know if I want to.

I’m so alone, so very alone, and so very tired of being covered in shit I can’t scrape off. I struggle to even breathe and open my eyes. I’m so very tired of being alive.

Is this how Bas felt?

It would hurt Dimitri and the others to lose another like that, but the thought to end this all is there. Almost selfishly, I realise I wouldn’t have to be around to see it.

I already planned not to make it out of this alive and to end this once and for all. Maybe it would be for the best because they wouldn’t know I didn’t try to make it out. They would only know I died stopping this, and that might make them hate me less.

I know I’m spiralling and going to a really dark place, but I can’t help myself.

I can’t pull myself out this time.

The door opens and my father stops above me, a scowl on his lips. “Well, I hope you are happy and got what you wanted. You will never be able to have kids, Nova. Do you know what you have done? You have ruined my research!” he hisses as he leans down. He wipes away my tears, and I flinch, knowing it wasn’t an act of comfort. He eyes them clinically and then smiles. “There are other ways to make you into what I need though, and now you have removed any barrier that meant I needed to keep you healthy.” He turns and leaves.

When the door shuts with a click, I allow myself to sink deeper into that dark hole.

I did it. I stopped him from getting my kids.

It doesn’t matter what happens to me.

That’s all that matters. They will never hurt innocents.

Only me.

I deserve it.

It’s good because it means they might finally kill me, and I will be free of this pain. This world is a shitty fucking place but for a moment, I had hope for a better life. I got a glimpse of happiness and love, only for it to be taken away, and I can’t keep pretending I will get it back.

Wherever the guys are, they are safe from him, and that’s good. They wouldn’t want me now anyway.

I’m not just broken this time.

I’m ruined beyond repair.