Chapter 12

TWELVE

The days pass in a cycle of pain and passing out. I don’t know if it’s night or day, and the rest I do get only occurs when my body gives in and I fade into the darkness. When I wake, I never feel better. My body is slowly breaking down, and every inch of me hurts.

This is so much worse than ever before, as if he knows he’s racing against a clock and needs to get what he can before it’s too late. Is my father worried? It’s the only thing I hold onto. He’s worried he’s not as safe as he thinks and that they will come for him.

My family.

They will come for me.

I don’t want them to, though, because all I want is revenge. I want to wring the life out of my father’s old, wrinkled body for what he took from me—my sister.

Even thinking of my sister has my eyes closing in pain. Doesn’t he see that no matter what he does now, he can never replicate that kind of pure horror and agony again? He took the only person in this world I have ever risked everything for and loved so completely. I’m a shell, existing in nothing but physical pain. I revel in it, however, because it’s better than the pain in my heart.

I don’t know what he expects to gain from this experiment, but I no longer care about the thought process of his sick mind.

All I care about is killing him and joining her once more.

I lie on the bed—maybe for the fifth time, but it’s hard to tell—and my body won’t move on command at the moment. It’s due to the sedative that is still in my system from the last test. I don’t know what they did, only that I fought them before the needle went into my vein and then it was lights out. When I woke up here, I had a new incision on my back and agony racing through my spine. I don’t bother asking since they won’t tell me. The scientists here are butchers, nothing more. I spotted other cells when I was dragged back here. They didn’t seem to be occupied, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t now or haven’t been in the past. Knowing them, this place, wherever it is, was or is full, and they are just running one giant experiment ring.

It’s clear all their attention is on me at the moment. My father thinks I hold the key to his successful research or some shit. It means I’m important, which means I get the brunt of his attention and experiments. I guess that’s something.

The door opens, and I don’t even bother looking up, knowing it will be the guards once more. They sent five to begin with, but now I’m too sluggish to even lift my head, so they only sent two. It’s insulting and pisses me off. I want them to be afraid of me. I want them to be scared.

They should be.

I’m going to rip every single person here to pieces and then burn it down with me inside.

Grabbing my arms, they drag me from the room. I don’t fight them, but I let my anger grow until it blinds me. I let it push away the numbness, exhaustion, and sleepiness in my body until I’m practically on fire with it. Now, they are dragging a loaded weapon without even realising it.

My father wants a weapon? He wants a soldier?

Then he got one.

It’s time to show him that. It’s time to make them all pay in any way I can.

I don’t even look where we are going, since I know it will be a lab of some sort. When I get inside, I see it’s not the operating lab, which means no sedative. That provides me with more opportunities to hurt them. They don’t even bother tying my wrists down, as if expecting me to be compliant. They band my shoulders, waist, and legs and, with sneering looks at me, they leave me there.

I wait and roll my eyes as I look around the room, mostly out of boredom and to stop my mind from wandering to anything else.

Boom.

I watch her fall again before squeezing my eyes shut and pushing the memory away. Torturing myself by watching my sister die over and over won’t help. I need to stay focused. I need to keep my mind sharp. I can’t give in, not yet.

And the guys . . .

I can’t even think of them. The last time I saw them haunts me even in my sleep. I love them more than I’ve ever loved anything apart from Annie. They gave me a family, they gave me a home and a purpose, and now I will never see them again. I tell myself it’s for the best because this is my problem to handle. I can keep them safe, and I can end this, even if it means I die.

They still have a future.

I just hope they understand that and let me go.

Focus, Nova.

I snap back to attention, scanning the room once more. The table I am on is metal and resembles every other one I have been tied down to. There is a computer on a desk to the left with files spread out across it. I’m too far away to see what they say, but they won’t help me anyway. There’s a surgical tray to the right filled with tools. It’s too far to reach for now, but I note the scalpels and scissors that could be useful. The wall before me is glass, and not much else exists here.

Pure white.

I can’t wait to see it splattered with blood.

Just then, the door opens, and a scientist in a lab coat comes bustling in. He doesn’t even look at me. His grey hair is combed back perfectly, and his bright-blue eyes are hidden behind thick-rimmed glasses. He’s fit, clearly in shape, and slightly smaller than me, but right now, he’s in charge and he knows it—not that he looks up from his tablet as he moves around the room, muttering to himself. My eyes track him like he’s prey, and when he stumbles and knocks into the tray, I almost smirk in victory. It spins closer to me, and he rubs at his hip as he moves to the computer. Keeping my eyes on him, I reach out as far as I can, my pinkie catching on the edge of the tray, and with gritted teeth, I pull it closer until I can reach the top and grab a tool. It happens to be a medium-sized scalpel, but I grip it tightly, sliding it up the inside of my arm to hide it as he lifts his head and frowns at me.

I simply raise my eyebrow as he stands, heading my way. “Shall we begin?” he asks formally, as if I have a choice in the matter. I want to say as much, but he’s already turning away again, so I take my shot. I swipe out, stabbing the scalpel into his middle. He falls back with a scream, blood gushing from the wound. His face is pale and sweaty as he stumbles around, shouting for help. The idiot yanks the scalpel out and blood spurts everywhere.

I guess I hit an artery.

Good.

Ripping the bindings from my body with the last of my strength, I grab the dying man and slam him into the glass as the alarm sounds. The door locks as the guards fight to try and get in. Grinning as my father appears, harried and confused, I slam the gurgling man into the glass. His blood splatters across it, and with my eyes on my father, I rip out the scientist’s throat before dropping him to the floor. I step back, covered in blood and gore, wearing a maniacal grin on my face.

“You are behaving like a feral animal!” Father yells as the alarm cuts off.

“That’s what I am,” I sneer. “You caged and tortured me, and you expect me to be civil? No!” I scream. “You wanted an animal? Now you’ve got one.”

Slamming my hand into the glass, I laugh when the guards jump, my bloodied handprint remaining behind like a promise. Laughing, I grab one of the bone saws when the door opens and the guards stream in.

I throw myself at them, fading into the anger and ignoring everything else, even the pain in my heart and body, as I hack and kill. They are trying to subdue me, but I’m trying to kill them. I see them drop, I hear their screams, and I feel their blood splatter me, but I still don’t stop.

Not even as I’m thrown onto the table once more and pinned down by five of them as I twist and laugh, seeing their shocked expressions above me.

I see a fist heading towards my face, along with their shock, their horror, and their dawning understanding.

They underestimated me.

They won’t ever make the same mistake again.

* * *

I pay for what I did. Father calls it conditioning, but I know the truth. It’s punishment. He’s angry he underestimated me and that I fought back instead of being the good little experiment he always wanted. He can never dull the spark of rebellion, but he sure tries. He keeps me awake for two days with drugs and pain until I’m delirious, but I still continue to laugh and struggle, even as they torture me until, finally, he gives the order and I’m tossed back into my room.

I lie where they threw me on the floor, and my laughter finally turns to tears. Curling around myself, I push through the agony and focus on my memories.

I’m back at the dining table with everyone laughing around me.

Annie is sitting on Sam’s lap, love in their eyes.

Bert is smiling at me.

Louis is holding my hand, and Nico is under me. I’m safe, and I’m warm. Dimitri winks at me, Jonas throws food, and Isaac watches me. I’m loved. I’m safe. I’m happy.

I lose myself in that memory, uncaring that my body is slowly wasting away. Let it, he can have it, but he can never have this. He can never take away the love and happiness I found in a short amount of time.

He can never have them.

They are mine, my secret, and the reason my mind doesn’t break.

In there, I am with them, and they are holding me tight and telling me they love me. I think of what our lives could have been like had it been different. We’d have a farm somewhere warm, with no more fog and rain in that manor. No, the sun would shine, and we would work the land. Our lives would be simple, but they would come home to me every day. We would live in the kitchen, dancing and singing. Bert would be there with us, making pancakes for Jonas. There would be horses and goats and maybe a dog or two. I’d never be in pain. I wouldn’t even know what that is. I’d be so loved, I would choke on it. Their bodies wouldn’t bear the scars of their past, and they wouldn’t know what it means to lose everything. They’d be happy.

That’s all a dream, but I hold onto it to get me through this.

To give me the strength I need to endure.

To survive and finish this.

Maybe they will get that farm one day, and maybe they will find peace. I’ll make sure of it.

I’ll make sure, even though I won’t be there, that Dimitri won’t have to stare at the screen anymore. I’ll make sure that Isaac never has to worry about not being okay, that Jonas gets the passion and room he needs, that Nico finds peace, and that Louis is finally unburdened.

I’ll make sure of it. I have to.

Even if I burn in the ashes of what I desire, I’ll do it for them.

I know I can do this. I can do anything—anything but go home to them.

I stay inside my dream. It’s the only time I will be home with them ever again.