Chapter Twenty-Five

Monday mornings sucked. This one was the worst ever.

Blue glared at Evan from a corner of his bed in the FBI office. Someone might as well have drawn frown lines on his dog's face. The sulking, accusatory look said it all. Blue thought he'd fucked up. He had, but he'd said and done what was necessary.

So why did he feel so hollow inside?

True to her word, the moment Brett and Gemma brought Noah home Saturday night, Marlie called a car service, but his friends had insisted on driving her and Noah to Tish's house. Ten minutes later, they were gone. He and Blue had watched them leave, staring after them from the front stoop like lovesick puppies. Then Blue had given him the same look he was giving Evan now. He didn't know a dog could look so pissed.

For the first time since he'd bought the place, the house seemed empty. Things were back to the way they'd been before, only now he didn't want that. He wanted… He didn't know what he wanted.

He pounded his fist on the desk, because he was lying to himself. He'd gotten a brief glimpse and a little taste of what he could have had. A family.

Wind buffeted the window. Outside, the sky was gray. Cold weather and light snow were forecast for northern Colorado and southern Wyoming. He glanced at his laptop. Seven a.m. He'd been in since five, reviewing all the reports the teams had written up. So far, nothing added to the probable cause he needed for a warrant. Everything hinged on the flyover.

Footsteps sounded outside his office, along with the scrabbling of claws. Blue leaped to his feet with a snort.

A smiling, furry white face appeared in Evan's open doorway. Crystal.

"Hey, Evan." Sammy unhooked Crystal's leash.

Blue and Crystal touched noses, their tails wagging furiously. Blue arched his back, lifting his head high as he did his strutting thing.

Sammy sighed. "Still in love, I see."

"No takers yet?" he asked, surprised no one had adopted Crystal.

"Not yet." She sat on the edge of Evan's desk. "I'm sure someone will. I'll be sad to see her go. From the looks of things, so will Blue."

Somehow, both dogs had managed to squeeze onto Blue's bed, snuggling and canoodling like a couple of teenagers.

Sammy laughed, then lowered her voice. "She's off those meds I've been giving her, but I haven't told the boss yet. Once he finds out, he won't let me bring her into the office anymore. But I don't have the heart to separate her and Blue, not when they look so happy. Okay if I leave her here with you for a while?"

"No problem. I'll be here for a couple more hours."

"Thanks."

Blue sighed and closed his eyes, looking thoroughly content. Was it possible to be jealous of a dog?

"Morning, sunshine." Brett hitched his shoulder on the doorjamb. "You look like crap."

"Feel like it." Inside and out. Mostly inside. As much as he wanted to ask how Marlie and Noah were, he didn't. After dropping them at Tish's, Brett had reported back, confirming Tish's house was in a gated community with a security company manning the entrance and a top-notch security system at the house.

Brett pushed from the door and sat in a chair. "They're fine. In case you were wondering."

"I—" Was . He shoved a hand through his hair. No sense lying. Brett and Deck knew him better than anyone.

"She was pretty upset, though," Brett added, stretching out his legs. "Not that she cried. She's too strong a woman for that, but it was obvious some heavy shit went down between you guys. Even Noah picked up on it. He's a smart kid. He spent half the drive asking why you kicked him and Marlie out. He's pretty protective of her, said he wanted to punch your lights out for making her so upset."

Evan grunted. He deserved to get punched.

"If Noah doesn't, he may have to stand in line. Behind me ." Brett crossed his arms. "You're being a jackass, you know that? This is the first woman you've had real feelings for since I've known you, and that's a pretty long time. I know you're on a quest to find your sister, but at this point, you have to know that probably won't happen."

"Yeah. I know." Even with the connection between his sister and the camp, the chances of finding her alive after all this time were probably zip. Hearing his friend say it rammed home the truth he'd been denying. "You know, we never gave her a headstone. My parents thought it would be an admission she was really dead."

Maybe it was finally time to do that, so he and his folks could have a place to visit her in spirit, even if her body wasn't there. Maybe it would help them all move on and start living again. That, and finally acknowledging another truth.

He wasn't to blame for Gracie running away. She'd done that all on her own. Marlie had helped him to see it. Now all he wanted was to get off that gerbil wheel.

He saw the tight bonds between his friends and the women they loved and was envious. He wanted that, too, and he'd blown it. "I really fucked things up."

"Yeah, you did," Brett said. "It's not too late to fix it."

"True that." But he still had to follow this last lead to wherever it took him. He'd finish this case, then maybe he'd look into a transfer to another unit.

Tony Wong rapped on the door. "We pulled a lot of prints off that tub of marijuana you confiscated at the farmers market, probably from at least four different people. We got a hit on one of the prints." He handed Evan a sheet of paper. "It's from an old Red Notice for a guy named Bram Ackerman."

"Doesn't ring a bell." The first thing that struck him as odd was the date of the report. "You weren't kidding. This Notice is old. Ackerman's been in the wind for twenty-six years." Which probably meant John wasn't Bram Ackerman. The guy he'd chased wasn't old enough. He scanned the rest of the report. "There's no arrest photo, and it doesn't even say what he was convicted of."

Tony nodded. "INTERPOL systems have gone through a lot of changes over the years. I have a request in for the guy's full jacket. The second I get it it'll be in your inbox."

"Thanks, Tony." Evan picked up his phone and punched in Sammy's extension.

"Is Crystal misbehaving?" she asked.

Crystal play-pawed Blue's nose. "Nope. She's a perfect lady. Can you run a full background search on a Bram Ackerman? You may have to go way back, at least twenty-six years."

"You got it."

Evan set the phone back in its cradle. Who knew how long it would take to get anything from INTERPOL, especially on a case that old. It probably wouldn't amount to anything, but… Leave no stone unturned .

Another gust rocked the window. The sky had darkened, and a few snowflakes danced in the air. "I gotta get going."

"You gonna call her?" Brett asked.

He stuffed the camera he'd checked out of the equipment room into a backpack with more force than necessary. "Back off."

"Just saying." Brett threw his hands in the air. "My gut tells me you're making a mistake."

He yanked the pack's zipper closed. "I know." But the wheels had already been set in motion. "Blue, with me."

Reluctantly, Blue got to his feet, touched noses with Crystal like he was kissing her goodbye. He didn't have the heart to tell him once Crystal was adopted, he'd never see her again.

"Deck and I are following up on Noah's friend, Caleb Rogers," Brett said as Evan rounded the desk. "His foster parents live in Fort Collins, so we'll be close by. Call if you need anything."

"Thanks, man."

What he needed he could never have.

When he was only twelve, he'd lost someone he cared about deeply. Now he didn't know which was worse: the pain of not knowing where that person was…

Or of knowing exactly where they were and never being able to see or touch them again.

…

Marlie knocked on the door. "Time to get ready for school."

Luckily, Tish's house was a short walk to Noah's school, so she didn't need a car. Until he was safe, her truck was still off-limits. After dropping him off, she'd hitch a ride with Tish to the hospital. Getting no response, she rapped harder, then opened the door. "Noah!"

He sat cross-legged on the bed with her laptop on his thighs. He tapped a few keys, then snapped the lid shut.

She sighed. Too soon, he was becoming a teenager. She would have liked to experience more childhood with him. Childhood she'd missed with Aiden. "You need to get dressed, or we'll be late." She took the laptop and set it on the nightstand. Last night, he'd stayed up seriously past his bedtime researching baseball stats. Or so he'd said .

Though she hadn't approached the subject with him yet, impending parenthood made her think it wise to check his browser history. These days, parental controls were a must. Somehow, she had to scrounge up the money to buy him his own laptop soon.

She sat on the edge of the bed, taking in the disheveled state of his hair and pushing a few wayward strands from his face. A haircut was also in order. "There's something I want to talk to you about."

His eyes brightened. "Is Evan finally going to get Caleb?"

"I don't know, but I'm sure he will soon." For all their sakes, she hoped the flyover proved fruitful enough for him to get the warrant he needed.

Noah's shoulders slumped. "What's taking so long? Why can't he just go in there?"

"He can't do that. It would be trespassing. There are all kinds of laws protecting people's privacy. He needs more proof that Caleb is actually there. You have to be patient."

"Okay." He stared longingly at the laptop. "But why did Evan kick us out? He doesn't want us anymore, does he?"

"Oh, honey. That isn't true." She clasped his hand. Noah had been left alone when his mother died, then treated terribly by his foster parents. It was no wonder this was such a sore spot. She had to do everything in her power to keep these feelings of abandonment from becoming a devastating insecurity that would follow him into his adult life.

"He didn't kick us out." To emphasize the point, she squeezed his hand. "It's not that he doesn't want you." He just didn't want her . No matter how many times she acknowledged it, the stab to her heart was worse than a swarm of stinging bees. "It was time for us to be in our own space." The one-bedroom apartment she'd been living in was fine for the two of them on a temporary basis. If she really went through with adoption proceedings, she'd need to find them a bigger place as soon as the threat to Noah was gone. Paying that kind of rent would be an issue.

He tugged his hand away and crossed his arms over his chest. "But I liked it there. I liked Blue."

"I know you did, and Blue liked you, too." Someday, she'd have to get him a dog. "We'll talk more about it when you get home from school. Right now, I want to talk about something else." Here goes . "How would you feel about living with me permanently? I'd have to start adoption proceedings, and that could take a while, but—"

Noah threw his arms around her and squeezed so tightly she could barely breathe.

"Is that a ‘yes?'" she asked, laughing.

He pulled away and looked at her with such joy her heart actually seemed to swell. "Can Caleb live with us, too? He doesn't have a real family, either. You'd like him. I swear you would."

"Uh…" She hadn't seen that coming, and there was no way she could afford to adopt two boys. Taking care of Noah would be financially difficult as it was, but she was committed to him, heart and soul. "Honestly, I don't have enough money to do that." He pulled farther away, settling back against the headboard. "But," she added quickly, "as soon as Evan locates him, I'll do everything in my power to make sure he finds a nice family to live with. Okay?"

He nodded glumly. "Okay."

"Now, get dressed."

Back in the kitchen, she sank heavily on a chair.

"You look like you need this." Tish handed her a cup of coffee. "Everything okay?"

She nodded. The smile she gave her friend was genuine but fleeting. "I just asked if he'd be okay with me adopting him. He said yes."

"That's wonderful!" Tish leaned over to hug her, then sat back, frowning. "Why don't you seem happier about it?"

"It's nothing really." Her friend was doing enough by putting her and Noah up for a while. As close as they were, she didn't want to burden her with anything else.

"I know you well enough to know that's bull." Tish hmph ed, then narrowed her eyes. "This wouldn't have anything to do with that hunky FBI agent, would it? Evan McGarry?"

Not wanting to relive everything that had passed between them, Marlie took a sip of coffee and swallowed.

"You were living with him," Tish pressed. "Did something happen between you two?"

She set the mug on the table and let her head fall into her hands, nodding. "Yes. It just wasn't meant to last."

Tish drummed her fingers on the table. "Maybe not. A lot of relationships don't last. That doesn't mean they weren't worth experiencing. Maybe this was something you needed to jumpstart your heart again, show you that you not only have it in you to love again, but that you want to love again, and be loved. I'm not just talking about Noah. He calls to your maternal instincts. Maybe Evan called to your womanly instincts."

"I know." She lifted her head, nodding and knowing it was true. "I'd hoped for more, but he didn't have it in him to give."

"I'm sorry. He seemed like a good guy."

"He is." Evan was definitely one of the good guys. Just not for me .

"I have other news you might be interested in." Tish bobbed her brows. "Dr. Lurch no longer works at North Metro."

"Strobie? Really?"

"Really." Tish nodded emphatically. "Which means that position is open again. I can get you an interview this afternoon. Interested?"

She stared into her coffee. When that spot had opened up two years ago, she hadn't been ready. Volunteering at the Foundation was one thing, and she hadn't even sent her application forms in yet, but this was a whole different ballgame. Was she ready to play again?

If she really adopted Noah, she'd need more money. A hospital shrink salary paid significantly more than a custodian's. "I'll take you up on that interview. Thank you."

"I was hoping you'd say that." Tish gave her a knowing grin. "You'll do great."

Marlie sipped her coffee. She was doing great. Partly, anyway.

Her decision to adopt Noah was the first step. Dipping her toes back into psychology waters was the second. There was still an integral piece of her life that was missing.

Evan .

A part of her was incomplete without him. And always would be.