10. Chapter 10

I should have been prepared for that question , I scolded myself, yet it had still been enough to bring all the suppressed anger and resentment I harbored toward the humans back to the forefront of my mind.

What are you doing? This is madness, I rebuked myself even more with the very same words my advisors and Bzun-Lhan had used. That they had been in agreement on this should have given me reason to rethink my path. Instead, it had only served to strengthen my decision.

Now that the plan was in motion, I began to waver. How could I mate a human gallis, promise to protect and see to her needs, with my heart still filled with hate for her kind? How could I expect my subjects to accept one as their khadahrshi ?

I rubbed my fist over my forehead, pausing my steps. Had I made a mistake? Had my advisors and brother been right?

I took a deep breath and stared up into the night sky. Myriads of stars twinkled down at me. Far in the east, I could see the shimmering lights of Koranae, which Matt called a nebula. It didn't matter to me what the humans called it; the Koranae had been with my people for thousands of years—it was the place we believed our spirits went after our death. Koranae glimmered in many different colors; the shape ever-changing, as if the spirits were dancing. I had wondered many times if my mother, sister, and Illug were among those spirits, or if their souls were still buried inside the cave like the priests believed. Souls whose bodies hadn't been returned to Vandruk's soil to pay back Vorag's gift of life and to nourish our planet were bound to Vandruk. But it wasn't their fault, or ours, their bodies were falling apart inside a cave where they couldn't serve Vandruk.

I wiped my eyes and tried to breathe through the weight of guilt sitting on my chest. Guilt over my inability to bring my loved ones home to set their souls free.

"Give me guidance," I begged, staring up at the majestic display, mesmerized as the colors swirled. I wished with all my might that I was with them now and not here, making decisions that would impact Vandruk forever.

Just kill them all; get it over with , a dark part inside me suggested. It would be easy. Even the guards wouldn't pose much of a threat. Once they are dead, it will be as if it never happened. The other khadahrs will revere you for avenging our gallies, the dark part continued to tempt me.

I pressed my fingers into my closed eyes and massaged the tired lids.

They came willingly; they trusted you. This voice sounded so much like Tilliah, my dead sister, that I opened my eyes and turned in a circle. "Tilliah?"

I felt like a fool, calling out the name of a dead gallis whose spirit was either thousands of miles up there, unreachable, or trapped inside the Rodruk Mountains for eternity. A new rush of guilt knotted my stomach at the thoughts of the cave.

It wasn't as if we hadn't tried to open it. We had. For a long time, even after we were certain that they were dead of thirst and hunger, if they hadn't died of asphyxiation before that. The rocks, however, were impenetrable. The priests blessed the site and made it a place of holy pilgrimage, where Vandruks could travel to absolve themselves of guilt, shame, or trespasses. Or a place where they simply went to pray for the spirits of the fallen to be taken to Koranae to dwell with their ancestors. A hope we all shared and held dear.

The sound of a rock hitting another as if kicked startled me, and I looked up. My hand reached for my bone sword, ready to strike whoever dared to interrupt my meditation. In the darkness, it was hard to make out who it was, but black hair framed a small shape, and something coiled inside me until I realized it wasn't the gallis I wanted to see.

"Go back to the others," I advised, weary to my very bones .

"I beg your pardon, but I thought you might need some company. You looked… tortured when you left. Is there something I can do to ease your burden?"

Sandra stepped fully into the light of our moon. She was a beautiful gallis. Even now, she displayed all the attributes of a good khadahrshi. She had followed me to inquire about my state of mind as any good mate would. She was soft-spoken and agreeable, offering to ease my mind. Yet, she wasn't the one I wanted to see.

"You must be tired and weary." She soothed in a low, seductive voice. "I can make you feel better." With that, she sank to her knees in front of me, her hands reaching for my breeches.

To say I wasn't tempted would be a lie. I was. Very. Before the khadahr trials, my father had taken me to one of the pleasure houses before they stopped existing after the darkest day in our history. There, I was taught the art of pleasing a gallis and learned the pleasures of making love.

My heart constricted at the memory of how happy I had been, how much I had burned to show off my new skills to my mate. Illug had been name- and faceless then. Still, I wanted to make whoever I chose as my khadahrshi as happy as possible.

It had been the highlight of my life. Being touched by a gallis and touching her in return had been an experience without comparison. An experience I had lived without for ten years.

The memory of that moment enveloped me as Sandra's fingers closed around the bindings of my breeches. But there had also been another sensation that day, one I had forgotten about. The feeling of wrongness. Of doing what I was doing with the wrong person. And that feeling returned a hundredfold.

"Nek." I took Sandra's hands and raised her to her feet. "Nek." I shook my head. "Go back to the others."

She looked confused. "Don't you want me?"

I stared at her, and her face merged with Gwyn's. I sighed. "Go back."

Instead, she stepped into me, her hand lifted to stroke my face. "I can make you feel so good," she purred.

I took her hand off my face and moved back few paces . "Go," I ordered in a harsher tone, one that was unmistakable.

Her face fell, and her eyes shone liquidly in the moonlight. Some of the liquid spilled over and ran down her face. Her full lips trembled. "I don't… understa-and," she mumbled in a weak voice.

I remembered Matt crying once. He had explained they were tears and that humans cried when they experienced sadness. Just like when Matt had cried, I was startled by Sandra's display, and I thought it strange to give one's emotions up so easily.

It was a strange concept indeed. One that made me wonder if I would have felt any kind of release had I been able to pour water from my eyes. Mostly, though, it irritated me. Humans were weak enough; they didn't need to show more of it plainly like this.

Matt had also added that when someone cried, it was expected to embrace them and to hold them, pat them on the back and say things like, T here , there , or, I t'll get better, I promise . Remembering that, I awkwardly embraced the gallis, and with a soft cry, she buried her face into my chest. Her arms moved around me like vises.

"There, there," I said uncomfortably, thinking myself a fool. "I didn't mean to hurt your… feelings." That one was a bit harder, and I ground my teeth. Vandruks didn't apologize for hurting someone's feelings , ever. If our feelings got hurt , we would make that unmistakably clear to the offender and beat him to the ground.

I realized this wasn't an option for Sandra, but I had most likely hurt my sister's feelings more often than I realized because she beat me on many occasions, not caring that I wasn't allowed to fight back. I would have never fought back because I was so much stronger than her.

And now I was comforting one of her murderers. I looked up at Koranae and wondered if Tilliah could see me now and what she would think about this.