Chapter 18

Lightning crashes before the deluge

"He wants to be my Daddy," Haven blurted the moment River rejoined him in the living room and laid a cold compress over his blackened eyes.

When Haven had first gotten a look at them, he'd been furious and ready to storm after Maddox and cuss him out until he'd exhausted his impressive collection of curse words. Once River had fully described what had taken place, there was little Haven could do but chalk it up to an unfortunate accident, especially when River reminded him about the frisbee Haven had sent spinning at him with such force that it had knocked out one of River's teeth when he'd failed to catch it. Haven remembered crying almost as hard as River had when he'd seen the damage he'd caused and only hoped Maddox felt half as bad about the whole door thing.

River groaned and fumbled to find the container of gummies until Haven took pity on him and placed them in his hand. "Dude, that's a good thing, so what are you sitting here stressing about?"

"I don't know," Haven admitted. "It was so honest and adult just talking about what we wanted instead of hinting around it and being pissy when I didn't get what I was after…"

"And you don't know what to do with it because you've never had an adult relationship," River finished for him.

"I cannot believe I'm sitting here asking my younger brother for advice on whatever the fuck this is supposed to be," Haven grumbled.

"A relationship."

"Yeah? Yeah, I guess it is. He's got plans for us to fill out some kind of kinky questioner together. I don't even know what to expect after some of the things he mentioned as hard limits."

"Oh my god, you lucky bastard," River grumbled. "It sounds like he's the real deal and wants to make sure you're on the same page before you go trying to be comfortable with something you're not sure you fully understand yet."

"Because I understand hooking up and fucking," Haven explained. "And maybe a few things Jeremy and I saw when we were watching videos, sort of, but that's all."

"But when he said that you'd never want anyone else's hands on you after his, you didn't know what to do with it."

"Pretty much."

"Like I said, you need to talk to him."

"And say what?" Haven asked, squirming around as he reached for one of the joints he'd rolled.

They weren't nearly as nice as the blunts River typically rolled for him, but with his eyes as swollen as they were, he hadn't been up to the task.

"Say whatever the fuck you wanna say just quit stressin' about it so hard. He's into you. Trust me, after the conversation I had with him this afternoon he'd like it very much if you'd just spread yourself out on the hood of whatever vehicle you're working on and let him have his wicked way with you."

"Fuck, I do not need an image like that in my head right now."

"Why not? You want him, he wants you, you haven't been laid in at least six years, I'm guessing, unless you hooked up with Grayson, which you'd probably have told me about since you never could keep that shit a secret," River said. "So, give in already. Life is too long to wait around wanting for things. Grab the bull by the dick and ride it for fuck's sake, then please share all the juicy details so I can live vicariously though you, ‘cause this dry spell I've been in is killing me."

"Wait a minute. How are you gonna preach about jumpin' on that cock and then not be doing it at every opportunity?"

"Because I have exhausted the opportunities in this town, and you just landed the first single gay guy to show up here in forever."

"Sorry."

"No you're not."

"True, but I was hoping to make you feel better."

"Just promise you'll cash in that raincheck and not make me regret not trying to snag him for myself."

"He's too growly for you," Haven pointed out. "Grumpy too. He'd piss you off the moment he opened his mouth, but holy shit can he fuckin' kiss."

"Hey, I'm always good with rage sex."

"Be good with it with someone else," Haven declared shooting his brother a look that was completely lost on him, since he couldn't see anything with the washcloth on his face. "I fully intend to march up to him the next time I see him and tell him: you know that raincheck I asked for, well it's about to start pouring."

"Just remember that people are gonna talk if they see you with an older guy like that," River murmured. "Thought they would really lose their shit if he was a full-on silver fox. Hell, I'd fight you for him if he was all silver and sexy."

"And I'd kick your ass and leave you with more bruises than the black eyes he gave you."

"Asshole."

River chuckled a little, then moved the cloth aside enough that Haven could see one raised pink eyebrow. "So, do you plan on rolling up on him even if he's in a room full of people, ‘cause that might get the tongues wagging so fast they'll start throwing sparks?"

"I'm not you," Haven admitted. "I'd never have the balls to do something like that."

"I don't know, you can be a bold sonofabitch when you wanna be."

"And look at where it landed me more times than not."

"True, but at least you've got some interesting stories to tell from some of those experiences," River pointed out. "Like the time you got up on the table in the cafeteria and sung Wonderwall just so Billy Tesauro would go with you to the Fall Fling."

"God he was hot," Haven muttered, thinking back on his old crush.

"And he knew it too. He was a self-centered asshole who was nowhere near good enough for you or have you forgotten just how you spent that dance?"

"Dude, that was the best Pineapple Express I've ever smoked, I'll never forget it."

"And now you're being deliberately obtuse," River grumbled, waving a sour gummi worm at him. "I wasn't talking about what we smoked, and you know it. I was talking about him hooking up with Joshua Walker twelve seconds after you guys got there and never dancing a single dance with you."

"Meh, did you see him dance? Half the time it looked like he was being electrocuted and when he tried to pull off that spin he kneed Billy in the junk."

River snickered then dissolved into giggles and nearly choked on the worm he'd shoved in his mouth.

"I forgot about that," River declared in between gasps and fits of coughing.

"I bet Billy didn't."

They both laughed at that, but a few minutes later, as he was blowing smoke rings at the ceiling, Haven had another thought. "What if we fill out the questioner and there's nothing we're compatible on?"

"Then you'll know, and you can decide where to go from there without any confusion between you."

"God this is stupid."

"Why?"

"Because I feel like I'm back in high school and just found a letter from my crush stuffed in my locker."

"One with just words, or one with an obscene comic strip drawn across the bottom?"

Haven snickered at the memory of some of the ones Jeremey used to draw. To call them pornographic would be an understatement. The morning Ms. Bryant had confiscated a note Jemery had accidentally dropped beside Haven's desk instead of on it, they'd all turned so red that it had been impossible to meet her eye for the rest of the year.

"Does it matter?" Haven finally grumbled.

"Just wondering if all of this doubt is because of Maddox or because you ran into Jeremy the other night?"

River lowered the cloth and for a moment the brothers just stared across the coffee table at one another, a couple pre-rolls, three containers of CBD gummies and an assortment of THC shooters stretched out on the surface between them. Talk about product testing, Haven had to agree that it was one of the best perks of the job.

"There was never anything between me and Jeremy but friendship, fooling around, and a shared hatred of Mrs. Steins consumer mathematics class."

"There's an old box of drawings on the shelf of your closet that say differently."

"What were you doing going through my things?"

"Wasn't going through anything," River protested. "I was attempting to move them while weaving around our niece and the lid pop off."

"Yeah, I guess lids can be jumpy that way."

When River narrowed his eyes at him, Haven just shrugged.

"Your sarcasm is noted," River muttered before dropping the cloth back into place over his puffy skin. "And okay, there may have been some Legos involved."

"Stepped on one, didn't you?"

"Barefoot! Oh my god! It was awful!" River declared, waving around another gummi worm and sprinkling sour sugar everywhere. "The bottom of my foot had a purple imprint of one of those eight circle blocks that lasted for almost a week. I don't know how the hell Meadow manages to get anything done with randomly placed landmines all around the house. If it's not Legos, it's a toy car or a pokè ball. I swear I check to make sure my insurance policy is paid up every time I go over ‘cause I never know what's gonna happen."

Chuckling, Haven just shook his head at his brother. "You sound an awful lot like Mr. Whippleman when he'd yell at us to keep our toys off his lawn."

"I do not."

"Dude."

"Mr. Whippleman was like, a hundred years old."

"And you sound like a hundred-year-old man worried about breaking his hip."

"The hip part I can agree with," River said. "But Mr. Whippleman sounded like he gargled with razor blades."

"Yeah, he had the perfect voice for Halloween."

"No shit. He was the creepiest crypt keeper to ever work the haunted house."

"True, even if all he said every year was the same thing he was forever saying to us."

"Stay offa my lawn you little rugrats!" They chorused together.

Haven snatched up one of the shooters and studied it for a moment before waving it at his brother. "Is this supposed to be candy or alcohol?"

Shrugging, River moved the cloth so he could pick one up and study the label before unwrapping it. "Pretty sure it's supposed to be a mix of both, but I can't see for shit right now."

It looked like the base of a syringe, all plastic with a colorful green liquid inside that oozed like sludgy slime when he tipped it sideways. It reminded him of his favorite sour candy, so instead of squirting the first taste on his tongue, he just opened his mouth and pressed the plunger, dispensing a burst of flavor into his mouth that soon had his eyes watering. Lips puckering, he couldn't decide if he wanted to swallow, cry, or try to spit out the sour mix of alcohol and candy. Across from him, River was making all kinds of faces before he finally swallowed and nearly knocked his drink over as he lunged for it. The need to breathe finally forced Haven to swallow the mouthful he had, and gasping, he sunk back in his chair while his tongue tingled, and the inside of his mouth went numb.

"Lime is super intense!" Haven declared as he licked the flavor from his lips. "Holy shit. My mouth wanted to turn itself inside out to get away from the sour."

"If you think that was sour, you have got to try the watermelon one, oh my god. I think I found my new favorite party game."

"Really?" Haven asked. "You gonna drop ‘em in a candy dish, sit back, and watch what happens when people decide to try them?"

"Pretty much," River admitted. "Gonna label that bowl fuck around and find out ."

"Give me that fuckin' watermelon."

River tossed him a watermelon, which meant it sailed past Haven, who had to go retrieve it while River selected the lime, leaving the last flavor on the table like a flashing warning sign they'd both avoided like the plague. The blue raspberry was an electric shade of neon aqua; a shade Haven was dying to have Tyler dye his hair sometime. With a few streaks of shocking violet streaked through it, it was bound to look amazing, especially when the black lights in his room hit it.

"Holy shit," Haven gasped after he'd processed the sheer sourness that was the Wacky Watermelon. "My mouth hates me, but my soul thinks it's awesome."

"You've still got a way of putting things that's different from anyone else," River said. "Do you still write poetry the way you used to?"

"I did, on the inside, almost every day," Haven admitted. "I don't know if it was because I didn't want to forget any of the things I witnessed, or because I was trying to make something beautiful out of all the cruelty and hate, but I couldn't go to bed at night if I didn't get some words written. I haven't written anything since I've been home though, not much going on in the shop to really inspire me."

"Then you should leave the shop more, go down to Books, Beans and Buns and find something new to read," River suggested. "Didn't you tell me that you finished the 2Fish book the other night?

"Yeah, it was awesome, and that day Maddox took me for a ride, there were all kinds of words spinning through my head. I just couldn't put them all together after we got back. Everything was too mellow, and my body felt like mush. Wind therapy is real man. It's seriously better than any strain I've ever smoked and that's saying something. The only thing that would have made the evening better was if he'd stuck around and fucked me through the mattress then stayed until the sun came up."

"Did you tell him that?"

Haven shook his head, then remembered that his brother couldn't see him. "No."

"That's why you didn't get what you wanted," River said. "Daddies need to hear from their boys what they need. It's not about playing guessing games. A real Daddy is going to take his cues from you so he can give you what you need. One of the biggest things a Daddy gets out of the exchange is seeing his boy happy. It shows him that he's a good caretaker and is seeing to your needs.

"How do you know so much about it?"

"I've been looking for the same thing, only I keep winding up with pretenders and duds who say they are Daddies but don't know the meaning of the word."

Haven sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Why do I suddenly feel the urge to apologize."

"For what?"

"Being the one to catch Maddox's attention."

River moved the cloth again and sat up a little. "That's the last thing you ever need to apologize for, bro. After everything you've been through, you deserve someone who's going to be good for you and make sure you're happy, since you won't look out for yourself. Maybe I need to tell him about your poetry. You always had a way with words."

"Only ‘cause poems don't have to be anything but feeling and wishes."

"Don't forget dreams."

"Yeah, and for the record, I've already told him about loving poetry and writing a little bit."

"Uh-huh, I love how you downgrade them to little when you've got a crate of notebooks in your room. Seriously. I know you hated having anyone read them, but I loved when you'd share them with me," River said. "That one about the night without stars, that was all kinds of dark and twisted and beautiful. I wish I remembered how it went. I've always wanted to make a clay piece based off it."

Smiling, Haven went to his room and retrieved the notebook with the poem River had asked about. He'd gotten better at sharing his work over the years. Gray had liked hearing him read poetry too and said that sometimes it was the only way he could fall sleep instead of laying in the bunk playing the what if game and berating himself for all his poor choices. Getting settled in the seat again, Haven decided to down that blue raspberry shooter first, the sour almost mind-blowing. His tongue didn't want to cooperate after that, so he fumbled over the first few words until his voice got steady.

"He rises from the dust

Like mist

oozing between the cracks in the cobblestones

luminous wraith

silver, shimmering light

Like rain and moonbeams on silken threads

Refracting the sun

Reforming

He glides

over puddles and gutter water, spilled beer

Draped in spider's webs,

a beggar's cloak,

chain wrapped boots jingle-jangle in the night

Echo off pavement

Drifting on ice and wind

Taking shape, old colors

Twilight

Blue-black perfection of ankle length hair

marred by swirling colors

A kaleidoscope of neon lights

As he sways on music coaxed from a saxophone

Gentle blues in a harsh city night

He wanders, a ghostly silhouette

In a smoky room

Anchored to stone and soil

Treacherous flesh rotting beneath worm filled mud

Wriggling in the thralls of decomposition

Yet he is here, dancing in the strobe lights

On a night without stars."

"Yeah, see, that is everything right there. Dancing in the strobe lights on a night without stars , that's the vibe I wanna capture."

"You will."

"Maybe. But I bet I fail a bunch of times before I can do it justice."

"Isn't that half the fun?"

"Sometimes, and sometimes I just want to get to the good parts and leave all the growing pains behind."

"Don't we all, little brother, don't we all."