15. Sunder

fifteen

Sunder

As the sun slowly creeps above the horizon, we search for a hidden spot to hunker down for the next twelve hours, careful not to be seen by any passing wanderers. The trees provide ample shade and cover, their leaves rustling gently in the morning breeze. As we settle into our new hiding spot, the chirping of birds and the rustle of animals in the underbrush fill the air. It is like stepping into a secret haven, away from the chaos of the world outside.

This marks the fourth day since the Second stole Mira from us.

I shudder to think what he can do in four days and how much longer it will take us to recover her.

"What do you think Mira's doing?" the Third whispers sadly as he settles onto his back on a thick pile of fallen leaves. There's no fire, despite the chill in the air. I don't want to risk being seen. Those wanted posters derailed our search and rescue plans.

The softness in his voice pulls at something inside me, but I push it down again.

"I think wherever she is, she is missing us deeply," I say, settling beside him. The heat of his body next to me. His scent fills my nose.

I roll onto my side, giving my back to him. Our nights we spend traveling as far as we can in any direction, searching helplessly for a scent or sign. Anything that would lead us to Mira. During the day, we rest or spar. Our skills will need to be sharp when we find the Second.

The Third's imperceptible sigh as I turn away from him is like a gut punch. It's not that I want to hurt him or ignore him. Anytime I channel my Chroma, I feel things from him I'm not sure I can give him.

Despite that, I am grateful to have him with me. He is a comfort to me when I need it most, even if he doesn't realize it. Someday I hope to return it, to lend him my strength and comfort in his time of need.

But… I do not believe I could admit that to him. Not yet. Not until I'm sure I understand what I truly want from him. It wouldn't be fair to him otherwise.

He rolls towards me so the warmth of his breath washes over me. I close my eyes against it as it brushes the sensitive skin of my neck. "I'm just so worried about her."

I respond with a half grunt that means Yes, I am as well.

The Second is a slithering worm of a fae. I know that he's the aspect of Dan'thiel's personality who was the worst of all of us. The Third tucks closer to me. His firm body is lithe next to me, and I remember his words from the other day.

You need to fuck or fight right now, so pick one and let's get started.

Does that mean he will do either, or was it simply a taunt to get me to hit him?

I won't deny it; He is not only talented but pleasing to give myself to. He responds so well to my direction, and I know Mira enjoys our dynamic as well.

But it feels… wrong, somehow, to do that without her present. She is my purpose, the one I'm bonded to. However, I am thankful for him.

"She will survive. She is ferocious, our mate. I have no doubt that even the Second, worm that he is, will find her to be a formidable opponent."

I say all of this to reassure him, but I find myself reassured by it as well. Mira is clever and resilient. I know that she will find a way from the Second's clutches, if she can.

I also know that he cannot bond with her without consent. Our clumsy attempts at bonding revealed that, despite the activities of both participants, there must be more than just a physical connection to bond. There must be true emotions behind it. It turns out the physical aspect is optional, based on how the bond snapped into place for her and the Third.

I find some comfort in this. There is no way that the Second will form that relationship with her. Mira is too smart to be sucked into his games, if that is even his purpose.

"And when we find him, I will rip him apart with my bare hands. Sleep now. I'll take first watch, Third."

He says nothing in response, but as his breathing slows, I take comfort in knowing he's safely beside me.

Late in the afternoon sun, I wake from my deep slumber bleary eyed and confused as the Third turns to me. "I have an idea."

I blink.

Bobble, though he is remarkable and has a remarkable capacity to love and be loved, is not well known by any means for his ideas. So, I am cautious when I speak. "Oh," I say slowly and non-comically.

He narrows his eyes. "You don't think it's a good idea."

"I haven't heard it," I say honestly. "I couldn't tell you if it is a good idea or bad until you speak it."

He gives me a very catlike flat stare. "It's a good idea."

"Well. Let's hear it."

He leans in. "What if we go back to that town where we first found him again? Maybe we'll find something new this time."

Oh.

That's the idea.

"Bobble," I mumble. "We've been back there twice already. I don't know that a third visit will yield new results."

The Third's face falls. He is devastated. I can sense it through the Chroma that pulses around me. "It was a good thought," I add hastily, unwilling to have his sadness on my conscience. I grip his shoulder in what I hope is reassuring, and a faint pulse of affection wafts from the Third.

Damn this Blue Order.

Although I awakened with it after our soul was shattered, I still do not understand how it works, or how to use it most effectively. I dislike it, sensing emotions of others. Supposedly, I could influence their emotions if I understood how it all worked. However, I do not like to feel even my own feelings, let alone someone else's.

Yet with each passing day, the awareness grows stronger. When the bond with Mira first snapped in place, I didn't even notice it. Sure, I felt Mira, but it didn't seem like anything out of the ordinary from what I've learned of the mate bond.

But now… it's everyone around me. The other Shards. The innkeeper. The guard I knocked out…

The others mention sensing emotions through the Bond, but to me… it's as clear as reading it from a list of ingredients. It takes more energy to suppress those senses than it does to feel them these days.

Green Chroma, now that makes sense to me. It was Dan'thiel's hue, inflicting physical sensations on others through magic. It was easy, useful. I could make a woman feel things without even touching her. I could make my enemy temporarily lose his eyesight or feel as though he's burning alive.

Useful things.

Emotions, however…

Bobble sighs, disappointment blatant even without Chroma.

As if reading my thoughts, he asks, "When we were talking to the Second, what did you sense from him?"

I tilt my head, trying to remember. "He felt like a lot of things. A mixed-up jumble. More than most people."

"Maybe you could use your power to find him somehow. Send out little feelers with your Chroma?"

I sit up taller, wiping the sleep from my eyes to give this idea my full attention. "If I were more adept at using this power, perhaps I could manifest it in a way to locate him."

He fixes me again with a catty stare. "And you didn't want to try this?"

"It is no use," I sigh. "I am woefully inadequate when it comes to wielding this dreadful Chroma. I was a master at using Green. But now…Blue is unnatural."

I can fight in a battle until the sun dips below the horizon. I can make love for weeks at a time. Hell, I can run through a faerie forest carrying Mira and Bobble should I need to. But I cannot, it seems, use my Chroma to find the woman I care so deeply for.

"Have you tried?"

It is my turn to stare at the Third. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, have you tried to reach out and sense for the Second."

"Of course I've tried, but I failed," I admit, much to my chagrin.

The Third stares at me as though I am the one who has slow ideas. "Well… let's keep trying."

"I know myself, Third." His questioning is making me wonder if I have missed something.

"Okay. Sure. But if you give up, you'll never get better. Let me help you."

I sigh.

"What do you have in mind?"

He grins, showing his full set of pearly teeth. Within moments, we are sitting cross-legged next to each other. He hums slightly, and yellow Chroma sparks around him.

I glare at him. "This is a waste of time. It'll be nightfall soon. We need to be moving."

"But moving where, Sunder? Admit it. We don't know what we're doing, and if this helps us find Mira," he says in a singsong voice.

He isn't wrong.

"What will you have me do?" I settle into my seat, waiting for direction.

"Close your eyes."

I do so.

It doesn't escape my notice that this is so similar to the time Mira and I spent together in the cabin when I tried to teach her to access her Chroma. She had been so angry with me, and I had been so frustrated with her. Her progress, while slow, had been steady, however, and soon she could access Chroma as a fish swims in water.

But she had been born to it, hadn't she? All creatures are capable of accessing Chroma with the fated mate bond, even humans.

"Focus," the Third snaps, uncharacteristically stern. I heed his words.

"Access your Chroma," he says in a soothing tone. I breathe deeply and reach for it.

I am uncertain what Chroma looks like for the Third, or even the Second, but for me, it is a seething mass that hides below me. It boils with unspoken emotions.

Fear, hatred, and anger radiate off it like a furnace. It's overwhelming. I do not know if they are my own feelings, or if they are another's. Tentatively, I poke at the broiling mass. I hiss as it burns my mental fingers, and I recoil.

"I can't touch it," I say to the Third. "It's too much."

The Third sighs at me like I'm a whining child who just needs a snack. He glows, yellow Chroma surrounding him in a haze of golden light.

Slowly, a thread of it creeps over to me.

"Try it again," he whispers.

I close my eyes. His yellow Chroma, beautifully controlled and healing, wraps around my hands in my mind's eye, protecting those mental fingers that poke and prod through the waves of unruly magic. Internally, when I look down, they are bathed in golden light. Like I am wearing armor made from the Chroma of the Third.

I reach for the magic within me. It is so blue that it appears black in places, and I tentatively put my hand on it. The anger and rage are still there, but they are muffled. Fascinated, I poke at it with my fingers. The curved bubble of Chroma ripples and jiggles, but it does not burst.

Interesting.

"Reach for it," the Third commands me. In the back of my mind, I bristle at this command. Instead of reacting, I simply follow his instruction. With both hands this time, I grip it. I take the roiling mass in my fingers, holding it up in my mind's eye.

"Now, let it go," the Third whispers.

I waver.

Though the mass of emotion is not hurting me, it still seethes in my fingers. I hesitate to think of what will happen if I set it loose.

"Do you trust me, Sunder?"

There's a small laugh in his voice, as though he's expecting me to say no.

"Yes." I respond without uncertainty. My trust for this male is vast and unyielding, and I hope he can hear the strength of my truth in my voice when I tell him.

I rip the bubble to shreds.

Energy explodes around me. Through me. I gasp as the feelings pummel into my chest. There's anger, yes. Rage. Darkness. Light. So many things that I have no words for. They flood me, filling my senses with a kind of overwhelming presence like I am drowning. I claw at my throat, where the feelings hold me in a tight grip. My lungs rasp as I try to expand against the pressure, and I look at the Third, my eyes wide in a silent plea for help.

He sends me a soft smile. Threads of golden Chroma unfurl from him, tentatively wandering over to me. They caress me, spinning a web of stars around me, and sink into my skin. Suddenly, there isn't too much pressure. I can breathe again.

"It's so much," I whisper. The feelings still pound me relentlessly, trying to force themselves against me in a tidal wave of pain.

"You have to feel them, Sunder," the Third whispers.

I snap my gaze to him. "I am feeling them," I rasp. "Why do you think I am so overwhelmed?"

"No. You're fighting them. Feel them."

I open my mouth.

Shut it.

And realize I have no idea what he means.

"How do I feel them?"

The Third smiles a serene grin. "Take them. Examine them. Watch what they do, how they feel in your body. Give them a name. Then, let them go."

He makes it seem so easy. "I will try."

I close my eyes again. So many emotions broil around. They bang in my head, bouncing off surfaces and gaining velocity as they go.

"Feel them," the Third's voice echoes in my mind. I breathe deeply. With the yellow Chroma gloves on my hands, I reach out. I snag one emotion, a red one that looks a lot like anger.

I take it in my hands. It writhes, hot and liquid, fighting my fingers. My chest swells, and my teeth ache from clenching my jaw too tight. But instead of fighting back, I open my hands.

Anger.

Named, it begins to settle. Now it looks less jagged. Its edges are smoothed, and it flutters more and struggles less. The emotion inside me reduces to a simmer.

Anger.

The emotion finally quiets. I let it go. And it disappears, releasing me from its hold. I can breathe easily again. A calm washing through me.

My eyes fly open. "Did I do it?"

He nods. Something shines in his gaze, and he beams at me with that cat-like grin.

"Now, you just have to feel the rest."

I turn back to my mental task, taking note of the colors that seem to fly around me.

I did not know that by suppressing my blue Chroma, I was doing so much damage to myself. Emotions flit in my mind, a myriad of colors and shapes, each with their own unique flavor and sense.

I nod.

And one by one, I feel them.