Chapter 21

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Jigsaw

Avoiding Margot is like nailing boards over the windows on a sunny day. The sun's out. I've seen the big orange ball in the sky. Felt its warmth. I can bask in it and enjoy the benefits like a normal human. But I'd rather deny myself and stay in the dark. I've denied myself her warmth for weeks. Physically, anyway. Mentally, she's burrowed into my fucking brain. I like her too damn much, which means I should stay the fuck away from her.

My longing for her grates on my nerves.

Being with her makes me a hypocrite, though—something I hate in other people. I'm supposed to teach Margot to open up and connect with someone on a physical level and I can't even do it myself. Well, no, physically, our connection is incendiary. It's all the other connections I want to make with her, outside of the bedroom, that are a problem.

She helps families navigate grief and loss. I help bury and burn bodies.

She has enough darkness in her life. I have no business bringing more into it.

The club's been a grind. Fixing the damage from the break-in. Helping Rooster re-upload dozens of videos to the websites we maintain, sorting through a mess of digital chaos.

Serena has baby Lincoln and a few of the guys take a trip upstate to Empire Med to congratulate Grinder and Serena.

Tonight, I'm at the clubhouse when some of the guys get back. They threw this party, to "celebrate" Lincoln's birth, but it's the farthest thing from a wholesome celebration of new life.

A year ago, I would've been right in the thick of things, loving every disgusting minute. Tonight, it makes my skin crawl. I don't think I could get it up for anyone else, even if I wanted to.

All I want is Margot. Her scent surrounding me. Her silky hair brushing my skin. Her voice saying my name. All of her.

I'm really regretting leaving the way I did and I'm not sure how to make it right, or if I should even try.

Our downstate clubhouse, with couples furtively fucking in the corners and openly fucking on the pool table, would scandalize Margot.

After so many years, it's boring to me.

All I want is the shy girl who tends to the dead and asked me to teach her about sex.

I could never bring her here. Within five minutes, she'd run into girls I've fucked who'd be more than happy to give her salacious details just for shits and giggles.

And how the fuck is Margot ever going to tell her dad about us? He might have let me drive his car to take her to dinner but he's never going to be okay with me dating Margot. Marrying her.

Fuck me to hell. Do I want to marry her?

"We're back, Jiggy!" a sweet, southern voice behind me announces.

My mouth curves into a genuine smile for the first time in days. I turn around and Shelby's standing there in a loose floral blouse, jeans, and one of the many pairs of cowboy boots Rooster's bought her since they got together. Rooster's standing right behind her, hands on her shoulders, gaze shifting left and right, making sure no one bothers his girl.

But she's only looking up at me right now. "Did you miss us?"

"Always. How'd it go?"

"We couldn't stay long. Serena is beat."

"Yeah, I bet."

"But lil' Lincoln is so cute and squishable." She presses her fists together in front of her face and squeezes her eyes shut for a second.

My lips tilt into a smirk. I shoot Rooster a quick look. "Make you think about having one of your own?"

Rooster gags at the same time Shelby yelps, "Hell, no! I'm happy being the cool aunt right now."

At least they're on the same page.

"What happened to your vow to mind your own business when it came to your friends' reproductive plans?" Rooster scolds.

I scratch the side of my head. "Did I say that?"

"Ya sure did. I heard it," Shelby says.

"I think I was talking about Wrath and Trinity because I get tired of listening to people bug them about it." I flick my hand at them. "You two are still brand new."

Shelby rolls her eyes, but she's trying to contain her laughter, I can tell.

"I'm gonna give you a brand-new ass-kicking." Rooster half-shoves me.

"Aww, don't be mean." Shelby teasingly swats at Rooster, but five seconds later, he captures her in his arms, and she leans up to kiss his cheek. They're so disgustingly in love, my heart aches and I have to tear my gaze away.

I've never wanted that playful, lovey-dovey, gotta have her near me all the time, relationship.

Now it's all I want.

But only with Margot.

Another wave of people push through the front doors, including Eazy who heads straight for me.

"Hey, Horsefucker," I greet him with a grin. "How's it going?"

Rooster bursts out laughing. "The fuck?"

Shelby cringes with disgust. "I don't wanna know, do I?"

Eazy rolls his eyes but slaps my outstretched hand and pulls me in for a shoulder bump. "Gee, I'm so thrilled you've been around more lately." Then he turns and gives Rooster the same greeting.

Shelby cocks her head, studying me intently. "You have been home more lately."

"Is that a problem?"

"No." But she still keeps looking at me with that curious tilt to her head.

The moaning around us increases in volume as the party dives deeper into degeneracy.

"We really are a bunch of heathens, huh?" I grumble.

Eazy grins and rubs his hands together like a racoon in a henhouse, proving my point. "Yes, sir, we are."

Shelby wrinkles her nose and sweeps her gaze around the room. "No other ol' ladies here tonight, huh?"

"Lilly's still upstate," I remind her.

Rooster leans down and whispers something in her ear. By the blush spreading over her cheeks, it's something filthy. I flick my gaze to the ceiling. They really never get bored with each other, do they?

I glance around the room again. I haven't even slept with Margot yet. How can I be this infatuated with her?

"We'll be back," Rooster says, pushing Shelby ahead of him.

"Sure you will, motherclucker." I slap Rooster's shoulder as he passes me. They head for the hallway, navigating the crowd. Fed up, Rooster finally picks Shelby up and carries her.

"They're cute," Eazy says, following my gaze. "Never thought we'd see Rooster settle down before forty."

My body tenses, waiting for him to make some crack about my best friend or his girl. But after a few beats, nothing comes out. He's too busy staring at the front door. "I invited that Tara chick to come by. You haven't seen her yet, have you?" he asks.

That's the last thing I expected to come out of his mouth. Shit, I really am cupid. "No, brother. Why invite her to this?" I circle my finger in the air.

He shrugs. "Rather be upfront from the beginning, you know?"

What a novel approach. "So go pick her up."

"Nah, I think she'd rather have her own car." A smirk slips over his face. "In case she wants to make an escape."

"Smart girl."

"Hey, Jiggy," someone says behind me. "Where've you been lately?" Bonnie drags her fingers over my shoulder and steps in front of me, her hand lingering on my arm. If she ever bothered to pay attention, she'd know how much I hate that.

I'm way too grumpy for this bullshit tonight. I brush her off. "None of your business."

She glances at Eazy and raises a come-hither eyebrow.

"No thanks, darlin'."

She huffs and walks away.

"No thanks, darlin'," I mimic in a high-pitched voice.

"Oh, sorry, we can't all be a grouchy dick like you."

Lala runs up and stops in front of me. "Hi, Jigsaw." She gives me a cute wiggly finger-wave instead of trying to touch me.

"Hey, sweetheart." I lift my chin. "How you've been?"

"Good." She glances shyly over at the bar. "I brought my friend Kristen with me tonight."

I follow her line of sight and a pretty blonde in a white dress smiles at us. Lala waves her over.

"I thought the three of us…" Lala lets the idea hang in the air. When I don't pick up the thread, she flutters her lashes a few times. "Could have fun together."

"No thanks."

Her face falls.

"I just came to talk to Hustler," I say as nicely as I'm capable. It must still sound hostile because her eyes gloss over with tears.

"Okay." She sniffles and shuffles away.

"Why are you here for ten seconds and already making bunnies cry?" Grip walks up and claps a heavy hand on my shoulder.

"Fuck off." I'm not in the mood for his shit tonight, either.

"That girl Kristen's really sweet." He makes this disgusting chef's kiss gesture, complete with lip-smacking. "You see her giant tits?"

"Well, have at it. Lala's looking for a three-way with her."

His eyebrows shoot up with interest. "You're sure?"

"I'm positive. Godspeed, brother."

The noise around me rises to an intolerable level. I bump Eazy's arm. "I'm gonna grab a drink."

He follows me to the bar. A girl I don't recognize is handing out beer and sodas. None of the fancy cocktails with cutesy names Serena used to make when she helped out here—before she met Grinder.

I flick my gaze to the rows of liquor bottles lining the back wall of the bar area and the mirror behind them. Through the sketchy lighting I catch a glimpse of a man I barely recognize. Unshaven, grim face. Eyes dark with regret I can't shake.

Bonnie braces her hands against the bar and leans over. "What do you need, Jiggy?"

Nothing behind that bar. "A Coke is fine, hon. Thanks."

A few seconds later, she passes me a red can. I take a sip, still rooted in place, staring at my reflection like it'll give me answers.

All I see is a man surrounded by the life he knows who wants a woman that makes him question everything.