30. Emmett

CHAPTER THIRTY

emmett

Benny lookslike he’s about to pass out.

We both knew this day would come eventually, but Benny was hoping for it to be after he had completed all his other subjects. Now, he’s looking at an actual transfer back home where he can do the next year and a bit full-time at CU instead of only redoing any math components. He might need longer than another year to get it all done, but at least he’ll be in a supportive environment to do it.

Benny and I came to California to escape Vermont. To stand on our own two feet. Well, four feet if we’re being technical. Yet, we didn’t consider what leaving our family, our support, would do to us.

We wanted to get away from being the Dalton Duo, somewhere where we could continue to dupe our teachers and earn easy degrees and where life would be “easy.”

I think this goes to show that it’s not the learning disorders holding us back; it’s our stupidity.

Just like Asher keeps telling us.

“Moron one, you’re up.” He grips Ben’s shoulder and pushes him toward the doors of the administration building.

“I really wish there was another way,” I say to West, who’s standing with me as we watch Ben walk to his doom.

“Have you thought about getting tested for dyslexia yet?”

“Do I really need to if I’m going to play hockey?”

“I guess not.” He shakes his head. “I’m so disappointed that you didn’t come to Jasper and me. Like I said, I understand why you didn’t, but fuck …”

“I know you’re disappointed in us⁠—”

“Not in you. I’m pissed as hell at you, but I’m disappointed in myself. And Jasper. Not that I’d ever tell him that because he’s going to feel as guilty as I already do, and I won’t do that to him. If only we could’ve had our heads out of our asses long enough to have seen the signs.”

I turn to him. “I don’t know of any teenagers who’d be happy to tell their parents they think there’s something different with them. That they’re not like everyone else in their family. You and Asher with your NHL careers, Zoe with her artistic talent, Rhys, the literal math prodigy, Hazel with her hockey skills that have taken her all the way to the PWHL. We had impossible standards to live up to, and the pressure became too much. That’s why we wanted to pave our own futures any way we could.”

“I don’t think you and Benny understand that you both had more hockey talent than Asher and me combined.”

“That might be true, but the potential of not living up to that talent was paralyzingly terrifying. And that wasn’t any of your faults. It just means that in a family full of overachievers, it was doubly hard to come forward. I know this isn’t going to help ease the guilt, but it needs to be said, and I’ll say it every day if I have to: this is not your or Jasper’s fault. If you need me to call him later and say that, I will.”

“I think it’ll take more than that for either of us to accept that to be true.”

I need to prove to him how it would’ve been impossible for either of them to know any different. “West, Benny and I are masterminds when it comes to switching personalities and mannerisms.” I put on my Benny smirk and add his infliction to my words.

West studies my face and my body and then slowly narrows his eyes. “Are you … Show me your hand.”

I laugh and show him my scar. “See? If we can still fool you, of course we’re going to be able to get away with it with everyone else. Honestly, if Benny hadn’t met Harrison, we would’ve continued to do it. He would get his degree on time, start working for a news outlet or online magazine, and we would’ve kept it a secret forever.”

“Do you really think you could’ve done that?”

In reality? Probably not. I was reaching my end point. I wanted everything to stop being so complicated. Only now, I’m thinking we’ve made it even worse. We’re on the right side of morals this time though.

We’re growing.

“No. Come to think of it, I was about ready to snap. I don’t think I could’ve done another year pretending to be Ben.”

Asher and Ben have only disappeared through the doors for about a second when Jonah rounds the side of the building, running like he’s being chased by a demon.

West and I stare at each other wide-eyed, having a silent “What the fuck?” moment.

Then, as if simultaneously agreeing we can’t let Jonah in there until Ben has explained himself to the dean, we take off running toward the doors too.

It’s an all-out race to see who can get there first, but as Jonah reaches the steps leading to the entrance, he sees me.

He stops running. “You haven’t gone in yet?” He pulls back. “Wait. You’re not Ben.” To be sure, he looks down at my arm, where my tattoo is peeking out of the bottom of my shirtsleeve.

“Why are you here, Jonah?” I ask. “We told you we were going to come clean.”

For a moment, I’m hurt he doesn’t believe that, but then West says, “To be fair, your word isn’t the most trustworthy to him, rightfully so.”

I’ll give him that.

“Where’s Ben?” Jonah asks with panic in his tone.

I point to the doors. “Doing the right thing.”

“Fuck.” He takes off running again.

We watch him disappear behind the doors. “Any idea what that’s about?” West asks.

“Nope, but we need to find out.” We chase after him.

Only a few steps inside the administration building, we find them. Both Jonah and Benny are hunched over, breathing heavily.

“What happened?” I ask. “Who hit who?”

Asher, who’s leaning against the wall and rubbing Benny’s back, covers a laugh. “Your professor boyfriend can’t catch his breath from running, and this guy is having a panic attack.”

There wasn’t a fight? That’s good, but Benny’s anxiety claws at my throat, threatening to make me follow him over the edge from panic to full-blown meltdown. I don’t let it.

I sink to my knees in front of my brother. “Benny, look at me.”

His eyes are glassy as his gaze meets mine.

“We’ve got this.” I hate seeing him this way, and I hate that my first thought is to go in there as him and do it for him. That’s what got us into this in the first place—our fierce need to protect one another. “I can’t go in there for you, but if you need me to, I’ll go in there with you.”

Ben takes a deep breath.

When we both stand upright again, Jonah’s there, watching us, seeming to have caught his breath now.

“You don’t have to do this,” he says.

“Don’t have to do what?” I ask, because if he’s saying I don’t have to go in with Benny, then he’s still not understanding us at all.

“You don’t have to go through with this. I had an idea.”

Benny’s still coming down from his panic attack, but it’s like he stops breathing completely at the glimmer of hope Jonah’s giving us.

“Hear me out.”

I tell myself not to get ahead of myself, but I think I’m already there.