18. Emmett

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

emmett

When we enter Shenanigans,we get more than a few stares. It’s the first time Benny and I have been out together anywhere near campus, and it’s so weird walking through the place with everyone staring at us.

“Are they staring at me or you?” Jonah asks.

“Probably both. You slept with Ben, and now there are two of him. Maybe your cum has cloning properties you’re unaware of.”

Jonah snorts.

This is what I wanted—to be seen. But now that it’s happening, it’s too much attention.

“Let’s get a booth in the back.”

No sooner do we sit down than Benny’s tapping away on his phone.

“Who are you texting?” I ask.

“Harrison. Who else would it be? He’s on his way.”

“Does he really need to be here for this?”

“Yes. Who else is going to grill Professor Brooks about his childhood, his intentions, and whether or not he qualifies as being fucked-up enough to be part of our family?”

Jonah looks like he’s about to throw up.

“Could you maybe not scare him off? I didn’t scare away Harrison.”

“No, just pretended to be me while I was dating him.”

“What?” Jonah shrieks.

Before either of us can explain, two of the DIK frat brothers who don’t live in the frat house approach.

“So it’s true,” Tre says. “Big Wally texted me, but I thought he was drunk again.”

“It’s true,” Ben says. “This is Emmett.”

I wave awkwardly at them.

“This is trippy,” Colin, the other one, says.

“Have you never met twins before?” I ask.

“Yeah, but like, together,” Colin says. “We’ve known you for three years and no idea. Nothing.”

“Because people stare at us like that.” Benny waves his hand over the two of them.

“Shit. Sorry.” Colin shakes off his stupor and composes himself while he turns to me. “Nice to meet you, man.”

Tre slaps the back of Colin’s head. “You’ve known him for six months.”

“Oh. Right. It’s nice to know you’re … not Ben? What am I supposed to say here?”

Benny and I burst out laughing.

“We’re all good,” I say.

When they leave, Jonah leans back in his seat. “If that’s how people look at you all the time, I can see why you don’t like to tell people about each other.”

“Not everyone looks at us like we’re robot clones,” Benny says. “But a lot do.”

“That must be so weird.”

I shrug. “The people we keep in our lives get over it really quick.”

“So do you guys switch places often? How did Harrison find out you’re twins?”

Both Benny and I stiffen, our gaze darting right to one another.

We’re going to have to get our story straight, but for this, I can be vague.

“Uh, I’d met him around the same time Ben did, and neither of us realized we both knew Harrison.”

“Wait, he was unknowingly dating both of you?” Jonah seems horrified at the idea.

“No!” we both say.

“Ben was dating him. I was his friend. I thought it was weird that he would invade my personal space more often than he normally would? But it wasn’t overtly sexual, so I didn’t put two and two together. Benny told me he was dating a guy named Harrison. I only knew Harrison by his nickname Bowser.”

“Well, I’m kind of happy I’m not the only one who got confused by you two.” It’s the self-deprecating way he says it that upsets me.

My smile is tight, and Benny is silent.

“The good news is there’s no reason for us to switch anymore,” I say. “I’m out of the frat house and in my own place.”

Colin and Tre are back already. With drinks this time.

“Colin would like to offer you drinks as an apology for all the awkward staring,” Tre says.

“Seriously, it’s okay,” I say at the same time Benny reaches for the beers.

“Thanks,” he says and takes a sip. “You’re forgiven.”

“They were forgiven anyway. We’re the ones who tricked them for ye—months.” Months. Not years.

“I can totally see it now. Emmett is the nice one,” Tre snarks.

“Guaranteed,” Benny replies. “Anytime I’ve been nice to you, it’s actually been Emmett.”

Harrison appears out of nowhere, obviously overhearing the conversation as he walked in. “Ignore Benny. He’s actually a snuggly wuggly love monster.”

Jonah and I laugh while Ben threatens death upon his boyfriend.

“But then you’d be single, and you wouldn’t have anyone to snuggle with you.” Harrison slides into the booth and kisses Benny’s cheek.

Their relationship is so enviable, and I hope one day to have something like what they have.

I wish it could happen with Jonah, but deep down, I know it’s not possible.

If I come clean and tell him the truth, I lose him. If I keep this a secret forever, there’s no way I could have anything real with him. It would all be built on a lie.

Already as it is, I’m finding it hard to find the right words. How long will it be before one of us slips up?

“What did I miss?” Harrison asks when Colin and Tre make themselves scarce again. “Has the interrogation started yet?”

“There will be no interrogation,” I say. “But you’re here in time to order food. I want a burger and fries.” I turn to Jonah. “What will you have?”

“Club sandwich looks good.”

“It’s amazing,” Harrison says. “I want that too.”

“Off you go, Benny.” I smirk at my brother.

“No. This was supposed to be you treating us after my gallant sacrifice.”

“It’s such a sacrifice to tell the truth,” I deadpan. “But fine. You did warn us.”

“I don’t mind paying,” Jonah says.

“I’ll come with you to order and pay.” I stand.

We shuffle out of the booth and head for the counter to order, ignoring Benny’s protests because we don’t know what he wants.

“Should we, uh, go back?” Jonah asks.

“Depends. If you want to be on his good side, probably. If you want to be on my good side, you’ll follow me.” I step closer to him. “And if you’re on my good side, I might spend the afternoon with you. In bed.”

“Pissing off the brother, it is.” Jonah continues to the bar.

It’s our turn to order, and the guy behind the bar gives us an up-nod.

“Hey, Benny, what can I get you?”

Reflexively, I swallow the correction before I realize … “It’s Emmett, actually. Benny’s brother.”

His brown eyes crinkle in the corners. “No way. I didn’t know he had a twin. Nice to meet you, man. I’m Perry.”

“You too.” I literally can’t wipe the smile off my face. It’s like coming out all over again. That sense of self. Old me is already coming back.

We give Perry our orders, and I’m a nice brother and order what I know Ben loves, even if I’m tempted to order him tofu and vegetables. There’s nothing wrong with that, but Ben thinks vegetables are the devil. Especially green ones. I almost order a side of broccoli but refrain.

Jonah goes to pay when I grip his hand.

“I’ll get this. I still owe you after risking your job.”

“You didn’t risk my job. I jumped to the wrong conclusions.”

“I should’ve told you.”

“I’ll give you that, but I still didn’t have to confront Ben in front of everyone on campus. I want to pay for our first date.”

“Even if it’s a horrible double date where my brother will pretend to be tough and ask you inappropriate and way out-of-line questions?”

He licks his lips. “Something tells me you’ll be worth enduring all that.”

I wish he was right.

I turn back to the cashier, and Jonah pays. When we reach the table again, Harrison is looking over Benny’s shoulder at his phone.

“Are you ready?” Benny asks Jonah.

“Ready as I’ll ever be. Shoot.”

I’ll give him one thing: he’s being a good sport about it.

“What are your intentions with young Emmett?” Benny asks.

“I’m older than you, jerk.”

“Two minutes doesn’t count,” Benny argues.

“I bet that’s what Harrison says to you a lot.”

Jonah cuts in. “I’ll just answer before you two have a twin breakup over it. I want to date him.”

“Does that mean you’re exclusive?” Ben asks.

I hang my head. Jesus fucking Christ.

“Well, I’m not dating anyone else,” Jonah says. “I don’t date a lot, but I know that might be different for Emmett, so it’s really up to him.”

You’d think after months of not hooking up because I had to pretend to be Ben would have me craving all the sex with anyone who’d want me, but Jonah makes me want something more.

“I’m the same with dating,” I say. “Kind of hard when everyone thinks I’m a dude named Ben. I’d never hook up with anyone who thought I was him.”

“That’s one hard rule we’ve always had,” Ben adds.

“Good to know. Though I can totally tell you two apart now.” He winks at me.

“It’s the tattoos, isn’t it?”

He laughs. “Little bit. Although you’re putting a lot of faith in whether I can tell my rights from my lefts.”

“You’re a college professor.”

“Of statistics, not direction.”

Harrison leans in closer to Benny, and I don’t think we’re supposed to hear what he says, but I do. Even if I don’t take my eyes off Jonah, who’s staring back at me with amusement.

“They’re really cute.”

“This feels weird,” Benny says.

“Aww, is all their gooey, lovey-dovey eyes making that heart of yours melt?”

We finally draw our attention away from each other in time to see Benny shove his boyfriend. “Fuck off, is not. I mean … I think this is the first time Em and I have been with people at the same time. And it’s weird because I get to be me, and he gets to be him. There’s no confusion.”

I want to slash at my neck because why would there be confusion if I’ve only been pretending to be him for the last six months?

“What about when Em was in San Diego? It’s not that far away.” Yup, on cue, Jonah is asking questions.

I give Benny a “look what you did” stare while I try to come up with something to cover for it.

Benny, on the other hand, already has an answer prepared. “When we decided to go to different colleges, we agreed to trying to make it on our own. To have that separation we’ve never had before. Separate friends. Separate classes. Separate lives.”

Hey, that’s not a complete lie. “But we still wanted to be close enough to see each other if we needed to. Like … when someone sets a fire and I take the fall and get kicked out of school.”

“Exactly,” Ben says.

Harrison shakes his head. “You two are more codependent than I even realized.”

“We are not codependent,” Benny argues.

And I wish I could agree with him, but I can’t. “We’re totally codependent.”

“You say it like it’s a negative thing.”

I know, technically, codependency can cause a whole lot of emotional issues and affect having healthy relationships with others, but look at Benny and Harrison. They’re as healthy as the relationships we saw growing up. Our parents before they died, our brothers and their partners … they have it.

And I want it.

I internally sigh because I know I don’t have it.

Even though I know I’m wasting my time by dating Jonah and putting my heart, and his, on the line, there’s absolutely no way I can make myself bail out.

Not yet.

It’s impossible to know when that point will come, only that it needs to happen before either of us gets in too deep.