8. Chris

EIGHT

CHRIS

Controlled pandemonium rules the club only a couple of hours after the first patrons arrive. It's that way every night and it makes me feel like a lion tamer for some reason. Like all this wildness is only controlled by my sheer will.

I know damn well it's not my sheer will, but that of all of us who work here. Still, I can't help but smile as the crowd roars when the first notes of "Save a Horse" come on. They get even rowdier when the dancers walk onto the platform in front of the DJ's booth.

It's only the first dance of the night but they're all oiled up and look like they've been dancing for hours. They're not strippers, but they're wearing very little clothes. Only assless chaps and cowboy hats.

I feel my phone buzz in my slacks pocket and despite how much I want to resist, I can't. It doesn't matter that I was cursing myself for texting Benny only an hour ago, what matters is that maybe he's finally texting me back . I turn to the main bar and give Drake a little nod to let him know I'm heading to the back. In reality, I do have a lot of work to catch up on, but I know that's not what I'm going to be doing. At least not the second I get to my office.

I make sure to walk at a normal pace, I nod and smile at the waiters I see coming out of the break room, and I close my door carefully.

I take a deep breath, then take out my phone and go into the text thread without looking at the messages on my lockscreen. I can only gape at my screen when I read them.

Benny

I'm so happy you texted me. Really appreciate it.

I wanted to thank you for Saturday.

Not only the awesome sex but listening to me, even if it was awkward.

Really appreciate it.

Is he for real?

Who the hell is this nice?

The texts aren't really rambly, but they feel like they are somehow. And somehow , I can picture Benny in my head saying what he just texted. Which is ridiculous. I don't know him well enough to picture the exact way in which his mouth would move with every word.

And yet... fuck, what the hell did he do to me? I don't stare at texts from guys, imagining what it would be like if they were telling me the same things face to face. That's just not me.

And it would definitely be out of character for me to write back eagerly, but I do.

Chris

No need to thank me.

I had a good time too.

All true things. I could leave it at that—wait and see what else he has to say to me—but again, I can't help myself.

Chris

How is your vacation going? Have you figured out everything with your best friend?

Though I've never been jealous over any man I've hooked up with, the sudden tension in my shoulders and back tells me it's happening now.

Which is ridiculous.

So many things about me are ridiculous nowadays—since Benny came into my life—that I'm just going to stop pointing it out now.

I feel relief and disappointment at the same time when the texts don't show as read right away, or two minutes later when I'm still standing in the middle of my office staring at my phone's screen.

Eventually, though, I accept that I need to get to work, so I lock it and walk around my desk, sit, and open my laptop. I'm very lucky to be one of those people who likes crunching numbers and running a business. It's what I went to school for, it's what I'm good at too, and so I do get lost in my work even though I'm constantly aware of my phone right next to my computer.

I don't know how long it is, maybe an hour, but when it buzzes, I'm immediately turning away from the spreadsheet and picking it up again.

Benny

Vacation is going great!

Just had dinner with my whole family, and I slept for ten hours last night so I'm off to a great start.

I lean back and think about what I can ask him about his family—for no specific reason at all—but my phone buzzes again before I can.

What are you up to tonight?

That's easy, I think. I can do this. Texting isn't that hard.

Chris

I'm at the club, working.

Then for some reason, I take a pic of my desk. I at least zoom out, so no one could ever make out the numbers in the spreadsheet, but I send it to him right away.

Benny

Oh, man. That looks complicated.

Chris

It's really not.

At least I don't think so. I like this part of the job.

Benny

Really? I always hated math.

Mostly because I suck at it.

Chris

I get that. I always hated Biology.

Benny

I wasn't as bad at that one.

So, what do you do when you're not working?

I take a moment to think about how to answer. What do I do when I'm not working? I answer as honestly as I can because why not? I'm already doing this, might as well be myself.

Chris

Nothing too exciting. I don't have any hobbies besides the normal watching movies and binging series.

Benny

I get that.

When I'm done with work all I want is to veg out on the couch, so movies, series, and videogames are my jam.

Chris

What kind of movies?

I can't help but ask.

Benny

I'll tell you, but you can't laugh at me, okay?

Chris

I promise I won't laugh.

Benny

My favorites are Lord of the Rings or superhero movies.

They're all awesome.

Chris

Not laughing at all since I think they're pretty great too.

And what kind of video games?

Benny

You really like them too? Most of my friends don't.

And I like all kinds of video games really.

The picture of Benny eating popcorn while sprawled on his couch comes to mind and I can't help but smile. He's cute. I do wonder how he stays in such amazing shape, though.

I played some video games when I was younger, but after I went to live with Jake there wasn't really time or money for me to play them. Maybe I could get into it again? I certainly have the time now. My chest gets tight at the reminder that I'm different from Benny. That he has a family—probably a big happy one—that he just had dinner with. He probably had a normal childhood and has never felt the kind of despair I did so young. And I'm glad he hasn't, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But it just brings forth the fact that what I'm doing—texting Benny like we're I don't know, dating? —is pointless .

He'll see how not-fun I am in no time. I'm only a good time for one night, and there's only disappointment and hurt feelings waiting for me if I start thinking otherwise.

So I don't answer with anything and just watch my phone buzz a few times when he does.

Benny

Those are pretty juvenile too, I know.

But I like them.

God, he's so authentic, and I don't think he's juvenile at all. He has to be so freaking mature to own up to who he is.

Anyway, I'm going to sleep now. Hope your night at the club goes well.

When I get that last one, I can't help but reach for my phone again. And even though I know it's all pointless, it's all a bad idea, I answer.

Chris

Goodnight, baby Benny.

I wake up to pages full of messages from Benny and can't help but smile at his complete lack of chill. I'm pretty sure it's the best way in the world to wake up.

Benny

Good morning, Chris!

Hope you slept well.

I'm just going to do some work around the house today with my dad, then I have to get everything ready for the camp.

Oh, right.

I didn't tell you about the camp.

So, I run a camp here in my hometown.

For kids 13-16.

They get here Sunday night, and I'm hoping to get everything ready by tonight so I can take tomorrow off with my sisters and go to the lake to float around.

And then three hours later there's more.

Do you have siblings?

Are they annoying?

My sisters are soooo annoying.

Dad and I came by to get something to eat and they wouldn't let us sit down with all the guests cause we're sweaty, so they made us eat outside!

They're monsters.

I'm gonna dunk them all day tomorrow at the lake.

And the last one just half an hour ago.

Man you really do sleep a lot, or you're ignoring me. I hope you're not.

Fuck me , he's so fucking cute and earnest.

I don't know if it's normal for people who have slept together twice to send each other a play-by-play of their days. But it's so fucking endearing, I don't really mind if this is only a Benny thing.

I reply before I even get out of bed.

Chris

I think I sleep like any other guy LOL.

But I only got home at five in the morning, that's why I'm only waking up now.

I think it's awesome that you run a summer camp. I don't know if I could ever do that.

I have a brother, he's eight years older than me.

And yeah, he can be annoying.

Benny

Right, running a nightclub has to mess with your sleeping hours, huh?

The camp isn't too hard, I always have a good time with the kids.

Chris

Yeah, I never know what time I'm going to fall asleep, but I adapt pretty well.

Benny

That makes sense. I'm one of those who can fall asleep anywhere and anytime.

At least normally. I had insomnia the other day when I got here.

Chris

Because of the best friend?

Benny

Yeah . . .

Chris

We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.

Benny

You caught that, huh?

Chris

Well, you didn't say anything about it when I asked last night.

Easy enough to put together.

Benny

I don't know if it's right or not. To talk about it with you, I mean.

Chris

I don't mind, promise.

That takes me aback.

I promise?!

Since when do I promise shit? And yeah, I don't mind it if Benny wants to talk to me about that sticky situation, mainly because I want to know where his head's at.

If he really is in love with his best friend, then what the fuck are we doing? It'd be better to know right now even if it makes me feel like a dumbass. It would be better either way.

My phone vibrates and snaps my attention back to it.

Benny

I just don't know what there is to say.

That's . . . not great. Right? I mean, if he doesn't know . . .

I know I wasn't in love with him.

That's just obvious to me now. I get that people in love cheat, and I'm not saying that's what I did, or what it felt like when we were together.

I mean that it's obvious because I didn't think about him at all when I was with you.

I let out a huge, relieved sigh, and after how open he's being with me, I can't help but do the same. At least a little bit.

Chris

I'm glad you didn't feel that way with me.

That's as much as I can let myself tell him. It's not much, I know, and I hope he doesn't feel like I'm hiding something from him, because I'm not.

Benny

Yeah, so I'm still thinking about all the rest.

That confuses me.

Chris

What is all the rest?

Benny

You know, why did I think I was in love with him?

What is love anyway?

How can I ever look him in the eyes again after realizing how dumb I was?

Why didn't he tell me he was seeing someone?

Will we ever go back to being best friends the way we were before?

Chris

Ah.

Right, that rest.

Damn, BB.

Benny

I know *whiny face*

Chris

That's a lot.

But will you even have time to think it through?

Benny

Yeah, I think I will.

My Grandpa already helped yesterday.

Chris

I'm glad about that.

I take a deep breath and though I hate myself for having to ask, I do.

So you haven't talked to your best friend?

Benny

No.

Well, I did tell him I was okay and to stop freaking out over me not answering his texts.

But other than that, no.

I let out a deep breath and that's just... It's enough for me, I can't take it anymore.

Chris

I hope you get the answers that you need, BB.

Benny

Thanks.

I have to get back to work now, but talk later?

Chris

Yeah, sure.

Benny

Awesome.

I drop the phone back on my nightstand and roll to my back.

Dear God, what the hell am I doing?

Benny's head is more of a mess than mine is. Well, at least right now. Why can't I just take a step back?

It doesn't matter, I decide, and sit up then quickly stand. I have to get started with my day and just get on with it. Like I always do with everything that doesn't have to do with Jake or with business, I'll just let whatever has to happen, happen.

Benny

I dunked them both multiple times. The brats had it coming.

The text comes through right as Lure opens and I don't even make an excuse to anyone, I just turn on my heel and go back to my office. Benny's been with his family at the lake all day, and though I'm brimming with questions about the lake, his hometown, his family, I haven't pried at all.

He did tell me about his high school buddies, and the one thing I've come to realize about Benny is that he's a great friend.

What I don't know is if I can be a good friend to him.

Because that's really what we're doing right now.

It doesn't matter that I've made myself come every day to the memory of Benny bouncing on my lap. Our conversations haven't been sexual or flirty at all.

Not that I'm a master at flirting. I normally just chat with someone and after enough time passes, I ask if they want to take me home.

It hasn't failed me in a lot of years, so why bother with more?

So a friendship is what we're building, I guess. Shouldn't I, as a friend, know about his family, his sisters?

Over the next few days we don't get to text as much as those first two since he's so busy with the camp, but when we do, I make a point to ask about the camp.

Benny's uncharacteristically vague about the whole thing, which I don't understand at all, but again, I let it pass and don't pry .

On the other hand, he's very open about his family, the resort they run near Toronto—found out he's Canadian—and I'm very thankful he doesn't throw all the questions back at me.

All in all, we mostly talk about our favorite things—like burgers for me, pizza for him. I prefer rum, he likes tequila. I like scary movies, he hates them. We both like superhero movies but I'm not obsessed with them as much as he is.

He sends me video clips of people being scared and falling that make him cry with laughter. I love it and send him back a selfie with tears of laughter running down my face.

We do talk a little bit about Norman—I also find out the best friend's stupid-ass name—and though I'm as sure as he is that he's not in love with him, there's still an uncomfortable feeling every time we do.

It's not jealousy.

I don't get jealous.

Ever.

In any case, Benny assures me he's going to talk to Norman as soon as he's back in Vegas. And we haven't talked about meeting up again, but I'm getting up the nerve to ask him out on a real date because... well, there's no reason not to.

I also want to.

So, so much.

I want to kiss him again, to make him moan again, to have him close to me. I want to see him speak instead of just reading his words.

And that's the scariest part of it all.