10. Chris

TEN

CHRIS

I burst through the back door of my brother's house at two in the afternoon on Friday. My panic is in control, and I'm not too proud to admit it.

Just as Benny thought, I had mountains of paperwork to get through yesterday and I made a point of staying until closing just so everyone at Lure doesn't think I'm slacking. I'm not, and never plan to be a completely hands-off boss.

I just don't have it in me.

Just like I don't have romance or dating in me.

"Jake!" I call out way too loudly.

"Chris?" I think his voice is coming from his living room so I head there. "What are you doing here?" he asks the second he sees me. There's a confused frown on his face and after he stares at me for less than a second, it turns worried.

Dammit, this is the last thing I need. I don't want to worry Jake, ever.

"I'm okay, just need..." I trail off. What do I even call what I need? What do I need? "Oh, God," I groan and rub my face with both hands .

"You're freaking me out, Chris," he says as he stands.

"I'm sorry, okay. It's nothing bad, I just don't know what to do ."

"Do with what? What happened?"

"Okay, okay," I take a deep breath. "Okay, we need to sit. Let me just get some coffee, okay?"

"You said okay four times, Chris. How the hell do you expect me to think it's nothing bad?"

"I swear." I finally shut up and just let him see it in my face. It's the only way he's going to believe me.

"Fine. Then yeah, let's get some coffee."

Ten minutes later we sit at his dining table. I feel more settled, and I think I have my thoughts in order.

"You remember that guy I told you about?" I start the only way I know how.

"The one that left you his phone number at Lure?"

"Yes." I nod and take a sip of my coffee. "I texted him."

"I saw, bro. You did it right in front of me."

"Right. So we talked a lot while he was away. He went to his hometown for two weeks. Anyway, he returned on Wednesday. He was supposed to go straight to his best friend's house to hash everything out."

"The best friend he thinks he's in love with?" Jake raises one eyebrow with his question and I shake my head as I swallow.

"No. Well yes. He thought he was in love with him, but figured out he really never was while he was on vacation. He came back and he told me he was going to talk to him the same day."

"Okaaaay. "

"Instead of doing that, he came by Lure, asked me to go home with him."

"And you left with him again, I suppose."

"Of course I did, the man is hot as fuck." All I get in response is another eyebrow raise. "Fine." I roll my eyes. "I didn't leave with him because he's hot as fuck—though he very much is. But I..." I trail off. How can I even explain what Benny does to me? The person I turn into when he's in front of me is not one that my brother knows.

"You . . . like him?"

"Yes!" I whisper shout. "What the fuck, right?"

"Chris . . ." Jake says in his adult voice.

"Ugh, no." I groan.

"It's normal to like someone you're attracted to and are getting to know. What's the big deal?"

"The big deal is he asked me out on a date!" I snap.

"And?" he asks, completely unreasonably.

"And I said yes. We're going out on Monday!"

"Why are you shouting at me?"

"Why are you so fucking calm?"

"Because this is what people do . . ."

"Oh really?"

"Yes," he says, now shouting at me too.

"How many dates have you been on, then?"

"This year?"

"Sure, this year," I say, knowing damn well he hasn't been on a single on?—

"I think like, ten first dates, maybe twenty-five total. Official dates that is." He looks to the side as if contemplating if his answers are accurate while I can only gape at him .

"You've been on twenty-five dates?" Now I really am shouting. "Why the hell is this the first I'm hearing about it?"

"Because we don't talk about that kind of stuff, never have."

"Have you been in a serious relationship, then? Have you had a boyfriend and didn't tell me about it?" I think my feelings are actually hurt.

"Of course not, Chris, don't be a dumbass. If I'd had a boyfriend of course I would've told you and you would've met him." He's back to looking at me like adult Jake, and it only brings up bad memories which I don't like one bit. "It's fine to go on a date, it doesn't have to mean anything. You're not promising to spend the rest of your life with him."

"I know that," I mumble and avoid his gaze.

"Oh, my God," he whispers.

"What?" I demand, frowning at him.

"So you really, really like him then."

"Jake," I say in a warning tone.

"No, don't Jake me. This is good, Chris! Just go on the date. Keep getting to know him until you find something you absolutely hate about him."

"And if I don't?" I ask the obvious question.

He smirks at me like a fucking annoying know-it-all. "If he still makes you feel so good and you keep liking him more and more, then you stay with him forever."

"What?" I demand.

His loud, and yes, very annoying laughter goes on for way too long.

"I hate you," I mutter.

"No you don't. Look." He takes a deep breath to try and get his chuckles under control but he's still smiling smugly when he can speak again. "I know it's something new for you, but it's not a bad thing. You just have to give the guy a chance like I said. You can panic on the day of your wedding or when you're picking out a ring to propose, but panicking before a first date is a waste of energy, honestly. Like I said, there's no promises here."

"But..." I really don't know how to say this, but I have to try. If I can't even talk about it to Jake, then what kind of chance will I have to make Benny want to spend more time with me?

"You want there to be a second date." He sums it up so freaking well.

"I do," I say simply.

"Then just be yourself, Chris. This—" He waves a hand in front of me. "—isn't like you. You're normally more in control and... I don't know, secure. Trust me, it's better to just be yourself."

I mull it over for a long moment. It makes sense, I do want Benny to want to spend more time with me, and although we're hot as fuck together, for the first time ever, it's not only about sex for me.

This is special—it isn't dating just anyone, it's dating someone I really like. So I have to keep my shit together. I can't let Benny see me freak out like this.

Steady, calm, rational. That's what I need to be.

It's also, I think, what Benny wants.

If I can do that in our... relationship I guess, then Benny can keep being himself freely and just enjoy everything.

I have to keep all of this inside. It's not Benny's fault I don't have the first clue about what dating's supposed to be like.

Benny

After spending all day Thursday researching breath play—and jacking off about a million times because I kept getting so damn horny—I wake up on Friday knowing what I have to do.

I need to talk to Bates.

I spent two weeks thinking about not being in love with him only to come to the realization that that doesn't mean I don't love him at all.

He's become my best friend for a reason. He's been my biggest supporter since he was traded to the Pirates, and since all employees in the organization are incredibly supportive of everyone, that's saying something.

After games where I've fucked up, he always listens to me ramble on and on and on about what I should've done better without interrupting. When I score a goal or have an assist, he's almost always the first to join me in the celly.

He's also been a huge help in my quest to be the fastest player in the NHL. We've had countless overtime skating sessions to refine our skills, and also countless days together where we were just hanging out.

He deserves the respect of me telling him the truth, no matter how fucking embarrassing this all is. So I find myself standing with my arm raised, about to knock on his front door for the first time ever.

I have a clicky thing that lets me park my car in his garage, but I'm pretty sure I lost the right to use it since I've been such an asshole to him.

I want to earn that right back, I want to know why he didn't tell me about Caroline. I want to apologize for basically ghosting him.

Determined, I knock on the door, then roll my eyes at myself. This is a mansion for fuck's sake, there's no way he's going to hear a knock unless he's standing by the door. I ring the doorbell and only have to wait about a minute for him to appear in front of me and cross his arms like he's ready for a throwdown when he realizes it's me.

It's interesting, seeing him again after knowing with a hundred percent certainty that I'm not in love with him.

I let out a relieved sigh at the stark difference it makes from the last handful of times I saw him. Yeah, the dude's still hot as fuck, that can't just go away, but I don't want to cuddle him or anything.

"I'm sorry," I say in a voice stronger than what I thought I'd manage. "I've been a shitty friend and there's no excuse, but if you're willing to hear me out, I hope you'll let me explain why I acted like a grade-A asshole."

Bates keeps frowning at me for a long moment until he too sighs and lets his arms fall to his sides.

"Come in," he says in a tired voice.

I follow him to the kitchen and see he's making himself a protein shake. It reminds me that I should've gone to the gym yesterday, but I obviously got sidetracked. From the clean state of Bates's shirt, my guess is he hasn't done his workout yet. That means that if we can get through this whole mess of a conversation relatively unscathed, maybe we can get right back to our friendship and work out together.

"I thought I was in love with you," I blurt out when he finally looks at me. And it feels equal parts horrifying and amazing to say it out loud. To him.

Finally.

Bates's hand is holding the lid of the shaker mid-air and his jaw is trying to reach the floor. I realize that waiting for him to come up with something to say isn't the way to go this time. I need to get it all out.

"Like I said, there's no excuse for how I acted, but I'm trying to explain. For the last two years I have been completely convinced that I was in love with you. That you're the love of my life and that one day you were going to wake up and just know that I'm the love of your life too."

He finally looks away from me, clears his throat, and shakes his head, then very deliberately puts his hand down.

"No, let me just get this all out, please?" I'm not above pleading, and I know it's the right way to go about this when he doesn't have a problem looking back up at me and staring straight into my eyes. I let out a big breath and sit in one of the stools on the other side of his kitchen island so we can have this conversation face to face.

"So I thought I was in love with you. We'd just won the Stanley Cup, dude. I was on the best high of my life, and then it just got better when I came out to the team. I thought, finally I was going to start my life for real. Then the next day, I was obviously hungover since I had never drunk so much in my life. I got to Gab's place and heard all about Jake Barlow being our new GM, and then I saw you arrive. With Caroline .

"I knew you would only ever bring someone to team events who's important to you. I knew she wasn't one of your million cousins because I've met them all. I knew she was your official girlfriend immediately, just by the way you guys were looking at each other. And I couldn't face it. I couldn't deal with it. I'm not gonna lie, at that moment, I thought my heart was breaking, and in a way it was, but I thought it was like a romantic heartbreak, you know?"

Bates nods but he's still frowning, looking confused as all hell. Damn, I hope I can explain the next part right.

"I'm just gonna get this out right now because otherwise I'm gonna look like a real asshole, okay? So I know now that I was never in love with you. I mean, I love you, of course I do, we're best friends forever, right? But right now when you opened the door, I didn't want to like, kiss you. And looking back, which is mostly what I did while I was back home the past two weeks, I realize I never wanted to kiss you. All I've ever wanted was your company and your support. But at Gab's place, I ran away and went to a bar, got very drunk, then I had dinner, then I went to a gay club. I thought I'd drink and dance my troubles away." I chuckle and shake my head. "And I met Chris." I have to take a moment.

"Fuck, dude," Bates finally speaks.

"I know," I say softly and spin the stool from side to side like I always do when I'm here. "I met Chris, and I guess that's a story I can tell you about later, but meeting him is what made me doubt all these feelings I thought I had for you. I was still reeling from that when I saw you at the hospital, still couldn't wrap my head around any of it. I mean, how could I be so convinced I was in love with you if I wasn't? It just didn't make sense. And when I saw you at the hospital well, I got mad, and I mean, really butt-hurt."

"Why?" he asks.

"Because you didn't tell me you were seeing someone who's clearly important to you. Man, I know you're private, but seriously? I'm your best fucking friend and you don't tell me you're in a serious relationship?"

"It all happened right before the first round of the playoffs. I met her the day of our first game, and we were texting non-stop for the whole run. She couldn't go to the final 'cause she had a wedding that day, so I thought it'd be cool to introduce her at Gab's house when we were all acting a bit more civilized." He throws his hands in the air. "I didn't want to jinx it, man."

"Argh," I groan, throwing my head back. "You're so fucking superstitious, even for a hockey player."

"Oh, right. Like you don't tie and untie your skates five fucking times before every game."

"But that's all I do! You use the same Under Armour for every game of the season, man. Then you have to tap your stick to the ice in all four corners, and you only drink blue Gatorade. And that's the only disgusting Gatorade!"

There's a long beat of silence after my tirade, and then we both burst out laughing.

It feels good to laugh with him again. I know there's still a lot of stuff to figure out, but somehow I just know we're gonna be fine.

He's still that supportive friend he's always been, and I'm gonna make sure I keep being the friend he's always counted on .

"So, you ghosted me because I didn't tell you about Caroline." He says after our laughter dies down.

"Yeah, once I got to Elliottsville, that's why."

"I guess I get that."

"I'm not saying you have to tell me everything, and if you tell me you never want to discuss your dating life with me then I get it, and I won't ever expect you to. But I guess since we never had a talk about it, I did expect you to tell me when you met someone." I shrug because that can very well be a me problem with my expectations.

"I don't have a problem sharing anything about my dating life, to an extent of course."

I wince at that last part. "Yeah, no offense, but just like you probably don't want to hear about my sex life, I really don't want to hear about any girl parts."

He snorts. "You're such a dumbass."

"It's the main reason we're best friends," I answer the same way I have every single time he's called me a dumbass, but this time I hold my breath. I hope we still are best friends, that we can move past this.

"It's my cross to bear," he nods with mock humility. "Now tell me about this Chris character."

I can't help but bounce on my seat just a little. "Best thing ever?" I start. "He doesn't seem to care about hockey at all ."

Bates's smile grows slowly at my opening line. "Promising," he remarks.