Chapter 1

Songs that remind me of you

Love fucking sucks.

Granted, I've only ever been in love once, but it still sucks.

Having to watch my best friends happily in love, cuddling, laughing, and smiling with their boyfriends?

Gag.

I'm happy for them. Of course I am. But it's hard to witness when I have absolutely no one. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me. Am I so unlovable that it's impossible for someone to look at me like I'm their everything and love me like they need me more than anything in the world?

Probably.

I take another sip of the shitty punch they serve at these parties, trying to wash away all the thoughts plaguing my mind.

"You're late," my roommate since freshman year says, sliding beside me.

I tut, shaking my head. "You can't rush perfection, Madi." I shoot her a wink, flipping my hair over my shoulder.

"You're still hovering over the drink table?" she asks, eyeing me.

"I'm still deciding," I say, squinting at the alcohol in front of me.

"On?" Madeline asks, raising her eyebrow at me.

"Which one will get me the drunkest and make me forget the orgy going on over there," I tell her, gesturing with a nod of my head at our little group of couples—ugh—and flashing her a teasing grin.

"You're so dramatic," she replies with an eye roll.

"I know." I wink. "I should take your job." Madeline is an actress, and a good one at that. She just landed a small role in a TV series, and while it's not Hollywood yet, I have no doubt in my mind that she'll get there.

Madeline and her boyfriend, Lucas, make a beautiful couple and will have a beautiful family, and a beautiful life.

And I'll probably still be alone.

"So, you're just going to stay here and get drunk alone?" she asks.

I lift my shoulders in a shrug. "Wouldn't be the first time."

My best friend lets out a sigh, shaking her head. "Come hang out with us once you're done," she says, nudging me on the arm.

My nose scrunches as the alcohol burns my throat. "Hard pass."

Madi heads back toward the group, and I grab a cold beer from the cooler, cracking it open. I quickly swallow it down, wincing at the taste. It's not the best, but it'll do the job.

The first time I ever got drunk, I was fifteen. I still remember the night so vividly, even if the next few hours are a complete blur.

Chris snuck into my bedroom through the window, like he always did, holding a bottle of whiskey he swiped from his dad's stash. He plopped down on the floor next to me, we cranked up the music, and knocked back the whole bottle.

It was fucking awesome. It was the first time my mind just… shut off.

I didn't hear a thing. Didn't feel a thing.

And I've been chasing that feeling ever since.

As I reach for my fifth drink of the night, I feel a body slide beside me. Shifting my gaze away from the drinks, I glance over at the brunette who's clearly checking me out. She pretends to grab a drink, but I catch the way her eyes keep flicking back to me. Running my tongue over my teeth, I give her a once-over. She's cute. Long legs, tatted skin, and that septum piercing looks badass on her.

She flashes me a smile, turning her body to face me. "Hey."

I focus on her dark brown eyes when I return her smile. I've always had a thing for brown eyes. There's something about them, like warm chocolate swimming in a pool of caramel.

They remind me of—

"Hi," I interject, wanting to give myself a night off from thinking about him. It rarely ever works. At some point, he always pops up in my mind. It's inevitable.

"So… do I have to buy you a drink to get your name?"

I tilt my head, a playful grin spreading across my face. "Seeing as the drinks are free, I don't think that would work. I'm Gabriella, but call me Gabi or I might not reply."

"Gabi, got it. I'm Jess," she says with a smirk. "I haven't seen you before," she says, arching a pierced brow at me. "You new?"

I let out a scoff, turning to face her. "Do I look like a freshman?" I joke. I mean, I might look young, but seriously? I'm about to start my senior year.

Her smile widens as her eyes drop to check me out. "No, you do not," she says, slowly mapping my body with her eyes. "That was just my lame way of throwing you a compliment."

I scrunch my nose as I take another sip of my drink. "Don't know that being compared to a baby freshman is a compliment."

"Fair enough." She leans in closer, and I catch a whiff of her flowery perfume. "Then how about I just tell you that I couldn't keep my eyes off you all night?"

I fake gag, tilting my head with a playful smirk. "That's just cheesy," I tease, the corner of my lips curling up.

Jess laughs. "So you're not a fan?"

"Depends."

"On?" She leans in, her eyes sparkling with mischief.

I lift my shoulder in a casual shrug, meeting her gaze. "Whether or not you can come up with something better in ten seconds."

"Are you putting me under pressure?" she teases, her voice laced with humor.

"Nine," I respond, playing along, my eyes twinkling with mischief.

Her eyes widen. "Fuck. Ok."

"Eight," I say with a smile.

She blows out a breath. "You really know how to stress a girl out."

I nod, sipping the last of my drink. "I'm not easy."

"I see that," she replies with a grin. "But I'm still interested."

I blink, surprised. She is? Why do I kind of wish she wasn't? "I didn't scare you away?"

She shakes her head, her hand lingering on my waist. "Definitely not." I meet her gaze, feeling a flutter of anticipation in my chest. "You want to get out of here?" Her breath tickles my ear as she whispers, sending a shiver down my spine.

I think about it, really think about it. Here's this girl, right in front of me, wanting me—even if it's just for tonight. Jess is attractive, funny, and would undoubtedly be a hell of a good time, but…

"That's a no, isn't it?" she asks, removing her hand from my waist.

My throat feels dry as I swallow hard, meeting her eyes. "I'm really sorry." I shake my head, his face flashing in my mind, as it always does. "You seem really cool, I'm just—"

"Not Available?" she interrupts with a tilt of her head, her expression understanding.

I let out a strained chuckle, feeling a pang of guilt in my stomach. "Something like that."

She nods, a hint of disappointment flickering across her features. "I get it," she says with a smile, though I can tell it doesn't quite reach her eyes. "Whoever they are, they're lucky."

She grabs a drink out of the cooler, shooting me a quick smile before she melts into the party crowd. I'm left standing here, all alone again.

Then my phone buzzes, and I snatch it up eagerly. His name lights up the screen, stirring up a whole mess of conflicting emotions.

This whole situation is so confusing.

I'm hung up on someone who doesn't even want me, not like I want him, stuck pining for him while he's off living his life thousands of miles away. And here I am, sitting alone, trying to drown out all these thoughts with whatever cheap booze I can find.

Forgetting about Chris feels impossible, and honestly, I don't want to. He was always the best part of my life. Still is.

Leaning back against the table, I tap on his latest text. My heart starts racing, and I close my eyes, letting out a frustrated groan.

Damn it. Why did it have to be him? After everything we've been through, after all this time, he's still the only one I want.

I glance around the crowded room, filled with people dancing and having a great time. There are plenty of options here, plenty of pretty faces that will without a doubt offer me a distraction for the night.

But the thought of waking up tomorrow with someone else… Guilt gnaws at my insides, and my stomach churns. It's not worth it. I can't even entertain the thought. Especially when one simple text from Chris can make me feel more than any fleeting hookup ever could.

Chris:

You home?

Gabi:

Nope, at a party.

Three little dots dance on the screen, and I watch them eagerly, wondering what he has to say. I wait until his message finally appears.

Chris:

Just wanted to send you something.

Gabi:

A million dollars?

Chris:

If I had it, it would be yours.

A warm feeling spreads through my chest as I smile at my phone, noticing he's typing again. His next message pops up, along with a link that makes my grin widen. I already know what it is.

I sigh, leaning off the table, my phone firmly in hand as I make my way through the party. It's kind of boring in there, and the alcohol hasn't hit me yet.

Pushing through the doors, the brisk wind slaps me as I step outside and close the door behind me. I settle onto the steps, clicking on the link Chris sent me, which leads me to a new song.

He sends me songs sometimes. Songs that remind him of me, that he enjoys, that he thinks I'll enjoy too. Whatever the reason, I always look forward to these texts. Pressing play on those songs makes me feel connected to him in a way.

Chris:

Reminded me of you.

I smile, leaning back until my head gently meets the door. He knows me so well. Sometimes I wonder if he's the only person in the world who really understands me, maybe even more than I understand myself.

I click on the song and press play, closing my eyes as the music begins to fill the air. It wraps around me, sending shivers down my spine—or maybe it's just the alcohol finally kicking in. Whatever it is, I lean into the moment, letting myself be carried away by the melody.

Every lyric feels like it was written just for me, and I squeeze my eyes tighter as my throat starts to burn and my nose tingles with the threat of tears, frustration bubbling up inside me. Fuck.

Why does he know me this well?

Why is he the person I had to fall in love with?

"It's not the right time."

My eyes snap open at the sound of my roommate Madi's voice. I quickly sit up, pausing the song and blink away the wetness building in my eyes.

"The sooner you tell her, the sooner you can get it over with," I hear her boyfriend, Lucas, reply.

"I know," Madi replies. "But… she's my best friend, Lucas. I can't just drop this on her."

My body tenses as I hear those words. Unless Madi has suddenly found a new best friend, she must be talking about me. At least, I hope so. Because if I find out someone else has taken my place, I'm gonna—

"I want to live with you, princesa." My eyes widen at Lucas's words. "I've spent my whole life waiting for you, and I didn't even know it," he tells her. "And now that I have you, I want every second, every minute, every day with you."

Wait a minute.

"I know," Madi replies with a sigh, her voice tinged with uncertainty. "I want that too, but…"

"We can wait," he says. "You're graduating next year. We can hold off until then?"

I push myself off the steps, rounding the corner where those two are tangled up in each other like they're two seconds away from making front-page news.

I would have thought after what happened last year, Lucas would have learned by now not to get caught, but apparently not.

I clear my throat, and watch as they jump apart, Madi gasping at the sight of me standing behind her.

"How much did you hear?" she asks, her frown deepening as she glances back at her boyfriend.

I shrug. "Enough to know you're leaving me," I say, gesturing to her boyfriend with a disgusted expression on my face. "And that you two seriously need to get a room."

Lucas chuckles, but Madi sighs, taking a step closer toward me. "I wanted to tell you," she says with a frown. "I just didn't know how."

I nod in understanding. If Lucas isn't over at our apartment, then Madeline is over at his. Those two can't seem to spend a night away from each other, so it's only logical that they'd want to move in together.

"You know men are messy, right?" I tease.

My best friend smiles, recognizing that I'm giving her my blessing of sorts. "Can't be messier than you."

I click my tongue, shaking my head in mock indignation. "That's low."

She chuckles, the sound filling the air with warmth. "So, you're not mad?"

I shake my head, a hint of sadness creeping in, but I press my lips together in a smile. "No, of course not. I am going to miss you, though," I tell her, already dreading going back to an empty apartment. Madeline and I have lived together since we were paired together in the same dorm freshman year. It's going to be tough not having her around anymore. "But I get it," I say with a shrug. "You want to live with your boyfriend. I just give you a week before you're begging to move back in."

"No way," Lucas says, wrapping an arm around Madi's waist. "I can't wait to live with her." He gently turns her face until their lips meet, and they start making out in front of me.

I mean… come on.

"Ugh." I shove them playfully. "I'm leaving before I have to witness you guys fuck again."

Madi pulls her lips away from Lucas, her eyebrows furrowing as she looks at me warily. "Wait. What do you mean, again ?"

I grin mischievously, blowing them a kiss. "Bye."

"She saw us have sex?" I hear Madi ask her boyfriend, who just laughs in response.

Yeah, I witnessed it, and I almost wished I could pour bleach on my eyes to erase the image. I mean, her room was right there . Two steps and I could have avoided another trauma.

The music pulses through my chest as I step back inside, making my way toward the front room where our other friends are hanging out.

I sink onto the couch beside Leila, flashing her a smile. "I like you."

Her lips twitch with amusement. "You're drunk."

Huh. Didn't even realize it, but maybe I am. "Doesn't change the fact that I like you." I playfully boop her on the nose. "You know why?"

"Never do that again," she says, wiping her nose with a playful scowl. "But why?"

I sigh, leaning my head against her shoulder. "Because you still have your own place."

"That's it?" she asks with a chuckle. "You have low standards," she teases.

"Yeah," I admit with a nod. "Rosie moved in with Grayson. Madi's moving in with Lucas—"

"Wait. She is?" Leila's eyes widen with surprise.

"Yep," I confirm with a sigh. "But I like that you didn't move in with Aiden."

"I'd move in with her in a heartbeat," Aiden chimes in.

"I like having my own place," Leila tells him, lifting a brow.

"Liar," he replies with a grin. "You hate it when I have to go back home to get more clothes."

Leila rolls her eyes. "Only because Tiger whines whenever you're gone," she says, narrowing her eyes at him. "That's the only reason."

It's true. Their cat is head over heels for Aiden. I mean, it's practically obsessed with him. It hates me though, which, same, because it's a cat, and cats are evil.

Aiden just chuckles, wrapping his arms around his girlfriend. "I love it when you lie to me. Tell me you hate me, baby."

Leila narrows her eyes at Aiden. "I hate you."

He grins, leaning down to press his lips against hers.

Grayson groans. "You two need help."

I let out a scoff. It's not often I agree with Grayson, but he's right. They do.

Aiden and Leila love to tease each other, and as much as I want to hate their little foreplay love fest going on, it's nice seeing them so happy.

"You're just grumpy Rosie's in New York," Aiden tells his best friend.

"I'm not," Grayson lies, downing the rest of his drink.

He is.

Rosalie is an amazing fashion designer, and works with Grayson's mom in New York sometimes, so whenever she's gone, he turns into a grumpy asshole. Not too different from how he normally is.

"Fuck," he groans, running a hand through his hair in frustration. "This party sucks."

Aiden chuckles. "It's okay to admit you miss her, dude."

Grayson meets Aiden's gaze and swallows hard, his expression softening. "Fine. I miss her. Happy?"

I swallow. I know how he feels. Except Rosie will be back in a few days, whereas I don't know when the next time I'll see Chris is.

My phone buzzes, and I pull it out, seeing his name light up the screen. A familiar ache grips my stomach, reminding me of the distance between us.

As I said.

Love fucking sucks.