Future song lyrics

“Tell me about your mum,” I whispered. Even though I was falling asleep, and the light through the curtains was more than enough evidence of the early hours of the morning, I didn’t want this to end. This comforting bubble we’d found ourselves in where I was tucked up against his chest.

I hadn’t meant to become so…snug. But he’d let me and who was I to turn down a cuddle? I needed it after the enormous amount of drama of the past few days, each one more unbearable than the last. What I hadn’t told Reuben was that I’d woken up one morning on my kitchen floor with the night guard staring at me with his phone in his hand. The next night, I’d woken up standing on the stairs. I’d been too terrified to even breathe. I was back on the sleeping tablets, which were obviously not working, and all I’d been able to think about… Well. I’d finally caved in and come back here, to where I felt safe and knew I would sleep.

Where someone I’d started to trust could keep an eye on me.

I hadn’t slept properly for weeks, and I was constantly tired and out of it. Josh had laughed at me almost falling off the studio chair, and he might well laugh. He was the only sane one out of us all. Well, maybe Lee was too, seeing as he managed to block out reality in a way I’d never mastered.

I envied Musa with his absolute love for his family and stern conviction that a little bit of belly fat would not turn our fans into rabid monsters. They’d still love him. Because he was The Musa. And, he said, at least he wasn’t pumping his veins full of junk. That was a massive side-eye towards the man who was not there.

God only knew what they’d done with Bash. Nobody would tell us anything, and while I’d sat there fretting, Josh had just smiled, reading through my lyrics, and given me that look he did so well.

“What’s his name?” he’d asked.

I’d not said a word. I usually had no problem boasting about my conquests, laughing as some poor bastard off Hinge was held down and forced to sign multiple NDAs after a night of mindless fun in my bed.

It had never been like this. Not like what I had here. And Josh had been absolutely right. I’d written about a boy who didn’t care who I was as long as I came back to him.

That part hadn’t even been true, and yet…

Here I was, with his fingers combing through my hair, mine tapping gently at his naked chest where his top had ridden up to almost under his chin.

I loved his chest. Hairless and smooth with that plumpness to his nipples that had me swallowing down the saliva pooling in my mouth.

Which was why I’d asked about his mum. Anything to make me NOT think about his skin, the plumpness of his lips, that mass of hair that looked like a wire brush but was actually super soft. The dampness still lingered from his shower, making each strand curl into a perfect little spiral.

Reuben.

Stupid name. Stupid crush.

“My mum?” He snorted. “She wasn’t a bad mum. She had her issues, but she did love me. I have no massive childhood trauma or anything like that. She was just a kid. Got herself knocked up. Tried hard and fell in with the wrong crowd. Classic story. Doesn’t mean she didn’t love me.”

“Good,” I said. I was glad. He deserved love. All the love.

“She’s also stunningly beautiful, tall, and shapely. Gorgeous eyes. She’s really funny. I don’t see her anymore, and that’s her choice. I respect that. I mean, it’s not because she doesn’t care. It’s… I dunno. Maybe she’s embarrassed. And I think she feels, if she came back into my life, she might just push me off the tracks again. But she’s proud of me. Sends me texts on my birthday.”

“Is that enough? I mean, do you want to see her?”

“For now, it’s enough. I’m okay with it. Is that bad, d’you think?”

“Nah. I think being okay with things is good. Comfortable. Like you just go with the flow and let things happen and there’s no need to cause drama, you know what I’m saying?”

“Yeah, I do. And there is no drama. Not anymore. Dad sends her texts too. Tells her how I am. The odd photo.”

“That’s…civilised. And your dad? I mean?”

“Mum had…a steady stream of gentlemen who paid her bills. In a seedy…kind of…”

“So she was a…?”

“Yeah. But it’s not always black and white. She couldn’t hold down a job, and she had me, so…yeah. My dad didn’t know I existed until I was twelve. Mum went down for dealing and I went into the foster care system, and my dad came forward. He’d read about her case in the local paper. So we did DNA tests, and it turned out I was his son.”

“Wow.”

“Again, not as traumatic as you think. I mean, I could have been stuck in a children’s home. Instead, I had a dad. A permanent placement and all that, and I was a little shithead. Made Dad’s life hell. But you know what? He stepped up.”

“I can imagine him doing that.”

“He did. Taught me a thing or two. I…kind of have…uh. A record. Juvenile stuff, but still.”

“Well. I have several records. Most of them have gone platinum.”

He laughed at my bad joke. Snuggled into me.

“You’re such a dick.”

“I know.”

“That’s all in the past. I have a clean licence now. Own my car. Full-time job.”

“Girlfriend?”

Stupid question, again, but I wanted to keep him talking.

“Shut up. We need to sleep.”

“So no special lady then?”

“Not sure any special lady would be overly pleased having her boyfriend share a bed with The Dieter.”

“Hate that name. Going to bin it permanently as soon as I can.”

He went quiet. Stroked my hair.

“Dad…” he began, then cringed. I could feel it in the air, the small shudder that ran through him.

“Your dad, what?” I kept my voice soft. Perhaps others enjoyed my stupid raspy singing voice, but me, personally? I loved hearing Reuben talk. His soft vowels. The slight London accent. The way he smiled through his sentences. For someone who’d flunked out of school, he was well spoken. And kind. And…fuck.

“My dad wasn’t always like this either.” I had a feeling that wasn’t what he’d intended to say. “He used to drink too much and was a bit of a loan shark on this estate. Made some real enemies. People turning up at our door shouting. It used to scare the living daylights out of me.”

“Ugh.” I got that.

“But I think having me here changed all that, and we made a deal. If I stopped my stupidity, in return he’d stop his. We both stuck to the deal and here we are. Things are okay now.”

“That’s really cool. I’m glad you sorted yourself out.”

“Yeah.” He was looking at me. Properly taking me in, and I was kind of drowning in his eyes. He had really pretty eyes.

“My dad says you have a crush on me.” He almost whispered the last words out. “I’ve told him he’s delusional.”

“He’s not wrong. But you already know that.”

Silence.

More silence.

My stomach knotted itself into a mess.

“Go to sleep, G. Honestly.”

He turned around so he had his back to me, Mr Snuggles in his arms. I didn’t mind because this? This was exactly what I’d craved for days. Weeks. My face in his shoulder, arm across his chest, my hand gripping his wrist. He giggled softly. I did too. Because I could. Because he’d let me stay.

When I woke up, the TV was blasting in the front room, and it sounded like a large herd of cows were line dancing in the flat upstairs.

And there went the hoover.

Fuck.

We’d both rolled during the night, so the duvet was on the floor and Reubs was flat on his back with…

A giant boner.

I laughed out loud. Nudged him.

“Dude.”

Dead to the world.

I whacked him on the arm, making him lift his head in shock.

“What?”

“Dude?” I gestured towards his…yeah. The tip of his dick was peeking out of his Y-front. Who the hell wore Y-fronts these days? Reuben, apparently. They looked…

In panicked embarrassment, he tried to get up as I threw my arms around his waist and held on.

“Calm down!” I hissed. “It’s perfectly normal. No biggie.”

“Let go.”

“No.” Rude. And here I was again, not respecting personal boundaries and all that.

“It’s not…you know…you.”

“Of course it’s not. Involuntary boners happen to us all.”

“Gray.”

Embarrassment. Written all over his face and in the way his shoulders hunched.

“Don’t,” I said softly. “Not on my behalf. I really don’t care. Do you think it’s the first time I’ve seen a boner? No. It happens. You just roll over. Move on.”

“Not much space to roll over.” There was the tiniest hint of a giggle somewhere in there, one I decided to roll with. Because I was an idiot.

“I could help you with that. If you need help.”

“No!”

Okay.

“I suck dick. I’m really good at it.” Dickhead of the century, me. No control over my mouth. “I bet you I could have you come, in like, a few minutes. A nice big orgasm. Quietly, though. We don’t want to scandalise your dad.”

He turned around and stared at me, his face full of mortified…amusement?

“You seriously proposing I let you sort out my involuntary…” He looked down at his crotch. Pinged the waistband. I had no idea why, but it made my own dick twitch. Yeah. I. WAS. A. DICK.

“Nothing I haven’t done before. A bit of friendly assistance.”

“Gray,” he said again. Then he rolled over and lent down. Grabbed my chin between his fingers.

I had no idea what it was with him, but he turned me on. Flipped every switch in my body.

“Gray, you’re a dick. And…no. Thank you. Nice offer, but…”

I told you I was insane. But this here was a whole new surge of early morning insanity. Because I was staring at his lips. Staring at him. His eyes crinkled at the edges, like he was holding back laughter.

There was no fear in there. Zero. And it made me antsy, because if he’d…if there had been a flicker of it?

“I’m…can I?” I whispered.

I wanted to. So badly.

I expected him to back off. He didn’t.

Stand-off. Him there, leaning over me. Me on my back, hand in his hair…

Moving down…

Back of his neck…

Every little strand of hair on my own neck standing up.

I licked my bottom lip.

He didn’t move.

“What am I supposed to be answering?” he stuttered out.

I couldn’t even remember that myself, so I gently rose up, just a few inches. Pulled his neck towards me so I could properly reach.

And I kissed him. The softest of baby kisses. Nothing hot and heavy and harsh. I didn’t need that. I just. I needed. I wanted…this. So much.

With every small breath out of his mouth, I expected him to pull off, to whack me on the shoulder, tell me what an idiot I was. Instead, his lips were still on mine. Slowly kissing me back.

Gentle touches of lips on lips, a tiny bit of wetness. The warmth of his tongue against mine.

“You guys need breakfast?” A firm knuckle rap at the door. Reuben froze, then sat bolt upright, looking more bewildered than I was comfortable with.

“Shit,” he said.

“No shit,” the one brain cell I had left replied. At least his dad hadn’t opened the door. “Reubs, it’s okay.”

“It’s really not.”

“Yes it is. We just had a little kiss. The world’s not going to come to an end because of that, is it?” I was whispering, but he still shushed me with a finger over his mouth.

He stared at me silently, still other than the smooth skin over his ribcage that rose and fell with each breath. Then he closed his eyes and swallowed.

“I’m not sure about any of this,” he said. “I’m really not.”

“That’s okay.” Finally figuring out how to use my limbs, I sat up and took his hand.

Not enough.

I tugged at him. All that bare skin and stupid Y-fronts and that chin that fit so perfectly against my shoulder.

“It’s okay. It’s just who we are.” I had no words, no wildly romantic future song lyrics to offer him.

I was an idiot. And I’d started all this. And to be honest? I didn’t regret it.

“Reubs,” I whispered.

He said nothing back.