TWENTY-ONE

Oliva watched the sky light up with orange and yellow and let out her first full breath of the day. "Whew, that was a long one."

"Hey, babe, you ready for your inaugural ride?" Zane called out as he approached.

"If only that were possible," she replied regretfully. "I've got a thing with heights."

Zane rested his hand on her shoulder. "Why in the hell did you have me fix it then?" He bent over and peered into her face. "It was your dream, a shot at happiness."

"I know. But that doesn't mean I want to actually get in a gondola and be lifted fifty feet in the air and dangle precariously while I wait for the laws of nature to take over."

"If I'd known, I could've programmed it so it only lifts a couple of feet off the ground."

Olivia covered his hand. "That's lovely. But seeing everyone enjoy it today was all I wanted. Making something that was abandoned valuable again was my motivation."

"Feel like there's a metaphor in there that's meant for me."

"Not really." She stepped away. "I was broken for a long time and appreciated the people who never gave up on me—who saw that I was capable of more and one day would be whole again."

"Direct hit."

"Not intended as one." She let out a breath. "So, are you avoiding me, or am I avoiding you?"

"I think we're both spooked and acting accordingly," he said, taking her hand and leading her to a bench facing west.

"I've been waiting for you to say goodbye." She shivered and sat forward. "I know that I shanghaied you into an affair and will eventually craft a beautifully poignant apology for leading you astray."

"Liv, we both know that I can't be led anywhere. Least of all, a place I don't want to go."

"I was hoping you'd accept my theory so I could heap some blame on your shoulders." She slid a ring on her finger round and round. "I want your lack of interest in an entanglement to be the sole reason why our little tryst is circling the drain slowly and somewhat painfully."

"Happy to take all the blame." He covered her hand. "But I don't think our missteps have anything to do with my initial reluctance."

Olivia studied the harsh planes of Zane's face and admitted that he would always be a puzzle she couldn't put together. "I suppose it doesn't matter either way since we've taken a turn on the dance floor and found ourselves incompatible."

"We're many things, but mismatched isn't one of them."

"If that were true, you wouldn't be cantankerous one minute and stay away the next."

"I think you're reading the map wrong, Liv." He shook his head. "The truth is…the closer we get, the more I have to lose. I have never been this vulnerable in my life. And less capable of handling the unknown." He tightened his grip. "My uncertainty and fear are triggering a lot of bad behavior." Letting out a disgusted huff, he shook his head. "I'm sorry, Liv. You deserve a hell of a lot better than me."

"Thank you for the apology." She rested her head against his shoulder, feeling utterly defeated. If he didn't feel worthy, there was nothing she could do. "I admire how calm you are." She straightened and shifted away. "I'm a mess inside, and you're in total control. Must have something to do with your combat experience."

"Babe, going into battle is a lot easier than opening myself to what I'm fairly sure is utter destruction," his fingers gripped the bench, "of what's left of me."

"So, is it time to walk away from our short entanglement before we do too much damage to each other?"

"I don't want to, even though it's tactically the best option." Zane gusted out a big breath. "I gotta protect you, Liv. You deserve the best a man has to offer."

"Don't you dare drop your fear of failure in my lap." She moved to the edge of the bench. "Just admit that being single is your jam. Telling me I need protection is a smokescreen that I won't let you hide behind." She squinted her eyes, making the colors in the sky melt together. "You got to me, Zane, in a way no one ever has."

"Same, Liv."

"Another life-changing declaration said with so little emotion." She let out a mirthless laugh. "It's like you're telling me about a plumbing issue or the expected weather for next week."

Zane dropped his head. "If I don't keep an iron fist on my emotions, I'll blow something up or start howling at the moon."

Folding her hands carefully, Olivia swallowed all the feelings that being in Zane's company produced. There was no happy ending to their tale, and it was time to accept it. Trying to love a man who was tied in more knots than a macramé plant holder was madness. And that wasn't anything she needed to take on.

She wasn't a fool for love, after all.

Especially with a man who had zero interest in exploring his vulnerability. Not that she was particularly enthusiastic about the prospect. But that certainly wasn't the point. Sighing, she closed her eyes and told all her soft emotions to take cover.

"I knew early on that the care and feeding of a woman like you was beyond me."

"What the hell does that mean?"

Zane lifted his head slowly. "You're not a good-time girl. You are the real deal and deserve a man who can commit."

"And who says that you don't have that to give?" She pushed herself to her feet. "Maybe the lie that you're not capable is one you invest in so that you don't have to risk losing again."

"That's rich, Liv. Especially coming from you."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"You ready for that kind of truth to be laid down?"

She leaned down, so their faces were close. "I have dealt with the hard cold truth for so long that I can't remember a time when I didn't."

He groaned. "I can tell by the look on your face that you don't truly believe that."

Fury filled her body, and she let it unfurl, knowing that any emotion was better than the pain radiating from her heart. She embraced the rush of adrenaline and was ready for a good brawl. Shouting and raising her fist to the injustice was much more appealing than examining the untruths she comforted herself with.

She fisted her hands and firmed her resolve, knowing she could handle anything the man had to share. "I'm listening, Zane."

Was he poking the bear? Absolutely.

Did he regret it?

Not even a little.

Olivia was hiding behind some well-constructed lies, and he was damn tired of it. "I'm not the only one with demons, Liv. You've got a whole bunch of your own. Thad's ghost is alive and well, and you're keeping him nice and close, so you never have to risk your heart again."

"How dare you!" she replied with a low, tight tone.

He stood, towering over her. "Oh, that's right, your emotional acuity can't be questioned. Happy, positive Liv doesn't have any hidden monsters that gnaw on her bones, making her question if truly opening herself up to another is a good idea." He slapped his heart. "It's just the scarred vet that has shit to work out."

Stepping forward, she pressed her finger into his chest. "You take that back."

He covered her hand and felt his anger drain away. "I can't, babe. You're just as frightened as I am. Your packaging is just a lot better and makes everyone, including yourself, believe you're ready to move forward." Letting out a shaky breath, he moved closer. "I didn't pay close enough attention when you admitted I could break your heart. I'm your litmus test, the same way you're mine."

"I don't want to take the damn test, Zane."

"I know, but it's been given, and our next move will determine whether we get a pass or fail."

Nothing, his little chatterbox was blinking furiously. If he had to guess, he'd say she was trying to come up with a rebuttal that would light his ass on fire.

He crossed his arms and tried to make sense of the feelings rioting through his body. If he were more evolved, he'd be able to admit that it was anxiety and vulnerability.

He'd always found a way to dominate and flourish.

Until that op.

That wasn't an experience he needed to repeat. And being in an actual relationship with Olivia all but guaranteed it. How could he willingly walk into what was sure to be the second-greatest failure of his life?

"Love isn't a test, Zane. It's a chance to be the best version of ourselves."

"Same thing."

She stepped in front of him and tugged on his arm. "Your past doesn't define your future. And I don't mean that in some bullshit greeting card way. Can't we always do better?"

"Yes. And I know I should just get over it—bury the memories of the men I couldn't bring home alongside their corpses." He took her hand and squeezed. "I'm a fucking cliché. And there isn't a damn thing I can do about it."

"You're no such thing, Zane Hawker. You're merely mortal and paying the unimaginable price for what your country asked you to do in the name of democracy."

"Don't give it a high shine, Liv. What I did with the men I served with was down-and-dirty warfare. We did the things so few could, and…"

"Made sacrifices," Olivia finished quietly. "But none of that is truly the reason you're walking away. So, let's not pretend."

"And what's making you walk away, Liv?" He tipped her chin so they looked at one another in the fading light.

"I'm smart enough to know that unrequited love is bullshit." She moved out of reach. "I can't continue chasing you, hoping I'll someday be more interesting than the pain you keep close."

"Believe it or not, I've tried." He looked up at the sky and couldn't ignore the fact that her happiness was more important than his own. He had a lot of work ahead of him, and when he'd be on the other side of it, he couldn't say. How could I ask a woman like Liv to wait?

"No," she whispered. "You allowed fear to be more important than love. Our fragile moments of connection triggered you, and instead of doing something about it, you're choosing to hunker down behind your walls. Well, enjoy troll life, Zane. And don't worry, I'll leave you be." She took a step back and then another. "I knew you were a lot of things, but I never thought being a coward was one of them."

He watched her stride toward the house and accepted that perhaps that was exactly what he was. Because if he weren't, he wouldn't let her walk away, taking his heart with her.