Chapter Nine

Three days passed without a text from Colin, and she'd be lying if she said she didn't miss the little ping her phone made, softly vibrating against whatever surface she'd set it on each time he messaged.

She'd be lying if she said she didn't miss him.

So maybe it wasn't the wisest decision, but Truly opened Instagram to treat herself to a private dose of Colin McCrory. She could drool over his abs and his arms and his smile from the safety of a screen and as long as she didn't screw up and text him any screenshots, he'd remain none the wiser that she maybe knew what she wanted more than she was letting on.

In the most abstract sense of the word. The lustiest sense, at least.

Five minutes. She'd peruse his profile for five minutes and put her phone away, get back to work.

Thirty minutes later, somehow, she was 158 weeks deep in Colin's past, heart squeezing sweetly as she stared at a picture of a girl who couldn't be older than five perched on Colin's knee. Her lopsided pigtails brushed his chin as she painted his nails pink, more polish on his skin than on his nails, but Colin smiled soppily, looking for all the world like there was nowhere else he'd rather be than getting a messy manicure from a preschooler whose face was concealed with a giant heart emoji.

The caption simply read, quality time with my best girl.

When she imagined her future, kids were definitely something she wanted. Five years from now, maybe ten, the timeline dependent on if and when she met someone she wanted to have kids with and, to be honest, if said person had good health insurance because, face it, health care in this country sucked.

She was only twenty-seven, in no big hurry to rush into that chapter of her life, but she'd be lying if she said the sight of Colin smiling fondly at that little girl didn't do something to her ovaries. Metaphorically.

The way her heart simultaneously squeezed and swelled was a lot harder to ignore and even more complicated to unpack. Which was why it took a second to realize the bright red heart staring back at her from beneath Colin's picture wasn't a figment of her imagination.

She'd accidentally liked the photo.

The photo from 158 weeks ago.

Shit.

As fast as she could, she clicked that heart again, tension melting from her shoulders as it shifted back to black in the blink of an eye. Oh thank God. Her head flopped against the back of her couch and she covered her face with both hands, muffling her frazzled laugh.

Okay, that was it. Officially no more Insta-stalking for her. The universe need not deliver any more signs. She had more than learned her—

Her phone buzzed against her stomach and her heart, still beating too fast, stuttered and stalled before sinking.

Colin (11:09 p.m.):I saw that.

She whimpered.

Stupid technology. Even stupider lusty thoughts. Stupid her for playing with fire when she knew better.

Truly (11:10 p.m.):Saw what?

Even as she hit send, she cringed.

Colin (11:11 p.m.):Really? That's how we're playing it?

How many times could she claim she'd drunk texted him within the span of two weeks before it started to look like she had a drinking problem? She cringed. If she had to ask...

Truly (11:12 p.m.):I was just scrolling my feed.

Colin (11:13 p.m.):A picture of me with my goddaughter from three years ago just happened to appear on your feed?

Colin followed that jibe up with a GIF of Marcia Brady quipping, sure, Jan.

She scoffed loudly into her silent apartment. That sassy son of a bitch was lucky that she, for some reason that was utterly beyond her at the moment, liked him. Otherwise a comment like that might've earned him a solid ghosting.

Truly (11:15 p.m.):It was an accident, you ass.

Colin (11:15 p.m.):You accidentally scrolled through three years of my photos? Or you accidentally liked the picture?

Colin (11:15 p.m.):I just think it's important we're on the same page.

Her lips twitched. Clearly, she was beyond hope if a smart-ass remark like that made her smile.

Truly (11:16 p.m.):Screw you, McCrory.

Colin (11:16 p.m.):Promises, promises.

The heat that had collected in her cheeks spread down, down, down, her toes curling in the fluffy pile of her bright blue area rug.

When, when, was she going to learn not to bite off more than she could chew?

She backed out of her convo with Colin and tapped on the one just beneath, tapping out a quick text to Lulu.

Truly (11:17 p.m.):Having a crush as an adult is so embarrassing.

Calling it a crush felt wrong, the word too tiny. But anything else felt just as ill-fitting, romance too big, infatuation too airy, desire too... hot, even if it was a little closer to the truth.

Lulu, bless her, responded almost instantly.

Lulu (11:17 p.m.):what did you do??

Truly huffed.

Truly (11:17 p.m.):Why are you assuming I did something?

Lulu (11:18 p.m.):oh sorry were you texting me after 11 on a school night for a non-emergency?

Lulu (11:18 p.m.):ah shit, I just called a weeknight a school night. i'm old ??

Lulu sent a GIF of Jamie Lee Curtis in Freaky Friday bemoaning that she was like the crypt keeper.

Truly (11:19 p.m.):I love you but shut up and have your age-related crisis later. I DID SOMETHING BAD.

Lulu (11:20 p.m.):at least tell me it felt so good

Lulu (11:21 p.m.):can you feel the flames on your skin?

Lulu (11:21 p.m.):was it the most fun you ever had?

Lulu (11:21 p.m.):could you do it over and over and over again?

Truly (11:22 p.m.):Stop it. This is serious.

Lulu (11:22 p.m.):and so is my adoration for the one and only Taylor Alison Swift

Truly (11:22 p.m.):Amazing how you chose to capitalize that and nothing else.

Lulu (11:23 p.m.):i believe in putting proper respect on the name. now tell momma Lulu what you did

Truly (11:23 p.m.):I liked one of Colin McCrory's photos on IG from 158 weeks back and he saw it and called me out ??

Lulu (11:24 p.m.):BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Lulu (11:24 p.m.):OMG YOU DUMB BITCH I LOVE YOUR STUPID ASS SO MUCH

Truly rolled her eyes.

Truly (11:25 p.m.):Haha so funny! Truly made an ass of herself! So hilarious! LOL. What a knee slapper.

Lulu (11:26 p.m.):1) we can tone down the sarcasm and 2) who the fuck says knee slapper??? gen-z grandma

Lulu (11:26 p.m.): also for the record it's so cute how you say his whole name as if i know another colin

Even as Truly rolled her eyes, her cheeks burned.

Truly (11:27 p.m.):I asked for help, not to be razzed within an inch of my life.

Lulu (11:28 p.m.):bold of you to assume i can't do both

Lulu (11:28 p.m.):i just don't understand what you're waiting for

Lulu (11:28 p.m.):clearly you like the guy

Lulu (11:29 p.m.):clearly he likes you

Truly (11:29 p.m.):It's more complicated than that.

Lulu (11:30 p.m.):bullshit. it's only as complicated as you make it and babe i don't understand but you seem bound and determined to make this more complicated than it needs to be

Lulu (11:30 p.m.):you had a good time the other day right? you'd probably have a good time if you grabbed coffee with him again right?

Truly (11:31 p.m.):I suppose.

She could concede that much.

Lulu (11:32 p.m.):now pretend the podcast isn't a thing. you're done recording. you have zero professional obligation to see him ever again. you walk out the door and that's it. never again will colin mccrory darken your proverbial door. how do you feel?

Even though it was strictly hypothetical, her heart shrank.

Truly (11:33 p.m.):Okay. I get it.

Lulu (11:34 p.m.):no one regrets the chances they took

Lulu (11:34 p.m.):people regret the chances they didn't take

She snorted. Now that was an utter crock of shit.

Truly (11:35 p.m.):Okay, Wayne Gretzky. If I went bungee jumping and broke both my legs, I can safely say I'd regret it.

Lulu (11:37 p.m.):you asked for my opinion so here it is

Lulu (11:39 p.m.):i think you do know what you want and it scares you so you're looking for an excuse not to take the flying leap of faith we both know you want to. the one the truly six years ago would've taken in a heartbeat, without question

Lulu was right; six years ago, Truly would have gone after what she wanted, consequences be damned. But that girl had unwavering faith in happily ever afters.

Lulu (11:40 p.m.):take my advice or don't, but i'm not going to be the one to tell you not to take a chance just because that's what you want to hear

Lulu (11:41 p.m.):go out with him or don't. take it slow or go full throttle pedal to the metal

Lulu (11:41 p.m.):do what you need to do

Lulu (11:42 p.m.):i'd just hate to see you let what could be an amazing opportunity pass you by because you're scared

She wasn't scared. She was... discerning. She had self-preservation.

She cringed.

She had self-preservation except for when it came to Colin McCrory and Instagram.

Truly (11:43 p.m.):You've given me a lot to think about. Thank you.

Lulu (11:43 p.m.):ugh code for you're gonna ignore me

Lulu (11:44 p.m.):whatever let the record show i tried

Lulu (11:44 p.m.):you're lucky i love your stubborn ass ??

Truly (11:44 p.m.):Love you, too. Even though the way you text makes me want to strangle you ??

Lulu (11:45 p.m.):????

Truly flipped back to her conversation with Colin, frowning at the wall of unread texts that awaited her.

Colin (11:32 p.m.):I'm sorry if my last text crossed a line.

Colin (11:33 p.m.):See, the problem is, I'm not really sure where the line is?

Colin (11:33 p.m.):I'm hoping you'll tell me.

Colin (11:34 p.m.):But if you'd rather this whole conversation be another one of those things we pretend didn't happen, that's okay, too.

Colin (11:35 p.m.):Cards on the table, I'd rather it not be something we pretend didn't happen.

Colin (11:36 p.m.):But I'm following your lead.

Colin (11:42 p.m.):Sorry for the sexiest text.

Colin (11:43 p.m.):That was supposed to say sextuple, not sexiest. Fucking autocorrect. You know what? To keep what remains of my dignity intact, I'm going to say goodnight. So, goodnight.

She frowned. Apparently, she didn't have the market cornered on overthinking.

Truly (11:46 p.m.):You're fine. No lines crossed.

Truly (11:47 p.m.):And let's not discuss dignity when I'm the one who liked a photo from 158 weeks ago.

Three dots danced across her screen, stopping and starting as Colin typed, either writing the world's lengthiest text or deleting what he'd already written. Finally, her phone vibrated, a new message appearing on the screen.

Colin (11:52 p.m.):So, I take it we're not pretending it didn't happen?

What was the use when they both knew otherwise?

Truly (11:53 p.m.):I think at this point, pretending would be silly.

Colin (11:55 p.m.):It was already silly.

She rolled her eyes. He sounded like Lulu.

Who, Truly could begrudgingly admit, had a point. Not that she was ready to take that flying leap of faith Lulu talked about, but Truly could take a baby step.

A teeny-tiny one.

Truly (11:56 p.m.):Look, I'm still figuring some stuff out, but if you want to send me bizarre facts about bull penises, I wouldn't be entirely opposed.

She read back the text twice before hitting send.

Colin (11:58 p.m.):Are you asking me to text you bizarre facts about bull penises?

She huffed, unsure whether he was being difficult or legitimately asking for clarification. She couldn't tell over text, not the way she'd be able to if Colin was standing in front of her and they were having this conversation face-to-face.

Truly (11:59 p.m.):No. I'm saying you don't have to go totally radio silent just because of what I said the other day.

If her last text wasn't clear, she prayed this one would be.

Colin (12:00 a.m.):Do you want me to text you?

Truly (12:01 a.m.):If you want.

Colin (12:03 a.m.): I'm asking what you want, Truly.

Her stomach twisted, Colin's question nudging her a little too close to taking that flying leap of faith for comfort.

She hesitated, thumb hovering over the screen. It would be so easy to put her phone on do not disturb, so easy to simply not respond. But that would only be delaying the inevitable. In three days, they'd be back in the studio and her gut told her Colin wasn't going to let this go. Not unless she asked.

She didn't want to, and she didn't want this conversation to end just because she was too afraid to be honest. With Colin or with herself.

Truly (12:06 a.m.):Yeah, I guess I do.

As soon as her phone buzzed, Truly let out a breath she was very well aware she'd been holding.

Colin (12:08 a.m.):Did you know pizzle is the Middle English word for penis?

A laugh burst from her lips, taking her by surprise and leaving her breathless as she sank back into the couch, tension bleeding from her muscles, leaving her loose and lax and lighter than she'd felt in weeks.

Truly (12:09 a.m.):You were just dying to whip that out, weren't you?

Colin (12:10 a.m.):Was that a pizzle pun?

Truly (12:11 a.m.):You're a little odd, McCrory.

Colin (12:12 a.m.): Right back at you, St. James.

That night, she fell asleep with a smile on her face.

***

Caitlin greeted her in the hall outside the studio with an exuberant hug and an air-kiss administered against both cheeks. "You're here! Thank God."

"I'm not late, am I? We said five, right?"

"God no. You're fine." Caitlin waved off her concern and wrapped a hand around Truly's wrist, tugging her toward the door at a faster clip than Truly's shorter legs could comfortably keep up with. "Colin's just been driving me insane. He got here forty minutes early and he won't stop talking. The last time he was like this was when he was—" Caitlin's mouth shut with an audible snap as she clammed up out of nowhere. "Can you forget I said that?"

"Said what?"

"Thank you," she breathed, mistaking Truly's confusion for acceptance. "Anyway, I'm so glad you're here. Maybe now he'll calm down."

Truly tried not to read into that and instantly failed. "Why would, um, why would that matter? Me being here?"

"Because." Caitlin made it sound like the answer was obvious, and maybe it was, but it was sure eluding Truly. "He promised me weeks ago—after the first debacle of a recording—he'd be on his best behavior around you."

She couldn't help but laugh. "If this is his best behavior, do I even want to know what his worst looks like?"

Caitlin shot Truly an appraising look over her shoulder. "I don't know. Do you?"

Before she could unpack that, her phone vibrated from inside the back pocket of her jeans. "Sorry, one sec."

She tugged her phone free and unlocked the screen.

Colin (4:56 p.m.):How many covert pizzle jokes do you think we can make today before my sister catches on?

Colin (4:56 p.m.):Also, where are you? Caitie's getting on my last nerve.

"Oooh, that's a big smile. Special someone?"

"Um. Maybe?" Truly pocketed her phone. "I'm not sure yet."

"Ah, gotta love a maybe. Maybe you'll get married! Maybe they'll break your heart, crush your soul, and send you back to therapy! Who the hell knows?" Caitlin grinned and opened the door to the studio, gesturing her through with an exaggerated wave. "After you, my dear."

Truly slipped inside the room and—that was unfair.

In the center of Caitlin's ostentatious yellow sectional, Colin sat, long legs spread, bent elbows resting on his knees, phone cradled in his hands, the sleeves of his baby-blue button-down rucked up, revealing a swath of beauty-marked skin she wanted to put her mouth all over.

Taste, trace, mark.

Want, take, have.

She must've made a noise, a soft utterance of desire escaping her lips, because Colin looked up, brown eyes catching hers from across the room. Their gazes met, locked, her breath stalling, a quiet but not inaudible catch in her throat.

"St. James." Colin set his phone aside. "Long time no see."

Something inside her stomach fluttered. "Miss me, McCrory?"

He laughed and the butterflies trapped inside her chest fluttered frantically. "Don't let it go to your head."

She wouldn't dream of it.