7. Heidi

Trick doesn’t mention my meltdown at dinner or breakfast the next morning. Thankfully, he seems distracted the closer we get to the weekend, though he watches me when he thinks I’m not looking. He’s worried, but he’s also trying to be respectful and give me space to grieve.

I don’t know if I like it, but at least he’s not probing deeper into my business. The closer it gets to the date, though, the further I spiral, and that honestly scares me to death. I can’t go back to that nonstop visceral pain and anger.

I want to avoid everyone and hide under my duvet, but that’s not an option, so I try to continue with business as usual, which means heading over to the clubhouse with Sophia.

It’s the last place I want to be, particularly as the women of this club are nosy as fuck and I don’t want them dragging the truth out of me.

So, I keep a smile plastered on my face until it hurts my cheeks and I join in their conversation, even though I’d rather be at home alone. They talk nonstop about everything and nothing, and eventually, my mind begins to wade through the torment I can’t escape. I barely hear a word that’s said as I try to fight the internal battle waging inside me, but I’m losing. I’m overwrought and exhausted. Sleep is not coming easily right now, and I feel detached from everything except Sophia and Trick.

I glance down at Sophia, sitting on the playmats with Max, Elyse’s son, and little Maisie. My heart shatters. My baby should be sitting with them.

I can’t do this.

“Can you watch Sophia?” I ask, standing abruptly and grabbing my phone.

Pia steadies the table as it wobbles, and a look passes between Hope and Ophelia that I don’t want to interpret. It’s just Heidi acting crazy again, right?

“Are you okay?” Elyse’s voice is threaded with concern, which surprises me. I didn’t think these women liked me, but looking around the table, all I see is pinched, worried faces.

“I’m fine. I just need to make a call.” I lift my phone to show them before I walk away.

Making a beeline for the door outside to the patio area, my heart pounds so fast, I feel clammy. I need to get control of myself.

As the fresh air hits me, I suck it back, trying to calm the panic attack that is starting to gather momentum.

I can’t break down here. It’ll raise too many questions, and I’m not in a good enough place to make them believe this is all because of Theo’s upcoming anniversary.

I stumble over to the farthest picnic table and sink onto it, closing my eyes and lowering my head nearly to my knees as I try to breathe through my growing anxiety.

In and out. In and out.

One breath at a time.

The first few inhales are shaky, and my chest is tight, like bands are wrapped around my lungs, but eventually, it starts to ease.

I don’t know how long I sit out here, but the warmth of the sun starts to seep into my bones, chasing the cold away. I tip my face towards it, letting it heat my cheeks as I listen to the sounds of the traffic beyond the walls of the clubhouse.

“Heidi?”

At the sound of my name, I jolt, my heart slamming into my sternum. My fight response tries to kick in, but I force it down as Blackjack walks over to me.

The brother doesn’t like me, which is unsurprising. There are few here who do. My blatant anger and disrespect of the club hasn’t earned me any friends among the patched men.

But Blackjack’s mistrust of me runs deeper than my anger towards his club. He wants to protect his friend, and I understand that. He and Trick have been close for years, and he thinks my motives aren’t good. They all do. I hear what they say when they think I’m not around. They believe I’m going to steal Trick’s child from him.

I can only imagine how those rumours would multiply if they knew I’d lost my own child.

“I was just going back inside.” I stand, but he blocks my path.

Blackjack is a huge guy, with shoulders that rival mountains. He’s not as fierce-looking as Terror, but he still has that dangerous edge all these men have. I shrink back without meaning to, and he must see my reaction because he tries to make himself seem smaller.

“I need to talk to you about something.”

Cold spreads up my spine. What would the vice president want to talk to me about?

He gestures for me to reclaim my seat, which I do hesitantly. My back is stiff as he sits next to me, interlacing his fingers together between his spread legs, and my chest is too tight to drag in more than a shallow breath.

“You doing okay?”

It’s not what I expect him to say, so I fumble for an answer.

“Uh, yeah. Sure,” I say, trying to keep my tone light even though my stomach is churning.

“It’s coming up to the anniversary of Crow’s death.”

I flinch. I didn’t expect anyone to bring it up, yet here it is, flung right in my face.

“Yeah. It’s next week,” I confirm. I don’t give a date, though those two deaths are emblazoned in my brain.

He scrubs a hand over his jaw, and there is genuine sadness in his eyes. It makes my gut ache.

“Considering everything going on, we can’t have a big event, but the club wants to mark it in some way.”

They see Theo as a hero, as a respectable brother who followed orders, even to the detriment of his own wife. I should have expected they’d want to celebrate him. That kind of loyalty will always be rewarded, no matter the cost to those around them.

I keep my expression neutral, though my insides burn. “What did you have in mind?”

“A small gathering at the clubhouse. I know it’s not enough, and as soon as this shit is done with the Pioneers, I promise we’ll do more.”

My smile is tight, making my jaw ache fiercely. “It’s fine. It can’t be helped given the circumstances.”

My gaze drifts to the patch on his kutte—the one they all wear. I wish I could tear it off every single one of them. How can they claim to respect him when he was killed because of his affiliation with this club?

“That sounds perfect,” I say, the lie tasting vile on my tongue.

“If you want anything special, let me know and I can arrange it.”

It’s a nice gesture, almost an olive branch considering how tumultuous my relationship with the club has been since I’ve been back, but it has my molars grinding together.

“Thanks.”

He rises from the bench, and despite my better judgement, I can’t help blurting out the question that has sat on my lips for so long. “The men who killed Theo… why did they do it?”

The wall of ice he erects doesn’t surprise me. Bikers are cagey as hell. Even Theo kept a multitude of secrets from me over the years we were together.

“The club took care of it. That’s all you need to know.” He puts on his VP hat, letting me know in no uncertain terms all of that is not my business, but I’ve never understood what happened that day and no one has ever explained it. All I know is Theo left to do something for the club, and the next time I saw him was on a cold slab in the morgue.

In this moment, it suddenly feels important to have this information, to understand the chain reaction that led to me bleeding on the floor of my bathroom for hours, my baby gone.

Frustration makes my eyes flash with anger. “I have a right to know what happened to my husband.”

There may be a flash of sympathy, but it’s gone so fast, I’m not sure if I imagined it. “It’s done.”

“For you, maybe. What closure did I get?”

“We took care of it,” he says. “They paid for what they did to Crow. That’s all you need to know. It’s club business.”

Did they pay for what they did to me as well?

“Right.” My jaw is tight. “It’s always fucking club business, except this business changed my entire life, Blackjack. I have a right to know.”

“I’m sorry, but you don’t. Not with this.”

Fucker.“What happened to his killers?” I press, willing to die on this hill.

“Heidi… I ain’t gonna divulge that, but they didn’t get off lightly. Don’t ever doubt that.” I know what kind of justice the club doles out, but it doesn’t make me feel better. “Let me know about the celebration,” he says, shutting down the conversation before he walks back inside.

I lean back against the table, my thoughts colliding chaotically. Leaving Manchester would be the smart thing to do. I should forget this part of my life, move on and try to find happiness somehow, but I can’t leave Sophia here, and they will never allow me to take her. I would be hunted to the ends of the earth.

And I can’t do that to Trick anyway. He’s already lost so much, and Sophia is the only thing that keeps him from the brink of insanity.

Truthfully, I don’t want to leave him either.

The sound of the door opening draws me out of my ruminating. I turn to see Trick coming through the door with Sophia in her pram, passing Blackjack as he does. They stop for a moment, speaking briefly before Trick makes his way over to me and the VP heads inside.

Sophia babbles excitedly the moment she sees me, trying to reach for me. Despite the turbulence washing through me, I smile. I can’t help it—she brings me so much joy.

“You okay?” he asks, eyeing me as if he expects Blackjack to have left wounds. I wonder what he sees beneath my expression.

I let the smile slip as I fix Sophia’s blankets.

“Blackjack asked about doing something for Theo’s anniversary. I guess it knocked me a little.”

He sits next to me, and instantly, heat builds in my belly. I don’t know what it is about Trick, but he calms all that noise in my head, and I feel safe with him.

His broken parts are as chipped as mine, and he doesn’t judge me for that.

“You okay with that?”

“Of course.” I run a hand over Sophia’s hair.

“That’s twice now you’ve lied to me,” he accuses. “Start being honest.” I don’t counter his words, letting him build his own assumptions. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

Before I can stop myself, I scoff. “Sure, I don’t.”

Theo belonged to the club far more than he ever belonged to me. Didn’t matter that I was his wife, that I was going to be the mother of his child. The moment he put on those patches, he became property of the Sons just as much as I became his. So, the club will do whatever the club wants to, whether I like it or not.

I just want to forget everything, bury it deep in the vaults of my shattered mind.

“I’m serious. I’ll talk to Howler and Blackjack right now if you tell me you don’t want a memorial.”

I watch Sophia as she throws grabby hands in my direction. “The club wants to celebrate Theo. No one cares what I want.”

He collars the back of my neck, and I snap my attention to him immediately as his heat sears my skin. Confusion wars within me. I shouldn’t feel anything for him. He might be different to the others, but he still wears the club’s colours. I know how it works—Theo would have sold me to the highest bidder if the club asked it of him.

And Trick would do the same.

Except… he hadn’t. He’d chosen to avenge his wife over his loyalty to his patch. That’s the difference between him and Theo.

As I peer into his eyes, flutters beat against the inside of my stomach and all I feel is safe.

The first time I met Trick, I’d been out of foster care for two years. Life had been hard and my behaviour reckless to the point of dangerous back then. Trick had been the first man to treat me like a human, but it was Theo who elbowed his way into my heart. He’d given me everything I craved and more.

“I fucking care what you want, Heidi.”

My eyes burn at his sincerity.

“Then I don’t want it to happen,” I admit quietly.

“Then it won’t.”

I know I should explain, offer some lie as to why I don’t want my husband’s friends to celebrate his life, but I can’t think of a single thing to say that isn’t the truth, so I keep my silence.

Trick lets go of me, and I miss instantly the searing heat of his palms against my skin. This is dangerous ground to walk upon. I want to trust him, but I know where that path leads—the club always comes first.

“I know you’re probably thinking I’m awful for this.”

“I’m not thinking anything,” he says.

“It just… brings up a lot of really painful memories when I remember what happened back then. I don’t even know who it was who hurt him. I mean, I know it was a club job that went sideways, but that’s all I know.”

I expect him to shut me down, just like Blackjack did, but Trick doesn’t do that. He leans forward a little. “There were five of them. It was a low-level gang that was trying to get a foothold on the edge of our territory. They saw Crow alone in his kutte and seized the chance to make their move. The police put it down to a robbery gone wrong since he was found near a cash machine, beat to hell, but it was a status thing.”

I never believed the robbery angle either. When the hospital gave me his belongings, he still had his wallet on him with money and coins in it. His phone, too.

I turn away to hide the pain blooming through my chest as flashes of that night flicker through my mind. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to block it out.

“I know it doesn’t mean shit, but we didn’t let them die easily,” he tells me the same thing Blackjack had, but I believe it coming from him. “They suffered. I know it won’t fix the pain of losing him, but no one got off easy.”

I press a fist to my chest, my heart squeezing painfully. “It’s not enough, Trick. It’ll never be enough.”

“I know. There’s nothing anyone can do to make it enough, babe, but you have to let go of it.”

He’s right, I know he is, and I would give him this exact advice back, but he doesn’t know the whole story.