4. Heidi

Blowing out a breath, I unlock the door and slip inside. The silence that greets me is too unnatural, too still. Instantly, my mind moves to worst-case scenarios and fear wraps around my heart.

Where’s Trick?

Where’s the baby?

Moving between rooms, I find downstairs empty and rush upstairs to the nursery. Trick would protect her. Acid climbs up my throat and my pulse thunders through my veins as I rush into the room.

Her babbles reach my ears before I register Sophia’s lying in the cot. Fuck. I lean against the rails as the adrenaline pumping through my veins drains out, leaving me quivering.

As soon as she sees me, Sophia’s chubby legs kick out in excitement, trying to free herself from the sleepsuit she’s wearing.

Her innocence radiates out of her like a sunbeam, and even being in the same room as her makes me feel like I’m tainting her. She’s so fucking perfect.

My racing heart slows its frantic beat as I lean over the rail and place a hand on her stomach. I let out a relieved sigh.

“Are you okay, baby girl?”

She grasps the sleeve of my sweater in a death grip she seems to have developed lately, and I blow out a breath.

She’s fine. We’re both fine.

“Where the fuck have you been?”

My pulse skitters in my chest at the irate voice behind me. At this rate, I’m going to have a heart attack. I spin around, clutching my heart as it tries to burst through my ribcage.

I didn’t hear Trick sneak up on me, which is impossible in this house. Every floorboard seems to creak and groan, but somehow, he’s standing in the doorway, and he’s furious.

Instinct has me bristling, ready for the fight I know is coming, but I lose my steel when he raises his arms over his head to lean against the doorjamb.

How do guys make that move look so attractive?

It pulls his torso tight, and the inkwork covering his skin ripples over the muscles on his chest and abdomen. Trick lost a lot of bulk in the months he was gone, but he’s still built, and from the looks of things, he’s been hitting the gym lately.

He has the same dark hair as his daughter, but the beard covering his jaw is a new addition, something he’s kept since he came home. I guess there wasn’t a lot of time for shaving between murdering Mara’s killers.

“Heidi!” He snaps my name like the crack of a whip, and I flinch.

Oh, yeah, he’s pissed.

“Are you trying to give me a heart attack?” I joke, attempting to cut through the tension swirling between us.

It falls flat, unsurprisingly, and his mouth tightens into a sharper line as he lowers his arms to cross them over his chest.

“You’re not meant to leave without an escort.”

This has been a precaution since Skye came to the clubhouse seeking sanctuary, and it’s also why Bobby was calling so persistently. He’s meant to be my shadow, and I do feel a little bad about dodging him this morning. I’m sure he’ll get shit for it.

“I’m fine.” I wave off his concern, but it’s like pouring gasoline onto a fire.

Trick steps into the room, eating up the space between us, his blazing eyes pinning me.

“I didn’t ask if you’re fine,” he growls, getting in my face. “I can fucking see that you are, considering you’re standing in front of me whole and fucking healthy.”

I should be scared, and if it was anyone else, I might be, but I’ve known Trick for years. As pissed as he is, he’s not going to hurt me.

“What’s the problem?”

His gaze roams over my face, as if checking for any injuries he hasn’t noticed. I squirm under his scrutiny until he decides he’s seen enough. “You disobeying orders, that’s the fucking problem.”

What a fucking arse.

I don’t need to be coddled, and I don’t need to be protected. The only person I can rely on is myself, and I’ve been doing that from the moment I lost my husband. This man doesn’t get to come back and make demands.

I drop a hand to my hip, glaring up at him as if he’s not looming over me like a fucking giant.

“I don’t need you to manage me, and I sure as fuck don’t need to run my movements past you.” I lower my voice as I swear, trying to avoid Sophia hearing it. I’m already worried her vocabulary is going to be mostly curse words.

His eyes blaze as he steps closer. “You do when we’re at war, Heidi.”

“I told you I was going out. It’s not like I snuck away.”

“Yeah, you told me, but I assumed you were planning on taking a prospect with you or even me. Fuck. You don’t just walk out of this house without someone watching your back!”

“I don’t need your fucking protection,” I snap back. “And I’m not a kid. If you want to treat me like one, then I’ll have to decide whether this arrangement is working for me.”

He stares at me for so long, I start to panic that I’ve gone too far.

“I tell you to be careful and you threaten to leave?” His words are quiet, but there’s a bite in them that is unmistakeable.

I didn’t mean for it to come across like an ultimatum, but I’m overwhelmed and overstimulated by this entire conversation. I want it to stop so I can go to my bedroom, put my sadness on a shelf, and forget about it until after the anniversaries pass.

But somehow, I’m making this situation worse.

“I’m not saying that I’ll leave,” I backtrack.

He steps up to the side of the cot so he can check on his daughter, who is oblivious to the turmoil. The way his expression softens for her brings a lump to my throat. He may have left her when she was first born, but there is no denying he loves his daughter.

“Do you want to go?” he asks, his gaze still on Sophia.

This question is loaded and impossible to answer. No, I don’t, but I also know this arrangement can’t last forever. I have the urge to do what I always do when I know I’m going to get hurt—jump first so I don’t have to be pushed.

But I also don’t want to force his hand. “You and Sophia need your life back.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

No, he asked if I want to stay. Just tell him you do.

“What do you want from me, Trick?”

He pulls his bottom lip angrily between his teeth. “I don’t want anything from you other than to keep you safe.”

“Why?”

His eyes narrow, and I can tell his patience is hitting the end of his tolerance. It’s not a good idea to keep pushing him, but for some reason, I relish the argument. It helps to expel the pain I’m feeling.

“What do you mean, why? Because I don’t want you to get hurt.”

I snort at him. “No one is going to give two shits about your live-in nanny, Trick. I’m not even on the Pioneers’ radar.”

As soon as those words leave my mouth, I know I’ve fucked up. There is a beat of silence, the ticking of the clock on the nursery wall the only sound.

I hold my breath so I don’t add to the noise, but when his head tilts to the side, I know that silence is about to be shattered.

“Is that how you view yourself?” he asks, his tone dangerous, and I decide I need tread lightly.

Throwing my hands up, I move away from the cot so I can pace the floor. I’m wired like a coiled spring.

“What else would you call this arrangement?”

The minutest of flinches tells me that revelation hits him hard. “Right. Arrangement.”

I huff out a breath, feeling my control slipping the longer the conversation continues. “I’m not trying to be a bitch, but this is the reality of our situation. I stayed because Sophia needed someone consistent.” And because Mara was my friend and I owed her this. “But you’re home now and you’re doing great. I’m no longer needed.”

He grinds his molars together, his mouth tugging into a snarl. “It pisses me off that you view your role in mine and Soph’s life that way.”

I don’t know why he’s so defensive, but I’ve clearly hit a nerve. “How else should I view it, Trick?”

He stuns me by grabbing my face and forcing my chin up. I’m so taken aback, I don’t push him away, instead freezing with my gaze locked to his.

“I need you to listen carefully to me because I’m only going to say this one fucking time,” he bites the words out. “You’re family, and I’m not sure when you lost sight of that or started considering yourself as fucking expendable, but it stops right fucking now.”

“Language,” I mutter with no real heat. I can’t deny his words sit warm in my chest.

For a while, I thought I’d burned all my bridges here, but maybe there is still hope for me to have my club family again.

“Do you understand what I’m saying to you?” He ignores my chastisement, his words hard as iron.

His fingers sear my skin where they touch, and as our eyes connect, my pulse stutters.

“Yeah, Trick, I get it, but?—”

His voice cracks as he interrupts. “Those fucking Pioneer pricks would love the chance to hurt anyone connected to me or the club. Do you have any idea what they would do to you if they caught you?” The emotion that ripples through him is so unguarded, it brings a lump to my throat. “I don’t want to bury you, Heidi. I won’t survive losing anyone else.”

My heart squeezes so tight, I can hardly breathe. The pain in his voice guts me. I stare up at him, barely drawing in air. He’s as lost in his grief as I am, but he wears his more overtly.

“I’m sorry I left alone,” I yield. “I just… I needed time away from everything.”

He releases me and my skin is hot where his fingers were pressed. I watch as he moves to the edge of the cot, his hand skimming over his daughter’s head. She babbles at him, a bunch of nonsense sounds that will soon form into words, among them ‘dada’, which she’s been saying a lot lately. It’s as if she knows he needs to hear it.

His shoulders sag and his head drops toward his chest.

“I’m the one who’s sorry. I’ve put too much on you, too many expectations. Sophia isn’t your problem, and I’m trying to step up and be the father she needs, but the truth is I can’t do this alone.”

I frown at him. “Of course, you can.”

“Okay,” he amends, “I don’t want to do it alone. Sophia needs you. I fucking need you.”

That lump in my throat is growing. “You don’t need me. You’re doing fine, and I’m not saying she’s a problem,” I assure him. “I love her, Trick, as if she’s my own, but you don’t need a random person living in your spare room forever.”

“Well, it’s a good fucking thing you’re not random then, isn’t it?” He shakes his head, anger in the gesture. “No more leaving without Bobby.”

I stare at his bare back, the Sons tattoo spread between his shoulders. The things we’ve been through in the last few years are enough to drive anyone crazy.

“I went to the cemetery,” I admit, my voice quiet.

His head snaps up, and I see the ripple of emotion work through him. “To see Crow?”

I nod. “And Mara.”

His brows twitch before drawing together. “I didn’t know they were buried in the same place.”

That admission surprises me. Did nobody think to tell him where they put his wife?

Why didn’t I?

Trick was gone by the time we had Mara’s funeral, and no one could contact him to tell him what was planned. Just like with Sophia, choices were made without him, but it makes my stomach ache knowing he’s so out of the loop.

I see now the pain in his eyes and the sorrow that follows him around like a lost, rabid puppy. Trick is drowning in a stormy river, and he’s desperately trying to keep his head above the water.

“I can take you sometime, if you want me to,” I offer.

He doesn’t answer right away. “Yeah. That’d be good.”

“It’s a nice spot Howler picked for her.”

He flinches, and the kind thing to do would be to stop, but he has to learn to talk about her. Mara will always be a part of their lives.

I should probably take that same advice. At least Trick isn’t hiding his truth.

“Good,” he clips.

“You should go with Sophia, show her where her mother is.”

He lifts his head, and I expect to see pain there, but his shutters are down and his anguish is buried once more.

“Does she know about Mara?”

“Of course. I talked a lot about you both when you were gone.”

“Why?”

His question confuses me. “Because you’re her parents. I don’t know how much she understands, but I tell her what I can remember. Obviously, the good stuff, nothing bad, but she deserves to know where she came from.”

He scrubs a hand over his beard, stepping back from the cot as if he can’t bear to look at her. I watch as he interlaces his fingers at his nape and tries to keep a handle on his emotions, though I know how hard that is from experience.

“I fucked up,” he rasps.

My heart breaks for him. He’s never going to move on and rebuild his life if he can’t forgive himself. And he can’t do that until everyone around him gives him that permission.

“You’re here now.”

“It’s not enough,” he mutters, pacing the floor, his eyes locked on the ceiling. “I want to make amends, but I can’t fix this. It’s too much of a mess.”

My heart squeezes. He’s not someone who shows vulnerability often, so this rare display hits me in the chest. “That’s not true. Everything can be fixed with time.”

He stops pacing, glancing towards me. “Even what I did to Skye?”

I didn’t like Skye much either when she first turned up. All I saw was potential threats to Sophia and the other women under the clubhouse roof, but as I’ve gotten to know her, I understand she’s as much a victim in her father’s war as the rest of us.

“It might take a long time to rebuild that bridge between you, Rage, and Skye, but you can. There’s nothing that can’t be repaired.”

His expression tells me he thinks I’m a liar. Maybe I am, but I want to give him hope.

“I wouldn’t forgive him.”

“Howler could’ve kicked you out the club, but he didn’t. There’s a reason for that, Trick. Your brothers remember who you were before this shit happened, and they want you back. You just have to prove to them they’re right to take a chance.”

I touch his bicep softly, and the depth of pain in his eyes hurts me.

“How is Sophia ever going to forgive me when she learns what I did?”

“You can’t change the past. No one can. All you can do is move forward.”

I should take that advice myself.

Sophia cries, clearly annoyed at the lack of attention she’s getting. Usually, I would move to the cot and handle it, but I don’t. I hold back until Trick moves.

As if she’s fragile glass, he reaches over the side of the rail and picks her up. The reverent way he pulls his daughter against him and presses a kiss to her head tells me everything I need to know.

They’ll both be fine.

He kisses his daughter again, as if he’s scared the dream may shatter at any moment. “I don’t deserve her.”

“None of us deserve children, Trick.”

“I loved Mara with everything I had. I didn’t think I could love anyone else that deeply until I met my daughter. I’m terrified of something happening to her because of what I did.”

“Nothing is going to happen to her,” I assure him. It won’t, because I won’t allow it.

He rocks back and forth, trying to settle Sophia. “It won’t. She has the club. We take care of our own, and that includes you. You’re one of us.” His expression is pained as he says, “Please, don’t disappear on us again.”

The tightness in my chest and throat feels suffocating. He’s standing in front of me, giving me a place to belong again, and I want that. Because as much as Trick says he needs me, I need him and Sophia even more, and that scares the shit out of me.