Chapter 6

Six

Ienter the visitor center without looking left or right. The light is harsh and I blink a few times to keep the brightness from triggering a flashback. A hot tingle runs down my neck. Lou is somewhere in here, but I don’t want to draw attention to me by searching for her.

Make your opponent feel safe. I hear my fight coach’s voice in my head. Buzz Hansen. As always, he’s right.

With long strides, I go to the freezers, which I can clearly see from afar. When I stand directly in front of them, I can no longer read the writing on the packages. That’s the downside of these eye drops: close-up vision is blurry while distant vision is as good as ever. I want to grab something at random just to look busy, but then I take a moment to think about it. If I talk to Lou, I should carry something she likes too. Similar preferences incite sympathy. I strain to see the pictures on the neatly stacked boxes and happily discover fish sticks. I pull them out carelessly, trying with all my might not to look for Lou. She must be looking for the lanterns in the camping equipment department.

I go to the nearest cupboard and grab an iced coffee from the refrigerated section. The third thing I recognize well and know is one of Lou’s favorites is donuts. I stack everything on top of each other. My ears start to buzz and the tingling in my neck gets so bad, I can hardly stand it anymore.

I turn around carefully and look up. No surveillance cameras—at least none that are visible. There probably aren’t any. Surveillance cameras are designed to deter thieves, so they’re mounted where everyone can see them.

My gaze continues to wander from right to left through the room to a nook next to the entrance area.

Lou is standing there staring at me!

Fuck!For seconds, I’m unable to move, I’m so transfixed by her full attention. For the very first time, she notices me! Somehow, that stuns me. Her mouth is slightly open and her blonde hair falls over her shoulders like a curtain of golden silk. One of them is bare because her blouse slipped off it. Didn’t she have her hair in a ponytail earlier? I blink briefly. She’s so sweet, it sends a burning pang through my insides. I also know why: The truth is clear. A girl like Lou would never get involved permanently with someone as broken as me. Lou is light and I am darkness. I truly realize this the moment she faces me.

My gut contracts. From longing. From excitement. From something I can’t name.

She’ll soon be yours. Soon, she’ll be yours and then it doesn’t matter who she might have gotten involved with…

The propitious voice winds through my mind, but I push it back. Lou is still looking at me, holding a black can. Since Lou is in the camping department, it’s probably the bear repellent spray she was so desperate to buy earlier.

Weakness, screams the part of my mind that isn’t dazed by her appearance. Weakness. Weakness. Weakness. Strike already!

It takes more strength than a heavy-hitting melee to break away from her gaze. As if hypnotized, I go to the checkout while my mind continues to work. She’s afraid of bears and it’s almost dark outside. She has to walk back alone. What if I tell her there are bears on the dirt road? If I offer to drive her back to her campsite?

“Ten dollars!” The man behind the counter gives me an odd look. Maybe I’m just imagining it because I’m seeing his face as if through a distorted magnifying glass. I force myself to smile and pull out a bill. Just don’t pay with a card that can be used to verify my identity.

The man nods at me and puts the bill in the register.

I turn around, the goal in sight. I think of all the psychological support strategies Buzz had taught me when I was a beginner.

Stay calm. Deep breaths with the abdomen. No sudden movements that give you away. Never forget your center of gravity. Control everything.

Resolutely, I head for the nook and push my hair back. Lou is still standing with the can in her hand. It is bear repellent. What has she been doing all this time?

When I’ve almost reached her, she suddenly turns. Anger gathers in my stomach. She shouldn’t turn away, she should talk to me!

I purposefully stand in front of the shelf with the camping lanterns to give her a reason to speak to me. My back starts to tingle just knowing she’s behind me. I want to turn and touch her right now!

Although her proximity drives me crazy, I’m trying to decipher the names of the brands so I can better advise her. She still doesn’t say anything. At some point, it dawns on me that she probably doesn’t dare to. After all, I’m much older than her.

Lou is shy!Hell knows why I like that realization so much. “The bear spray is useless.” I take the first step. My voice is brimming with superiority. “Total scam,” I add, not wanting her to purchase it. “At least I don’t know anyone who’s successfully taken out a bear with it.” I turn on my heels and smile my rehearsed smile. Now that I think she might be insecure, I’m finding it surprisingly easy.

She looks up at me but doesn’t say anything. Her face is blurred, the only thing I see is a deep northern-sky blue as if we were standing under the wide Yukon sky. Suddenly, I feel like she sprayed repellent at me.

To take my mind off her eyes, I point to the can in her hand. “All that is going to do is provoke them.” I hear my voice, which suddenly seems completely foreign to me. “In fact, if you’re super unlucky, it’ll make them want to attack you. Especially if your aim is off.” I take a step toward her. God, why is she still silent! Don’t make it so difficult for me, Lou!

“You must not go camping much,” I say. A direct statement that forces an answer.

“But what if there’s suddenly one in front of me?” she blurts out so suddenly that I want to laugh. “Um, a…a bear, I mean…?” She hesitates and briefly looks down as if embarrassed by what she said.

Does she like me? Is that why she’s so shy? That thought turns me on and I grow even bolder. “Stand still. Keep calm.” When she looks at me again, my smile is real. I’m glad I can talk about something I know about. “Just wait until it goes away. If it comes closer, you should sing or clap your hands—loud noises will scare most black bears off.”

“Okay.” Her whisper sends a hot-cold shiver down my spine. She puts the can back. “I’m supposed to buy a camping lantern. Do you know anything about them?”

“To hang or to put on the table?” I keep my eyes on her. Without realizing it, she gets more and more involved in the fight, not feeling the individual blows that gradually force her to the ground.

“To put on the table.” She clears her throat awkwardly. Her fingers fiddle with a chain. I can’t see its details, but I hear a faint tinkle. No question, she’s nervous. A prancing opponent.

“I forgot our lanterns at home and my brother sent me here to buy new ones,” she adds as if it matters.

I just nod. That gives away nothing after all. I turn to the shelf and grab one of the top camping lanterns. It has a yellow SZ on its bulging body so I can identify the brand without needing to read the price tag. “Solarez are the best. They give off plenty of light without blinding you.” I hold out the lamp to her, but she doesn’t take it from me, just looks at it from all sides. As if she had a clue about technology. In the end, her gaze lingers on my scar, at least that’s what I imagine. With all my might, I suppress the dark memory that rises up inside me like black slag and that clogs my thinking.

“I’m Louisa,” she says suddenly, looking up at me with disarming frankness.

My friends call me Lou.

“Bren.” I can’t stop looking at her, even though all I can see is a blurred mixture of blue and blonde. What would she say if I just invited her over to my RV for a drink? What if she stayed with me forever willingly? If she would promise to never leave me?

“Just Bren?” She pulls me out of my thoughts.

I blink dazedly and curse myself for being so easily distracted. I swear it won’t happen to me again. Lou can look as innocent as she wants to.

“Brendan,” I reply softly, looking at the cash register. Luckily, the cashier doesn’t pay any attention to us, I don’t think he even noticed I was talking to Lou. Otherwise, there is hardly anyone in the store who could possibly remember me later on. Just an unnerved mother who keeps her son from shoving tin cans off the shelves and a couple who are madly in love and who only have eyes for each other. Nevertheless, I have to go now if my story with the bear is to be believable afterward.

“I’ve gotta go.” I hand Lou the camping lamp and, sounding rather harsh, I add, “Maybe I’ll see you around.”

She smiles. “Are you staying a while?” Is there disappointment in her voice?

I look at the couple in love who are in the middle of a deep kiss. “Couple more days.”

“Same here.”

“Yeah.” I know. I nod to her. “Later.”

“Yes.”

I clutch the thawing frozen items to my stomach and disappear before the mother and the couple can get a better look at me.

I want to turn my head back to Lou, but that might arouse suspicion.

As I cross the parking lot, my thoughts race. What am I gonna do with this damn frozen food? There’s no way I can keep it with me, I want Lou to think I’ve put it away. Suddenly, it seems to me that my logical thinking has left me. Or should I take it with me?

I walk down the dirt road toward the Scrivers’ campground and spontaneously dump the frozen items into one of the big dumpsters.

I look around the area appraisingly. The evening sun lies pale behind a layer of clouds and only a few single golden-red rays hit the ground. Above me, the wind whips through the gigantic treetops. No one is around, no one on the path. They’re probably all sitting together in front of their campfires, eating steaks and drinking beer. The perfect time.

I walk back, keeping an eye on the visitor center’s exit. It’s about a hundred yards to the access road when I see Lou coming out, lantern in hand. She pauses for a moment and it looks like she’s playing with one of the camping lanterns.

If she asks me about the frozen food, I can still claim I bought them for a friend. My hand instinctively goes to the outside pocket of the cargo pants where I stowed the chloroform. Again, I feel this intense, deep burning—a mixture of anticipation, fear, and excitement.

Not much longer now.

As I cross the road and enter the parking lot, she spots me. While she appears surprised, it doesn’t seem to be an unpleasant one to her.

I approach her with determination and mentally play through the maneuver that was repeatedly drummed into me before fights.

Attack. Feign backing off. No give-away moves. Breathe deeply. Attack again. This time with all force.

Jordan Price pops into my head, but I push the memory of him away.

“Hey, Louisa.” Without meaning to, my gaze slides down her face. At least outside my dilated pupils don’t blind me that much, but my vision is still poor. It would be fatal to engage in a fight, but Lou weighs no more than a hundred ten pounds, so it won’t be a real fight. “Bad news,” I say, putting on what I hope is a worried expression.

“What?” Irritated, she clings to the lanterns and shifts from one foot to the other.

“There’s a mama black bear with her cubs by the dumpsters.”

Despite the belladonna, I see her freeze. “That’s exactly the direction I’m going.”

I hear the panic in her words and inwardly congratulate myself. “You’d better wait until they leave. Mother bears always get crazy aggressive if they think someone’s threatening their cubs.” I think for a moment, searching for details to make the lie credible. “Some idiot forgot to lock one of the dumpsters. Same thing happens every year. It may be hours before they finish eating.”

Lou looks fearfully in the direction of the forest. “I have to get back,” she says vehemently.

No, you don’t!I purse my lips in anger and shake my head. “You can’t get past there.”

“But my brothers…” Her voice cracks. Her eyes dart to the visitor center and back to me. “They’ll be looking for me. We should tell the rangers. I’ve gotta…”

“Louisa.” I raise my hand reassuringly. Of course she thinks of her brothers! Luckily, I’ve already thought of something for this situation. “The rangers are already there, making sure everyone’s safe,” I say quickly, before she rushes headlong into the visitor center. “They’re not going to let anyone get anywhere near the bears.”

“Really?” she asks hopefully.

I just nod. Her brothers might actually pose a problem. If I were one of them, I certainly wouldn’t let Lou walk around at dusk. Somehow, it serves Ethan right when she disappears because he didn’t take better care of her. He doesn’t deserve her at all!

“And they’ll be on both sides of the dumpsters?” Lou asks, interrupting my reverie. Her voice still sounds shrill. I need to reassure her before she decides to go and see for herself.

“Um, of course,” I say as calmly and deliberately as I can. “Why wouldn’t they be?”

My tone of voice has its effect. She exhales in relief and I turn briefly to the gravel path. Would be damn conspicuous if someone was walking along there now! I have to lure her away from here as soon as possible, but it’s still too early for the all-important question. I convince myself to banter a bit: “There’s always some idiot trying to take pictures. This one tourist in Canada even tried to get his daughter to ride on a grizzly’s back.”

Her eyes widen and become as round as those of a china doll. “No way!”

“I swear to God!” I affirm. “Luckily nothing happened.”

She laughs and I join in because that’s the expected reaction, not because I feel like it. I almost wince at how artificial it sounds, but Lou keeps smiling.

Time for the next attack. “I was headed back to the visitor center.” Like a gentleman, I reach for the lanterns and manage to grab them out of her hands. “Forgot tomatoes. But if you want to get back to your brothers, I can drive you around the long way to your campsite.” No telltale movements. Deep breaths into

the abdomen.

“There’s another road?” she asks, genuinely surprised. “The ranger didn’t mention that.”

I grip the lanterns so tightly, the metal handle cuts into my skin. Anything she repeats back that might distract me from my plan automatically makes me angry. I have to pay attention. “There are three actually,” I claim, trying to confuse her even more. “But the third will be blocked off too because it’s too close to the dumpsters. People don’t take the other route much because it goes a few miles through the forest and it’s got a million potholes.” I don’t know why I have to stare at her bare shoulder and the strap of her white bra during the last sentence.

As if in response to this, Lou uneasily pulls up her blouse.

I could bang my head against a concrete post! Now all that remains is the sneakiest of tricks.

“You shouldn’t walk that whole way by yourself,” I say quieter than usual. “Really.” I meet her eyes, feigning concern. She looks back—I’m not looking away. Only liars look the other way. Or cowards.

And as if the sky wants to support me, the cloud cover rips open and reveals the orange-red sun. There is a radiance in the air, a radiance like a thousand glittering grains of gold.

Lou smiles. Maybe because of my words, but maybe also because of the red-gold evening light. Her insecurity has vanished.

“What about your tomatoes? Don’t you want to grab them first?” she asks, eyes sparkling.

I’ll have her soon. I know it. She’s still smiling, and for a moment, all I can think about is soon that smile will be mine, too.

I quickly wave my hand. “I’m right over there, a little way down the road.”

We look at each other again. Lou’s eyes sparkle in high spirits and the question she asked the world a while ago echoes inside me: Don’t you also dream that something will finally happen? She probably thinks I was trying to hit on her. Maybe she thinks I’m her adventure. A bit bold, but basically harmless. She’s so naive, so absolutely trusting. I almost feel sorry for her and yet everything within me is tingling.

I can actually pull this off.

What if you just invite her over for a beer?

I don’t know where that voice comes from, but I push it back. Girls like Lou are into the knight in shining armor, Prince Charming type and not screwed-up psychopaths like myself. It’s possible to talk her into that, but I would never, never have her forever.

I take the lanterns in one hand so I can dig the car keys out of my pocket. It’s high time to leave the parking lot before one of Lou’s brothers shows up. Once more, I look across the parking lot. Luckily, I only see one man heaving his luggage out of the trunk. Without turning around, he heads straight for the visitor center.

Regardless, I turn my back on him just to be on the safe side. “It’s not far,” I say, my voice rougher than intended.

Lou nods and I walk as a barrier between her and the visitor center, just in case. I glance again at the gravel path, but it lies deserted in the twilight.

Lou walks beside me and our silence is broken only by the clatter of lanterns and the jingle of keys. I hope she won’t back down when she sees the RV. I look at her from the corner of my eye and notice that my visual acuity is slowly returning to normal. I watch her glance at the swaying treetops and then turn her face into the wind. As if she couldn’t get enough of it all. Still, she shivers.

“You’re shivering,” I state. I hope she’s not afraid of her own courage.

“I’m not cold.”

Really? And yet you’re trembling!I smile. Maybe you’re trembling with excitement. Frantically, I search for a harmless topic of conversation but can’t think of anything. I’m so close to my goal. With difficulty, I force myself to calm down.

In the meantime, we have left the parking lot and the sky is darkening again. Huge shadows hang in the forest, gray and spooky as if a setting for a horror movie.

“We’re almost there,” I say, breaking the silence before Lou becomes too aware of the eerie surroundings. I vaguely point along the road to where the RV is two hundred yards away.

“So you’re here with your family?” Lou looks at me, confused.

The word family makes me think of the rocking teddy bear mobile on Thorson Ave. No, sweet Lou, not everyone has a big happy family. The angry thought suddenly pops up as if someone else thought it for me. Then I recall that she lost her parents and force myself to smile so as not to scare her. “Just me.”

She seems relieved. “I pictured you with a car and a tent,” she babbles on cheerfully.

She almost makes me laugh with her naive carelessness. That’s exactly what I loved about her in the pictures. The pink, sugar-sweet, light, intangible life that, like breath, flows out of her.

“Is there a difference between tent guys and RV guys?” I ask, trying to keep her in this innocent state.

She chews her bottom lip briefly, then shrugs. “I dunno,” she replies evasively. “Um. You just…looked like a tent guy, I dunno. I guess I thought maybe because you know so much about…bears and stuff.”

I smile again, that awful syrupy smile that now seems glued to my face. “The RV gives me more flexibility.”

“It’s huge. You could fit a family of five in there.”

“I need space. Sometimes I spend the whole summer on the road.” That’s not even a lie.

“So what do you do in winter?” she blurts out.

It seems she actually likes me. Good. That’s better than if she found me repulsive.

“Work,” I say mysteriously.

“Oh.” Her cheeks flush and a shy smile tugs at the corners of her mouth—and one echoes in the region of my heart.

When we reach the RV, I glance at the main road, which is completely empty. No car, no lone hiker. Only seconds separate me from my goal. A few steps. Suddenly my hands are damp and I walk stiffly to the passenger door. I pretend to unlock it.

“Ah, fuck,” I curse loudly for Lou to hear. “Stuck again.” I purposefully jerk on the door handle several times. Nothing happens, of course, since I didn’t really unlock the door. I turn to Lou, who has stopped along the side. I shrug apologetically and try to manage an embarrassed grin. “Sorry. You mind getting in the back and then climbing up front?”

“No problem.” A suspicious shadow flits across her relaxed features, just a fraction of a second, but I saw it.

Everything’s under control.

I quickly walk past her and unlock the side door. Shit, it’s totally dark in the RV. It probably scares her. For a moment, I consider drugging her in front of the RV, but that would be risky. Someone might hear her scream. I open the door as wide as I can and step aside so she can climb the steps. The mess I created makes it seem harmless, normal.

But maybe that’s not enough. Lou hesitates, peering cautiously into the living area as if I’m hiding a monster there. She glances at me. There’s a strange, pleading look in her eyes as if she suspects something but doesn’t want to admit it. I try to overplay her suspicions with a smile and remember my strategy. Feign retreat. I take a deep breath and a step back.

“Hey, I’m Bren, not Jack,” I say, feigning ease. Hopefully that takes the wind out of her sails.

“Jack?”

She can’t be that stupid! I raise my hands theatrically, carefully so as not to bang the lanterns together. “The Ripper,” I explain, grinning, and clumsily stuff the car keys into my pocket.

Lou laughs. I think I’ve finally convinced her now.

To be on the safe side, I back down for appearances’ sake, this time only symbolically. “We could walk if you’d prefer. It’s kind of far, but I understand if you…”

“No, it’s fine.” Lou shakes her head vigorously as if I shouldn’t see her doubts. She probably doesn’t want me to think of her as an anxious little girl. She’s trying to please me. This touches me deeply, and for a few seconds, I feel lost. Lonelier than ever, I’m not sure why. Maybe because she makes it so easy for me, because she’s so damn naive and believes in the good in me—something I’ve failed at for a long time.

As she climbs the steps, I only look at her blonde hair. Her blonde hair that captured me that first minute. A storm of sensations races through me and I take a few deep breaths. Just don’t flash. Don’t let your feelings get to you. No pity. Nothing.

I just have to do it. The sooner, the better. After all, I didn’t prepare for months to be sidetracked by her trusting bliss at the crucial moment. Maybe she’s doing it on purpose. Maybe that’s why she’s smiling oh-so-innocently all around. Ha!

The thought makes me angry. I follow her, and when I pull the door shut with determination, it’s as if I’m shutting out all my emotions as well. That’s it! Just stop feeling sorry for her or this will go belly-up!

Step by step, I go up the stairs with the camping lamps in one hand while I fish with the other for the chloroform. Lou hasn’t turned to me yet, is still busy looking around the RV. Now she stares at the drawn curtains and pretends to be smaller than she is. Like a rabbit pretends in front of a snake that it’s not a worthwhile prey.

Wrong thought!

I stop right behind her, so close I can smell her scent. An unconventional, fresh mixture of Nivea and lemon.

I don’t know why, but I’m calm. Nothing can go wrong anymore. Carefully, I pull out the bottle and cloth and awkwardly unscrew the bottle because I’m still holding the lanterns in one hand. It’s taking longer than it should.

Lou is still not moving. Maybe she’s waiting for me to say something. Do you want something to drink? Do you want to sit down? Hey, do you want to jump into bed with me? As if!

Without making a sound, I unfold the cloth and saturate the fabric with the liquid. I’ve practiced this a thousand times. The contents of the bottle correspond exactly to the required quantity. It doesn’t even take three seconds, still, the chemical sweetness eats through the RV like a fire. Menacing and fast.

Lou makes herself even smaller. Images flash before me, of her turning and laughing in her white shirt in the evening light. Suddenly, I have the terrible feeling that I will lose her if I continue.

But I want her! Oh, how I want her! I shouldn’t want her, but I can’t help it.

I let go of the lanterns. As if from another plane, I hear the glass shatter.

Before Lou can react, I grab her and press her elbows to her sides. For a moment, she is still, hanging numbly in my grasp. I want to use the seconds to press the cloth over her face, but as I raise my hand, she yanks at her arms, gasping horrified. The cloth slips from my fingers. At the last moment, I clench my hand and hold it tight.

The chloroform evaporates and the heavy, sweet marzipan smell settles on my skin like glue.

Lou starts screaming. “Help!” “No!” “Please!” The back of her head crashes into my chin. Red fog settles before my eyes, triggering a tornado in my head. I pull my hand forward and press the cloth over her mouth and nose. Firmly.

I’m sorry, Lou, I whisper in the darkness of my mind. I’m sorry, but nothing has been more necessary than this. I never want to lose you again.

Dazed, she digs her nails into my thighs in a helpless attempt to resist me. I hardly feel it, but I become aware of her condition. Her back is soaking wet and her body is shaking. She’s scared to death.

“Hold still, I’m not going to hurt you,” I say close to her ear. Out of instinct, I pull her tighter against me, but she doesn’t calm down. Instead, she kicks and catches my shin.

Automatically, I lean back a little and pick her up, her feet thrashing in the air like a fish out of water. I feel her back against my stomach and the pounding of her heart. I press the cloth even harder against her face, wanting it to be over. I mentally count the seconds. Twenty-one. It takes too long. Twenty-two. Much too long. I can hear her whimpering behind the cloth. At twenty-three she rears up again, but this time she collapses mid-movement, going limp.

All right, she’ll be gone any moment now. You’re almost there, Lou!

“I won’t hurt you, don’t worry,” I whisper again, praying she believes me. At least she will take these words with her into her deep sleep. A second later, she finally collapses.