Chapter 26

Twenty-Six

In the late afternoon, at the point where the river grows into a dark blue lake, I carefully put Lou down. “We can stay here for the night. It’s a good spot.” I wipe the sweat from my forehead with my forearm. I walked all day without taking a break so we can be back at the RV before the start of September, however, we didn’t get as far as I had hoped.

“Why is this a good place?” Lou asks, looking at the low embankment on our left side. “It looks like any other place along the way.”

“Because grizzlies don’t fish for salmon in lakes, but rather in rapids where the fish jump to get upstream.” Exhausted, I unbuckle the backpack I was carrying across my stomach and drop onto the sandy ground.

“Are there a lot of bears around here?” Lou looks at me like a frightened rabbit and I want to hug her like last night.

“Of course. About fifteen thousand. But it’s much more likely for you to meet a human than a bear, so don’t worry.” I have to laugh at her half-angry, half-amused expression.

“Great!” she growls, limping away from me and sitting in the sand.

“Just leave the sweater on,” I tell her when I see her trying to pull it over her head.

She stops in mid-movement.

“You might think it’s warm, but the wind will chill you.”

“I’m sweating!” she snaps a little angrily.

“Then keep sweating. That’s good after you nearly froze to death last night.”

“What about you?” Lou taps her upper arm with the edge of her hand and I know she means my shirt.

“I worked hard and carried you. I can afford to walk around like this.” I grin at her. Lou pulls at her hair. Since it’s chin length, she’s been doing this more often when she’s angry or tense, which I’m just realizing.

“Bren…”

“Yes?”

“Thanks again. I mean, for carrying me and everything.”

Shaking my head, I get up and unpack the sleeping bag so Lou can sit down on something warm. “It’s not like I can leave you here, right?”

She remains silent and I start to prepare for the evening. I set up the tarp and fill an empty Coke can that I find in my backpack with small pebbles. “To help you with your fear,” I say to Lou. “Rattle the can while I get wood.”

“I thought there are no bears here.”

“I said grizzlies don’t fish as much in lakes as they do in rapids, I didn’t say they don’t at all.”

With that, I leave her alone and collect a load of firewood in the thicket of the forest. As for the bears, I’m not concerned as there are no fresh tracks near the water.

Later, when the campfire is burning, Lou prepares the milk for Grey while I carve a spear out of birch wood.

“Going hunting?” Lou cuts a hole in the breakfast bag and nods toward the wooden stick, which I sharpen at one end.

“Salmon.”

“Like a grizzly, then.”

“Kind of.” I tap the tip of the spear, looking straight at Lou.

She smiles shyly and looks down at her feet. Maybe it’s that shyness, but something gives me hope again that her feelings might be real.

Once my spear is ready, I take off my shoes, roll up my pant legs and walk barefoot toward the dark blue lake. The sand is cool and soft, broken only by a narrow carpet of delphiniums, Indian paintbrush, and yarrow.

A flock of swans is floating on the surface, further back in the water, while flocks of cranes and wild geese pass overhead.

Lou may not realize it, but I see signs of autumn coming with every breath of nature. It’s not only the screams of the geese in the sky; the willows and poplars are already glowing green gold and the air carries a hint of mold besides the fresh scent of spruce.

Spear in hand, I step into the cold water and wade upstream where the river meets the lake. I remain motionless on a steep slope, the spear already in the water so as not to be fooled by its reflection on the surface of the water when I strike.

At first, nothing whatsoever happens, but after a while, the fish seem to have accepted me as a natural obstacle and swim through my straddled legs. I persevere with numb feet, glad that I perfected the maneuver during my first summer exploring my leasehold land.

By evening, the fish are often tired and easier to catch once you get used to the rhythm of their routine. I’m about to thrust when I sense movement on the bank. Confused, I look at the golden poplar. Lou is standing by the tree suckers, watching me lost in thought. Her hair is almost the same color as the leaves on the tree. Her sweater and pants blend into the dark bark.

She fits so well in the Yukon. Tenderness creeps into my heart, and without realizing it, I smile in her direction. Lou smiles back. Again with that shy reserve behind which she hides. I don’t know why, but it’s this reticence that touches me so much.

Lou watches me for a while longer, then limps back to the spread-out sleeping bag.

I look down at the bottom of the lake again and remember how much she cried after my promise this morning. Much more than the time before. All day, I’ve been wondering why without finding an answer until now. I only know one thing for certain: part of her crying has been stuck deep inside me since then and it feels like her tears continue to flow there.

The wind blows cold and softly through the spruce trees and the last yellow light of the day fades in the western sky. I caught two salmon and grilled them over the flames using thick logs. After deboning them, I cut them into pieces and hand Lou her half in a tin bowl.

“Is the head in there?” she asks cautiously, eyeing the pink fish flesh with a frown.

“Of course! Including the brain and eyes,” I scoff and sit next to her on the sand. Teasing Lou amuses me to no end. Mainly because it’s so easy to upset her. It may be unfair since I am superior to her in nature, then again, it makes her smile—I owe her that much.

I grin when I see her poking at the pieces of fish with her fork, looking like she’s searching for a gooey eye. “Lou, that was a joke. I make it a rule not to eat anything that can still look at me, dead or not.”

She lowers the fork. “Oh…” I get the smile I want, but only momentarily.

We eat in silence. The night deepens over the forest and the lake with every passing minute. The wind, which had previously rustled the tops of the spruce trees, dies down as if giving way to darkness.

“It’s delicious,” Lou says, following my gaze toward the trees.

How strange the mood is between us. No hostility at all and no suspicions either. It has changed, gradually but steadily, like nature, like autumn, which I can smell and taste before it fully reveals itself.

After dinner, Lou suddenly gets up, hobbles in my socks to the lake, and sits on the shore. My down jacket is slung over her shoulders, but it’s too big and Lou almost drowns in it.

I leave her alone for a while and watch the army of stars twinkle down on us from the night sky.

Girls’ hearts.

Again the words that changed everything. But today things are different than they were back then in winter. Lou isn’t who she used to be and, I realize, probably never was. I only saw what I wanted to see.

A girl who is my counterpart. A girl who takes everything easy. A girl standing in the light. I thought I knew everything about her, but I’ve never been so wrong.

Out of the need to be close to her, I go to the water and sit next to her.

She doesn’t move, but continues to stare at the night-black lake, on the surface of which the reflection of the moon shines brightly. It looks like someone poured silver liquid into it, which now floats on the water as a sparkling disk.

I look furtively at Lou. Who am I to her? Still her cold-blooded kidnapper? But here, in the heart of the Yukon, away from the RV, the chains, and little bell bracelets, that hardly seems real anymore. Lou will not run away because she would be lost on her own. Besides, she’s injured. For the first time, I can relax in her presence without having to monitor her every move. Maybe she feels relieved. Maybe that is what’s different between us now.

I take my eyes off her and follow her gaze out onto the lake, directed at some invisible point.

“This is your land, isn’t it?” she says suddenly into the stillness of the night.

I’m honestly surprised. “What made you think that?”

“I saw a sign. Private property. Do not enter.”

I almost forgot the sign my predecessors put up on the shore. She must have noticed it while crossing the river. “Legally, it doesn’t belong to me.” I grab a large pebble and turn it in one hand. “I’m leasing this land. That’s why I’m allowed to hunt and fish. Otherwise, it is strictly forbidden. Conservation and whatnot.”

Lou raises her eyebrows. “So you’re renting it all? How much land are we talking about?”

A lot of land, a lot of land. So much, you probably wouldn’t be able to escape anyway. “I forget the exact square footage. I know the boundaries, that’s all I need to know,” I answer evasively.

As I speak, I see something flash in Lou’s eyes. “When you said you were away all summer…you were always here on your land?”

I nod, realizing how little she knows about me. Next to nothing, really.

“How many summers?”

“Three.” Why haven’t I ever told her about myself? Did I think it wouldn’t interest her or scare her even more?

Lou looks at me as if she can see inside me and wraps her arms around her knees. “You’ve been coming here ever since you accidentally killed that man.”

Jordan Price pops up in my mind like a blackberry thorn that’s embedded in you and resurfaces after a long time. “Quite astute.” And remembers everything.

Lou bites her lip. “I don’t have much else to think about when I’m not busy planning an escape.”

In my mind, I see myself standing in the run-down basement, hearing the silence after Jordan falls. My head is clouded with the adrenaline from the fight and the dismayed murmuring doesn’t reach me. The only things I notice are Jordan’s grotesquely twisted neck and the smell of cigarette smoke and medicinal cooling ointment. When I come to, Buzz is maneuvering me through several back rooms, his words raining down on me. You need to get out of here now! Screams erupt elsewhere. Jordan’s brothers. We’re gonna kill you! We’ll make you eat your guts! Murderer! Minutes pass before I realize Jordan is dead.

As I think about it, a tremor runs through me that has nothing to do with the chilly night. I shudder and pull my legs up against my body. “Back then, I just wanted to get away,” I say, staring at the darkened lakeshore as if there was something there that could ease my guilt. “Leave everything behind. Forget everything.”

Lou doesn’t stop looking at me. It’s almost as if our roles have been reversed. “What do you mean, everything?”

A part of me wants to get up and flee into the darkness of the forest, but then I remember that Lou deserves to know more. “The fighting, the life in the slums,” I finally answer, trying to be expressionless as I raise my head.

“You’re from the slums?”

You can see the effort she makes not to appear shocked, but I still don’t manage to keep acting so emotionlessly.

“Not really.” My voice is somber. “I fled there. And then I lived there for a few years, yes.”

“So, where are you from?”

“Los Angeles. I was only twelve when I managed to flee my home.” I think of the pounding ocean at the Santa Monica Pier and stupidly of Rhode Island, too. I quickly suppress the thought and go on talking: “I tried several times, but the police always picked me up. Eventually, I figured I would be safe in the slums. Even the cops don’t want to go into that neighborhood.”

“Safer—the slums?” Lou shakes her head so hard her hair whips her cheeks. “It’s like crossing a river when you can’t swim.”

“I see the parallel.” I force a laugh.

A long silence ensues as we stare at the moonlit lake and Lou warms her feet with her hands.

“So, what were those fights you were talking about?” she asks after a while. “Were they always about money?”

“Some kind of fight scout spotted me,” I say cheerily, thinking about the fight between the Bones and the Black Bloods, after which Buzz had approached me.

“A fight scout?”

“That is someone who secretly scouts out the strongest in gang-rivalry battles to hire for underground fights. It’s about money. A lot of money.” So much money that some are talked into fights they could never win. Young men like Jordan, for example. I grab a handful of pebbles and throw them into the water one by one. “There are no rules, similar to mixed martial arts fights. Everything is allowed except guns. But unlike mixed martial arts fights, the underground fights are illegal. There are no restrictions. The stakes are high and only the winner decides what happens to the loser.”

“What’s supposed to happen?” Lou wants to know, looking at me, confused.

“You mean besides the risk of dying during a fight?”

She nods and seems to come to shocking realizations. I almost regret telling her so much.

“There are a few practices that are popular.” I study her, then look out over the shimmering lake again. No, there are things I can’t tell her. “You don’t want to know, trust me.”

“Have you ever lost?”

“Nope.”

“Never?”

“Never.”

“That’s why you have enough money to lease the property.”

I shrug. “It’s dirty money. I have someone who washes it for me.”

“Oh…” Her eyes widen and I honestly wonder what part it is that upsets her. I kidnapped her. Dirty money, on the other hand, is…as minor as pickpocketing compared to robbery.

“I told you I’m not a good person.”

Her gaze locks with mine and seems frozen. “Have you ever made a terrible decision about what should happen to your opponent after a fight?” Her expression gives nothing away, but her body stiffens. I see that despite the down jacket over her shoulders.

“Never. I swear.”

“It must have been awful living like that,” she whispers and I hear restraint in her voice again, as if she doesn’t want to show her true feelings.

I shake my head. “Not for me. The violence and the poverty—both were better than what I had faced before.”

We both know that before denotes the time my flashbacks are from. I just can’t tell what Lou knows about it.

We fall silent again and watch the ducks swim past us.

“So you left when you had enough money?” Lou asks after a while.

I toss the last pebble into the water and watch it sink with a soft plop. “I rented a decent apartment when I was eighteen. I would have continued that life if it hadn’t been for the incident.” And of course the flashbacks. I shake my head at myself. “It was only then that I realized what I was actually doing. I never wanted to kill anyone, I just didn’t care about my own life.”

“You didn’t care about your life?” Lou’s tone reveals disbelief and bewilderment.

I stare at the moon’s gleaming reflection, rising and falling with a few ripples in the water, and think of the days of my youth. “There was nothing I wanted to live for. Maybe that’s why I was so good. I was never scared during a fight. I always risked everything because death was an acceptable option. I never truly emerged from the darkness until I found you.” I give Lou a challenging look, but I don’t feel like I can actually take her on.

Lou meets my gaze, her eyes shining deep and dark like the lake, curious, not dismissive. “When was that?”

“About a year ago.” A shadow of a smile crosses my face. Again, I reach for the pebble-lined bank and grab a handful of stones, enclosing them in my fist. “Three years ago, I gave notice on the apartment and bought the RV. I wanted to leave, just drive off. I had enough money. A month later, I ended up here and stayed for the summer.”

“And in winter?”

“The two winters prior to that one, I spent in a small town. This past winter I spent here. The property comes with an old log cabin by the lake. It’s small, but spacious enough to survive in.”

Lou stares at me like she doesn’t understand anything anymore. “Why didn’t you take me there?”

“I’m still going to.” The thought of wintering with Lou at Quiet Lake, watching the wolves on the lake at night and sleeping with her in the fur bed makes me smile. “In the middle of winter, the inside of the RV gets too cold to survive. You asked me about it once, remember?”

Lou nods. “Yes, I remember now.”

“The house is on a lake and you can only get there on foot. It’s a long way and even more deserted than here. I had been alone there for four months last winter.” In my mind, I hear the Chinook howling over the mountain peaks and a chill runs through my limbs. By God, I never want to be as lonely as I was during those cold four months ever again.

“Did you find me then?” Lou asks bluntly.

“I had a laptop. The connection was bad, only a few hours a day, and the generator was always acting up because of the cold. But in winter, it was paradise. I’ve dreamed of showing it to you one day.”

I think about the many weeks that Lou’s posts got me through that freezing, ice-cold winter. How many times was I standing at the window of the cabin and imagining she was with me and I could show her all the hidden magic of winter. She doesn’t even know that she saved my life and I can’t tell her, either. I don’t think she would understand. Who could?

For a moment that could also be an eternity, we look at each other. Lou’s eyes still shimmer, so blue and unfathomable, full of questions and feelings that she doesn’t express. It almost seems to me as if I am seeing the images of winter in them. My bridge to her. The snow-covered sky, the glittering crystals in the air, the mist dancing over the lake like a disembodied ghost. Before I can stop myself, I tell her about the Yukon winter. About the lake freezing over and its eerie melody, the deep red winter sun, the gigantic shadows and the ice crystals floating over the lake like diamond dust. I tell her how this land first saved me, then made me sick, and how lonely I was.

When I finish, I feel drained and realize Lou is looking at me oddly. Maybe now she finally thinks I’m crazy. Who spends their winters alone in the wilderness? Or his whole life? Automatically, I squeeze the pebbles in my hand as if to pulverize them.

Lou gently shakes her head and wraps her fingers around my clenched fist. Her gentle touch makes me freeze, like the first time she hugged me in the RV.

“Have you ever had any friends?” she asks quietly. “Or a girl you wanted?”

“Relationships mean someone can leave you. I couldn’t bear the thought of being abandoned, so I built a wall around myself.” My voice is monotonous.

“And with me it’s not there?” She gently opens my stiff fingers and the pebbles fall out. Something inside me is trembling to its core. A shadow of fear claws at my soul.

“No,” I whisper hoarsely.

“Why not?” she whispers back.

“Because I made sure you can’t leave me,” I whisper again. “I don’t need to protect myself that much. Ever since I saw you…everything has been different.” I swallow hard, trying to regain my composure. “It was…like I could see everything through your eyes…life and stuff. You were like a beam of light in a dark cave.” I hate what I’m saying, even if it’s true.

My fingers close into a fist on their own accord, but Lou pushes against it, forming a bowl out of my hand. I don’t know when she moved toward me, but she’s suddenly so close I can feel her breath on my cheek. My throat constricts and my eyes hurt like I have grains of sand in them. I still want her so bad.

“Today, I would do everything differently.” I squeeze her hand tightly. “Today, I wouldn’t kidnap you. I wouldn’t drug you… I wouldn’t touch you…” I swallow against the tightness in my throat. “But it’s too late. I can’t go back. I don’t want to lose you. Especially not now that I really know you. At first, it was merely the thought that you could make me happy, but now I know for sure.” The moment I say the words I see the truth. I’ve never wished so much to turn back time, back to the moment Lou got into my RV.

I stare at the other shore of the lake and feel bitterness and contempt rising in me. What all could I have said?

Do you want something to drink? Do you want to kiss? Do you want an adventure? Want to run away with me?

There would have been endless questions, but I didn’t ask her a single one.

“Bren?” Lou pulls her fingers back. “I don’t think you’re a bad person.”

Hearing these words, I turn to her and feel lonelier and colder than winter itself.

“Apart from kidnapping me, I mean.” She dares a smile.

I try to smile back even though I know she’s wrong. People don’t change. If I were a good person, I should set Lou free.

Lou’s words haunt me as I haul the backpack up a tree so the bears can’t get to it, and stay with me as I set up two sleeping spots by the fire. How can she say I’m not a bad person when she knows what I’ve done?

Too bad you don’t want to find out who you really are.

Dr. Watts’ sentence flashes through my mind. I wonder who I would have become had it not been for my stepfather. Would I have gone to college and studied art? Or maybe I would have turned into a pompous ass like Andrew from Hero of the Week? Would I still have turned out a loner? Who am I really?

I can’t find any answers and just stare at the flickering sky, following the stars of the Big Dipper. Alioth, Mizar, and Alkaid on the handle.

Girls’ hearts.

I just want Lou’s.

More than anything, I want a chance.

I listen to the night and hear her breathing next to me. I carefully peek over at her. She is lying on her back, facing the stars. The light of the fire plays with her hair and orange-red light reflections dance on it like fiery spirits.

I would like to crawl into her sleeping bag and hold her like last night. Just the thought of her nearness makes me shudder with fear and joy. I have so many things to think about. About so many answers that I owe her.

“Lou…are you still awake?” One of the dumbest questions ever.

“Yes.”

I pull myself together. She asked me that recently and I didn’t tell her because she was so scared. I thought at the time that truth meant closeness and I think she’s ready for it now. “You were always yearning for something to happen, weren’t you?”

The stillness of the night suddenly deepens as if a false bottom opened up.

“What do you mean?” Lou asks and I hear trepidation in her voice.

“I once told you that there was another reason why I kidnapped you.” I pause for a moment. “You wanted something to take you out of your life and lift you up like an eagle. You wanted something to turn you inside out and leave you as someone you wouldn’t recognize. Something that made your heart glow. You longed for that, didn’t you?”

Lou doesn’t answer and her silence stretches out like the infinite space above our heads.

“I just wanted you to know, Lou,” I say softly at one point, looking over at her. She lies still, like an Egyptian mummy, not moving.

Hopefully, it wasn’t too much truth for one night.

Sighing inwardly, I stare at the sky again. Megrez, Phecda, Merak, and Dubhe, I complete the constellation of the Big Dipper and search for Spica, the brightest star of Virgo, which can be found by following the handle outward in an arc.

But even as my gaze wanders down the line, the points of light blur as if the firmament was not clear. A red veil wafts through the air like a flag that has broken loose from a pole and is now floating slowly across the sky. The edges flutter and shimmer, and suddenly, the whole night is filled with this poppy-red light.

For a split second, I have déjà vu. The glow reminds me of the moment I was standing in the parking lot with Lou, staring at her bare shoulder. That touch of distrust in her that was wiped away by the opening of the sky and the red evening sun.

I sit up and look over at her. Her eyes are wide like those of an astonished child as she looks up spellbound.

“Northern lights,” I explain, rising slowly enough not to snap Lou out of the moment.

With my head thrown back, I take a few steps toward the lake while the lights flow together in the sky. The red flag becomes a surging sea. Shreds of light fly away and atomize in the dark like sparks.

A cold shiver runs down my spine. Is it destiny that Lou and I are always accompanied by light phenomena? Is it fate that Lou, of all people, was supposed to buy lanterns—bringer of light—before I kidnapped her?

I allow myself to be distracted and look over at her, but she hasn’t moved an inch.

When I look up again, the sky is filled with a thousand and one colors, a web of lights in pale pink, pastel green, dark purple, and red. Wild pathways race from one end of the firmamental arc to the other, dancing with the wind and night, following a rhythm that I understand as little as I do myself.

At some point, the colored lights tumble like colorful Mikado sticks, the lines of light fade, until eventually, there is only a clear, light green.

I look at Lou again. She still hasn’t said anything about the northern lights or my disclosure. I think today was simply too much for her.

I quietly return to camp, grab the blanket, and sit down on the bank. Lou’s voice echoes in my head.

I don’t think you’re a bad person.

I gaze thoughtfully across the lake, which is now reflecting the light of the starry sky again and reach for a few smooth pebbles.

Who are you, Brendan?

In any case, I’m no longer the same person who drugged Lou cold-bloodedly in June. So, if I’m not that Brendan anymore, then I have to let Lou go. My stomach turns into a hard rock and I feel the latch trying to lock something deep inside me.

I close my eyes and try to get a glimpse of it—but all I can find is the dark room where I met the boy during my last flashes.

This time, I’m standing in front of it.

I am you, I whisper through an invisible door into the darkness. Even if you don’t show yourself, I am you.

Silence. Without a flash, the place appears deserted. Maybe it only exists when I drift off. I’m mentally trying to open the door when the echo of a voice zips through my mind.

Grief. Too heavy for you. You’ll break.

That was before, I reply calmly. Today, it’s going to be fine.

I need to get through to the boy behind the door. I feel like he’s the key to all my fears. However, the more I try to relax and release the latch, the more that spot in me tightens.

After a while, I give up and toss the pebbles back into the lake. Maybe Dr. Watts was right and there is more to my seizures than flashbacks.