Chapter 18

Eighteen

That night I sit by the fire for a long time. It’s one of those starry Yukon nights where the sky above me looks like an imperturbable black sea with millions upon millions of white points of light. It seems as if the firmament itself is a piece of eternity. I recall the cold day in December when I looked out of the log cabin at the stars.

Girls’ hearts.

It all started with those words. I found Lou. And now she is so much more than I expected. Basically, I don’t even know what I was actually expecting. Anything somehow. And I thought it would be easier. As if I could get Lou to leave everything behind at the push of a button. Of course that was a misconception, and to be honest, I didn’t want to delve into all the details. It was easier to indulge my fantasies and leave the rest for later.

I grab my sketch pad and pencils from the closet, but I soon find that I don’t need to draw to feel better. I’m actually feeling better. With the pad on my lap, I smoke a cigarette and listen to Lou rattling dishes in the RV.

There’s something calming about it because before, she was always so still, just lying or sitting on the bed.

Today, she was occupied with Grey all day. The kitchen is a battlefield of kettles, leftover milk powder, bags, and dishes. In the evening, I couldn’t even do the dishes because Lou took up the entire work surface with Grey’s paraphernalia.

The tiny wolf always seems to be hungry and now drinks every half hour. Luckily, he’s keeping most of the milk down and I’m praying he’ll put on a few pounds by weigh-in day. Lou didn’t have time to be unhappy today because she was so busy feeding the pup. She built a lair out of blankets, but still carried Grey around with her most of the time, even to the bathroom. I hope she’s not afraid I’d steal him from her and drown him without her knowing.

As I walk back to the RV for a beer, I hear her talking to him through the open windows. Automatically, I stop. Her clear voice rushes through me like the wind through the aspens, reminding me of my dream. That’s how she talked to me during the blackout.

Carefully, without stepping on fallen branches, I creep over the gravel until I reach the side wall.

“It’s okay, Grey,” I hear her whisper lovingly. “I’ll make sure he doesn’t drown you. He wants you to make it, too. I know it, even if he doesn’t say so.”

And again I smile.

The two days I gave Grey are over. Lou is nervous and has hardly eaten. She’s constantly trying to make eye contact with me. I think she wants to ask me to give him another day, but she hasn’t said anything. For the past hour, she has been pacing up and down in the RV, the little bells tinkling and the little wolf tucked away in the sling I made for her from a sheet. She keeps muttering something under her breath, words of comfort for Grey that I don’t understand. But I love that tone of voice. And it kind of calms me down too because, without meaning to, I’m almost as nervous as Lou is even though I’d never show her that.

Around noon, I put her out of her misery by getting the kitchen scale out of the cupboard. “Come on, it’s time.” With deliberate calm, I place the digital scale in the middle of our dining table.

Pale-faced, Lou stops and hugs Grey.

“Put him on!” I order as she makes no move to let go of the wolf. I know my cool manner is supposed to hide my own feelings, but I can’t help it. The only way I could drown Grey in the lake is if he actually lost weight. The idea is even worse than force-feeding Lou like a fattened goose.

Lou’s hands tremble like electric eels as she places the wolf on the scale.

“You need to let go of him, Louisa!”

With visible reluctance, she lets go of the ball of fur and looks at me wide-eyed as if she could change my mind with pleading looks if necessary.

I push the button and hold my breath. Twenty-five ounces! Thank goodness. He will make it. Thank God he will make it!

“He’s gained eight ounces,” I say more matter-of-fact than I feel like. “That’s good.”

“It is?” Lou licks her lips nervously. She looks at me anxiously and I nod. What else am I supposed to do?

“So you’re not going to drown him?” she asks, reaching for Grey as if she doesn’t trust me.

“No.” I’m faster and pick up the pup and hand him to her like a gift. “I think he’s turned a corner. Now all we can do is hope he continues gaining weight. You should probably go on feeding him frequently for a few more days.” I watch her and notice how tired she appears to be. “Every two hours, maybe. I’ll help if you want. I can do part of the night shift.”

She blinks a few times and stifles a yawn. “Sounds good,” she mumbles. “It’d be great to get a few hours of sleep in a row again.”

At that moment, it feels like we’re friends fighting for a common cause. It’s like she’s not scared of me anymore. A spark of hope creeps into my chest and I can breathe more easily. “Okay,” I say, feeling more relaxed than I’ve felt in a long time. “I’ll take the second half of the night, then.”

She nods, seemingly open and relaxed.

I venture further. “Do you want to eat outside with me tonight?” Just to do something, I grab the kitchen scale and put it in the lower cupboard. “We could drink to Grey’s will to live,” I suggest, hoping to strike the right note. When she doesn’t reply, I straighten up again.

She clings to Grey for help. Damn it…

“Hey, Lou!” I take a step toward her and, out of an inner urge, tug at a ragged strand of hair that’s almost touching her shoulder. “It’s only eating dinner and a toast. Maybe laughing a little—that’s all,” I say softly.

“Eating and toasting,” Lou repeats, a little breathlessly. “Okay, if you promise not to put anything in my drink.”

She can’t still think that! “I thought we were past that,” I say grumpily.

“And I thought you weren’t going to touch me,” she squeaks. Irregular patches of red light up her cheeks, one of which is in the shape of Africa. I remind myself of how difficult it is for me to trust anyone.

I raise my hands apologetically. “Sorry, I was joking. And it was only your hair.”

“Bad joke,” she chokes out, hugging Grey tightly to her chest.

I nod curtly. “I agree I shouldn’t have provoked you.”

We stand in front of each other for a while with neither of us saying a word. If only I had kept my fingers to myself! I was so close to gaining her trust. Now she stands there and looks everywhere but at me.

Sure, she thinks she knows what I want from her. And I told her I would wait until she was ready. But this is only dinner and a beer. What’s so bad about that? That doesn’t necessarily mean sex, does it?

At some point, I can’t bear to see her standing in front of me so embarrassed.

“So, what do you think about this evening?” I ask, bothered by the jittery feeling in my chest. I forcefully try to suppress it, but I suppose I’d make more progress ordering a grizzly to give me his salmon.

Lou looks at me warily as if trying to figure out what’s going on inside me. “Only if you don’t put the chain on me,” she suddenly blurts. “Um, I mean…because it’s been two days, and…” she stammers, and a faint blush covers the hectic spots. “And you said two days…”

I can only stare at her, thinking how cute she looks. Her cheeks glow and her tousled blonde hair sticks out in all directions due to the short night. Her clothes are sweaty and wrinkled, she even has a chocolate stain on her chin probably from the donuts.

She’s miles away from the Lou in the photos, but I don’t care. I would like to pull her into my arms and hug her so that she feels close to someone else and knows that she is not alone. And…well…I’d like to kiss her.

It is incredibly difficult for me to only shrug.

“I was planning on leaving them off during the day anyway,” I hear myself saying and wonder which part of me is taking over at the moment. “At least while Grey needs to be fed. After that, we’ll see.”

Now she’s finally gotten you to cave, Brendan Connor. Fuckin’ hell—you’re a naive dumbass. She will flee as soon as she has the opportunity.

She won’t!

Yes, she will!

No, she won’t! She’s starting to trust me!

My stupid heart just won’t stop hoping!