Chapter 5

Chapter

Five

The next seven days are spent driving along the Pacific toward Seattle. We take our time, avoiding public places as much as possible. We don't talk about why. It's like the pact to leave the past in the past lives on now that Bren has revealed so much.

During the day I'm fine, but at night, I dream of the Yukon and the densely packed spruces, and in between, Liv Sullivan and Henry Cunningham haunt the moldy earth, hand in hand and pale as ghosts. Brendan digs a grave by the lake, which his stepfather climbs out of to try to catch me. But then he transforms into Bren, who broke free of his chains during a flash and is chasing me.

That's when I wake up in a sweat and stare out the window at the ocean, unable to understand the world. I'm not telling Bren about it, it would just complicate things again. Sometimes, he wakes up anyway and, without a word, he takes me in his arms, pulls me to him, and soothingly strokes my hair until I fall asleep again.

When we arrive in Seattle a week later, Bren surprises me by pulling into a gated hotel parking lot. He rolls down the window, talks to a uniformed security guard, and a moment later, the gate opens.

"What are we doing here?" I ask guardedly as we pass a row of luxury cars. Aston Martin, Porsche Spyder, Ferrari… I recognize the three because Jay and Avy think they're so great. The spacious square is lined to the right and left by majestic royal palms, and on the sides, I discover other security men. Bren doesn't say anything as he tries to squeeze the RV into the assigned space, which is about as easy as squeezing a watermelon through the eye of a needle.

I lean forward a bit and brush back my sweaty hair. Seattle Plaza—I read the squiggly gold letters on the shiny hotel facade. Is that real gold?

"Bren?" I drawl. He planned something without telling me.

He calmly gets out of the RV, walks around the motorhome, and opens the door for me like a gentleman. "You're getting a break. And we'll think about how to continue."

"A break?" I slide off the seat and the city heat immediately hits me. Speechless, I look up at the glittering hotel facade. It seems to have no end at all. Everywhere windows reflect the sunlight, transforming the wall into an iridescent lake surface. "I thought it was clear where we were going," I finally say, looking at him again.

His lips form that thin line I already know…he's made a decision and he's not going to change it. "Lou, you're dreaming of the Yukon…and those aren't good dreams. I hear you talk in your sleep."

I bite my lip. I had hoped he wouldn't notice, but as always, I underestimated him. He hears every breath I take. Embarrassed, I look past him toward one of the uniformed men. The man gives us a disdainful look as if we're out of place. Which is kind of true. With a queasy feeling in my stomach, I stare at the baton on his weapons belt and automatically think of Bren and his stepfather again.

"The Yukon must be full of bad memories for you. I can't ask you to go back into the wilderness," I hear Brendan say. His voice sounds gentle.

"You don't want to go back?" A mixture of gratitude, astonishment, and melancholy rises in me.

"Yes, I do, but it's not essential."

"I… I miss the Yukon," I say hesitantly, looking at him. "At least part of me. I miss the time we were at the lake and the river and you caught salmon for us. We could go and I…"

"No, Lou. Maybe someday, but certainly not anytime soon." Bren slams the passenger door firmly.

I don't even try to change his mind because secretly, I'm glad. Nevertheless…that time at the lake that becomes a river and opens up to more water, which I still don't know what it's called or where it is, seems like a dream to me. Maybe it's because I don't know the names and places. There's something fairytale-like about it as if it could have happened anywhere and nowhere. And I know it will never be the same again because, despite the horror of the kidnapping and grieving the loss of my brothers, those days were filled with a strange magic that I still don't understand to this day. "One day, we'll go back to the Yukon," I say firmly now.

Bren nods. "We'll talk about it. But here in civilization."

I raise my eyebrows. "You mean here, among the upper ten thousand?"

He smiles. "And you can't ignore Ethan any longer. That wouldn't be fair," is all he says, ignoring my comment.

My hand gravitates to the cell phone in my jean shorts. He's right. I've ignored Ethan despite what I thought about him at Walmart. But the time with Bren was worth it. Now I have ninety calls on my smartphone not counting Avery and Liam.

That's why I keep sending Jay lots of messages and sometimes pictures—snaps of Bren and me, just to show him how happy I am. I texted him to tell Ethan, but of course that's not good enough for my eldest brother.

Jay doesn't write anything about his reaction, something that makes me nervous. He only texts me to call Ethan back urgently. Urgently is in all caps and with eight exclamation marks.

I pull out my cell phone. "I'll text Jay that I'll get in touch with Ethan tonight." I quickly type a short message. Staying at a hotel in Seattle, call Ethan tonight! Promise! Also with several exclamation marks.

Bren mumbles something unintelligible, hurries to the side door, and pulls out a bag.

"When did you pack that?" I ask, aghast, slipping the phone into my pocket.

"Last night when I couldn't sleep." Grey tries to jump after him, howling, but he locks him in the RV.

Once again, he prepared everything without me noticing. It makes me rather nervous like I might miss something one day because he thinks, plans, and acts faster than I do. "And what are we going to do with Grey?" Let's see if he has a solution for that too because we can't leave him in the RV in this heat.

"He can stay with us in the suite, I made sure."

I doubt wolves are welcome guests in a luxury hotel. Did he say suite? "How much did this privilege cost you?"

He just snorts without replying. It was probably a lot, maybe five hundred, like his girlfriends! Great!

When we step into the Seattle Plaza lobby, it takes my breath away.

"Jesus Christ almighty!" I blurt out unintentionally. The foyer is so grand I have to stop myself from calling out to see if I hear an echo. A plane could easily land here and a long-haul one at that. The tiles in the foyer are white marble, through which golden branches run like fine veins. Lush chandeliers hang from the sky-high ceiling, their clear crystals shimmering with a thousand colored lights. Each chandelier appears heavy enough to easily kill an elephant, no question.

I shake my head as I walk next to Bren to the front desk.

Unreal. Me here with him. This can't be real.

"You're going to blow all of your money in one night," I whisper to Bren, my voice sounding way too loud.

"I booked a week. For now. And I'm not wasting my money when I'm on the road with you."

My jaw drops and I stare at a man whose leather suitcase alone must be worth more than all of my belongings, including Ethan's real silver cross. Suddenly, I feel shabby in my shorts, sweaty top, and flip-flops. I look around unobtrusively to see if our shoes are leaving marks on the bright white floor, fortunately, however, there are no track marks.

"Bren, we can't…"

"I can." He pauses at the ebony reception desk with a stoic expression on his face. Immediately, a receptionist approaches and asks for his name.

I give the stylish lady credit for not losing her artificial smile even when her gaze wanders over my simple top and unkempt hair. She probably believes Bren is a spoiled trust-fund boy who is on a hippy trip and now, after weeks in the outback, is longing for the big city. Ha, if only she knew!

For some reason, I don't like her, probably because her eyes repeatedly check out Bren. She is too pretty with her double layer of makeup and patented permanent smile. And she's blonde! Maybe she believes that trust-fund thing and is interested in Bren…who knows?

I look from her to Bren, but he's just calmly filling out the paperwork…occasionally glancing in my direction. I suppress a smile. It probably doesn't even register with him that she's a woman!

Bren pays upfront with a credit card. A porter approaches and tries to carry Brendan's bag to the elevators, but Bren politely yet firmly lets him know not to make a second attempt. Still, he doesn't give up—I suspect he expects a three-digit tip just for being there. The bellboy ushers us to the separate elevator area and I let out a "Wow!" which earns me a punitive sideways glance from an elderly lady in a diamond necklace. The hall is completely golden, even the floor! The silvery elevator doors shimmer in the dim lighting. Classical violin music trickles out of hidden speakers accompanied by an angelic soprano voice. The voice seems to draw white circles inside me. All this splendor is making me dizzy.

The futuristic penthouse suite surpasses everything I could have ever imagined in terms of luxury. All the surfaces are polished to a high gloss which makes them shine and sparkle. I can no longer close my mouth. The suite probably takes up half the floor and the living room alone is five times the size of our house in Ash Springs. The entire inventory is dark blue, black, and silver and shines so elegantly that I'm afraid to touch anything.

While Bren is talking to the bellboy and giving him a tip, I walk in a daze through the three bedrooms with velvet-covered king-size beds, the three marble bathrooms, two of which even have a jacuzzi, and a sparkling designer kitchen. With the exception of the kitchen and the bathrooms, there is midnight-blue carpeting everywhere and the furnishings in the living room remind me a bit of a science fiction film. Gleaming stainless steel, lamps, and lights like distant floating galaxies and a desk in the shape of a spaceship's gigantic control panel.

"Bren, this is…" I step to the floor-to-ceiling picture windows that offer a breathtaking view of Seattle and the indigo-blue ocean. "Have you ever been to a hotel like this?" I glance at him over my shoulder.

It is hard to tell if any of this impresses him. Oh, yes, Bren is a minimalist when it comes to facial expressions.

He approaches me. "In the past, occasionally, back in my fighting days."

Of course!

"Not what you're thinking! We took care of that right then and there in the dingy basements." He winks at me without smiling. I blush. I know what's going to happen in this suite and it's making me nervous.

As if he senses it, Bren wraps his arms around me from behind and we gaze out over a sea of roofs and iridescent glass fronts together. The tall hotel buildings around us are glittering giants in a dwarf world; the Space Needle, the famous tower, looks like the sublime king of a chess set. Everything on the ground is minuscule, even the white Ferris wheel on the pier seems to be part of an ant nation. The world lies beneath us as if Bren wanted to lay it at my feet.

Eventually, Bren breaks away and grabs two champagne-filled flutes. "Strictly speaking, you're still too young for champagne from the hotel bar," he says.

"I'm also too young to elope with you, Bren." I look at him, still unable to comprehend all this. "You know everything works differently here. With everything we've been through, normal rules don't apply to us. That's why there are times when we disregard the laws, right?"

He doesn't answer, but I sense he's thinking about what I said.

We sit on the floor in front of the panoramic windows with our glasses and discover a Starbucks and a McDonald's in the streets below us. I teach Bren I Spy, which we play with familiar logos and end up finding also a Burger King and a Wendy's.

We watch as the sun sinks lower and lower, painting the sky a rich golden orange. Violet cloud banks form on the horizon over the evening blue ocean and the glass fronts of the hotels flicker in the evening light as if on fire. Bren generously refills our glasses.

I grow dizzy because I rarely drink alcohol. Ethan sometimes allows it, like on Christmas or on birthdays, but otherwise, it's taboo for me.

We continue to gaze outward as the sky changes into a gray-black, silky canopy and a million lights flash below us.

"Don't you feel like everything is upside down?" I finally ask Bren. We lean against the XXL desk, which is close to the windows, our knees raised, our heads resting against each other. "It looks like the stars are rising on the wrong side."

"Those city lights are the reason you can hardly see any stars, they're just too bright. It's completely different in Canada where there's no light pollution."

"Remember in the Yukon…that night with the northern lights?"

"Of course."

I hear the smile in his voice. "What's real? The city or the wilderness?"

"There's nothing real in a city, Lou. Everything is artificial. The light and the people. Even their behavior changes here. In the wild, you don't need to impress anyone, just survive. It's real, that's all."

"So, we usually live in a false reality and the wilderness is the only real place," I state.

"That's how I see it, yes."

It's reassuring even if I don't know why exactly. Maybe because our love can definitely exist in the real world.

Later, when Bren gets up to get Grey and some things from the RV fridge, I go to the bathroom. The champagne is making my entire body tingle. My cheeks are hot and I keep giggling.

I test the largest of the three walk-in showers. It is dark blue marble and can be used by at least four people at the same time. It also has six different spotlights and three shower dispensers. I use the shower cream that smells like lemon, and before long, the bathroom is a mix of misty Avalon and Italian lemon grove. After the shower, I dry off, blow-dry my hair, and brush it until it shines.

Bren must be back because I hear Grey barking. Did he walk through that posh lobby with a wolf? I smile to myself. I'm intoxicated, certainly also by the luxury I've only known from movies, and I feel like a different Lou—in a different world, maybe in a world where the stars rise on the wrong side. At least this Lou is no longer afraid of being close to Bren or making mistakes. Not at all.

Curious, I inspect the bag Bren retrieved and discover a white dress with silver straps. Wow! It looks…hot. He must have bought it especially for me! I pull it out and hold it in front of me. It is made of extremely fine, diaphanous silk and embroidered with countless flower appliqués with glittering pearls sparkling on them. I stroke the delicate fabric with my fingertips, then slip it on over my naked body and laugh softly. It barely covers my butt, and as I turn in front of the mirror, my cheeks grow hot. My breasts shimmer through the white fabric and the translucent dress reveals everything else like an implied promise.

Oh my God! I feel tingly all of a sudden. I picture Bren's face when he sees me in the dress and am filled with fiendish joy.

I quickly slip out of the bathroom and tiptoe back into the living room. I stop at the door and notice Bren looking outside.

"Bren?" My voice is barely a whisper.

In front of the picture windows, he turns to me and suddenly grows rigid, shaken in a way that's new to me. He swallows hard and searches for words but is at a loss. His bewilderment suddenly makes me self-conscious.

"Lou…" His voice sounds hoarse with longing. Step by step, he comes toward me without taking his eyes off me for a second. Seeing him mesmerized sends hot and cold shivers down my spine. Finally, he stands in front of me and I give him a timid smile.

"How beautiful you are," he whispers, and the desire in his tone makes me tremble.

He carefully frames my face with his hands and leans over me. Our lips touch for a few breaths, then his tongue enters my mouth and it's unlike ever before.

Behind the softness of that first kiss lies a dizzying urgency, like he knows I'm letting go of my reticence and wearing the dress is an invitation—which it is.

His fingers wander under the thin fabric and slide over my bare skin, up and down my spine. He feels his way over my sides to my stomach and paints delicate circles around my belly button. Repeatedly. Hot and cold flood my veins as if I'm freezing and sweating at the same time. The fine silk crackles like sparks between us and I gasp and pull back.

"What's the matter, scaredy-cat? Still afraid?" Bren murmurs, trying to pull me close again.

"Scaredy-cat?" I giggle, twisting out of his grasp and backing up a few steps until I hit the wall. It's cool and hard and I feel it more intensely than usual. I look at Bren and there's a hunger flickering in his eyes that's devouring me lock, stock, and barrel, but this time I don't mind. On the contrary. The new, exciting feeling of being so desirable rushes through me like champagne.

He follows me and I let him get as close as possible before slipping under his arm and dashing behind the leather couch, laughing.

"If you want me, you'll have to catch me," I tease. Suddenly, it's all so easy.

Bren groans, his dark hair falling over his face. "You're driving me crazy, you know that?" He rips his T-shirt over his head and takes off his cargo pants, standing there in his black boxers only.

My pulse thuds dully in my veins. He is so beautiful, every muscle tense with excitement, his skin shimmering in the glow of a thousand evening lights.

"Are you going to do dirty, inappropriate things to me now?" I ask innocently, playing with two fingers in my hair, feeling movie-like wicked.

With a throaty sound, he jumps at me over the couch and I barely manage to escape capture at the last moment. I dive to the panoramic front and lean my back against the window in my sheer dress. All of Seattle can see me now, at least in my imagination because we're too high up for anyone to notice. I bite my lip and gaze innocently at Bren. "So? Will you?"

"Lou." He takes a few more steps in my direction, but then stops.

I look at him again, unable to get enough of this contradiction, this beauty and wildness, and the almost unbearable seriousness.

"I love you," Bren blurts out, breathlessly, struggling that much to control himself. But it disarms me.

This time when he comes toward me, I stop and let myself be pressed against the glass during his kiss, feeling the coolness against my back and the hot waves in my body. Bren picks me up effortlessly and I wrap my legs around his waist, feeling his abdomen close to mine. My hands reach into his hair, clinging to it as I push harder against him. A warm sweetness flows through me, wanting to feel him fully, absolutely. But Bren takes his time. He gathers the front of the dress and pulls it over my head, exposing my stomach and breasts. I surrender to his onslaught of kisses and the caresses of his fingers that seem to know my body better than I do.

I don't know how much time has passed or when he removed his shorts before I feel him enter me, filling me. The feeling overwhelms me, it's familiar and brand new. He remains motionless with parted lips and the city lights shine on his face. He encompasses a forbidden kind of beauty.

"Oh, Lou." For a moment, he rests his forehead against mine and I know he's everything I want. Is everything I've ever wanted. I love him so much it hurts and I feel it all at the same time. Him inside me, his hands that hold me tight and won't let go, the coolness of the glass on my back, and the fine layer of sweat between our pressed-together bodies.

He gently begins to move inside me and I drape my arms around his neck and wrap my legs tightly around his waist. He slides deeper inside me, gasping, and I feel his effort to hold back, to be gentle. He's afraid of hurting me, but his desire is intoxicating and echoes inside me. I get drunk on it. Automatically, I arch toward him, feeling the heat in my abdomen like waves coursing through me.

At some point, he stops.

"This is going too fast," he whispers to me.

"So what? We have all night," I whisper back, but he shakes his head, displeased with himself. As if I were as light as a feather, he carries me to the desk without our bodies separating. He lays me on the smooth wood and pulls my legs up so my feet rest on his shoulders.

He pulls me toward him by my waist and I feel him moving deeper inside me in this position. I'm getting even hotter but my body seems too constrictive for all my feelings.

"Do you like this?" he asks roughly, leaning forward a little.

I nod and bite my lip. "It's not dirty and inappropriate, is it?" I say teasingly.

"No." He stands still and I put my hands on his chest, feeling his smooth, sinewy muscles. His heart is racing.

He looks at me, tracing my eyebrows with his index finger and moving downward over my cheek to the middle of my chin. "What is it you are doing to me that makes me love you so much?"

"What is it you are doing to me that I love you so much?" I whisper back, which seems to make him forget everything he's trying to do.

He grabs my waist, pulling me toward him as he thrusts forward. Again, a wave of sweetness and desire rushes through me.

"Bren," I whisper. "Don't stop this time, okay?"

His eyes sparkle and he pauses for a moment. "Or what?"

"Or I'll never wear this dress for you again!" I say, tugging at the silk that lies like a veil under my back.

"A terrible threat." Bren leans over and kisses me so passionately, it takes my breath away. "I can't allow that."

This time, he takes me fiercely as if indulging in his desires from the past few months. Blood pounds in my ears as my body lurches across the smooth wood. Our eyes are locked the entire time. I feel like I'm melting everywhere. As if through a fog, I hear myself panting. Again and again. And every time I do that, Bren grips my hips tighter and pulls me even more relentlessly toward him, moving even deeper inside me. His breathing is ragged. The silk crackles and sparks, and eventually, Bren grabs my breasts and my name explodes out of his mouth, a whisper, a scream, maybe both in a row or at the same time. The heat inside me turns into an unstoppable flow of happiness and fire and a wild flicker flashes before my eyes. I hear myself gasp, sigh, and gasp, and for seconds, the surroundings blur in a whirlpool of colors. Moments later, Bren slumps over me and rests his forehead against mine, eyes closed.

My feet slide off his shoulders and Bren pulls out, climbing next to me so we're both lying on the massive desk. He wraps his arms around me and I can feel his heart beating in unison with mine against my chest.

"This has got to be forever," he murmurs, his breath brushing my lips. "This thing between us is simply forever, Lou."

He seems far away, trapped in a distant dream, yet he is with me as if on a plane between reality and dream. Suddenly, I know he's right. Although everything is different than the night at the lake, more real with sharper contours, it seems to me that this is just the natural course of things. Bren and I belong together in every way. Mentally and physically.

We kiss and his tongue is cool and soft.

"We'll never part again," I say resolutely afterward. "Never. Never. Never."

"Find three words for it," he whispers.

"Always. Forever. Eons."

Later, we lie exhausted and sweaty in front of the big windows, me still in the see-through dress that I'm now wearing properly again and Bren in his black shorts. Eventually, he goes to feed Grey, whom he locked in one of the three bedrooms so he wouldn't disturb us. Then he lies behind me, spooning me, and Grey hops up onto the couch.

Bren rubs my back and together we gaze at the lights of Seattle below us. Cars paint points of light on the streets, and planes and helicopters fly by. From time to time, we even hear sirens.

"If you close your eyes and think about the future, what would it be like if you could choose?" I ask after we've been silent for a while. I roll over to face him, and to my surprise, he actually closes his eyes and seems to focus.

"I see two children, a little girl…and a boy, a little older. They laugh and race around, the wind blowing through their hair." He pauses as if sharpening the images in his mind. "The girl has your hair, blonde like flax, and in the wheat field, you can see it fluttering over her ears. The boy has dark hair and dark eyes. He is older and takes care of his sister. Always. He wants to protect her like I want to protect you. They run through the fields around their parents' house. There are also cornfields, corn and grain, yes, and it's a scorching hot summer. And at night, it's so quiet that all you hear is the chorus of cicadas and, occasionally, summer birds or the animals that live on the farm, but often they are quiet, too."

I tug at his hair and marvel at how concrete his vision is as if he hadn't just conjured it up. "A farm? Seriously?"

He opens his eyes and looks at me intently. "I've been doing a lot of thinking these past few days. It doesn't have to be the Yukon, Lou, not even Canada. But it should be isolated. Few people, lots of nature."

"Sounds good," I say thoughtfully.

"And what about you?" Bren asks after a while. "What is your dream?"

I roll onto my back, pretending to imagine the future with my eyes closed. "I see a little house in Ash Springs, the legacy of two people who loved each other and who had five children. Four boys, one girl. The now grown children sit in the living room together with a Christmas tree in the corner, a Nordmann fir from the Yukon, and next to it is a young man with dark hair. He hangs a red Christmas ornament on it…it has an inscription: Lou & me forever. The young man got it for the girl—she thought it was wonderful and he thought it was kitschy. The four blond men and the young man are friends. He has become part of her family. They laugh together." I open my eyes and blink. "Sorry, that sounds crazy and childish, I know."

Bren shakes his head, lips pursed. "Never apologize for your dreams. Never, Lou."

"Okay," I whisper. "I'll remember that." Ethan always said I dream too much. If you got paid for dreaming, you would be a millionaire and the beggars would be lining up, he has said more than once.

A knock on the door startles me. "Who could that be?" I think of Ethan, but the knocking sounds too polite. Besides, how would he know where we are?

Bren gets up and puts on a T-shirt. "Room service, ma'am. You'd best stay here before you turn the bellboy's head!"

I'm too happy now to think about the Walmart incident.

Bren disappears and a short time later returns pushing an elegant cart. Silver covers conceal the plates and a bottle of wine peaks out of a bucket.

"I thought you didn't care about all this?" I ask, amazed.

"I would have preferred to shoot a moose myself but they're relatively rare in Seattle."

I laugh and inspect the cart. "May I?" I ask, my hand on a silver hood.

Bren shrugs. "Sure."

I lift the bulbous lid to reveal a plate of ice cubes and clams. "Oh, what's this?"

"Oysters."

"What are you trying to accomplish? Are you trying to show off?" I tease him affectionately.

"No, I want to pamper you to the fullest. At least once, so don't fight it!"

I examine the shells. "I'm not refusing, but these things are still alive, aren't they?"

Bren picks up an oyster and noisily slurps the white meat out.

"Yuck!" I risk a peek under the next hood and like what I see. Chocolate mousse in light and dark versions with currants, pomegranate seeds, and blackberries, everything artistically arranged.

Bren pours wine into two glasses and we eat our way through the various delicacies. Caviar, turbot with white truffles, various soufflés, pies, and tons of things I can't even name. I almost break my finger cracking a lobster claw, and when Bren tells me they're thrown into the water alive, I no longer care for it.

Eventually, we are just as stuffed as if the two of us had actually eaten a moose and fall asleep in each other's arms in front of the picture window.

That night, I sleep dreamlessly, though even as I sleep, I know how happy I am. And although neither of us intended it, today the past was farther away than ever.

The next morning, I am woken up by the insistent buzzing of my cell phone. I blink the sleep out of my eyes and sit up. Bren's gone and I'm lying alone under the blanket we brought with us in front of the window. Next to where we slept, I discover a note:

I'm out in the park with Grey. Bren

No I love you, but that's normal, anything else would worry me.

I smile, but the cell phone's buzzing abruptly reminds me that I forgot to call Ethan last night like I promised Jay. Damn! I leap to my feet—I can't put him off any longer!