Chapter 2

Chapter

Two

Get lost! I've got big brothers and I'm not afraid to use them.

The slogan on the T-shirt Liam gave me for my ninth birthday went something like that. He was almost sixteen at the time and a left-handed smoker, which meant he preferred smoking marijuana to cigarettes, but he was adept at hiding it from Ethan. Basically, all of us have always been a little more or less adept at hiding stuff from Ethan—and covering for each other. Liam smoking weed, Jay borrowing books from the bookstore only to smuggle them back two days later, and even Avery kept his three-month liaison with Marie a secret, for whatever reason.

I peer anxiously out the window. We drove only a short distance and are now parked in a lonely pullout along the edge of the forest. Bren took Grey into the woods so he wouldn't make a ruckus at night. I was going to unpack my bag but I'm still in the passenger seat, staring out the windshield. It's funny but this is actually the first time I've sat next to Bren while he drove. Even on the way to Hudson's Hope where he released me, I slept in the back of the RV. It feels strange to sit up front but that's just one of the things that feel funny, a lot seems distorted to me at the moment. Our whole relationship. Well, it's not a relationship yet. Or is it? In any case, it's peculiar how the power structure has suddenly shifted. It feels odd to be on equal footing, almost unnatural.

The beeping of my cell phone pulls me out of my musings. It's not the first time the beep has startled me today, but so far I've ignored it.

Have my brothers already read their letters? Is Avy texting me because he wants to reach me personally? What will he say to me running off with my former kidnapper? Or is it Ethan, threatening me with all sorts of things?

But I don't believe Ethan knows how WhatsApp works. And why and what could he threaten me with? As a big brother, shouldn't he be wondering why I've been claiming for months that I ran away? Especially since it turned our lives upside down. When I think about all the visits by the social workers from the youth welfare office, my guilty conscience kicks in. They suspected Ethan and Avery were mistreating me. I remember how outraged Ethan was by the suspicion. And I just kept silent.

I'm still staring outside. In the night sky, the moon glows brightly, looking like a round floating ghost. All around the RV, tall sequoias rise into the air. In the hazy moonlight, they remind me of giants' skeletons.

It all seems bizarre to me, but maybe it's because it feels so unreal. I'm running away with Bren—into an uncertain future that began scaring me today. Back home my brothers are probably sitting together with beers, waiting for me and Jay to return from our supposed trip. Will Liam secretly put mustard in Avery's beer glass tonight? Sometimes he still does it, as if they were teenagers playing pranks. I think about the hair removal cream in Avery's shampoo, the toothpaste under the doorknob, and the salt in the sugar bowl.

Despite my discomfort, I smile, roll down the window, and breathe in the resinous air deeply while following my thoughts.

After all, my brothers shouldn't even be trying to get in touch with me unless they've discovered the letters early. However, one of them has to be texting me. Madison and Ava haven't texted me in a long time. In fact, our contact has gradually faded over the last year since I simply stayed at home and studied. Emma is in Sweden with her family and Elizabeth doesn't even own a cell phone, a fact as outrageous as her new, cropped, army haircut. And my contact with Emma has also petered out. Somehow, I shut out life over the last few months and was just waiting for June. For Bren.

The cell phone beeps again. It sounds haunting.

I pull it out of my pocket with clumsy hands and glance at the display. I let out a breath of relief: the messages are from Jayden. My other brothers don't know anything yet and everything is going according to plan. It's good Jay texted me.

I tap the phone and read the first message.

Lou! Everything okay? I'm feeling weird about what we're doing. Let me know if everything is okay!

A little later: Lou, get in touch as soon as you read this!

And a little later: Lou, I'm really worried now! Why aren't you getting back to me? Get in touch!

And then only: Lou, damn it! Do I have to follow you or call the police? Text me or better yet, give me a call!

Call the police? Why would Jay call the cops? I sit and stare at the display. The fact that even he is now having second thoughts thickens the knot in my stomach. On the other hand, he only knows Bren from my stories and from the brief encounter at the visitor center. It's only logical that he's worried.

I recall Bren's words. If I were one of your brothers, I would want to hunt down and hurt the guy who did this to you.

I automatically picture Jayden challenging Bren for a fight. That would be outright suicide. Even though Bren hasn't fought underground battles in a long time, he'd still outdo my dreamy-eyed writer brother. Besides, next to Liam, Jay is one of the most peace-loving people I know. But…do I really know him that well? A year ago, would I have believed he would drive me here?

I glance at the messages. With Jay, you never know what's going on in his mind. Everything seems to disappear within him and later emerges as a story. Like he's chopping up reality in his head and reshaping it into something he likes better! Just like spinach.

I'm fine! I type. Do not worry. I don't want to call him because I'm afraid I'll hear his voice and get homesick.

My cell phone beeps. Where are you? I feel terrible. Did he stop at a motel and was waiting for a message from me?

For a moment, I consider my reply but decide on the truth. After all, he knows where we are headed.

We haven't even reached Fresno yet. Everything's okay, Jayden! Bren is not a monster!

If I thought that, I wouldn't have driven you to him, little sis! I still feel weird though. How about a code word?

A code word?

If there's trouble!

There won't be any trouble!

It would make me feel better! I'm risking everything for you, Lou!

Everything. I glance out into the forest, but it's too dark. I can't see Bren anywhere and can't help but agree with Jayden. I've already asked too much of him. He probably needs some reassurance to sleep soundly. The truth is I told him everything eventually. Every detail, from the box to the chains, and Brendan's attacks. I had to do it so he could see how much Brendan has changed.

Alright, a code word, I type. But only because it's you!

You cannot text it to me now, everyone will see it.

Everyone is probably Bren! Okay.

The code word is our father's first name.

Understood! I'm off now, Jayden!

I put the phone back in my pocket. I briefly consider deleting the chats so Bren doesn't see the code word, but I don't. Why would he even look at my phone?

I get up and go to the back to unpack my bag. It's still weird, walking down that aisle. It's even more oppressive without Bren. It's strange because, after all, it was Bren who kept me captive here. It's not the fault of the Travel America RV nor its lettering.

I place my duffle bag on the double bed. At home, I carelessly stuffed the entire contents of my closet into it, so now everything is wrinkled without exception. Ethan always scolds me for being too messy. I push the thought aside and tell myself that Ethan won't play a role in my life anymore—after all, I'll soon be eighteen and he won't be able to direct my life.

Did Bren end up keeping the clothes he had bought for me?

I know the answer even before I open the closet door. Of course, he wouldn't have thrown them away! He could never bring himself to do that. These things remind him of me, I wore them. I wonder what he would have done with them had I not come? What would he have done in general if I hadn't shown up?

At the sight of the neatly stacked blouses and pants, my heart suddenly beats faster. Would he have come looking for me? Would he have come to Ash Springs? With my fingertips, I touch the coral-red blouse, the hem of the crocheted shorts peeking out from underneath, and the white trumpet sleeves of the top I'm wearing today.

Madness, a voice inside me whispers. It still is now like it was then. Bren is sick.

Yes, but he admitted that to himself and I knew it before I came.

Christ, pull yourself together, Lou! It's Bren!

I blink a few times but something is wrong with my eyes. The corners and edges blur to a fuzzy gray. Bren's face appears oversized in front of mine. I'll kill you! he yells. Images unravel in my head like fast-forwarding a video: me in the back of the RV, discovering the clothes, blood like ice in my veins. How I fool Bren and jump out the window, how he knocks me over, blindly grabs my neck, filled with rage… I said don't leave me! Do. Not. Leave. Me.

A metallic taste settles on my tongue, a taste that reminds me of the clink of chains. My throat constricts.

Breathe. Keep breathing, Lou. Last year, you did it repeatedly. It was much worse then.

I inhale deeply. Long in, short out, like Liam does while meditating. It is easy. I keep trying, in-in-out—but my breathing is muddled. I'm not getting enough oxygen. I try hard to swallow the metallic taste, but my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth. These are only clothes, Lou! But the images won't stop squeezing past my breaths into my mind. I'll kill you! My lips start to tingle and my hands go numb. This is the moment when my rational thinking surrenders. Last year's fear came back the moment I discovered the clothes.

"Bren?" With leaden legs, I stumble down the aisle to the side door and down the steps. I need more air… I try to open the door but it won't budge. It is locked! Trapped. Trapped. Trapped. The word crushes me like a millstone. I bang on the panel with my fists, tugging at the handle again and again. At some point, the door gives way and I fall out with a dry sob, landing on my knees. Everything is dark.

So dark…

I want to scream for Bren, but I can't get a word out. Then, suddenly, he is there as if he felt I needed his help.

He pulls me to my feet and grabs me around the waist from behind. "Lou, dear God!" He sounds scared to death. The next moment, he puts his hand over my mouth and nose. The grip stirs up new panic and I lash out, hitting something, but his fingers don't relax. "Breathe into my hand," I hear him say with determination and calm, and something inside me understands: Hold still! I won't hurt you!

Hot waves of panic roll through my body. I understand what's happening, and at the same time, I don't. In the background, Grey is barking like mad.

"Everything is fine, Lou. You have to stay calm…breathe." Bren's voice is near my ear. "Everything's okay." He repeats it like a mantra and doesn't let go of me. Something about that grip is infinitely familiar, infinitely comforting. It brings me back to the present. I realize that it's not a cloth with chloroform on my face, it's his cupped hand. I know he only wants to help me, and eventually, I'll be able to breathe again. The area, which previously only consisted of darkness, regains its contours. First, I make out the tall skeletons of the trees and then I spot Grey next to us, now wagging his tail excitedly. He licks my fingers and I laugh despite the shock and fear.

"Lou?" Bren relaxes his arms.

"It's okay, I'm fine," I reply quickly, not wanting Bren to worry anymore. I free myself from his grip and turn to face him, shaking.

He narrows his eyes and looks at me. "You're white as a sheet. I don't believe a word you say," he replies angrily. I don't know what face I'm making, but his expression immediately softens. "It's okay, Lou!" He picks me up in his arms, carries me up the steps of the RV, and sets me on the bench.

"I shouldn't have left you alone, not right away." He takes a wool blanket from a closet and drapes it over my shoulders, then slides open the side window by the table, allowing fresh air into the RV.

From the forest comes a bright, lonely hoot of a screech owl—it sounds eerie to me. A chill travels down my spine.

"What were you afraid of?" Bren eyes me from above. I can almost feel his concern. Just like last year. He carefully monitored everything that concerned my well-being.

I feel exhausted and I rest my head on the cool tabletop. The cold is good, it helps clear my mind. I'm still muddled though.

Bren brushes my sweaty hair out of my face. "You had a panic attack and hyperventilated."

"What?" I reply, confused. That's not possible. I don't get panic attacks.

"Lou, can you speak? Can you tell me what happened? When did it start?"

I turn my head and blink. I notice how tense his hands look as if he is ready to fight.

I pull the blanket tighter around my body. "I… I don't know. I was going to put my things away when I saw the clothes…" I'm freezing and my fingers still feel tingly.

"You mean the ones I bought you last year?" Bren asks.

I nod hesitantly and slowly sit up again. "They're only clothes…" I stammer, confused.

"Only clothes!" Bren snorts angrily and then, without warning, smashes his fist into the wall. The whole RV wobbles and a Coke bottle on the counter tips over.

I instinctively grip the blanket tighter. "Why are you so angry?" I ask quietly. "Did I do something wrong?"

"You? You're asking if you did something wrong?"

I merely nod.

"You're crazy, Lou!" Now he's smiling and I smile back out of reflex, exhaling a sigh of relief. "I'm angry at myself for anticipating everything but not this. I've been worrying about what I'll do if I dissociate again, drift away…get stuck in the past! But I didn't think about you for a second. How it would be for you in here!"

"You can't think of everything."

"Yes, I have to!" He speaks with the sincerity of a child who is firmly convinced of something. Something about that seriousness touches me and a lump forms in my throat.

"Lou, everything is fine. I'm simply mad at myself. Even more so now for scaring you."

I glance at my fingers lying in my lap, still shaking. I don't want to be scared of him or this stupid RV, damn it! And certainly not of a few harmless clothes. Somehow, I'm angry with myself now because I am not managing it better.

"I want it to work," I say, raising my head to look at him.

He's serious. "Me too. You have no idea how much."

Yes, I know. Still wrapped in the blanket, I get up and walk over to him. My legs feel like Jell-O. I'm almost standing in front of him when he reaches out and touches my cheek with his fingertips ever so gently as if I were a bubble ready to burst. The look in his eyes almost breaks my heart. So much longing. My mind is foggy and everything is spinning around me. I love him so much at this moment.

I gently take his hand that is touching my cheek. "Do you think we can do it?" I want it so badly, everything inside of me burns.

"What?"

"Run from the past?"

He shakes his head. "There's no such thing as running away, Lou, you should know that," he says darkly. "You just experienced it yourself. If you want me, you'll get the demons from the past, too. Yours and mine."

"I want you, Bren," I say quietly, leaning into him. "You know that. And I can handle a few stupid clothes. Ideally, I'll mess up your organization a bit."

He doesn't say anything, but I can tell from his posture how tense he is. I slip my icy hands under his hoodie and rest them against his smooth, sinewy stomach. His skin is warm and a shiver runs through his body. "Bren, talk to me."

He sighs. "What am I supposed to say, Lou? That I'm scared of losing you the first week you're back and that it's driving me crazy? It still seems like a dream to me that you're here at all!"

"You will not lose me. I promise. As long as I live, I will never ever leave you!" I pull my arms out and place my hand in his. It seems small and light in it, fragile.

"Don't make me promises you can't keep." Bren gives me a stern look, using my own words from last year.

Maybe he's right, maybe a promise like that shouldn't be given lightly, but I firmly believe we belong together. "I'm serious." I squeeze his fingers.

"Me too." He leans toward me, his eyes sparkling as black as night, and his cool breath breaks against my skin.

"But I'm more serious," I whisper. My heart pounds in my ears.

"No, I am." I hear him smile as he says it, and the next moment, his lips are on mine.

I open my mouth, feeling his tongue under mine and a shiver of liquid happiness runs through my veins. I return the kiss and the rich colors of the Yukon blossom behind my closed eyes. Evergreen needles, azure skies, and the purple flowers of fireweed. The long branches of the willow. A hundred forest birds flapping their wings to the rhythm of my heart. Bren pulls me closer, and for a few seconds, time truly stands still, carrying me into weightlessness. It all belongs together. Bren and the Yukon, the past, the familiarity, and the fear. It's all in that kiss, so wild, tender, and bittersweet that it almost makes me cry. That's just us. In that moment, I know why I came. He's my Bren and I'm his Lou. We belong together, forever and ever.