Chapter 29

Chapter 29

T he night we arrive at the RV, I prepare Lou's antibiotic. I even manage to give it to her without too much going wrong. It painfully reminds me of the beginning of the kidnapping, when I forced Lou to drink the water with the drugs in it. I reluctantly shake the thought off and settle her at the back of the bed, spreading the thick down comforter over her and whispering to her everything will be fine again .

Exhausted, I drop onto the bench because I know I can't sleep anyway. After zoning out for a while, I dig Lou's necklace out of the backpack. I haven't had time to take a closer look at it yet. The chain snapped right in the middle, a minor thing really. I quietly retrieve my tools, severing a bent open link and joining two intact ones. After that, I stow the necklace in a cupboard and decide not to give it back to Lou until she's better.

For the next few days, I spoil Lou the best I can and give her medicine three times a day. On the second day, I manage to feed her a couple of spoonfuls of broth, and on the third, she eats a whole bowl of vegetable soup. The fever goes down and the heavy cough I feared doesn't come. Soon, she can even eat her favorite food again and giggle at my bad jokes.

However, every time I look at Lou, I feel more lost.

That night, I can't sleep again and I watch her from the foot of the bed like I used to. She sleeps on her back, her hair around her head like a light wreath. Her mouth is slightly open and her cheeks have a delicate rose tone. One arm is bent and relaxed next to her head, fingers slightly open. Her posture is reminiscent of a child. So absolutely trusting, not as tense as weeks ago. I remember the night under the willow tree when she was on top of me, eyes full of wonder and silvery breasts.

My fingers twitch. I want to touch her, but I'm afraid I'll wake her.

Oh, Lou …

As I look at her, the reason for my sadness becomes more and more evident to me. I love Lou. I love her too much, too strongly, too greatly. I love her more every day and wish for nothing else than her happiness.

But her happiness isn't me. Not if I don't know if her love is real or just an illusion. Even if it were real, I would have to let her go. For her own good. She needs to get back to her life, her brothers, people who know her and have loved her since she was born. I could never give her the love she needs and deserves, I'm too damaged for that.

You have to let her go, Bren…

I know .

Old Brendan is silent to my inner monologue, but I can feel his fear beneath the surface. Cold and clammy, it climbs up my throat and numbs my senses.

I cannot do that!

Yes. You can do it. For her. For Lou. She deserves it. She deserves the best Brendan you can be. Because of her you found him in the first place!

I put my head in my hands and try to breathe away the fear, but it doesn't work. Panic grows inside me, dark and icy. My heart is pounding in my chest and a river of blackness floods my senses. I'll be alone again and it will feel as empty and hollow as before, maybe even worse.

It's not Lou's fault. It's not her fault.

I know.

I cannot do that!

Terror grips me, tearing my insides apart with cold hands. My two sides battle each other mercilessly. My eyes water, but I don't allow the pain to spread. It is too much, too many years are accumulated there. If I let it, I'll go insane. I drop my hands and push back the sorrow, so much so my stomach hurts like it has seeped into it. With one last look at Lou, I turn and walk out into the night.

The sky is overcast, not even the moon can be seen. I force myself to take a few deep breaths and calm the old part of me, but the fear won't leave me.

"I won't make it," I whisper to myself.

You still have to do it, even if you don't make it!

I know.