Chapter 19

Chapter 19

W ith a lot of concentration, I manage to get my work done and still know exactly where Lou is. I retrieved reserve water for the tanks, chlorinated it, and put the canisters in the storage area. I postpone other tasks such as washing clothes at the lake for a later time.

Lou is busy with Grey all afternoon. I collect birch bark and firewood in the vicinity and occasionally peek through the windows into the RV. Lou doesn't even notice. She is usually boiling water or washing dishes, sometimes she is sitting on the bench stroking Grey's wooly fur.

The sun is barely above the dark green treetops when we agree on making Lou's favorite dinner that evening. In fact, she proposes it and I mark it as another milestone in our history.

"You know what I think?" she asks when I pause between two loads of firewood. She sits cross-legged on the bench, scratching Grey's neck. I wipe the sweat from my forehead and shake my head.

"I think this wolf has grown four inches in the last few hours!" She looks at me so seriously, like it's a big damn deal. "Honestly!"

She pats Grey's head and I smile. I don't know what's going on, but something is happening. With me. With Lou. With us.

In the evening, I collect a gigantic supply of firewood, which I neatly pile up behind the RV. There is not enough storage space, so I am considering building a low shed in the next few days to store the wood in a dry place for when it rains. I'm stuffing the birch bark in the gaps between the stacked wood when I hear Lou cursing and laughing at the same time from inside. It is a strange sequence of noises, sounding a bit like a mixture of howling and snorting into water mixed with the wild ringing of bells.

"Bren!"

"What is it?" I straighten up and walk around the RV. Lou comes through the side door and points almost reproachfully at Grey's little head, of which I can only see the tiny ears.

"I don't know if this little guy is mistaking me for a tree, but he's peed on me three times already!" Lou says, glaring at Grey.

I raise my eyebrows. "Didn't you pad the towel with cloths?"

"Yes, but they're soaked." Lou nods to a stack of damp terry cloth towels on the side of the stairs. "And he got a spot on the sling, too."

The pee spot is no larger than the palm of a hand. "Let's go to the lake and wash them out. If you only rinse the spot, you can put him directly back in."

Lou purses her lips. "Well, he shouldn't have done it. I take him on walks day after day, spoil him from head to toe, and what does he do…" She falls silent as if noticing how casually she is talking to me.

"You wanted to keep him," I say quickly so she doesn't think about it any longer. "By the way, wolves don't mark their territory at this age. That comes later."

Lou looks down at Grey. "Well, let's hope Grey won't keep on peeing in the RV."

"Sometimes they defecate too."

"That's disgusting!"

"No—it's natural." I go to the bucket by the fireplace and pull out the jar of soft soap I usually use for the laundry. "Come on!" I nod in Lou's direction. "Let's go to the lake."

"What about the towels?"

"We can wash them together with the other laundry."

I start walking and the faint ding-ding-ding tells me she's following. She catches up at the spruce tree line. The dry wood cracks under our feet, a startled sable leaps away, and above us, a few finches chirp in the last specks of light.

When we reach the lakeshore, Lou naturally hands me Grey. I sit down on the fallen log on the bank and place him on my lap. I carefully stroke his fur and watch Lou pull a corner of the cloth through the lake and then rub the paste-like soap on it. Her golden hair shimmers in the low sun. Now that it's shorter and missing the bright tips, it's a mix of cinnamon and flax. I drown in this sight. Lou, kneeling in front of the lake in her capri jeans and white blouse, gently gliding the cloth through the water. The waterfall gurgles and fills the place with a calm vitality.

I feel an unfamiliar stillness inside me. It has nothing to do with the peace of this place. It's like I'm standing in the eye of a tornado, like the world could end next to me and I wouldn't mind. The reason for this is Lou. Lou is like coming home.

She is much more than the Alaskan girl or the sun girl. Now it seems silly to me that I ever called her that. Did I truly once believe that I knew her? I didn't know then how caring she could be. She even helps her worst enemy when in need. I thought everything would be easy for her, but I didn't know about her bravery.

As Grey licks my fingers, he snaps me out of my wandering thoughts. He's not hungry again, is he? I suppress a grin and play with him a bit, letting him bite my index finger with his baby teeth, only to pull my hand back.

"If he puts on enough weight, we can change his diet soon," I say and scratch his ears when he's had enough of playing. "Typically, parents start feeding pups regurgitated meat after eight to ten weeks."

Lou pauses in her work and looks back over her shoulder, frowning. "If you think I'm chewing up rabbits for Grey, you're mistaken," she says firmly. "Feel free to do that yourself."

"Maybe!" I reach out to stretch my arms and fish out the cigarettes from the breast pocket of my linen shirt. I look at Lou against the light. She hasn't turned back, but is looking straight at me. Her face is shadowed and the sun is shining on her hair from behind. Her eyes shimmer like two drops of blue oil. There's something in her eyes, but it's not disgust. It is gentle and calm, maybe even curious. A shiver runs through me and makes my heart flutter. In that moment, I know I would do anything for her. Everything except one thing: let her go. I believe more and more that it could work with us. And more and more I want to know who Lou really is.

For a split second, I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't kidnapped her. Would we have explored Sequoia National Park together and decided to spend the summer side by side? Could it have been more? Would I have met the Lou she used to be? Have I lost that Lou forever?

Why have I never asked myself all these questions?

I put the cigarette in my mouth without taking my eyes off Lou and carefully retrieve my lighter from the top pocket of my cargo pants. Grey doesn't mind and continues to relax on my lap.

Of course, I know the answer: because my flashes would have ruined everything anyway. It would never have worked. If it hadn't worked out in Ash Springs, why in Lodgepole or anywhere else? I'm sick, a normal life is out of the question for me. Groups of people scare me and every smell can be a trigger. The way I'm sitting here now, I can hardly imagine it. For the first time in ages, I think I feel like a normal person should feel. Real. Genuine. I have real feelings. I can laugh, be happy, get angry about small things. I can grin and scoff. I'm no longer the ghost that used to roam the winter in solitude, not knowing if it's already a part of the wilderness or not.

And I owe it all to the girl I kidnapped.

Her gaze, which has been fixed on my face this whole time, wanders down to my fingers.

"What are you going to do when you run out of cigarettes?" she suddenly asks out of the blue. "Or a way to light a fire?"

I smile even though I'm suspicious. I don't think her interest has anything to do with my needs as we haven't gotten that far yet. "I can also make fire using two stones, don't worry," I explain. "But I do have enough spare gas with me. As for the cigarettes…" I stare at her until she looks away and goes back to studying the cloth. "Shouldn't your question be: When will you have to go to a supermarket again?" I light the cig. Normally, her feigned interest would have infuriated me, but today nothing can faze me.

Lou is silent and I watch as the smoke blowing in her direction envelops her.

"It's not good for Grey," she says dismissively, waving the smoke away with one hand.

"He won't get lung cancer," I reply nonchalantly. "Wolves don't get that old."

Lou carefully pulls the cloth across the lake and the splashing joins that of the waterfall.

"So, when will you have to go to the supermarket again?" she asks casually after a while.

I happily puff on the cigarette. "Not at all if I put my mind to it."

"What?"

The subtle horrific undertone in what somewhat annoys me now. "We have meat and wild herbs. Spruce needles for tea. There are also raspberries, blueberries, and rosehips," I say, pointing toward the forest. "Not far from here is a wild meadow with edible berries you've probably never heard of. In winter, we don't need a freezer for the meat as it's cold enough to store outside. Incidentally, you can even eat the bast layer of many trees, which is basically the moist layer between the wood and the bark. Did you know that?"

Lou swallows. "What about toilet paper, pads, and soap?" she asks faintly.

"You can use fabric and nature instead. In the past, people made do without such luxuries."

"And water?"

I point to the shimmering water. "Fresh water. It's everywhere here."

Lou wrings out the towel and I see her trying hard to remain calm. "So, you're saying we can drink this water?" she wants to know.

I shrug. "I already have."

"What about bacteria?"

She won't let it go. I have no idea what she's insinuating. "There might be some, but we can just as easily boil the water if you prefer. I also have stacks of disinfectant tablets."

Lou is pale around the tip of her nose. "I haven't seen them yet," she murmurs and fishes the cloth out of the water.

I smile at her. "We've had no need for them yet. I have a few gallons of water left in the storage tank."

Lou stands up abruptly, ties the ends of the scarf together and puts it around her like I showed her. She vigorously pulls it around until the wet spot is on her back.

"May I have Grey?" she asks, stretching out her arms.

"Sure." I put him straight into her hands.

She carefully stows him in the cloth and I can only see his outline. He wriggles in it like a child in the womb. When he doesn't stop, Lou bravely reaches down into the depths of the wrap and ends his struggles with a smile. He was probably lying on his back like a beetle.

When she looks up again, her face is serious. "I know how you found me," she says seamlessly, her face impassive.

The realization completely throws me off-balance. Not the fact that she finally figured it out, but that she hasn't revealed it until now. "Did you figure it out from the photos in the newspaper?" It's the only logical explanation because in the first picture, she was wearing the coral-colored blouse—the same kind I bought for her later. She must have made a connection between the photos and put two and two together.

Her nod confirms my guess.

"Good." She deduces better than I thought.

Watch out!

The voice that has been silent for a long time echoes in my head. She didn't let on, she's a good actress. Maybe I should chain her again.

"I don't want to talk to you about it," Lou says, interrupting my train of thought. She looks down at Grey briefly, as if to collect herself. "How long were you preparing for my kidnapping?" she asks cautiously as if afraid I might freak out. "When did you realize you were going to do it?"

Now she looks into my eyes more steadily than ever. Seems like she's mesmerizing me with that northern-sky blue.

"I wanted you. All to myself. Forever," I hear myself say and it sounds distant in my ears. As far away as my self from back then feels. "Once I'd made up my mind, I started preparing. I thought about what I consumed during an ordinary summer in the wilderness and instead of merely doubling it, I multiplied it by a number you wouldn't like." We're still looking at each other. "I included what girls need, plus what we need in winter. In the coming months, I'm sure I'll discover I've forgotten a few things—but it is not the end of the world if I have to go get something."

"So, when did you decide to kidnap me?" She blinks unsurely.

A squirrel jumps from branch to branch above us and I take a few breaths to look around. I can't believe it was in this vibrant place where the cold 404 Not found message left me so devastated. These are the same trees, the same air, the same sky and yet there is a huge difference between back then and now. There's Brendan on the cliff in the past and then he is on the other side in an unfamiliar future. I feel like I'm walking a tightrope that spans an abyss, not having made it to the other side yet. I can still fall, plunge, fail. Though I can barely make out the Brendan on the other side, many more steps on the rope and fog lie between us.

I look at Lou, who is still waiting for an answer.

"You suddenly disappeared from the platform," I say quietly. "It felt like you left me. I couldn't allow that."

"I had to log off Facebook. My brother made me."

Ethan , I think immediately. Of course that I did not know. Strangely enough, my resentment, that nagging jealousy I always felt when it came to her brothers is gone.

"You wouldn't have kidnapped me if you had been able to keep watching me on Facebook?" Lou asks.

I wish she would stop. It's too crazy, I don't want to confront her about it. On the other hand: I kidnapped her, that's a fact. Why shouldn't she know the whole truth?

I step toward her as if to demonstrate my goodwill, but Lou completely misunderstands. She dodges me and smacks her back against a tree trunk.

"Don't come any closer, please…" The helplessness in her voice is unmistakable. The pulse in her throat twitches.

I immediately back away, not wanting her to be afraid of me again. "You can't look at it that way, Louisa," I answer gently. Truth means closeness, which Lou is probably not ready for yet. "There was another matter, a little while ago, that gave me the idea in the first place."

"Which was?" Her face is tense as a spruce branch repeatedly brushes against her cheek in the wind.

I shake my head. "I'm not going to tell you when you're too scared to breathe." I nod toward the RV. "It's time we head back and get the food ready. That is if you still want to."

Trembling as she takes Grey out of the sling and clutches him to her chest, I feel a queasy feeling in my heart. I can convince myself and wish for many things, but it will take Lou a long time to get used to me. And she will mourn for a long time. I can't say for how long. As I try to remember my own grief, all I find is a big black hole in my soul. A hole like a trapdoor to a dark room.

You won't be able to stand it , the boy whispers to me from his hiding place when I suddenly see him standing in front of me with his close-cropped hair and dirty pants. He raises his hands defensively as I look at him. You can't come in. Too dangerous.