Chapter 5

Chapter 5

I t's June 25th. I've been standing behind a sequoia tree at the edge of the Lodgepole Visitor Center since six this morning, never taking my eyes off the spacious parking lot. Today, Lou and her brothers will arrive at Sequoia National Park, assuming her itinerary wasn't made up.

A dark, euphoric tingling in my stomach ascends to my chest. I've been here since last night. I parked the RV in a turnout on the main road so that it can't be seen from the visitor center.

I dive deeper into the shadow of the tree and pull up the corners of my mouth, trying to put on that smile I've been practicing every day for the last month. A harmless but confident smile that won't scare Lou.

With a rehearsed gesture, I brush my hair back. For the first time in my life, I'm happy with my appearance. With a little concentration, I even manage to push back the furtive look in my eyes, although I've put my eye drops with the belladonna in my pocket just to be safe.

Again, I stare at the parking lot and try to suppress the rush of excitement, joy, and fear in me. I know I won't get many chances, maybe only one. Unconsciously, my hand twitches to the pocket where I've stashed the bottle of chloroform, the sedation drops, and a couple of zip ties. Originally, I wanted to think of a concrete strategy to lure Lou into the RV, but I can't exactly plan something like that, it has to arise spontaneously from a situation. She might linger around after a hike, lag behind her brothers, and I can talk to her. Maybe I'll put on a bandage and ask her if she can help me with something, but for that she would have to be without her brothers.

Maybe the plan to lure her into the RV won't even work. Then I'd have to kidnap Lou from her brothers' tent at night, which makes the whole endeavor more difficult. I'd have to use the knockout gas, but I'm afraid I'd hurt Lou with it. She's the lightweight of the Scrivers and a dose that puts Avery or Ethan in a deep sleep could cause her to stop breathing. No, the RV variation is the better option, even if it demands a lot more from me.

I smile again and my gaze wanders to the center's entrance road. You have to drive over the steep pass and only enter from the right. What if they don't even show up? Perhaps Lou posted some crap to mislead me? Could she have somehow realized I'd been stalking her for months?

I press my hands against my temples. No, impossible. Lou couldn't have noticed, could she? I never commented or messaged her. But her overly cautious brother may have decided to change their itinerary—precisely because Lou posted it.

Ethan . The shadow of a dark thought falls over me. Of course, he knows what perverse fantasies a girl like Lou can awaken in men's minds. He'll probably guard her like a hawk. My hands tremble with suppressed anger as I imagine him thwarting my plans and I take several deep breaths.

I need to calm down. I can't think about Ethan. I can't think about anything that upsets me. I can't afford another flashback. I have already had too many these past few weeks. Again, I feel like a jack-in-the-box just waiting to shoot up as soon as the lid pops open.

I keep waiting. The sun climbs to its zenith and starts to sink again. In the meantime, three RVs have turned off the access road and taken places in the area for larger vehicles. The area is to my right, separated only by a few hawthorn bushes, and the children's voices buzz toward me like gnats.

Around two thirty it is so hot, even in the shade, that sweat runs down my back. Soon after, the hoodie is glued to my skin and I could curse for not wearing a T-shirt. I'm considering taking it off when I suddenly spot a gray Toyota on the access road. Lou posted her brother's car months ago with mayo under the door handles in revenge for one of Ethan's pranks. With nerve-racking slowness, the car rolls into the parking lot directly toward the visitor center.

My mouth is bone dry. Even at this distance, I can make out a young blond man at the wheel. Ethan ? In the picture Lou secretly posted of him, he's wearing a pigtail and his expression is dour.

Like a shadow moving with the sun, I move around the trunk to keep an eye on the car. I peek through the sparse foliage of a hedge in the direction of the parking lot. It really is Ethan, I recognize him quite easily! He is even wearing a red-and-white checkered shirt.

Suddenly, chaos erupts in my head. I've waited so long for this moment, it now flies by without me really understanding what's happening.

The Toyota comes to a halt between me and the visitor center, immediately after, all four doors swing open. Lou's brothers get out almost simultaneously; they seem to me like phantoms that spring from my imagination. But they are real, less than a hundred feet away from me.

Ethan, with a pinched face and hands on hips; tan Liam, with incredibly long hair and a blissful grin like he smoked a joint along the way; Jayden, with tangled strands sticking up from his head, clearly the youngest of the brothers; and Avery, the tallest, soft-featured, the one most closely resembling Lou.

But where is Lou?

Cold creeps up my spine: She stayed at home with friends!

Her boyfriend?

My hands involuntarily clench as I glare icily at the Toyota. Avery leans in again and says something I cannot make out from here.

"My goodness, she should just stay in the car, then," I hear one of them call out, annoyed. "But then she won't know where the showers are either!"

A shiver of relief runs down my spine. Avery is still talking. Lou probably just doesn't want to get out. As if she knew I was standing here waiting for her.

Maybe I should just get in the car with her, drug her, and hotwire the car once her brothers are gone. I glance at her siblings.

"Jesus Christ!" Ethan yells, who is now standing under the covered entrance. "Leave her be if she wants to sulk!" He disappears inside the visitor center and Liam and Jayden follow while Avery continues to lean toward the back seat, gesturing widely.

Suddenly, he backs away and a blonde girl climbs out. Just like that. As if this moment had no meaning.

I want to fall to my knees. Lou is real, truly real! Sunrays bounce off her hair, which she has tied in a high ponytail. For seconds, I can only stare without thinking, without breathing. I find her even more delicate than in her photos. Even brighter, even lighter. She giggles and elbows Avery in the ribs, then laughs and pulls up her blouse, which has slipped over her shoulder. Avery also laughs, and in that moment, I envy him fiercely for the many years by her side. How good that must feel!

When I can breathe again, it's as if the weight of my loneliness burdens me even more. Just like in front of the monster's house, a veil of red fog sweeps through my mind and dazes me. Lou pokes Avery in the ribs again and again until he playfully punches her in the upper arm. They laugh, Lou nods toward the visitor center and says something to Avery that makes him grin.

I stare after them as they step in side by side, my hand wandering to the zip ties, knockout drops, and chloroform in my pocket.

"Soon," I hear myself say. Softly and stoically as if I had to calm myself so as not to rush after them.

A half an hour later, when the Scrivers exit the visitor center with Lou linking arms with Avery, I retreat further into the woods. I walk parallel to the gravel road when at some point the gray Toyota drives past me. I jog behind them, hidden by the trees, but turn around as soon as I see where they pitch their tent.

Knowing Lou is within reach puts me on an emotional roller coaster and I fear another attack.

Back in the RV, I rip my sweaty clothes off, get in the shower, and figure out how to fix the flashback problem. Maybe I should use my eye drops with the atropine before our first meeting. Then I wouldn't see Lou so clearly, I could stay cooler, and my eyes would definitely not be that of a hunter on the prowl due to the dilated pupils. Besides, it would also be good to minimize other stimuli. In L.A., I even managed to use the eye drops to move around in a large crowd for a short time without getting a flash. The drops are for iris inflammation, but if used cautiously, they are not harmful. At least that's what the medical student wrote on the darknet. And of course I use a low-dose variant.

Still—should I really manage to lure and sedate Lou here—who will drive the RV? After using the drops I'm sometimes farsighted for up to two hours. I can't possibly stay in this place any longer than necessary. On the other hand, a hasty departure would be just as conspicuous. It might even be better to wait a bit. Yes, waiting a bit is definitely the better option.

After the shower, I slip into a clean black hoodie and dark cargo pants. Maybe Lou is more into jeans, but I need the pockets. At least the outfit doesn't make me look like a square, more like an adventurer, which is what Lou wants.

I smile to myself, this time out of an inner need. One last time, I check the steel brackets on the walls, the iron chains in the upper kitchen cupboard, and the handcuffs right next to it. I dig my tools out of my old pants and deposit the nostrum into the cargo pocket before I carefully inspect the RV.

The inside feels too sterile, like the working environment of a lunatic who likes gutting young girls. A girl like Lou, growing up with four brothers, might be suspicious of this tidiness. It looks too arranged . I quickly grab my leather jacket from the upper compartment and throw it on the bench in the front area, then I put an opened bottle of Coke and a glass on the table. Or better yet a beer? No, Coke fits better, I wouldn't want her to think I'm a drunk. I look around again. It still looks far too tidy. At least for a guy who is traveling alone with an RV. Nervous, I glance at the clock. Five thirty. I rip open a cupboard and carelessly scatter granola bars, bandages, pens, rubber bands, cups, and two plates on the worktop.

Definitely better!

Finally, I squeeze myself back into the tiny bathroom and smile my confident smile. Then, I get the eye drops out of my old pants and put them in my pocket. Maybe I'll get a chance to talk to Lou today. Maybe I can win her trust during the second encounter or maybe she'll directly accompany me. Better to be prepared for any eventuality.

Opposite the turnout is the part of the forest that leads to the tent campground.

I look around carefully, but there are no cars or hikers to be seen as I disappear between the gray shadows of the trees. In this section of Lodgepole, the sequoias stand close together, their canopies forming a solid green umbrella above me. Hardly a ray of light falls on the ground, but despite the protective dim light, I am careful. I can't rule out that playing children might venture into the area. The gravel road isn't far off, maybe a little less than half a mile to the west, as are the tent campgrounds and public bathrooms. It would be fatal if, afterward, someone remembered I was sneaking through the forest here.

When I'm within three hundred feet of the Scrivers' site, I move stealthily as if I were stalking a caribou. Single shouts penetrate the forest followed by voices and laughter.

I look around cautiously. To the left of the Scrivers is an unoccupied campsite and to their right is a blue-and-yellow family tent with a canopy surrounded by a circle of boulders. Dark smoke and the smell of steaks drift toward me. Through the branches of a young incense-cedar, I see two little girls hopping up and down beside the tent, digging their hands into the soft fabric of the tent.

I inch even closer.

"Are these all the clothes you brought?" I suddenly hear a voice that I attribute to Ethan solely because of the unfriendly tone. I stop.

"Yes. So what?"

Lou's words make me duck behind a young sequoia. It's slim and tall, but big enough to completely hide me if I don't move.

"No long pants? No sweaters?" Ethan continues to rant. "What about your hiking boots?"

"I can walk in my Chucks."

I bought you hiking boots, Lou. If only I could see you! She sounds so close. It's so wonderful to hear her voice. Live, not thousands of miles through a laptop speaker.

"Or these sandals, which you didn't pay me back for yet. Where exactly did you think we were vacationing? A spa-hotel campground?" Ethan scoffs grimly.

Wild giggles come from the left of me.

"Rain? Summer? Stop this nonsense!"

"Rain started it… Daddy, Daddy…"

When the girl suddenly falters, I hold my breath and turn toward the children's voices. Did they spot me? I don't see them anymore, and instead, an aged hippie in a Hawaiian shirt appears next to the tent, tongs raised like a forefinger.

"And where are the two camping lanterns?" Ethan hisses from the front. In slow motion, I squat down and pray none of the girls saw me.

"That was Summer!" a child's voice screeches.

"You really are completely useless." Ethan again. "It's not like I asked you to think of a thousand things. It was only the two lanterns and the tablecloth. That was it! Three things. Shouldn't have been too difficult even for you."

Summer and Rain seem to have forgotten their argument, no wonder, given the way Ethan is yelling. Fortunately, the sudden silence next door ensures that I understand every word again.

"Sorry." Lou sounds pissed.

"Maybe you left them home on purpose."

"I didn't! I simply forgot about them."

"Like your math stuff?" Something bangs, it sounds like a trunk lid. "Go to the visitor center and buy two new ones. Right now!"

Subconsciously, my hand reaches for the chloroform bottle. You want her to go to the visitor center? Alone ? I need to see. As quietly as possible, I straighten up and look over the trunk to my left, just in time to catch Ethan pressing a couple of bills into Lou's fingers.

"Can I also buy some bear spray?" Lou asks in a lower voice, fear flickering across her face for a brief moment before stubbornly jutting out her chin. I know that facial expression. That hard expression is an attempt to hide fear. I've seen it hundreds of times in my previous opponents' gazes. And suddenly I realize that all this is just another fight.

I can't hear what Ethan says, but Lou doesn't seem to like it. Her gaze darts to Avery before locking on to Ethan again.

"But I'm scared of bears," she now says defiantly, and again, I can see that anxious expression on her face.

"Only the lanterns. Nothing else, got it?" Ethan snaps at her.

"Maybe I'll catch the next bus home. Or somewhere else!" Lou snaps. She sounds close to crying.

"Yes, yes, of course, just make sure you catch the right bus!"

He really is sending her off alone! Blood pounds in my ears like a storm and I hear Lou's words like I'm wrapped in a layer of cotton. Something with Dad and mean and useless . I hate you!

She storms off, hands clenched, and my dazed feeling lifts. My mind races as I stoop behind some bushes before following her through the woods parallel to the gravel road.

So you're afraid of bears, Lou. And not just a little…

For four years I had fought and I had won. Nobody was ever able to hide their feelings from me. The monster taught me to carefully observe and pay attention to subtleties. On Thorson Ave, it was for my survival. A man's frown could herald an approaching tantrum and result in beatings. Depending on its strength, sometimes even with the belt. Turned-down corners of the mouth rarely meant mockery, but rather triumph. Punishments in the basement in the dark followed. Sometimes, I anticipated and countered these facial expressions but not always. In Compton and South Central, my skill brought me countless wins. Often it was merely a twitch in the cheek or a frantic in-place prance. It has always told me which attack my adversary feared most. Heel kicks in the thigh, knee jabs in the ribs, punches in the stomach—his weakness that I used to bring him down.

The blood returns to my clammy fingers like I'm about to pound my fists in someone's face. But there's only Lou. With her hands under her armpits, she keeps looking around as if she is scared.

At some point, she stops and looks in my direction. I stand stock-still behind a hawthorn and look back. She couldn't have seen me since the sun is too low for that. Hardly a speck of light can be seen between the individual sequoias, the thorn bushes, and boulders, even in this area. Besides, I'm too far away.

Still, to me, it seems like we're looking at each other. She and I. Prey and hunter. Trophy and winner.

Soon, you'll be mine, sweet Lou. Only mine. Then I can look at you whenever I want. Be close to you whenever I want.

My chest fills with searing heat as if it had been hollow before. It burns so deep, reaching so deep inside me that it frightens me. The moment seems to last forever, but then she shakes her head as though at herself. Her blonde ponytail swings back and forth and she keeps walking.

With every step I take, it becomes clearer that I won't get a better chance to abduct her than today. She even threatened Ethan to run away! If she disappears now, it'll look like she ran away at first.

From the forest, I watch Lou suddenly leave the gravel road and turn into the family camping area. The sequoias over there are less dense and I slow down. I'd best let her go to the visitor center first. I could offer her my help in buying the lamps. My guess is that Lou doesn't know a thing about them, just like she doesn't know a thing about math and logic.

What are the chances I'll take you with me today, Lou? You don't know, of course!

The thought suddenly pops into my head, but I feel like an ass.

When a branch snaps behind me, I turn around in alarm. A slender figure rushes past me less than fifty yards away.

Damn, I almost forgot about the trail I had discovered this morning!

The figure rushes forward at a steady pace and only when it's a little ahead of me do I identify it as one of Lou's brothers. It's the youngest with the tousled hair. Jayden. He bumps into Lou between two campers, there is a brief scuffle, and then I watch them talk to each other.

Please don't tell me he wants to play protector now? I stare at him hostilely. Go away and let her go in alone!

Instinctively, my hand wanders to the chloroform bottle in my pocket. I'd love to sedate both of them and then carry Lou to my RV, but of course that won't do.

Jayden continues talking to her, but a sweet smell suddenly distracts me from the scene. Fucking shit! —I opened the bottle of chloroform! The pungent smell of marzipan and chemicals immediately sickens me.

I nervously screw the brown bottle's lid closed and wipe my fingers on a few leaves. When I look up, Jayden is leaving with saggy shoulders and Lou quickly crosses the road and disappears into the visitor center.

I breathe a sigh of relief and wait until Jayden is out of sight before I grab the eye drops from the other pocket. One drop in each eye to dilate the pupil, block out stimuli, and not freak out when I face Lou.

Suddenly, I realize how close I am to my goal. A strange calm settles over me. A familiar feeling from another time. I almost forgot. I feel like I'm in the last minute before a fight.

I never lose.

I practice my rehearsed, easy smile once more and become someone who is a complete stranger to me. Someone I would like to be but can never be.

For a moment, I think of the house on Thorson Ave, the basement, the man, and my escape. And the little boy I left behind who's still trapped down there. Alone and lonely, with the dreams of his Little Miss Sunshine. I want to tell him that everything will be fine soon, but I don't know if he hears me.