Chapter 24

Chapter 24

S omething inside me is broken, but physically I'm still functioning. Still eating, still drinking, still breathing. Thanks to Brendan's list, I even manage to take the right buses. I spend the entire ride staring out the window, but his face is always looking back at me from out of the dark forests, above the snow-covered mountains, behind the green lakes. Is this the same route we took? How did he feel? How hard was it for him to lock me in the box after he'd experienced that same horror? Is that why he kept me drugged for so long?

I trace the raindrops running down the glass with one finger. There are so many things I still want to ask him, so many things I haven't told him yet. I might never get a chance to. I don't even know his last name or how old he is.

I'm so lost in thought that I go right on gazing out the window long after it gets dark. I catch a glimpse of my reflection. Weeks ago, I thought maybe I looked different than I used to, but now I realize that I look the same as ever, except with shorter hair and slightly thinner cheeks. The only problem is that I don't feel like myself at all. It's like someone else has taken over. What if my brothers notice? For one frightened moment, I wonder whether they'll believe the pack of lies I'm about to tell them.

I've decided to say that I ran off with two other girls I met at the park. I'm going to say we went to Canada, so that I won't have to invent too many details. One of the girls, Mia, will have to be some wealthy stockbroker's daughter, because otherwise I won't be able to explain how we survived without doing anything criminal. Yeah, obviously she withdrew a ton of money before we met. I'm going to say that we wrote letters to our families so they wouldn't worry, but I guess mine must have gotten lost in the mail, which is why no other girls were reported missing. And then I'll say I don't want to talk about it, and hopefully they'll quit asking questions after a week or two.

I'm dreading those first couple of weeks. They're going to be like a mile-long bed of nails that I have to walk across barefoot and alone. Nobody will know my pain. Nobody will comfort me. Ethan will hate me; my brothers and friends won't understand what I'm going through. But I have to do it for Brendan, for the secret I have to bury deep inside myself, in the hopes that our time together isn't over yet. And if it is, then I just pray I won't ever forget it, that I won't wake up one day and realize that all of these thoughts and feelings and dreams have faded to nothing more than the smeared colors of the sky, the river, the spruces, and bodies entangled in the sand—like the kiss of a moth settling upon us, only to fly onward after one fleeting encounter.

I close my teary eyes and reach for my necklace, clutching the charms because they give me something to hold onto. Ethan's cross, Avery's heart, Liam's hand, Jayden's disk, another disk... there's another round charm on my necklace. I stop short. The tears spill over. I don't even have to look to know what's in my hand: a silver coin engraved with a bird with two different wings. Brendan must have slipped it onto my necklace sometime this morning. I bring it to my lips with trembling fingers and brush a kiss onto it, the goodbye kiss I never gave Brendan.

When I get off the bus in Ash Springs four days later, it's late in the evening. I feel completely drained. Cried out.

The first thing I'm aware of is the herby smell of sagebrush, and then the heat radiating from the dry, dusty ground. It's a strange feeling, neither familiar nor unfamiliar. I walk along the perfectly straight road, hoping nobody sees me. Once in a while, I raise my eyes to marvel at details I'm noticing for the first time: the rust-red roof of the little convenience store, the tall mailbox on the corner, in front of the house with the peeling window sills.

I turn onto the Road to Nowhere, and suddenly every cell in my body is tingling. Underneath my infinite longing for Brendan, under all the confusion and the mental exhaustion and everything, I feel something close to joy. This is home, this is where the people I love live. The people I've been missing so desperately.

Without consciously trying to, I start walking faster. I didn't call in advance, because I had no idea what to say to my brothers on the phone. Soon I'm running down the path... and then I see our house. My heart is beating heavily in my chest. The space underneath the apple tree is empty; the door is closed. I slow down, come to a stop, sweep my gaze across the yard. Everything's exactly the way it was, but it's as silent as a cemetery. My joy immediately turns to anxiety. What if something happened to them? What if...

The door flies open. "Lou?" Ethan suddenly appears on the doorstep like a ghost, staring at me with wide eyes, clutching a book in one hand with all his strength.

"Eth..." My voice falters. I can't believe he's really there. Or that I'm really here. Time stands still for several seconds. We simply stare at each other, each wondering whether the other is a figment of our imaginations. I've pictured coming home so many times, but nothing has prepared me for this moment. It's like someone's torn my heart out of my chest, but brought me back to life rather than killing me. It's joy and pain, homesickness and homecoming.

"Ethan," I whisper again.

The book he's holding slips from his hand. "Oh, God, Lou, oh my God!" he shouts and runs over to me. Not three seconds later, he's there, throwing his arms around me, clinging to me, pressing me to his chest. His shoulders are shaking—he's crying harder than I've ever seen another person cry. My heart knots painfully and swells with warmth at the same time. I'm so unbelievably happy. And so unbelievably sad. I wonder how it's possible for a person to feel so much joy and so much grief at the same time. I wonder whether human hearts are even built to hold this much emotion.

In the distance, I hear more shouts. I peek over Ethan's shoulder and spot Avery, Liam, and Jayden bounding down the stairs. It feels like a dream. Soon they're clustered around me in a circle, squeezing me half to death, only releasing me when I'm gasping for air. Then the four of them just stare at me like I'm a museum exhibit. Tears are running silently down Avery's face; Liam keeps stealthily wiping his eyes, and Jayden's bawling as openly as Ethan. He keeps putting his hand on my arm, touching my fingers, as though he can't believe I'm real.

After a while, they start talking all at once, but I can't get a word out. I'm too overwhelmed. Not just with joy at seeing them again, but with a deep gratitude that also makes me sad. Brendan was right. He made the right choice. For me. For my family. And I love him even more for it.