Chapter 19

Chapter 19

A rms embrace me. Strong, unyielding arms that lift me up. I feel myself being carried, and then being set down again a few moments later. I'm lying on something soft and warm. Oh, God, it's so warm that I want to cry. I can finally sleep. I sigh contentedly, but then I feel hands tearing at my sweatshirt. I hear the seams ripping, feel the wet material being peeled from my body. I don't know what's happening. I want to defend myself, but I'm as limp as a puppet. My legs are lifted, my shoes removed, my jeans and underwear jerked down from my hips. Everything happens quickly, in an eerie silence punctuated only by an occasional mumbled curse. I gather my strength, hoping I can draw attention to myself somehow, but all that comes out is a hint of a whimper. Some familiar sound is coming from nearby, either pattering rain or a crackling fire, I'm not sure... and next to me, I'm pretty sure I hear someone undressing, a zipper going down. Then the arms reach for me again, turn me onto my side, and draw me in like tentacles, against a body. And there's nothing I can do about it. Warm, unfamiliar skin presses against my back, my legs. No , I want to plead, but I can't get a sound out. A hundred horrible images flash through my head. I muster up absolutely inhuman strength and wriggle a few inches away, but the arms immediately pull me back with gentle force.

"I know you don't like it, but there's no other way." The voice is right against my ear, soft but stern.

Brendan!

Dim memories wash over me. He's found me. I didn't make it. A chaotic mix of emotions churns inside me. Despair, yes. Fear, yes. But also relief. Enormous relief. I know I should be more upset about the fact that he's found me, but the last remaining glimmer of my rational mind knows that he saved my life. Even so, I scoot away from him again. Too close! Much too close! I can feel him everywhere.

"Shh, calm down." He lays a leg on top of me and crosses my limp arms in front of my chest, enveloping me completely. "Relax!"

Oh, God, how? I'm naked! And he doesn't seem to be wearing much, either. I want to protest, but I'm too weak.

"You nearly died of hypothermia. Another hour and you wouldn't have made it."

Darkness and warmth encircle me like the steam from a hot bath. Wouldn't it be nice to let myself drift off, here in the warmth? Wherever this is?

Something rough but soft licks my face, straight across my mouth.

"Grey, leave her alone," I hear Brendan say in a scolding tone. He straightens up and does something, and the licking stops, but now I feel soft fur on my bare stomach. "You can keep her warm, that's okay."

I let out a dry sob when I hear his familiar yowl.

Brendan pulls me closer, so that my back is completely against his chest. "It's okay, Lou," he whispers. "Everything's okay. I found you. Nothing bad's happened to you." He sounds like he's fighting back emotions, maybe even tears. "I'm not trying to grope you here, I won't do anything to you. I'm warming you up, that's all."

I blink a few times before finally managing to keep my eyes open. He's still got his arms wrapped around mine. My nose bumps against something soft, and suddenly I realize that we're in a sleeping bag together. I tilt my head back and peek past the edge of the material. A massive, brilliant fire is flickering not ten feet away. I feel its steady heat on my forehead, on the tip of my nose and my eyelids. It's so wonderful that it brings tears to my eyes. I turn to glance upward and see that there's a tarp or something over us. Maybe a tent. I close my eyes in exhaustion.

"Bren," I murmur. My tongue is heavy. "Thanks. Thanks for saving me..." The words don't come anywhere near expressing the depth of what I feel.

He inhales more deeply. Once, twice, a third time.

"No problem, Lou," he whispers back.

I don't know why, but something about the way he's holding me suddenly makes me happy in a weird, disturbing way. It feels like he'll never let me go. Which is also the thing I'm most afraid of. Maybe I'm simply grateful for the sense of safety, for the knowledge that I'm not going to freeze to death, that I'm getting a second chance. Yeah, that must be it. I feel my tense muscles relax in his warmth, feel myself settle into his arms. I'm tingling from head to toe, like my whole body is smiling. It's just that sense of safety. I'm sure of it. And he's holding me so tightly that I wouldn't be able to get away from him even if I wanted to. He'd never let me go, end of story. It's not my fault.

It's still dark when I awaken. I'm trembling again, and my teeth are chattering, but Brendan tells me it's a good sign.

The next time I wake up, it's because the warmth against my back is suddenly gone. Grey is still curled up against my stomach, but I don't feel his fur against my skin anymore. I pat my torso and realize that Brendan's put a shirt on me. I rotate my head and see him by the fire, putting on another log.

"Bren?" I murmur sleepily.

"Lou!" He looks up in surprise. His eyes gleam in the light of the fire. "How do you feel?"

"Frozen."

He laughs. The sound practically bubbles out of him, so happy and vivacious that it makes me feel even warmer. "Are you in pain?"

I take a mental inventory. Tentatively, I move my foot. The shooting pain promptly returns. "My ankle," I croak. I'm still too weak to carry on a proper conversation.

He nods. "I saw. It's bright blue, swollen. I'll bandage it later."

"How did you find me?" This whole thing seems like a dream.

He smiles, suddenly bashful, as if hearing more admiration in my tone than I do. He tucks his hair behind his ears uncertainly. "Grey found you."

I close my eyes, because it's exhausting to keep them open. "But... the rocks..."

Whatever Brendan's doing, it involves something that clatters like steel or iron. "Grey found the spot where you went down. Did you fall?"

I just nod.

"You must have had a legion of guardian angels watching over you. I rappelled down with Grey. He didn't enjoy it one bit. Peed all over my pants."

The mental image makes me smile, and I open my eyes again to watch him. He's stirring a pot, which is sitting in the fire atop some kind of stone platform. For a moment, I really believe that the feelings I'm having aren't wrong. That being drawn to him, for whatever reason, doesn't make me a bad person.

"Grey lost your scent at the river, so I figured that's where you crossed." He lifts the pot and carries it over to sit beside me. He's wearing a dark down jacket and lined boots. "I made you some oatmeal. It's no culinary masterpiece, but it'll do the job."

"I can't eat."

"You have to," he replies gently, pulling me into a sitting position. Grey whines as he tumbles off of me, but then crawls out of the warm burrow and goes outside.

Brendan sets the pot on the ground and shoves something behind my back to prop me up. "Just a couple bites, then I'll let you sleep again." He dunks a wooden spoon into the pot, and I open my mouth and let him feed me like a wolf mother feeding a pup. The oatmeal tastes like cardboard, but right now it's the most delicious thing I've ever eaten. Maybe it's because of the concerned look on Brendan's face, how careful he's being with me. The first spoonful also makes me realize that I'm starving.

Much too soon, he sets the pot aside. "That's enough, otherwise you won't keep it down." He holds a cup to my lips. "Peppermint tea." With his help, I drink half the mug, and then he cautiously settles me back down onto the ground. "Get some more rest."

I curl up inside the sleeping bag, warmed through and through. Nearby, I hear Brendan working on something. I haven't even asked him where we are, or how he got all of this stuff here. And I haven't asked him what happens next, either. I don't want to ask, because everything still feels too nice. For a few more hours, I don't have to do anything but focus on the moment and enjoy the warmth, without worrying about what happens when we get back. Right at this moment, we're just Lou and Bren, a boy who saved a girl from freezing to death.

But there's one thing I can't wait to ask. "Bren... the drops, were they... bad?"

The working noises stop. "I'm okay."

"You sound tired, though."

"Of course I'm tired. But not from the drops. Now go to sleep already, or you'll find out what they're like." A couple more clanking sounds, then silence. "I was joking about that."

"I know." Contentment spreads through me, and it isn't long before sleep overtakes me in a massive, unstoppable wave.

When I open my eyes again, the sky is a brilliant blue, dotted with pale-yellow and pink clouds. The fresh, clear scent of spruce needles is in the air, and the air seems to be starting to warm. I lift my head and rotate it to the right. Brendan is kneeling in front of a dark-green backpack, rummaging through it. He smiles briefly when he notices that I'm awake, but goes right on doing whatever it is he's doing. Grey, on the other hand, bounds over and licks my face happily, barking and howling.

I straighten up, blinking sleepily. Those questions I didn't ask last night are lurking at the edge of my mind, but even now, I'm not quite ready to think about the end of our story. I think my rational brain understands that it would overwhelm me, and as I look around, I actually manage to push the questions to the back of my mind.

We're still by the pale-green river, but in a much broader part of the valley. The mountains are further apart, standing majestically at the horizon, their peaks veiled by pink clouds as though they were well-kept secrets. The gravel along the riverbanks has given way to a carpet of grey-green weeds and silvery grass framed by short conifers. Everything seems untouched here, frozen in time for eternity, like this part of nature has never heard of the other, louder world.

"It's a special kind of peace and quiet, isn't it?" Brendan must have been watching me take in the scenery. "Out here, it's as if nothing and no one can hurt you."

I nod, realizing all over again how terribly hurt he must have been if he thinks he's only safe when completely isolated from other humans. "Where are we?"

He merely smiles and takes a pair of jeans and a sweater out of his backpack.

"Bren. Where are we?"

"Somewhere in Canada." He tosses me the clothes. "Put those on, and then we'll take care of your foot. Oh... right, sorry, I forgot to bring dry underwear."

I'm just glad he brought me clothes at all. Even so, it annoys me that he refuses to tell me where we are. Carefully, half-hidden by the sleeping bag, I wriggle into the pants, and then peel off the dark-blue fleece jacket so I can tug on the oversized beige sweater. A chill shoots through my limbs, and I'm relieved when I finally get the jacket on again.

I peer around at my immediate surroundings. There's a neatly rolled tarp beside the sleeping bag; long pieces of driftwood have been sunk vertically into the gravel, and just beyond my feet are several large rocks about the same height as the driftwood. So it was a tarp Brendan put up, not a tent. I glance over at him. Now he's kneeling near the fire, extinguishing it with dirt and stones. I discover the pot I ate from last night, dangling from the backpack by a cord, sparkling clean.

"How did you get all this stuff?" I ask.

He scatters a few more handfuls of earth onto the embers. "When I woke up, you were gone," he says in a slightly accusatory tone. "I knew you wouldn't survive out there by yourself. Your escape plan was pure insanity!" He reaches for a bowl sitting near the campfire and hands it to me. "You should eat before we go. It's still warm. And there's more tea in the Thermos."

I take the spoon out of the bowl of oatmeal and start shoveling the creamy mass into my mouth like a starving person. I wonder if he's mad. He hasn't mentioned it yet, but maybe it was just to spare me the worst when I was half-dead. He might put the chain on me as soon as I finish eating.

There could be another possibility, though. I realize I can't ignore the question any longer. I'd never thought I'd ever find a way to change his mind, to get him to agree to let me go. But when he drank that knockout potion of his in order to protect me, it gave me a tiny glimmer of hope. I've been ignoring it, but it's still there, in my subconscious.

I glance discreetly at Brendan. He's squatting beside me, regarding me attentively, as if trying to figure out what I'm thinking about.

"I went back to the camper and got Grey," he finally says in response to my question from earlier.

"But how did you find me the first time? By the cliff, I mean?"

"I figured you'd follow the creek. No shortage of drinking water, and you're guaranteed not to go in circles." He picks up the tarp and ties it to the outside of the backpack. "When you ran away from the cliff, I went back for Grey so that he could find you. I knew there was a storm coming..."

"So you just packed everything a person needs to survive and started searching..."

"Killer of the Unprepared."

"What?"

"That's what they call death by hypothermia. Happens to a few tourists up here every year. Wind, rain, and temperatures under forty are the perfect conditions." Bren narrows his eyes. "What were you thinking? Stumbling through the wilderness at night, and then crossing the river... I thought you couldn't swim!" He shakes his head in disbelief.

"I can't," I reply quietly. "But what choice did I have?"

He rubs his face like he's trying to wipe an emotion away before it can build. "None, I guess. Apparently I'm more frightening than death." His voice sounds hard, but there's a defiant note in there, too. He goes on packing. "I fed Grey already. I'll just bandage your foot and then I'll bring you back."

A hard knot forms in the pit of my stomach as reality sinks its claws into me, and all of the thoughts I was trying to suppress come flooding back into my head at the same time. "Back?" I ask hoarsely. "Back where?"

He stops short. "To the camper, where else?" He avoids my eyes as he says it.

"Oh, of course," I mumble. There's a boulder on my chest. I feel tears start to form in my eyes, but I quickly swallow them. How could I have thought for a single moment that he might understand what it means to care about another person? If he really, truly liked me, he'd let me go. If he actually loved me, if I were actually the most important thing in the world to him, he would know that he can't keep me imprisoned without destroying me. He's obsessed with me, that's all. It doesn't matter how much or how little I care about him. He's never going to let me go. Never. Never. Never.

"Lou?"

The sudden gentleness of his voice burns. Why doesn't he understand what he's doing? How can he whisper my name so lovingly while he's being so terribly cruel? My cheeks are wet with the tears I was trying so hard to hold back.

"You thought the fact that I drank that stuff meant things would change, hm?"

I nod. There's no point in pretending around him.

"I'm sorry." He sounds so genuine, it makes me want to scream. "I wish I could let you go. I wish I could do it in order to prove to you how much you mean to me."

"Just do it, then!"

"I can't."

"M-maybe... maybe someday?"

"I drank that stuff because I was a danger to you. I was in the middle of a flashback, and anything was better than hurting you. At that moment, even losing you would have been better than knowing that I'd done something to you, or that you'd fallen to your death because of me."

"Maybe someday? Bren... please, just tell me... someday? Maybe? Someday?"

He smiles sadly, but doesn't reply, and I don't have the courage to repeat the question. I'm too scared to hear the no.

Silently, Brendan takes the gauze out of the backpack, then kneels in front of me and bandages my ankle. His fingers are strong and warm on my skin, and I have an urge to grab his hand and hold it there, so that I can feel human touch again. I know that what I probably ought to do is punch him and spit at him, but after last night, I know how much I long to be held. I miss Jay pinching my side affectionately, I miss Liam and Avery's hugs, I even miss Ethan's admonishing hand on my shoulder. I miss everything. And if I ever get back home, I'll never contradict Ethan again, I'll come home on time every night and do all my math homework. I wonder why it is that I'm only realizing how precious those things were now, after I've lost them. The little things. Watching TV together, eating dinner together, laughing together on the veranda...

"All right, there you go." Brendan tapes the bandage in place and looks at me. His face is blurry through my tears. My shoulders are shaking. After a while, I feel his hand on my cheek. Soft and rough. Hot and cold. Bitter and sweet. He wipes the streaked tears from my face, as if it will erase my pain. Oh, God, please tell me you're going to let me go. Just say it already!

"Maybe could mean never, and someday could be in ten years. So... okay, Lou. Maybe someday. Maybe someday. But don't ever ask me about it again."

I take a deep breath and burst out sobbing in the same moment. I press my lips together tightly, but it doesn't help. I suddenly have a lot more crying to do.