Chapter 28

CHAPTER 28

“ Y ou rotten, spoiled boy!”

Adrian stopped midstride on his way to his bedchamber. Turning around, he found his aunt standing nearby with a scowl on her face. The woman did not appear happy one whit that he had returned home at last.

What else was he to do? He couldn’t stay with Charlotte in the house. The few times he had returned were devastating. Just smelling her perfume or hearing her playing the piano left his stomach in knots that took hours to unravel. It became vital to his health to avoid any place that reminded him of her.

The opera house was a mistake. I cannot breathe without thinking of her.

“Auntie, it’s lovely to see you as well.”

Theodosia harrumphed as she started forward, closing the distance between them. Although Adrian felt the urge to run, he managed to stay put. He had no doubt Theodosia would chase him down.

“You have made a mess of everything,” she informed him.

Adrian bit his tongue so he wouldn’t speak back to her. Though they had playfully teased each other and argued throughout the years, he had never been harsh. The temptation had never been there.

Today was different. He was tired from sleeping in leather chairs at the club and wearing rumpled clothes. It had been three days since he had bathed. All he wanted was to have a bath and rest. Then he could move on with his life.

Charlotte will finally be out of the picture, and I can start to pretend that none of this ever happened. What was I thinking? There is no future for us together. No future at all. All I need to do is get out of the city. Once I’m out, everything will feel all right again.

He just needed to get far, far away. This crowded city was muddling his mind. How he had ever thought to even kiss Charlotte was beyond him. With those ruby red lips so soft and sweet… He shook his head to try and forget the kiss.

“Don’t shake your head at me.” Theodosia reached him with an affronted expression. “You are going to tell me right now what happened.”

Clearing his throat, he offered her a slight smile. “I beg your pardon, Aunt Theodosia. What is it you would like to hear?”

“I don’t want to hear anything but apologies.”

“It isn’t like I’ve broken a vase again, is it?” he asked, tired of her games. It had been years since he had done anything that warranted a true apology. All he made excuses for now was his absence. “I haven’t even been here for a few days, and I thought you would appreciate a quiet home.”

Her scowl only deepened, the lines of her face growing darker. “I don’t want a quiet home. I want to hear children’s laughter and music every minute of the day. And now you’re ruining everything.”

“My apologies,” he bit out. “Shall I fetch some from the poorhouse for you?”

“Adrian!” she said sharply before pinching her nose.

She turned on her heel and walked away. All he could hear was her huffing as she left him in the hall.

He watched her go. Noting she was very much upset, and this attitude wasn’t just a show for him, a twinge of guilt settled low in his stomach. He shifted as his discomfort grew.

Adrian thought about taking his leave. Maybe he should give her some time to cool down.

Or perhaps I should call for Lloyd. He could keep her calm. It cannot be good for my aunt to be so distressed. It cannot be good for her heart. If anyone could stop her, it would be him.

He took a step only for her to start back in his direction.

“Let us try this again,” she said in a much calmer voice.

Hesitating, he glanced around warily before focusing on her. He noted the lack of a hat today and how she was taking deep breaths to pull herself together.

“Why don’t we sit down?” he suggested. “It isn’t too far past tea time, and I think that would be best. You’re exerting yourself too much, Auntie, and I think we should––”

“I have tried,” she interrupted him while clasping her hands together before her. “I have tried to do everything I could to help. You will not be young forever, Adrian. The years will find you before you are prepared. I have done my best to give you the space you so clearly need. I have done that for years, have I not?”

Adrian thought back to her constant letters asking him to come back to London. Yes, he had his space because he had claimed it. She had never stopped asking him to come back.

But I suppose I cannot fault her for it. She has always desired more company, more family. I only wish she had her own children to keep her company. She never understood that I needed to live my own life.

“I suppose so,” he relented.

“This is the longest time we have spent together in years,” she went on in a softer voice. “It must have been strange to be here for so long. Especially in the company of a young lady who challenged you to be your best. I saw something in the two of you. But recently, something changed. Can you tell me what happened, Adrian?”

He should have known it would come to this. Maybe he did know. Maybe that was why his feet were pointed in the other direction, ready to bolt. He struggled to stay put, as he wanted to run away.

This was not the conversation he wanted to have with his aunt. He’d already spent a week torturing himself over this.

But I did what I must. It was the only option. The only way.

Finding he couldn’t look his aunt in the eye, Adrian lowered his gaze. “I did what you asked. She is a brilliant young lady and has had a successful Season so far, hasn’t she? Everyone adores her. There were several offers to court her as well as marry her.”

“Ah. Yes, of course. That is what we wanted, I suppose.”

“Indeed, it was,” he forced himself to say.

Then he understood it was time that his aunt knew the rest of it. The truth that pained him so terribly he would rather have his teeth pulled than admit it. But it was his only choice.

“In fact, Charlotte even agreed to marry one of the men.”

The woman stumbled back in surprise. There was no hiding that expression, the raw pain and bewilderment. A moment later, it all disappeared like it was never there. But he saw it and wondered.

Why did she look as pained as my heart?

“I had no idea. Why… Who is it? Who will Charlotte marry?”

He opened his mouth to tell her the story of how it had happened, how he had talked to Charlotte about her choices and how he had kissed her. Then how he sat up all night long debating what to do. Holding back the urge to chase after her, weighing the pros and cons of marrying someone who was much more eligible than himself.

“The Earl of Rhymen.” He cleared his throat. “He took Charlotte on three strolls and two rides, and he danced with her on every occasion. The man has no debt, two decent estates, and will make for a fine husband.”

“So you could write a book about him, could you?” Theodosia’s lips twisted in a grimace. She shook her head. “It was not supposed to go this way.”

He raised an eyebrow, the bitterness setting in. “What did you think would happen?”

“I thought you would be smarter than this.”

Sighing, he took a step back. “I am sorry to disappoint you, Auntie. Is that all? I would like to bathe before the day is over. The marriage contract is being signed off. I’ll have it sent to you after Charlotte signs it.”

“Then you’ve already sent it to her?”

The wording confused him. “Sent it to her?”

“Yes, of course. She returned yesterday to the country. It seems Charlotte lost interest in the Season—in the ton.”

Theodosia stared him down like it was his fault. Was it? He held his breath, letting the news settle uncomfortably on his shoulders.

“She was gone in a matter of minutes, really, ready to return to her cousins and leave us behind.”

“I… I didn’t know that.”

Did the house feel more empty than usual? Slowly glancing around as though he might see Charlotte even now, Adrian swallowed hard. He knew he wouldn’t find her here. But he hadn’t expected it to hurt. A deep ache struck him that nearly left him breathless.

Dear Lord, what am I doing?

“She’ll marry then,” Theodosia said with her fingertips over her lips. “She’ll marry, and she’ll live elsewhere, and she’ll never wish to visit again. How could this have happened?”

Adrian moved backward until he stumbled into the wall. The thud didn’t knock nearly enough sense into him right now. Inhaling deeply, he tried to slow down the thudding of his heart. It was starting to hurt.

“So, she really will marry him?” he asked quietly.

“The silly woman told me about it just before she left… Oh, Adrian, are you going to let her make this mistake?”

He blinked. “Mistake?”

Hurrying over to him, Theodosia tugged on his coat and frowned. “Be serious, Adrian! I have tried and tried again to bring the two of you together. You cannot be so blind as to ignore the connection between you both. It is obvious to all that you two are a good match!”

“Auntie!”

“Better than a good match,” she snapped, her temper flaring. “The two of you are clearly meant for one another. You challenge each other, you adore one another. And you are the two most obstinate people I have ever known! What is it? Why you would rather live in fear than with her?”

The blood drained from Adrian’s face. He didn’t believe any of it. He didn’t believe a word she said. He couldn’t. She was wrong. She had to be.

He swallowed past the lump in his throat. “I… No, I only…”

Pushing him away, Theodosia slumped. She appeared much smaller than usual with her shoulders slumped and her head lowered. Though he offered her his hand, he dropped it after a second.

“She’ll marry and leave us,” she whispered. “Is that what you wished for? Are your travels that important?”

A long silence fell over them.

Adrian’s mind spun while he tried to find a way to answer that question, to tell his aunt that it didn’t matter. That all of this was for the best. His mouth opened and closed several times over in his attempt, making no progress along the way. The thumping of his heart had yet to quiet; he couldn’t think clearly with that in the way. It thumped and thumped and thumped until he thought he was going to go mad.

What if I made a mistake?

He should have felt glad to have Charlotte off his hands for good. Watching her walk away and drafting the marriage contract was supposed to be a relief. Instead, he’d felt sick to his stomach every second since he’d let her go. Since he broke their kiss in his study, everything had felt wrong.

What if it only feels right once I have her in my arms again? How can my entire life now revolve around her nearness? I don’t know how to exist like this, with someone.

“It’s all wrong,” he murmured.

“It is, isn’t it?” Theodosia lifted a hand to her brow. “Oh, I fear I must sit down, after all. This is too much for my nerves. Lloyd was right. You foolish children must make your own mistakes—I cannot do it all for you. But before I go, Adrian, you will hear me on one last matter.”

Still struggling to process a single thought, Adrian could only nod.

“Good.” She dropped her hand and straightened up, a serious expression on her face. “You have one last chance. One more until it’s all over. I know you like to be alone. It means you get to be safe and you don’t have to worry about anyone. But that is a half-life, young man. You just have to be willing to be brave. Acting like a cad or a rake is not who you are. It never was.”

He felt a flush spread across his cheeks. “Auntie?—”

“Listen to me! Adrian, you are a good man. You have always had a big heart no matter how hard you try to hide it. I saw that in you when you were a child, and I see it in you even now. While I cannot comprehend why you would ever imagine you don’t deserve happiness, I am telling you as your aunt that that is not the case. Keeping this distance from the world will not bring anyone joy, especially not yourself. Whatever idea you have about marriage is nonsense.”

He tried to step back but forgot there was a wall. “Auntie…”

“I mean it,” she said with a stern look. “You deserve every good thing in this world. What will it take for you to understand? Stop fighting it. Stop fighting happiness and enjoy yourself. You are not your father.” A choked sound escaped him, but she went on. “You never were. That man is dead and gone—and good riddance. Your mother deserved better, and I wish she had known the person you became. I wish you could see your reflection better. Do you hear me? You are not your father. You have the chance to live a life better than he ever could. So stop fighting your own heart.”

Adrian could do nothing but nod.

It was like she had lit a fire within him, one he had kept stifling for so long. He could still see his father’s anger and the fear in his mother. All this time, he had thought he was keeping himself safe from the past. But what if he was only preventing himself from a happy future?

Thinking of Charlotte made him sag against the wall. He thought of their time together. The arguing, the laughter, the kiss––he wanted it all. He had loved it all.

And I’ve pushed her away. What have I done?