Chapter 26

CHAPTER 26

H umming down the hall, Charlotte couldn’t help but skip a little to make her dress swish around her ankles. The gentle sound made her chuckle. It was reminiscent of how her gown, amongst many others, had sounded during this evening’s ball.

And what a ball it was!

She couldn’t stop smiling over how well it had gone.

All night long, she had floated. She had worn her newest gown, a delightful dress in a soft purple with embroidered flowers that glittered in the candlelight. Her hair had been pinned up with pearl pins, and her godmother had lent her a thick string of pearls.

They were beginning to weigh her down after an evening of excitement. She brushed her bare hands over them, since she’d removed her gloves upon their return home.

For once, Charlotte had felt truly prepared for an outing such as this one. She had been dressed beautifully for the event, from head to toe. And then everything had gone so well all evening. It had been perfect .

“What a stunning figure you cut tonight,” their hostess had told her in the receiving line. “I don’t see how anyone could pay any mind to my ballroom tonight for the way we shall be admiring you.”

“That cannot be,” Charlotte had thought to reply with as much grace and cheer as she could muster, “for anything I do well tonight shall reflect on your talents for hosting splendid balls. I’m so very grateful for your invitation.”

Their host had grinned at them. “I assure you, it’s our pleasure. Please, enjoy yourselves tonight.”

Her godmother had been right at her side, nodding and smirking along the way. And behind them hovered Adrian, who hardly said a word. At the beginning of the evening, especially on the carriage ride, Charlotte had been perplexed about how to behave around him. She was considering a half-hearted apology when he took her arm for a turn about the ballroom, only for him to speak up instead.

“About earlier,” he had said in a quiet voice. She glanced up to see the hesitation on his face even as he watched his aunt leave their side to greet her friends. “I would like to beg your pardon for my behavior.”

While that may not be a perfect apology, it is certainly a fair one to expect from the likes of him. Can I not appreciate that?

“Think nothing of it,” Charlotte had reassured him. “I may have pushed you too far—I should have been kinder.”

She was surprised to hear him snort. It was loud enough that an older gentleman turned in their direction with a frown.

Adrian told her, “No, it is good to have someone willing to stand up to me on occasion.”

“Because you need to be humbled?” she offered.

The look he gave her was more than a little sardonic. There was some mirth in his eyes that perhaps he saved just for her. “Do not foster such hopes. Now, have you any dances reserved? They shall begin soon.”

Lifting her free arm to show the dance card attached to her wrist, Charlotte shook her head. “We have only just arrived, but I’m sure I will enjoy a dance or two tonight.”

“Certainly you will,” he had told her before grabbing the dance card.

He wrote down his name in tiny letters. They had not danced together before. Too stunned to speak, Charlotte watched in bewilderment.

“There. At least one. As for your first dance this evening, I believe…” Adrian had trailed off as a young gentleman came to introduce his parents to the two of them.

Lord Andrews had taken Charlotte on a carriage ride and was clearly pressing her suit.

Following that, Charlotte was caught up in a whirlwind of wonderous excitement. She talked and laughed and flirted, dancing and strolling with everyone who desired her company. Adrian disappeared early. She missed him, she found, wishing to share her annoyance at others’ ridiculous comments. She wanted to hear his obnoxious grunt of amusement and have his steady arm at her side.

It was all a lovely blur until he returned to her for his dance.

“I’ve hardly danced a waltz before,” she admitted when he had come for her, taking her arm and leading her to the center of the room. Charlotte debated how much vulnerability to share. “It was not where I excel, Adrian. It’s rather slow.”

“You do like speed. Fortunately, you’re dancing with me.”

Her lips twitched in amusement at his overly confident comment. “Is that all I need to dance a perfect waltz, then?”

Moving them into position, he met her gaze and held it intently. “You can do anything you put your mind to, Charlotte. Do not forget that.”

There was something about this moment that left her breathless, unable to say another word. She managed a nod. Then a small squeak escaped her as the music picked up. Adrian nearly picked her up as well, nudging her to move. It should have been a terrible stumble. She hastily picked up her steps, wondering how the Duke kept them moving.

I should not use his Christian name so freely. And yet he is hardly the Duke to me most of the time. When did this happen? I feel as though we are becoming friends again. Or something similar, perhaps. We’re not arguing. He’s being charming. Why, someone could easily confuse our conversation for flirtation. As if a duke should desire me. As if Adrian would… And yet would that be terribly awful?

Charlotte’s thoughts ran away with her until her dance partner called her back. His lips were exceptionally close to her ear when he whispered, “Stop thinking.”

“How?” she murmured back.

“Charlotte,” he scolded with a mild smile. “No questions. No worries. Just consider the music. Consider us.”

So she did. No matter what Adrian might have implied, Charlotte danced with him to the music and considered how well she fit in his arms. She smelled his rich musk, a fine cologne with a hint of pine. The man was hotter than a fire the way he held her even at a small distance, his comforting heat washing over her. He soothed her and excited her all at once. She felt the urge to tease him, to laugh with him, to do something with her tongue.

The waltz was a long one. It gave Charlotte a long time to dance in Adrian’s arms, slowly letting herself trust him. The man spun them with abandon. It could have been a minute or a lifetime together. Her heart beat wildly in her chest, and she had the strangest thought when they finally came to a stop.

I always thought marriage was boring. But if I were to marry a man like Adrian, I cannot imagine a single dull moment at his side.

While it had only been one dance, Charlotte could still hear the music hours later. She’d enjoyed the supper dance and then supper with Lord Andrews, to be certain, and participated in several more dances with other eligible bachelors. It had all gone so well. Everyone adored her, and she had been charmed by everyone she spoke to throughout the evening.

Theodosia had chattered enough for all three of them during the short carriage ride home. Always a fountain of gossip, she shared everything she had learned up until Charlotte was removing her gloves.

“Charlotte?” Adrian had asked when Theodosia paused only to instruct Lloyd on one matter or another. “I would like to speak with you in my study when you have a chance. Perhaps in the morning?”

Feeling confident and more awake than she should be at such a late hour, Charlotte shook her head. “I can speak with you now if you like. I’m not tired.”

“Very well. Meet me there in a few minutes. I’ll be ready for you soon,” he added before taking his leave.

Once he was gone, Charlotte had taken her time handing everything over to her maid. She’d even removed her shoes, tired as her feet were. And then she walked slowly down the hall. Whether it was the excitement of the evening, the music still playing in her heart, or the thrill of the evening, she glided down the hall to reach the door to Adrian’s study.

He must desire to speak about tonight. What if he felt the same way that I did? That I do? I thought a lifetime of traveling abroad would be satisfactory. And yet… I no longer fear or disdain the idea of marriage. Not with him. Oh, what if he does feel as I do?

“Adrian, there you are!” She strode into the study feeling light as a feather. Her heart swelled at the sight of him—she was unable to understand how her feelings had changed over such a short time. “Oh, bother. You are pouting.”

“Dukes don’t pout,” he told her, rising to his feet. “Come join me. I have an important matter to discuss. Why don’t you sit down?”

Important? She smiled while her heart skipped a beat. There was such a serious glint in his eyes that she didn’t know what to make of it. What did he have to say?

Maybe he is still thinking about the dance as well. Can he hear the tune still? I never thought to enjoy such a dance with him, but I felt that connection. I’m not such a fool as to deny a thing like that.

“Very well. I am sitting down.” She did so in a dramatic fashion, beaming as she took her usual chair. “What shall we discuss? The salmon? Because it was too soaked in rosemary, and I find it very important that we never have to eat something so sour again.”

“It’s not the salmon.” He rubbed his hands together before lowering down to his desk. Then he moved them to his hips and his pockets as if he didn’t know what to do with them. He dropped them at his sides and frowned as he studied her.

“No? Whatever else could it be, then?”

Her smile was so wide that her cheeks hurt. She waited for him to respond. When a tense silence began to mount between them, her smile slowly faded away.

So it was a sobering topic, after all. Licking her lips, Charlotte tried to think. What could he have to say to her?

Oh dear, if he’s about to say he felt that connection as well, what would we do? I can already imagine a life where we can be together. Long rides in the mornings, perhaps. We could read to each other. Constant teasing. Definitely some arguing that we would put an end to by dancing together or perhaps kissing. I would like to know what it is like to kiss someone someday. Adrian must be experienced in such an art. Would he teach me before we part ways?

Adrian looked away for a minute before clearing his throat. He shuffled a few papers before straightening up.

An announcement. His serious expression didn’t falter. She felt the silence grow even thicker, and she hesitated. What if there was a problem? She might have made a mistake tonight. Fantasizing was a waste of time.

“We have spent weeks together,” he spoke very articulately, “in an effort to showcase you as an eligible young lady. While our lessons have not always been easy, or swift, I must admit you have shown yourself most adept and well-mannered amongst the beau monde .”

That seemed to be an odd host of compliments. She started to wrinkle her nose. This was not a way to propose marriage, she feared. And then it suddenly struck her what was happening. Something was wrong. This was not going to end well.

Adrian is saying goodbye.

“As we have established your presence here in London, you have been courted by countless gentlemen, many of whom are a wise choice for a husband. Because of that…”

Charlotte sprang up to her feet as she felt the alarm strike her hard. Her heart stopped beating. She stared at Adrian, feeling sick. This was it. He was leaving––leaving her . To think anything else of the man was a mistake; from the beginning, he had been clear that he would not be here for long. He had never wanted to help her in the beginning, so he was finally leaving.

It was a cruel prank. She didn’t know how she had started to care for him, and she hated herself for it. And in turn, she had to hate him.

“What do you think you are doing?” she demanded.

Unflinching, Adrian continued in a steady voice. “Because of that, Charlotte—because of you, there have been two offers for your hand just tonight. Two other suitors came forward this month, but I refused their suit on your behalf. But these are eligible bachelors who will be a fine match for you.”

Other eligible bachelors that wouldn’t include him .

“I don’t want them,” she reminded him. Anger made her cheeks flush. “Adrian, I told you. If I married, it wouldn’t be to any of them.”

He glanced down at his desk. “I didn’t even tell you who it was. This is what all of our lessons were leading toward, Charlotte. You knew this.”

Throwing her hands up in frustration, she huffed. “I knew that was what we discussed! But I never agreed to it. I won’t marry anyone I don’t want to.”

“They would be a fine match for you, either of them,” he pointed out.

“Is that all you wished to discuss tonight?” she demanded suddenly.

He jerked back with a confused frown. “What else would we discuss?”

She opened her mouth but couldn’t say the words. She bit her lip and looked away.

Grabbing the papers, Adrian cleared his throat noisily and rounded his desk to be closer to her. “Charlotte, you are a single lady with fine accomplishments, a good dowry, and no family to support you. This is your chance to have a family of your own. These gentlemen are well-respected, they admire you, and will give you a comfortable life.”

Disappointment stung her deeply.

Taking a step back, she said, “I don’t want a comfortable life. I want… I want something more. Something better. Something real .”

She couldn’t help but raise her eyes to look at him. Finding him staring back at her, Charlotte felt certain he knew what she was talking about.

This was real. Their touches, their arguments, their shared smiles. It had to be real.

Isn’t it?

“Adrian…”

He blinked, and she lost it. She lost him. “What is it, Lady Charlotte?”

Realizing that she truly was a fool, she dropped her head until her chin hit her chest. She should never have gotten her hopes up. Her heart shouldn’t have grown entangled in their conversations and the time they spent together. And her books! Those silly novels weren’t anything like the truth of her life.

She had been a fool to dream. So she lifted her head, wearing a mask of indifference so he could never see the parts of her that were beginning to break.

“It’s nothing. I don’t care, actually. I find… It doesn’t matter. Choose for me.” She lifted her chin. “You’re such a clever man. I’m sure you’ll make the right choice.”

His brow furrowed, confusion evident in his features until he gave a quick shake that smoothed everything out.

“Don’t be ridiculous. Why would you let me make such a permanent choice for you?”

It had only been a second, but she thought she heard the uncertainty in his question.

“Why not?”

“Why not? Because! You should be shouting at me.” He frowned, even more bewildered now. “You should be laughing in my face about this entire affair. You should be resisting, at least. You already told me that you don’t wish to marry. Why would you give up now?”

Yes, my independence. Why would I ever let go of that?

“You are a paragon of Society.” She tried to keep the mockery from her voice as she shakily stood up, holding tight to her chair for balance. Her legs felt weak, but she refused to let him see it. “I trust you, Adrian. And you’ve asked me to trust you. You have led me along all this way. This is a race you started, so I am merely asking you to finish it for the both of us.”

“But…”

She turned away when she felt hot tears prick the corners of her eyes. Starting toward the door, Charlotte sucked in a deep breath. She reached for the doorknob––

“Charlotte!” A hand landed on her shoulder, forcing her to turn back around.

Inhaling deeply, she stared up at Adrian. Her thoughts were still trying to catch up to her. “Yes?”

“Why?” His voice came out rough. Those pale green eyes bored into hers, vulnerable and overwhelmed. “You mad woman. Why do you torture me like this?”

She felt his other hand come up, cradling her cheek. His touch was so hot she could hardly bear it. She leaned into his hand, putting her hand over his so he wouldn’t leave her. Not yet.

“I can’t bear the thought of you with someone else.”

She felt her heart racing and her knees trembling. If she survived this encounter, she would probably have to crawl up to her room. But that was another thing to worry about as his words echoed in her mind.

“Why?” Charlotte gathered the courage to ask.

No matter his answer, she wasn’t certain if she could bear it. She could hardly bear being in his arms. Every part of her body was on fire; she felt him everywhere. Breathing him in, Charlotte forgot the world.

Everything else disappeared in the next moment as he leaned down, angling his head to take her lips in a fierce kiss. If this was war, she would have been pulverized. Now, she clung to Adrian in desperation to taste every inch of his mouth. He kissed her repeatedly, holding her close.

“More,” Charlotte groaned when his lips trailed over her jaw. “More, Adrian. I––”

“No.” He jerked his head back and then released her. She stumbled back, staring at him with wide eyes, her swollen lips parted. “That didn’t happen.”

She could still feel his lips on her own. His kiss had burned her from the inside out. She met his gaze. “But it did. What… What was that?”

“A mistake,” he said flatly, looking disgusted. “A terrible mistake. Think nothing of it. I shouldn’t have… It was a foolish mistake I should have never made.”

Refusing to accept that, she shook her head and started forward. “No. You wanted that. I did, too, Adrian. That wasn’t a mistake . I may not have much experience, but I know that much. You can kiss me again if you like, but I won’t believe such nonsense––”

“Charlotte.”

He stepped back, and this time she stopped. Those green eyes of his had grown cold and distant. She hadn’t seen him look at her like that before.

“I cannot give you what you want.”

A shiver ran down her spine. “But…” she mumbled weakly, “you don’t even know what I want.”

He stepped forward again but avoided touching her as he reached for the doorknob, motioning for her to leave. Perhaps she should. But her lips stung, and her lungs burned.

“Adrian, let’s talk about this,” she tried, attempting to salvage this evening and whatever was between them.

“No. You will want what I cannot give,” he repeated. “I cannot have one woman for the rest of my life. You’ll only end up hurt and alone.”

“I already am,” she pointed out softly before mustering her courage. Surely if she was willing to try, he would follow. “But I know how to be happy. And I could make us happy, Adrian. You enjoy my company—I know that much. I can practice my kissing if that is what has upset you. If I’m not… If I’m not desirable enough, then…”

He scoffed, looking away. “You’re desirable just like any other young woman, Charlotte. There’s nothing special about you.”

All of the heat she had felt between them, the fire that had been stoked during that magnificently short kiss, died down. It froze over like a sudden storm. She couldn’t feel her toes or her fingers. She couldn’t even feel the beating of her heart.

“Nothing special…” She mouthed the words that struck her over and over again.

Adrian wouldn’t meet her gaze. It seemed he had said all he thought needed to be said.

She told herself she should have expected this all along. There had never been anything real between them. He had only used her and strung her along. None of those moments meant anything.

Feeling her heart breaking for good this time, her na?ve hopes dashed, Charlotte left him there with a fervent plan to never return.