SOREN

I woke up completely hangover-free, but somehow, on a subconscious level, I didn't even expect to feel knocked down from all those drinks. It was about 8:00 am, which meant it was time for us to go to breakfast and class, but I lay awake for a long time—motionless, desperately pushing away the moment when the hellish ‘conscience-hangover' would start.

Skye's dick was still buried in me, as it had been all night. Super-crazy-night.

It was difficult to believe that an alpha was capable of such a long erection, except during the heat, when they were known to maintain it for up to several days.

What did it even mean? I knew—felt—that Skye already had his own opinion on it. Of course, True Mates were known for their intense attraction and insatiable libido, able to go at it like rabbits all day long. But I didn't let myself entertain that absurd thought because it would've been… just too perfect. And it would've shattered all my fears and the walls I'd so carefully built around myself since the day Anton left. And I just wasn't convinced there was a need for that.

In fact, I didn't want to analyze it. At all. I'd hate to get my hopes up because I knew that if it turned out not to be true, I'd feel even more crushed, devastated.

My philosophy was simple: expect the worst, and at best, you'll be pleasantly surprised. I lived by that motto.

Carefully, inch by inch, I pulled away from Skye, feeling his dick slip out of me slowly. I regretted that the connection was ending, but a new day had begun, and what happened yesterday… well, belonged in yesterday. I had to deal with it now, and with my trembling, writhing conscience.

Skye didn't wake up. He just muttered something, and his hand made a gesture like he wanted to reach for me, but I was already gone, so it just fell back onto the blanket.

I got up quietly, picking up my clothes from the floor. Putting them back on wasn't pleasant, especially since my thighs were practically glued together, streaks of dried semen covering them. I didn't even want to touch my ass; it was crusted over with it too.

A similar layer coated my lower abdomen. I'd lost count of how many times I'd come. It was insane—one long, hours-long frenzy of ecstasy.

I sneaked out of the room as cautiously as possible and headed to mine for a shower and some time to think about what I needed to do next.

Mainly, facing the horrible reality of me… cheating. It all felt heavy, inevitable, as I stood under the warm streams of water, washing away the traces of the sin I'd committed.

The grim realization was there: I needed to urgently call Liam.

Yet, there was something else gnawing at me, as I looked at my body in the mirror. One thing was almost shocking. During the crazy evening, Skye had left a lot of hickeys on my body—I saw them when I stood up for a minute to grab a bottle of mineral water—I glimpsed red spots all over my chest and neck in the wall mirror. Now… my skin was damn flawless. What the fuck just happened? Also—my hole. It should have been wrecked, sore and swollen, but it was not. It was as if I hadn't even had sex yesterday, let alone an all-nighter!

Even the bite mark on my neck gland looked healed, pale, flat, like an already stable mating scar and… the area around it wasn't hypersensitive at all. And it should have been—Skye bit me hard (which I loved)!

But I couldn't dwell on that too long because something else, much more disturbing, caught my attention.

My nipples looked different than usual. Instead of their normal raspberry-pink hue, they were now dark red, almost burgundy.

Fear gripped my throat. They always changed color like this the day before… my mini-heat.

Was this happening again? Was Fate really this cruel to me? I stared at my body… my treacherous body. Having unprotected sex even up to seven days before a heat meant—I'd get pregnant.

Fuck, no! I cursed under my breath and pressed my hands to my face.

In situations like this, an omega would just take a morning-after pill, but with my messed-up body, that wouldn't work. A beta's hormonal system was significantly different from an omega's, whose hormones were produced by neck glands.

All the available drugs affected that production, but for some betas, like me, there wasn't much to block. Our glands were only minimally active. The pregnancy mechanism was unusual—there were many differences even among betas themselves. Often, the hormones that sustained pregnancy didn't come from the neck glands but from quasi-ovaries, or sometimes a mix of the two, interacting with each other in a multitude of ways. That was why hormonal treatments were unreliable.

At moments like this, I cursed my fate—why I had to be some weird mutant—a beta with omega traits that came in the form of bigger nipples and a slick-producing ass. But not only that, also with something far more distressing and tragic.

Cursing under my breath, I dried my hair and dressed in a way that hid the new scar on my neck under a turtleneck. For some reason, I didn't want to fuel Skye's suspicions about our mateship, as it did… fuel mine enough. But I managed to forcefully push it out of my mind.

Then I grabbed my phone and sat on the bed, curling my legs underneath me.

Yes, I had to make that dreaded call. I'd done what I would never forgive any boyfriend for doing. Hypocrite. Cheater. That's what I'd become.

My hand trembled as I dialed his number.

"Soren?" I heard Liam's voice, a hint of happiness in it. Sadly, his happiness wouldn't last long.

"Hey, I have some bad news."

"What happened? Where are you?"

"What happened? Well… where to start. I don't have any excuse for what I did, except that I was drinking. But even that doesn't fully explain it. I think I wanted it—no matter how shitty that sounds—I've wanted it for so long."

There was a brief silence on the line, then Liam asked in a seemingly calm tone, "Did you sleep with him?"

"Yes." I barely recognized my own voice. It sounded choked, as if something was gripping my throat, drenched in so much shame that I had to clear it just to keep talking.

The silence on the other end of the line was deep and heavy. It lasted for a while—I waited and waited until I finally heard quiet sobs, and realized Liam was crying.

"Liam, I'm sorry. I'm just a fucking slut. You didn't deserve this…"

I could still hear him sobbing, struggling to breathe, almost choking.

"Liam, I'm toxic. My life is a mess. I don't even know what to do. I'm all over the place. I make one decision, then I change it. I'm constantly doubting myself, and I'm so damn scared. You don't even grasp how fucking scared I am!" I babbled, feeling a sharp pain in my chest.

Liam hadn't done anything wrong. During those two months when I was separated from Skye, he'd been nothing but supportive. He put up with all my moods, dealt with my not-so-pleasant presence every day, made me breakfast and dinner, cleaned up, and generally took care of me like I was a child while I was curled up in pain, missing Skye. He really deserved more than just being cheated on by his drunken (more like just tipsy!) boyfriend.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what to do. And the worst part is, I think I'm going into heat. I'm seeing changes in my body that suggest it could happen today, maybe tomorrow, or in the next couple of days. When that comes… I'm sorry, but I won't be able to stop myself again."

A loud huff. "I'm coming to you, Soren! I'm already at work, I have something urgent to finish, but I'll be there…" I heard his voice breaking, and a wave of fear washed over me.

"Liam, I still have the rest of my course today. My last class ends around 3:00 pm. We're scheduled to head back early Saturday morning. Don't do anything rash—"

"I'm coming! I really don't want you spending your heat with him. You know how it works!"

"No, I don't! I'm not an omega, Liam. I don't form that kind of emotional bond like AOs do. And it only lasts a few hours, sometimes three, sometimes five!"

"You don't get it! His obsession with you will skyrocket after, as it happened with Don. AOs form strong attachments during—"

"It's not even certain the mini-heat will happen today!"

"But if it does, you'll end up in his arms. Then, it'll get harder and harder for you to say no to him," he almost whimpered. I could tell how much it hurt him to say those words.

"Liam, don't do it. Don't come here. It's pointless, you can't just stop it like that—"

"Stop what? You falling into his arms?"

"Liam, that's not fair. You don't understand how strong it is, you just don't understand!"

"What don't I understand, Soren? That I don't know what it means to want someone so much? Trust me, I know. Those two months I slept next to you, I wanted you every single day, but I had to hold back."

I felt something break inside me. It was such an awful pain. Liam was right—he'd held back. Me? I'd set the bar so much lower for myself. I just jumped on Skye's dick after a few drinks, more of an excuse than a real reason. If I was honest with myself, I knew I wasn't even that tipsy. My mind was pretty clear, it wasn't a case of drunk sex you could regret… It was just plain, simple cheating.

"Liam, I'll be back tomorrow morning. Just stay hopeful, okay?"

"And if you come back and the heat starts when you're with me, will you spend it with me? Will you let me—"

I felt a wave of dread wash over me, and I shivered. No, I couldn't. I just couldn't! I could never do that. The thought of him being with me, inside me… no! But those words didn't make it out of my mouth. I'd hurt him enough already.

"Liam, I'm just asking you to be patient. Please, try to understand me, okay?"

"What's there to understand? I get what lust is, Soren! My libido is pretty healthy. But I need to know: do you still want to be with me, or with him? I forgive you for what you did. I might sound desperate, but I'll do anything to have you with me, even if it means sharing you with him from time to time. But please, don't say it's over."

I couldn't keep this conversation going any longer. Sharing? It was too twisted, even for me.

"I'm not saying that. I just need to calm down and think things over."

"He's an alpha, Soren. He'll never be a good choice for a beta."

"I know that, Liam. I'll be back tomorrow morning, and we'll talk. We'll figure it out."

Then, I quickly hung up. I couldn't handle any more of this emotional tug-of-war.

As I stood up, feeling dizzy, I heard a knock on the door and immediately knew who it was. I opened it, and Skye walked in, watching me closely.

He reached out to hug me, but I took a quick step back, feeling far too shaky and stressed from the conversation I had with Liam.

There was a brief moment when our eyes met—his full of hope, mine more reserved—and I almost physically felt the moment it settled in him: the realization that I wasn't like yesterday, that the distance between us was back.

"We're already late, Skye. We've got fifteen minutes to eat breakfast, and then we have to go to class."

Skye's face looked startled and uncertain.

After a night like that, he surely expected a sweet greeting, not the cold shoulder. I knew it was messed up—this twisted game of push and pull. I had to agree with people's frequent assessment of me: ‘toxic', mainly because I was so indecisive, tangled in all those dilemmas that ate at me day and night. I didn't know what to do with myself, and everyone around me was suffering because of it.

Pursing my lips, I walked past him and out of the room, and he followed. We walked in silence, which felt horribly uncomfortable. Thankfully, there were some other people in the elevator because I didn't even want to look at his face.

When we got to the hotel dining room, there were only two people left from our course, finishing their meals. We grabbed what was left and sat down to eat with barely ten minutes remaining. I stared at my plate. At some point, Skye tried to take my hand, but I pulled it away.

"I called Liam," I muttered.

Seriously, I couldn't believe I even brought that up. This was the worst possible time to start that conversation, but it just slipped out.

Skye let out a loud sigh.

Only then did I muster the courage to look at him. He was pale, his jaw clenched tight. I could sense his frustration and growing anger, but I didn't have the mental strength to deal with his emotions while my own were such a mess.

"And? What did Liam say?" he asked, his tone dry.

"He forgives me for cheating on him. He wants me to come back to him. But there's a serious problem."

Skye stayed silent, turning his gaze toward the hotel window.

"My heat is coming soon. It could happen tonight or tomorrow morning. I don't know, it's hard to predict with me."

I saw him flinch slightly. He turned back to me, his eyes wide.

"Heat?"

"Yes, my mini-heat."

I could practically hear the gears turning in Skye's head as he pieced things together.

His face paled. "Oh God, Soren… we did it without protection. If your heat is so close… I'm sorry, it's my fault, I lost my mind, all I wanted—"

I snorted in frustration. "Your fault? No, all of it is my fault… and my stupidity. And being a whore. That's my punishment."

"Soren, stop. If you really do go into heat, there's a big chance—"

"I know that, Skye! You don't need to spell it out," I snapped, feeling my nerves spiking.

"Is there anything you can do to stop it? Like a morning-after pill or something?"

"There's nothing. Not with my screwed-up beta hormone levels. I've tried before, and it didn't work. The only option would be abortion. But really, what's the difference? Abortion or miscarriage. I just don't want to involve doctors and deal with those pitying looks. They always stare at me and most likely think, ‘Defective, pathetic beta, you poor thing, so fucked up!'" I sounded angry and bitter, this whole situation was pissing me off so much. "My body is a mess. I have no control over it. I don't know what to do, it's too much for me."

Skye grabbed my hand, this time quickly enough that I didn't have a chance to pull away. His strong fingers closed tightly around my bony ones.

"Soren, I promise you, you won't go through this alone. I'll be with you every step of the way. I swear—"

"What good is that? Do you think it's just about the pain? That's only a few hours, I can handle it. But there's something else, something I don't even let myself think about."

My voice trembled, even though I didn't want it to. I squeezed my eyes shut.

"The problem is… I wanted these children to live."

Skye fell silent. I could tell he hadn't expected this. It probably didn't fit his image of me. I didn't look like someone with paternal instincts—more like a pathetic, rebellious, half-baked bad boy and campus rent boy, yup.

But the truth was—I wanted to be a dad. Deep down, under all my shenanigans, I wanted to have a child, to love, to care, to give, and to…

"I know how it sounds. It only lasted two and a half months at best. Maybe it wasn't even a child yet, too early to think that way. But that's not the point. The point is, they were my blood. They could've become little people. And I want kids, Skye! I've always wanted them, even knowing I'm a beta. I just… I want kids, period. And that's the real issue here. It's too much to bear, knowing my own body will kill them, that it won't let them live. And this time, it would be your child too, Skye—" I cut myself off; this whole conversation was just too painful.

Skye was squeezing my hand so tightly it almost hurt, but that was exactly what I needed to take my mind off the topic.

"How do you know you're going into heat? Are you sure?"

"Yes," I muttered and sighed heavily. "My nipples changed color today. They always get darker, almost a maroon color, right before the heat."

"They were like that last night, Soren."

I blinked. "What?"

"Yes, when we made love. They were already like that. I noticed it too, and I remembered them well from before we graduated. They had a much lighter pink shade then."

"Seriously? So, that means…" I focused inward. I knew—knew he was right. The wave of heat was already creeping up at the edge of my consciousness. "Damn! It's a matter of hours. I don't even know if I'll make it through the rest of the lectures!"

"Will you let me, Soren? Will you agree—?"

I closed my eyes. "What do you think? I had a serious problem saying no to you while not in a heat, and during a heat? It would be impossible."

I saw a faint blush on his cheeks. His fingers gripped mine tighter, and I hissed slightly before he quickly let go.

"I'll make it as pleasant as possible for you."

"I trust you will. But let's go. We're already late."

I got up and put my tray away. Skye followed me silently as we headed toward the D-Project building for the day's first class.