SOREN

It's hard to explain what I was feeling at that moment. Skye's presence meant a lot to me, but it also scared the hell out of me. He'd seen me at my most vulnerable, washed me, looked at my naked body not with desire but with care. That changed everything.

Skye was a kind and gentle person, that much was clear. Even Anton didn't want to be with me during the miscarriages; he was petrified and kept sending me to the hospital, then never talked about it afterward. I had to deal with all those emotions alone, knowing my body was faulty and would always let me down.

At times, I thought Anton was relieved when he found his High Mate. He loved me, but he was scared I could get pregnant at any moment. We couldn't ditch those stupid rubbers he hated. The day I told him, ‘we're stuck with these damn condoms forever', he responded gloomily: ‘I'll sew them to my dick permanently', and made a face.

I felt like shit then—an imperfect creature who could get pregnant like an omega but couldn't carry to term. I was nothing more than a freak.

Any relationship with an alpha meant more of the same: a lifetime of condom sex or more miscarriages. And using rubbers wasn't a 100% guarantee, as I had an instance when the condom broke. The only sure solution was celibacy or a relationship with another infertile beta.

The prospects for my future weren't optimistic. I remember suggesting to Anton once that he could get a vasectomy. His reaction was intense. He said he didn't want to think about it, that it was a serious operation and sometimes couldn't be reversed. I knew then that he really wanted kids and didn't want to lose that chance—yep, that day, another burden was added to my load.

I even thought about having my uterus removed altogether, but that would affect plenty of other things, including my sex drive, and I wasn't ready to be castrated in that way.

While I was deep in these gloomy ruminations, I heard Skye fall asleep, his face nestled against my neck, his hand resting warmly and heavily on my waist. It felt so nice to have someone care about you, right? You'd want to keep the person forever, but… that was impossible. I had to start getting used to the idea of finally letting him go.

I felt his nose pressing against the gland in my neck, my barren, useless gland. The one that didn't produce the pheromonal Allure. The fucking Allure that omegas had in excess, drawing alphas to them. Skye would sniff out his omega one day, for sure. Betas couldn't just sniff each other out and find the perfect partner—we were gender neutral, like blank slates.

Some of us had a faint natural body scent, recognized by AOs as a very subtle fragrance, either floral or with a sweet, fruity tinge. But it didn't compare to the true Allure. It didn't reveal the level of mateship, nor could it trigger the Pull (like that between AO True Mates). It served no real purpose, acting as an ersatz for the real thing.

I knew my scent was dahlia-like, with a cooler, minty tone. But I was also aware it wasn't saturated with my pheromones—the missing link. Without it, the scent was just an empty signal, unable to attract any mate.

I wondered why Skye liked it so much, but it didn't matter anyway.

Lying there with him in bed, I felt overwhelmed and helpless. This one thought tortured me, and seemed so unfair: Even though Skye appeared to be a good guy (and incredibly attractive!), plus he was so selfless about sex—when he touched me, it felt like I was closer to heaven—but all that wonderfulness… simply wasn't meant for me!

It belonged to his future omega.

We could never be boyfriends.

The realization was both terrifying and somehow comforting—a familiar feeling of numbness, apathy, and grim acceptance of my fate washed over me.

Accepting a failure. Again.

Happiness in a relationship with an alpha was never meant for me. The only stable relationships for me were with other betas, and I should try to find a steady partner among them. The betas' sperm had very low fertility, with less than 3% of them able to impregnate their partners. They were a logical choice for me… but there was one big, gigantic, cosmic-scale problem.

I wasn't attracted to betas—only to alphas.

And not for lack of trying—I've tried so many times to develop feelings for my own subgender.

Take Liam, for example. We went to school together and were friends before I even started seeing Anton in our junior year of high school. Liam pleaded with me several times to date him. He wasn't the only one—several other beta friends asked me out, but… I just couldn't. I had to apologize and turn them down. Almost always, these refusals ruined my friendships with those guys, but not with Liam. He stayed by my side faithfully for years. Even when he didn't get into the same college as Anton and me, but a different one on the other side of the city, we kept in touch online and saw each other every holiday. He was never angry about my refusals. Once, he told me, "They'll hurt you, Soren, but I'll wait. I'll always wait for you. I hope you'll give me a chance someday."

And so, he waited… he waited through Anton, through my phase of being in the Kingdom of Promises, and planned to keep waiting. I knew I would have to give him this chance someday. For his loyalty and perseverance. He was a good, dedicated friend. No matter what I asked for, no matter what help I needed, he was always there.

I sighed, feeling a wave of guilt. I hadn't told him that the miscarriage had started. He had promised to jump in his car and be here in two hours when I told him about my pregnancy and its inevitable end.

But I still didn't call him. I preferred… Skye's help. I don't know what kind of universe that made sense in. None, really.

My stupid attraction to him was the most likely reason. Madness! His touch. His closeness. Every day we met, it felt like a fever. A few times, I almost suggested full-on sex. I barely held back. Why was there such intense chemistry between us? I didn't even have this with Anton. Sure, it was good, but nothing like with Skye, where I practically trembled with desire. A few of his strokes over my skin, and I was there, ready to jump his dick. Magic!

Soren, stop! I forced myself to think back to Liam. I should have told him. I owed him that.

Careful not to wake Skye, I reached for my phone on the nightstand, hearing the alpha's soft breathing behind my ear. I could only type with one hand, but I managed:

"Hey, Liam. It happened today, suddenly. I miscarried. I'm sorry I didn't let you know, but Skye was here to help. I know, it's weird. I know I shouldn't have involved him, but I didn't have the strength to resist, and I let him take care of things. Don't be mad, I know you promised to come, sadly it all happened way too quickly."

For a moment, Liam didn't open the message. Then he did, and there was silence. The typing indicator appeared… then disappeared. Again and again. Yeah, he was struggling with what to say. I got that.

"How are you feeling? Does it still hurt?"

That was all he wrote in the end. I felt relieved and grateful. He didn't want to add his frustration to my burdens.

"The worst is over. I'll be good as new tomorrow."

He didn't reply for a while. I was about to put my phone down when his message popped up.

"You know, you give him hope if he's seriously interested in you. And even if all he wants is sex, it still gives him hope."

I rubbed my eyes, feeling a wave of discomfort. I felt that Skye desired more, but I couldn't push him away… not yet. Just for a little while longer, I wanted to keep him close, feel that excitement, that joy when he held me, smell his scent, bask in his warmth, savor the bliss of his addictive presence.

"I get that, Liam, but it doesn't mean anything. He's in for a disappointment. I don't want to be with alphas. I know it doesn't make sense to you. Why keep engaging with him? But I promise you, I won't let myself be destroyed by another relationship like that. Life gave me a hard enough kick last time. I've learned my lesson."

The typing indicator moved again.

"I wish I were there with you instead of him, Soren," he finally wrote.

"I appreciate it, but it's all over now. This whole pregnancy thing is another learning experience for me. Another reason to stay away from alphas, because I know when I have my mini-heat, trouble is on its way."

Another pause. The typing indicator appeared again.

"It's good Don doesn't know. That would add more problems. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I were there instead. For your heat."

My fingers hovered over the screen, suddenly immobile. The thought was… very uncomfortable. But yeah, good question. What if I had a mini-heat and Liam was in the same room with me? Would I beg him to fuck me? Would I prefer to use a dildo, which is what I've been doing since I broke up with Anton?

For a moment, I tried to imagine it, but reluctantly. I still remembered sex with Anton all too well—his alpha body, pinning me against the sheets, that pleasurable feeling of being overpowered by his masculine presence, stamina, and virility.

Liam would never have held me down like that and fucked for hours. He was smaller than me, weaker, and by his own admission, he was a bottom, just like me. Neither he nor I were ever into topping, so what could two bottoms do during a mini-heat?

Or should I ask that? How did he see it? Suddenly, I was tempted to throw such a confrontational question at him.

"And what would you have done, Liam? Would you fuck me?"

A long moment of silence. "If you wanted me to, yes," his reply popped up on the screen. "I have a decent dick. Bigger than Don's."

Gosh! No, no, no! I squeezed my eyes even tighter to remove the vision of Liam's private parts from my mind. By the way, winning in size over Don's dick wasn't much of an accomplishment, since he had five inches, a more common size among omegas. Could Liam really do it? An unpleasant shiver ran down my spine. Damn, the discomfort was unbearable.

But maybe, just maybe, during a mini-heat, I could mentally break myself enough to offer him my hole? In those moments, I couldn't think straight. Part of my brain just shut off. I understood the omegas when they said the heat was a crazy experience, but for them, it was even worse—it lasted between three and seven days!

I couldn't imagine going through something like that… wanting to be fucked for so many days? So much so that you think you can't survive without feeling a dick inside you. Really—I had it for maybe three-four hours, and it made me sick to my stomach to think of another mini-heat and the nightmarish tension that would come with it. And not even the need for sex was so stressful—because once it was satisfied, that would be the least of my problems—but… what would come of it.

When I was with Anton, it didn't seem so alarming, but if I push Skye away… When would the mini-heat hit me again? It could be two months or maybe four months. Who would be with me then? What if no one was? Or some stranger? What if I got pregnant again? What if I got myself into trouble? No alpha would refuse to help me during it, that's for sure, but what would come next? Too many dilemmas.

Maybe Liam was really the better, safer option. A sure option.

He was a good friend, and maybe he'd be a good partner too. I shouldn't push him away recklessly, like I did with everyone else who was interested in me. Liam was undeterred by my rude and prickly behavior that I put up like a fence.

I hesitated for a moment before replying to him, with my fingers trembling.

"Maybe soon… we'll find out. College graduation is in less than two months. A month and a half, to be exact."

Liam didn't reply for a while. I was sure he was probably jumping for joy now because I was giving him the green light, the hope he had been waiting for so long and so patiently.

"You have no idea how much those words mean to me, Soren."

Yup. Exactly. Just as I thought.

"What do you all see in me?" I didn't even know why I wrote that. It just slipped out. "You, Don, Skye… Those fucking patrons, always someone!"

"It's hard to explain. For me, it's everything about you. You're so beautiful from the inside out. Sexy. Smart."

"Don't exaggerate. I'm not a typical hottie."

He sent a laughing emoji.

"Seriously, even you don't believe that. You have something that makes people want to be the one you look at with those stormy eyes of yours and belong to… Like a magnet, you draw people in."

I rolled my 'stormy' eyes, inherited from my alpha father, an immigrant from Iceland.

"I'm a mean bitch."

"Only on the surface. Anton would never say that about you."

"I loved him."

"Exactly my point."

We didn't write anything for a moment.

Then Liam suddenly sent another line: "You know, I would really like for us both to have a happy ending one day, we really need it."

Sighing, I replied, "Yeah, I would like that too. Happy endings are the best, but they are… rare, Liam."

Mentioning that I just didn't believe in happily ever afters seemed almost rude, so I decided not to go into it.

Liam didn't comment either, he just sent:

"Is our plan to rent an apartment together still on? I found a great place. It's near DevApp, and becomes available right on graduation day. The landlord is tired of renting to students and prefers working tenants. So I… tentatively reserved it. Do you want to see the pictures?"

I felt a weird knot in my stomach. Plans, plans… I involuntarily turned my head slightly, glancing at Skye's arm, who was still asleep behind me. Strangely, I felt like a traitor writing:

"Yeah, it's still on. Send them."

He showed me a few photos of a small apartment. It had two bedrooms, which I was relieved to see.

"Looks good."

"Yeah? I'm glad. I'll confirm that we're taking it then."

I sighed. Liam and I both got into DevApp. We had been working there remotely part-time and were set to start full-time as junior programmers a week after graduation. Liam had been talking about renting an apartment together for a while… but only today did I officially confirm it to him.

Maybe I only did it because I was scared of how good it felt in Skye's arms—incredibly intoxicating. But it would end in disaster because he was the type of alpha I would fall hard for. Too hard. And burn to ashes after he dumped me. I couldn't let that happen, even if I so wanted to. So much.