21. Ryan

Chapter twenty-one

Ryan

“Tonight went better than I thought it would,” Alan says as he hands me another plate to dry. We’re standing in his sister’s kitchen washing up while she sits on the couch chatting with their Gramps.

“How did you think it would go?”

“I don’t know. Maybe Gramps would say something bad about baseball and piss off one of the guys.”

“Your Gramps loves baseball, though.”

“Yeah, but not our kind of baseball. You heard him. He called it a circus.”

He’s not wrong. But what I’m struggling to see is why that is a problem.

“It is, though. You see that, don’t you?”

“No. We’re baseball players, not clowns.”

The harshness in his tone is nothing I’ve heard from him before, and I’m starting to think it isn’t just Don who has a problem with the kind of baseball we play. Does Alan think of us, of himself as less than an MLB player?

I put the plate down and rest my hand on his forearm. “We are baseball players,” I say, trying to keep my voice low so that I don’t draw attention from Kelly and Gramps. “But we are clowns, too, and singers and dancers.”

“But why can’t he just see me as a baseball player?”

“Because you are so much more than that.”

He sighs and drops the plate he’s half washed into the soapy water in the sink and turns to face me.

“I just wish he’d come watch me. Come see how good I am.”

“Then ask him.”

“I did, and he said no. I asked him a hundred different ways and every time he’d make a comment about it not being baseball and why would he leave his house to go to some show when he could watch the real baseball on television.”

I glance over at Kelly and Gramps. How did he say no when Alan told him how much he wanted him to come watch him? How could anyone say no to those gorgeous, pleading eyes?

“And you told him you wanted him to watch you?”

He lowered his head a little to the side. “I asked him if he wanted to come to a game,” he says, leaning in close to whisper so they don’t hear. “I asked him to come. I might not have said I want you to come watch me play, but I asked him and eventually, I just got sick of asking.”

“Hey, Gramps,” I call, and Alan immediately turns back to washing the plate he dropped earlier.

“The next game is against Animal Control and the OG’s. Did you want to come with me to cheer on Alan? The OG’s think no one can beat them, but Alan hit off their best pitcher last time they were up against them. Want to come watch him do it again?”

“I’m not sure I can leave Precious,” he says, and the cat picks up her head a little at the sound of her name. Alan stiffens beside me.

“She’d be fine for a short while. The game only goes for two hours.”

“I…”

“It’s fine, Gramps. You don’t have to come,” Alan says, never taking his eyes off the plate in his hands.

“I can watch Precious,” Kelly offers.

“You aren’t going?” Gramps asks, and Kelly shakes her head. “I was going to. I go every time he plays here, but if you want to go watch him, I can sit with Precious so you can go.”

“You would have to watch her at my place. This whole evening out has been so tiring for her. Look at how tired you are, my Precious,” he says, lifting the cat. She looks just as dead as she did the first time he presented her to me across the alleyway, and I try not to laugh.

“So you’ll come then?” I ask, and Don’s attention moves to Alan, but Alan isn’t going to turn around. He’s standing so still waiting for Don’s reply, I think he might have even stopped breathing.

“If Alan would like me to go, I will go,” Gramps finally says, and I grab Alan’s arm.

“He’d love you to. Wouldn’t you, Alan?” I ask.

“Ummm, yeah. That would be great. Umm, I’d love you to come,” Alan says, and Gramps nods, then lowers Precious to the ground.

“Well, young Mr. Tanner, best we be off, don’t you think?”

“Ahhh, they drove us,” I reply, and Kelly laughs.

“I’ll get my keys.”

“I’ll take them,” Alan says, pulling the plug in the sink and reaching for the cloth to dry his hands. His face is flushed like he’s just run a marathon.

“I’ll gather her things and meet you downstairs then,” Gramps offers and heads to the back.

“I can’t believe you did that,” Alan says when we reach the car.

“Did what?”

“Got Gramps to agree to come watch me. I mean, he will probably cancel, but he actually agreed.”

“To be honest, I think he thought you didn’t want him there.”

Alan’s mouth opens in awe, and he scrunches up his forehead.

“I told you I asked him a billion times.”

“You said a hundred, but judging by how easy that was, now I’m starting to wonder if you asked him at all.”

“Seriously, he hates Banana Ball.”

“He might. But he loves you.”

That softens his fire, and he leans back against the car. I step forward, closing the distance between us, and wrap my arms around his waist.

“Look, maybe he still doesn’t think what we do is baseball. Duckie didn’t, and he’s just as in love with the game as we are now. So does it matter?”

“But it is baseball.”

“I’m glad to hear you say that, so why does it matter that he knows it?”

“I guess I just want him to be…”

“Proud of you?”

His eyes get a little glassy, and right there it hits me how much he wants his grandfather’s approval. How much he wants to be seen by him, not just as he is but for what he does. He said Don is the reason he loves baseball in the first place, so I guess thinking he didn’t approve of how he’s playing hit harder than I realized.

“He pretty much raised us, so yeah. I want him to be proud of me. Of what I do.”

“I’m sure he is. And hey, you said yourself, he doesn’t understand because he hasn’t been to a game. Now we are getting him to come to one, we can show him just how amazing you are.”

“How amazing we are.”

“True, he will get to witness my amazing dance skills in this next sketch we’re opening with. How did that turn go again?” I ask, and Alan reaches behind him, takes my hands, and spins me twice before pulling me close and dipping me back. His face is so close, his smile so big, I lean up and kiss him.

“We can come back in a few minutes if you like,” Gramps says, and Alan breaks our kiss and lifts me to stand. Gramps is standing in the doorway of their building with Kelly, holding the bowling bag. I guess Don knows about us now.

“No, we’re ready to go,” Alan replies, rushing around to the driver’s side of the car to climb in. The lights out here are not that bright, but I still caught the red flush to his cheeks and smile on his lips before he turned away.

“You can take the front seat,” I offer, but Gramps shakes his head.

“The back is fine for me. Be able to put Precious on the seat beside me that way.”

“No problem,” I reply and open the back door for him to climb inside. Once he is settled, I close the door and Kelly wraps her arms around me.

“I don’t know how you two got together,” she whispers into my ear. “But I’m glad he found you.”

My smile is instant and wide.

“Thank you,” I reply, letting the warmth of her hug spread through me until I’m warm all over and Alan is winding down his window.

“You coming?”

“Yep, sorry,” I reply and start to pull away from Kelly. “Cheers for hosting,” I say, and she lets me go and shakes her head.

“Please. I provided the place, you did all the work. I do have the recipe now though, so at least Gramps won’t go hungry for a while.”

“Oh, the other meals.”

“I’ll pack them up and take them over to his place tomorrow. It was still a bit too hot to dish out,” she replies, and I nod.

“No worries. Umm, next time we’ll make Lancashire hot pot.”

“If it’s half as good as that shepherd’s pie, we’ll have all the guys begging to try it, too.”

“I don’t mind. I like cooking and I get to share my granny’s recipes. She’d get a kick out of that. I’ll have to tell her how much you all liked it next time I call home.”

“Thanks again,” Kelly says, and I climb in the front with Alan, and he drives us back to our apartment buildings. Gramps climbs out before we can get the door for him.

“I’m fine on my own,” he assures us and leaves to carry Precious inside before we can even get out of the car.

“Did you want to come up?” I ask, and Alan’s eyes glance to the alleyway between the buildings. The window of Don’s living room looks right across into my bedroom, and while I’ve been meaning to order some kind of blind that will let light and air in while blocking Don’s view into my room, I haven’t done it yet. But now I wish I had picked something up. Anything. “We probably can’t… you know, but I’d still like you to stay. I mean, if you want to.”

He smiles in the way that he does that lights up his eyes and it’s like the whole night sky is illuminated in them.

“I’d like that,” he says, closing the door of the car and clicking the lock before taking my hand in his. “Lead the way.”

***

I wake in his arms and it’s the best feeling in the world. I’m warm, and snuggled right up against him, wedged in like he’s the missing piece of the Ryan-shaped puzzle.

We stayed up for hours talking. Mostly about Don and how Alan is now super freaking out that if he does come, he is going to hate it more than he thinks he hated it before. I don’t think Don hates Banana Ball at all. I think he doesn’t understand it, and I am all for helping to change that. What I did see, and what I kept telling Alan last night when he would dip into the spiral of what he remembered from the past, is that the only thing that matters now is the future. All we have to do is get him there and he’ll see just how amazing he is. How could he not?

“Good morning.” Alan yawns, stretching his arms above his head and jostling me out of my perfect position. But his hand comes down and rests against the small of my back, so I decide immediately to forgive him.

“Morning.”

“How long until we have to be up?”

I glance over at the clock.

“I have to get up now If I am going to get a swim in before the lanes open up to the public.”

“I guess I could go…swimming.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I mean, I said I would let you teach me, and I haven’t gotten back into the pool for a while.”

I remember back to the last time. He was still terrified, that I could tell, but he stayed in the water watching me swim laps instead of getting out the second I moved away from him.

“I wasn’t going to say anything, but I was worried I scared you off the water even more.”

“It’s not you, it’s just…well, you know. But I should keep trying. It wasn’t all bad the last time, if I remember correctly.”

“It was so long ago I’m surprised you remember at all.”

He shoves me with his hip, and I wrap my arms around him tight so that I don’t go rolling off the side of the bed.

“I’d love you to come. You can watch, you can swim, too, sit on the edge, whatever you like, no pressure.”

“Oh, there is pressure alright,” he replies, and I push up onto my hand to look down at him, resting back against the pillow.

“Why?”

“My brothers are putting in a pool at the ranch. From what Nial sent me, it will look more like a pond than a pool, so it blends in with the place, but without you know, frogs and shit.”

“And you want to go swimming at the ranch?”

“I want to go swimming with you at the ranch. Naked.”

I let out a laugh.

“You want to skinny dip at your family ranch?”

“You don’t want to?”

“Oh, I want to. I want to be in any place where you are going to be naked for sure. I just don’t know how easy that will be with all the guys and your family, including your gramps, staying at the same place.”

“We’ll find a way.”

“Okay, well, I guess we better get to work.”

“Can we cuddle in bed for a few more minutes first?” he whines, wrapping his arms around me and trying to pull me on top of him.

“Your gramps will be up soon,” I reply, and he lets go and rolls out of bed, crawling over to peek out the window that looks out onto the alley.

“Okay, I’m up, let’s go.” He laughs and then drops to his hands and crawls under the window frame to the bedroom door. He reaches up and pushes it open. Down the hallway, Duckie laughs.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

Alan looks back over his shoulder at me, sitting on the bed shirtless and covered by the sheet from the waist down.

“Never mind, I don’t want to know,” Duckie goes on to say and walks away, shaking his head.

“On a scale of one to ten, how weird do you think this looked?” Alan asks, still looking my way.

“To Duckie, eight, but from where I’m sitting, that isn’t the word I would use to describe how great your ass looks from this angle.”

He wriggles it a little and starts to crawl forward.

“Got any place in here without a window?”

“The bathroom has one, but it’s frosted, can’t see a thing.”

He clears the doorway and stands leaning against the hallway. He strips off his shirt.

“So, are you coming?”

“Oh, we both will be any minute,” I reply and jump from the bed and chase him into the bathroom.