52. Layne

Chapter fifty-two

Layne

I lay in bed crying my eyes out, still from this morning. I know Wes wasn’t trying to be mean with his words, but they hit me harder than they should have. The intrusive thoughts have been at it all day. I can’t make them stop. At this point, nothing could convince me that life is worth living. In the past, I would already be drunk and passed out in bed.

Not this time.

I want it to end this time. I don’t want to wake up to more pain in the morning.

I sit up and reach for my phone and type out a message to Atlas.

Layne: I fucking love you so much, Atlas. Thank you so much for being my best friend and loving me despite all the bullshit I put you through in life. I can’t count how many times you’ve saved me from myself. I’m so, so sorry that I have to do this to you. But everything is just too much. Losing my baby just made it clear to me I was never supposed to be brought back after I died. I hope one day you can forgive me.

I hit the “Do Not Disturb” on my notifications for Atlas.

Now, to message Wes. I know he is going to lose his shit if I call.

It’s easier this way.

Layne: Loving me must be so fucking hard and I’m so fucking sorry, Wes. I’m sorry I couldn’t love myself the way you loved me.

I climb out of bed and head towards the stairs, holding my phone. I glance back at the loft one final time. Images of Wes and I laughing on the couch as we watch movies together, making love all over the loft, fill my head. I cry, hard. So many memories. I walk downstairs and outside, heading towards the pier on the property’s edge. The white dress I put on this morning flows in the breeze.

My phone vibrates in my hand. “WES” Pops up on the screen. I gaze at the rough waters of the bay, pondering the time it takes for a non-swimmer to drown. The water sloshing against the pier makes my stomach turn. This is the closest I’ve been to a body of water since I was fifteen. I haven’t even taken a bath, only showers.

I pull up Wes and I’s conversation.

Layne: I’ll come back to haunt you. I love you to death.

I exit the conversation. The picture of Wes and I on my phone’s background pulls at my heart. With a careful gesture, I switch off the phone and carefully rest it on the weathered surface of the pier. I stare out at the water, the calm, rhythmic waves on top are deceiving. I know that once you break the surface the violent pull underneath is what will take you. Especially for someone like me, someone who can’t swim. My stomach churns, the fear griffing me in a chokehold .

It’s now or never. Just fucking do it.

End it all.

The hurt. The pain. Everything.

Before I run, I instinctively take a few steps back. As soon as my feet make contact with the edge of the pier, I immediately propel myself into a jump. It’s as if everything is in slow motion, I curl up my body, tucking my knees, and breaking the surface with my legs. The force of the current beneath the surface is so strong,stronger than I anticipated, it begins to pull me down faster and faster. I release the breath that I had been holding in. With every breath I take, the water relentlessly pours into my lungs, igniting a searing pain that intensifies as I let out anguished screams. I scream so loud for him.

I’m sorry.

I’m so fucking sorry, Wes.

But he can’t hear me. Nobody can hear me.

I’ve finally given in, the depression finally won.

Drowning.

With no clear sense of direction, I find myself in a state of confusion, unable to distinguish between up and down. I’ve reached the point of surrender where I no longer fight against the weight that drags me down, instead; I allow the water to engulf me, pulling me deeper into its opaque depths. With a final gasp, I feel the burning sensation intensify even more. My vision spots as I feel the pull of unconsciousness. Closing my eyes, I see their faces, like an old home movie reel. My parents, and they way they hated me, Atlas becoming my best friend, Sky, Wes’s parents, even Roman.

Wes. His smile is the brightest, the love in his eyes for me. The last memory I see of him is him on the day of our wedding. His green eyes burn into mine.

Then everything stops. There is no more time, no pain or fear. Just nothing.

Except for the calm emptiness, everything turns black.

Complete catharsis.