Killers Like Us

Killers Like Us

L Eveland

Content warnings : references to murder | smoking | homophobia | morally gray characters | mafia romance themes

Jasper

“ Q uit looking out the window and fucking pay attention.” The plain white coffee mug dangled from Lee’s fingers in a way that made him seem lazy. Lazy Lee, they called him, on account of how effortless he made killing look.

It was an illusion. Lee was anything but lazy. It took a lot of strength to move a body, to haul cement blocks out and tie ‘em to the dead fucker’s ankles. And when they’ve got those cement shoes on, they’re even heavier.

Lee worked out a lot, and it showed. He was hot as hell. He had brains, too. I wasn’t smart, not as smart as Lee anyway, but even I knew we were fucked. Nobody—and I mean nobody—crossed the Fortiers and lived to tell about it.

He snapped his fingers at me, his forehead wrinkled like he was pissed.

“Sorry,” I murmured, letting the blinds fall back into place. “I can’t fuckin’ help it. I feel like we’re gonna get shot up any second.”

He stared at me. I wondered if he could see his reflection in my glasses. Did he know how irresistible he looked with his slicked back hair and his perfectly styled goatee? Avi—that’d be Big Boss Fortier’s oldest boy—used to laugh at his facial hair. Said it made him look like a cartoon devil and he ought to shave it off. Maybe it did, but I didn’t care. If Lee Ducaux was the devil, then I wanted to be his favorite sin.

Lee arched an eyebrow. “This is a Waffle House, Jasper.”

“So?”

“A Waffle House in the south.” He put his empty coffee cup down and scooted it to the edge of the table. “Only place more sacred is a goddamn church. The Fortiers aren’t going to gun us down over a plate of steak and greasy fucking eggs.”

The waitress came over and refilled his coffee. I smiled at her like nothing was wrong. Inside, I was shaking like a leaf. Lee’s assurances usually put me at ease, but not this time.

Once the waitress was gone, I leaned across the table and asked, “Are you sure, Lee?”

“Jasper, c’mon. Have I ever steered you wrong? Now eat your fucking biscuits and gravy so we can go.” He gestured to the plate in front of me.

I’d barely touched the food, and we’d been sitting there for an hour. The gravy had congealed into a wiggly white mass with strange black specks and the biscuits were hard and cold. I pushed the plate away and got out my wallet. “I ain’t hungry. Let’s just go.”

Lee’s hand shot across the table to grip my wrist and my heart skipped a beat. He wasn’t a touchy feely sort of guy, and by that I mean he once shot a guy for bumping into him. He hated touching people and letting people touch him. I was the one exception. I guess once you pull a bullet out of a guy’s guts and spend the next couple of weeks keeping him alive, Lee makes special rules. I was allowed to touch him, and I didn’t mind him touching me. Actually, I wished he’d touch me a whole lot more, but I wasn’t going to say that. Not to Lazy Lee Ducaux.

“I got this one,” he said as he let me go. Lee dropped two twenties on the table—more than enough to cover our breakfasts, and we walked out of the diner.

Outside, it was as humid as the devil’s armpit and twice as hot. Heat came up off the asphalt, baking my ankles, while the sun roasted me top down. It was past the heat of the day and still too hot to live.

I reached up to loosen the tie around my neck and wished I’d worn something more sensible. Mr. Fortier said we were supposed to be respectable and had to dress the part. It was one of the perks of the job, getting an allowance for nice clothes and a new car.

But we didn’t work for Mr. Fortier anymore. I wondered if maybe that meant we could dress down again, but Lee hadn’t said anything about it. I didn’t know how he could stand it, but he didn’t look the least bit uncomfortable in his three-piece suit, even in the heat.

We left the Acura we’d driven up from Birmingham and Lee hot-wired a white Kia, swapping the plates with an Impala. It was his idea to stick to boring cars for our getaway and to switch rides at every state line, just in case. It’d make it a lot harder for the Fortiers to catch up to us, but I wasn’t sure it’d be enough.

We were on the road in just a few minutes, heading north on I-65. Lee said we could take that all the way to Indianapolis and then get on another highway that’d take us straight into Canada. I’d have to take his word for it. Before this, Baton Rouge was the furthest north I’d ever been.

I stared out the window and tried to settle in for the long drive, but I couldn’t sit still. “What’s it like in Canada, Lee?”

“I’ve only been as far as Toronto,” he said. “But it’s nice.”

“You ever have poutine while you were up there?”

“I wasn’t in Toronto for the food, Jasper.” He rolled his head toward me and gave me the look, the one that said we were talking about murder again.

I frowned and looked away. I didn’t like to think about killing people. Doing in Laurent Cohen was enough murder for me to last a lifetime. If I closed my eyes, I could still see him lying there on the pavement, his face frozen in a shocked expression, like he hadn’t expected me to shoot him. Why should he? I’d always been the good boy, the guy they could count on to get the work done. The talker. Jasper the Mouth, they called me, ‘cause I never shut up.

Well, I was quiet after I shot Laurent Cohen in that warehouse. Maybe it was because of the gunshot ringing in my ears, or maybe it was shock. I didn’t know. All I knew was that I’d still be standing there over his body if Lee hadn’t grabbed me and told me we had to run.

“I shouldn’t have shot Laurent,” I said, letting my head rest on the window.

“Fuck him,” Lee said with a grunt. “That fucker always treated you like shit. Kicked you around. He fucking deserved to be put down like the dog he was.”

“But he was Avi’s…” I trailed off because we weren’t supposed to say the boss’s son had a boyfriend . Everybody knew the Fortier family’s heir apparent was gay, but if we said it, the boss would beat the shit out of us, and we might find ourselves in a pair of cement shoes at the bottom of Lake Pontchartrain.

“Just ‘cause he’s putting it to the boss’s son doesn’t give him the right to treat you like shit, Jasper. You’re…you were a part of the family, same as him. You were supposed to be equals, and that cocksucker treated you worse than dirt ‘cause he could. It was about time someone fucked him up.”

“I did more than fuck him up. I shot him.” I closed my eyes. “I killed him. If you hadn’t been there…”

“Hey, hey. None of that. I told you I was thinking of getting out of the game anyway. Why do you think I’ve got this so well planned out, huh? You think I thought of all this just now? I been planning to split for months.”

I sighed, wondering if that was true. If it was, it would be a surprise. Lee loved the mafia lifestyle. He loved the power, the money, the respect. Me, I was in it because it was better than the life I had before. The Fortiers lifted me up from nothing, gave me a life I never thought I’d have, and I threw it away because of some bully. Maybe Laurent was right. I didn’t deserve the chance.

A fat raindrop struck the window, and I sat up with a frown as the sky opened up.

Lee yawned and reached to turn the wipers on. Headlights from a passing truck on the other side of the interstate washed over us briefly as Lee cracked his window so he could smoke. He looked tired. He probably was, considering we’d been on the road for almost eight hours.

“Maybe we ought to think about stopping for the night,” I said.

Lee tapped the ash off the end of his cigarette and looked over at me. “Maybe,” he agreed, and we kept on driving.

Lee

T he rain got to be too much about an hour north of Nashville, so we pulled off the highway near Bowling Green in Kentucky. I figured it was safer to steer clear of the bigger hotel chains, since they’d want a credit card for incidentals. By now, Avi had probably realized what’d happened and was watching my accounts, but I still had plenty of cash.

The Blue Mountain Inn seemed as fine a place to lie low as any, so that’s where we went. It was one of those single-story motels where the office was in one building and the rooms were spread out in a big U-shape behind it. Since the motel was empty, the attendant said we had our pick of the place and gestured to the wall of keys before disappearing into the back like he couldn’t be bothered to pick rooms for us. I grabbed two random keys from the wall and tossed one to Jasper, who caught it.

Then I had a thought. If Avi’s goons somehow tracked us, they’d know exactly which rooms to search to find us, since only those keys were missing. So I grabbed a bunch of other keys off the wall at random, passing half to Jasper and keeping the other half for myself.

My pants jingled, weighed down by all the keys, as I walked down the line of doors to select one at random. The rain hadn’t really let up, but it didn’t bother me. It took a lot more than a little rumble in the sky to make me jump.

Jasper, though, was a mess. Ever since he shot Laurent, he’d been jumpy. Guess I couldn’t blame the guy. It was his first kill.

First time I shot a guy, I threw up. That was mostly because I was stupid and hadn’t realized what a twelve-gauge would do up close like that. Anybody would throw up if they got brain matter splattered all over them.

It was one of the reasons I didn’t fuck with guns anymore. Too messy, too regulated, too mundane. This was America. Every-fuckin’-body had a gun. I wasn’t going to make a name for myself doing what everybody else did. So I thought I’d be smart, figure out ways to get my targets to do most of the work for me. I’d sneak into a smoker’s house and turn on the stove burners, let the gas seep in so that when he went to light up… BAM. Instant fireball. Take out the trash and the evidence in one move. It was fucking beautiful.

Except Avi said I couldn’t do it the same way all the time or people would catch on, so I had to keep getting inventive. I watched, learned, and waited for opportunities to present themselves. Most people were so fucking oblivious to all the dangerous shit they did all the time. It made my job easy. A shove into busy traffic. Cut some brake lines. Slip peanut powder into their protein powder and steal his epipens. Every fucking time, it looked like an accident, but people knew it was me.

I made it look easy, but it was a lot of hard fucking work.

Lazy Lee Ducaux my ass.

But Jasper wasn’t like me. He was a good kid, even when he was being bad. Worst thing he’d ever done before he pulled that trigger was stitch up killers like me and keep his trap shut about it. He wasn’t rotten to the core like the rest of us.

It was why I liked him. He gave me hope that there was still some good in the world.

Footsteps scraped along the sidewalk behind me, and I came to a stop. Without turning around, I knew Jasper was right behind me. Of course he fucking was. He was like a lost puppy, always following me everywhere. Except I wasn’t a fucking dog person. My heart was too black for anyone sane to want any part of that, even man’s best friend.

“You know you don’t have to follow me, Jasper.” I finally turned around and dammit, the kid was standing out in the rain like a half-drowned rat, his arms wrapped around him. How was I not supposed to feel like shit when he was just so damn sad?

A good man would’ve offered some comfort, or at least a distraction. Maybe a couple of beers and a shoulder to cry on.

But I wasn’t a good man. I was barely a man.

“I wasn’t,” he lied and dug around in his pocket to pull out a random key. “I’m just looking for room…” He glanced at the key. “…fourteen.”

“Try about five doors back the way you came.”

“Oh.” He frowned down at the key before turning to go.

He shouldn’t be alone , I thought. No one should be alone on a night like tonight. Not when the blood on his hands was still fresh and his mind was a labyrinth of unexplored horrors.

After my first kill, my old man beat the shit out of me for tracking blood on the carpet. Then he drank until he passed out, and I snuck out the upstairs window to go drink myself stupid at Avi’s house. Avi was the one who helped me through it. He’d helped me through a lot of things.

And then that dumb fucker fell into bed with Laurent, and things were never the same.

I shook the thought away. I was in no place to provide any comfort or wisdom to Jasper, and I had a feeling he’d be a sad drunk. I didn’t want to see him cry, so I turned and went to the room at the far end of the row.

The room was cramped, and the décor dated. There were two queen beds separated by a worn nightstand, and a TV that had seen better days. The air inside reeked of desperation and month-old cigarette smoke. Yet the sheets were clean when I pulled back the comforter and there were no signs of bedbugs, which was more than I could say for a lot of shitholes I’d stayed in. It wasn’t the fucking Ritz Carlton, but it’d do for a stopover.

Thunder growled outside, the storm growing closer. As I went to turn up the unit throwing dusty, musty air into the room, I stole a glance outside. Sheets of rain sprayed the parking lot, one after another, while the wind howled. The next clap of thunder rattled the glass in the window, and I wondered just how much force it’d take to break it.

As angry as the sky seemed to be, this storm was nothing compared to the hurricanes we got down south. I was a boy when Katrina rolled through and drowned the whole city. It was because of that storm I’d gotten involved with the Fortiers to begin with. Big Boss Remy Fortier was one of the good ones. While the politicians in Washington threw around the blame, him and his people got to work. They had us hammering nails into new homes and set us up with jobs painting walls and running errands in no time. He was the first one who looked at me with my bruised knuckles and my bloody nose and saw potential. The Fortiers might’ve been gangsters with bloody hands, but they were the stopgap New Orleans needed.

And for a little while, I was one of them. I was somebody .

Now I’m not , I thought, and let the thin curtain fall back into place.

I didn’t quite know what that meant yet, but I did know that if Avi and his guys ever caught up with me and Jasper, we’d be dead. I hoped I’d earned enough goodwill over the years that Avi would make it quick for Jasper. Me, I deserved whatever was coming.

Jasper

I couldn’t sleep.

With a sigh, I turned around and looked at the empty bed just a few feet away. It was weird being in a room with two beds and only occupying one. Lee and me should’ve stayed together. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so alone.

But I was alone. Shouldn’t I feel alone when I was alone?

I turned the other way and stared at the wall, but it felt too close. Almost like it was closing in. Trapped. I was trapped and couldn’t get out.

I sat up and took a deep breath, pressing my palm to my forehead. Outside, the storm raged. Thunder growled and lightning flashed like strobe lights. Rain pelted the glass, the walls, and the door.

Just like in the last room.

This was the third room I’d been in since we stopped at the motel, and I couldn’t sleep in any of them. Somewhere deep down, I knew my sleeplessness had nothing to do with the room and everything to do with the murder I’d committed.

Every time I almost got to sleep, my hands would start to itch. I’d jerk awake and yank them up to stare at them, expecting them to be covered in blood. There was no reason to expect that. I hadn’t gotten any of Laurent’s blood on me.

The scene replayed in my mind for the thousandth time in slow motion. My finger squeezed the trigger, and the gun barked. Unprepared for the kick, my hand jerked back, and a jolt of pain reverberated down my arm.

And then Laurent was on the ground in a widening pool of blood, his eyes open.

It’d happened so fast. I thought there would be more of a transition between being alive and being dead, but there wasn’t. There was alive, and there was dead and nothing in between. No transition. No time to call for help or to take it all back.

God, how did Lee do it? He had to have nerves of steel. I wish I were more like him . I always have.

The first time I saw Lee, I thought I’d seen a mirage. He looked like a movie star with his hair so perfect and his suit spotless. He was standing on the corner with a bunch of other suits, smoking and waiting next to Boss Fortier’s Benz, bleeding cool into the air. I remember he laughed, and it was like hearing the sound for the first time. I’ll never forget it, or the warm, bright feeling that spread through me after.

I was just some high school dropout back then. A kid with no prospects and no future. Somehow, I wound up being the assistant to Boss Fortier’s personal physician, Hamish Webster. Doc Webster taught me how to take out bullets, suture wounds, and set broken bones. I didn’t have a medical degree, but he said I was just as good.

For five long years, I apprenticed under Doc Webster, never expecting to be more than that.

Then one night, Avi brought Lee to me covered in blood. Doc was out of town with the boss, and I was the only one who could save him. My fingers had trembled so violently, I didn’t think I could do it.

Then Lee grabbed my hand, looked right at me, and said, “You can do this, Jasper. I got faith in you.”

The man had a fucking bullet in his gut and still found the strength to give me a pep talk.

After that, I was a complete goner. I didn’t fall head over heels for Lee so much as I tripped into an abyss. Him and me, we were like biscuits and jam, chicken and waffles, shrimp and grits. I never left his side if I could help it, and he didn’t seem to mind.

There were times when it almost felt like he might feel the same way, but…

Well, it was an unspoken rule that was enforced with deadly efficiency. There were no queers in the Fortier family business.

But I’d never seen him with anyone else. Lee never had girls hanging off his arm, didn’t have a wife or girlfriend. The man was like a priest, completely in love with the job and the accompanying lifestyle.

I couldn’t believe he’d walked away from it with me. I kept waiting for him to disappear. Maybe he’d take me to the border and go back, pretend like he didn’t know where I’d went, but he promised he wouldn’t. Acted like leaving was his idea, and that me murdering Laurent was just a happy accident that meant he didn’t have to travel alone.

In my mind, we might as well have been Thelma and Louise, and this was our last ride. I couldn’t fathom escaping the Fortiers’ vengeance, but if I was going to die, I wanted to do it beside Lee, and I wanted him to know how I felt. I just hadn’t worked up the courage to tell him yet.

Tonight could be that night. It might be the only chance I got.

But instead of going to knock on his door to tell him how I felt, I’d just been going from room to room, bed to empty bed, hoping to quiet the demons in my head.

I got up and went to the bathroom, leaning over the sink. A little water on my face didn’t make me feel any better, or help the burning in my eyes. I grabbed my glasses and slid them on, wincing when I saw my bloodshot eyes in the mirror. I needed to shave, and I kept meaning to switch over to contacts instead of glasses, so I didn’t look so much like an antsy nerd. I didn’t look at all like a mobster.

Maybe that was a good thing. At least, it would be in my new life.

My new life . My fingers tightened around the sink and I stared at the water circling the drain. I didn’t want to go to Canada. I didn’t want to change my name or reinvent myself, or to disappear into a mundane fucking life where nothing I did mattered. I sure as hell didn’t want to do it alone, which was what was going to happen if I didn’t march down there and talk to Lee.

Unless he didn’t feel the same way. Then he might slam the door in my face and tell me to fuck off. He might break my fucking heart tonight.

But wouldn’t that be better than never knowing?

Before I could stop myself, I was putting on my shoes for the third time that night. I yanked open the door and was immediately hit with wailing wind and rain. Maybe that was a sign I should stay in my room. If it was, I ignored it.

When I started down the covered walkway to Lee’s room, I was sure of what I wanted to say and how I’d say it. I was even feeling confident when I knocked on his door. But when the door cracked open, and I saw him standing there in nothing but his boxers and his hair mussed from sleep, my brain went blank. All I wanted to do was fall on my knees in the rain like some fucking drama queen and confess that I worshipped the ground he walked on. I always had. I’d do anything to be with him if he’d just tell me what to do.

But I didn’t do anything. I just stood there, shivering in the rain like a fucking tool.

“What is it, Jasper?” Lee asked. His raspy voice made my cock twitch.

Down, boy.

“I…” Go on, you coward. Tell him. Tell him he means everything to you. I swallowed. “I can’t sleep. There are too many beds in my room.”

Oh my fucking god. What a stupid fucking thing to say! Take it back, Jasper. Right now! Before he ? —

Lee rubbed his face and sighed. “I know the feeling,” he said and threw the door wide open. “Get in here before you catch your death out there.”

Lee

I spun the wheel on my lighter. Flame sparked. I held it to the end of my cigarette and inhaled while Jasper sat on the opposite bed, one knee bouncing. The bathroom sink dripped steadily. Outside, there was thunder and lightning, but inside, it was too quiet in my room.

I didn’t know what to say to Jasper to make him feel better, but I knew I ought to say something, so I offered him a cigarette even though I knew he didn’t smoke.

He shook his head.

I sighed and lowered the pack of cigarettes before tossing it onto the nightstand. “Did you try the other bed in the room?”

“Yeah, and a couple more besides.”

I arched an eyebrow at Jasper, who blushed and squirmed under my gaze.

“I been in three different rooms tonight,” he explained. “Can’t sleep in a one of ‘em, Lee.”

I grunted and smoked in silence for a little while before asking, “Is it the storm or what?”

I knew full well what it was that haunted Jasper. It was the image of Laurent lying there on the factory floor in a pool of his own blood. Jasper wasn’t made for killing. He was too soft for it. Some of the guys acted like that was a bad thing, but I didn’t think so. The organization needed soft men like Jasper. It kept us human, kept us humble. Jasper reminded me I was a man, not a monster.

It wasn’t easy for someone like Jasper to shed his innocence. Not like me. I wasn’t sure I’d ever had any innocence in the first place.

“How do you do it, Lee?” Jasper asked quietly, his leg still for the first time.

I plucked the cigarette from my lips and tapped a long column of ash into the ashtray. “How do I do what?”

Jasper wrapped his long, willowy arms around himself and looked away, his glasses still speckled with rainwater. A dark curl hung at the center of his forehead, and I had the strangest urge to smooth it back for him. “Live with yourself after. Move on.”

“It gets easier,” I told him, “if you do it enough.”

“And if I don’t want to?” He lifted his head, looking at me through his rain-streaked glasses. “I don’t want to do it again, Lee. I know that makes me a coward, but?—”

“That don’t make you anything.” I stabbed the half-smoked cigarette into the ashtray and reached across the space to grab him by the head. “Maybe you killed a man, Jasper, but that don’t make you a killer.”

“Yes, it does. Doesn’t it?”

“You can’t think of it like that. You gotta look at it from the outside. Think of all the other little sins you’ve committed in your life. Realize you don’t define yourself by that shit either. How many times have you been in a little fender bender or fucked somebody else’s woman on the down low?”

The blush spread up to his ears and down his neck as he squirmed in place even more. “I never been with no women like that.”

“Jesus Christ,” I muttered and wiped a hand over my face. “Are you telling me you’re a fucking virgin?”

“I never said that. Just that I never been with no women .” The way he looked up at me, all vulnerable and shit, threatened to melt the wall of ice I’d built up around my heart.

Fucking hell, what was I supposed to do with the bombshell he’d just dropped in my lap? I’d suspected, but fuck. It was one of those things people like us just didn’t talk about. If Remy Fortier found out…

But we didn’t have to report to Boss Fortier anymore.

We were free of him, free to say and do whatever we wanted.

The realization hit me hard, and I had to grip the edge of the bed to keep from swaying in place.

I reached for my cigarettes with shaky hands and lit another, muttering, “Jesus Christ,” again.

“I’m sorry, Lee,” Jasper blurted. “I know I should’ve fucking told you. Or told somebody, but I was scared. Everybody said that Boss Fortier didn’t let queers into the organization. Plus, with the way everybody talked about Avi and Laurent all disapproving like, I didn’t want people to talk like that about me. And anyway, I figured it didn’t fucking matter since the only person I was ever even interested in was y—” He cut himself off, slapping both hands over his mouth.

Jasper the Mouth, indeed. He just couldn’t shut up.

He stared at me, eyes wide with terror, and I hated that. Hated that he was scared of me when normally I liked that. That was the best part about killing, the moment when they looked up at me like I was a god. I decided if they lived or died. Me. Not some bearded asshole in the clouds. Lee fucking Ducaux.

But I didn’t like that look on Jasper’s face. It didn’t belong there.

I sighed, exhaling smoke in a funnel. “Jasper, I don’t care.”

He blinked his watery eyes. “You don’t?”

“Why should I? Look, the way I see it, life’s fucking short and the world’s a dumpster fire. I mean, look at me. I kill people, Jasper. What right have I got to judge anybody for anything?” I tapped my cigarette over the ashtray. “Besides, who hasn’t dabbled a little, huh? I mean, the whole no queers thing is a joke. Half the guys in the organization are messing around on the down low with each other, even the ones with wives and girlfriends waiting at home. Boss Fortier himself has…” I looked up and bit off the last part of it. “Well, let’s just say some of the people crying about it the loudest have the most to hide. But it doesn’t matter now anyway, does it? We’re not in the family anymore. We’re free men.”

“Free men,” he repeated as if it were as novel a concept to him as it was to me.

“That’s right. All we’ve got to do is make it through the border, and we’ll be home free once we get to Canada.”

“And then what?” he asked.

I frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, what happens once we get to Canada, Lee?” He scooted to the edge of the bed.

I looked away and shrugged. “Suppose we’ll go our separate ways then.”

“Is that what you want?”

My head snapped back to Jasper, and I frowned. When was the last time anybody had asked me what I wanted? I couldn’t remember. My entire life had always been about doing what was needed. As a kid, I did whatever I had to do to survive. As an adult, I did whatever the boss said, usually without a word of thanks, all while assholes like Laurent got promoted out from under me. I joined the Fortiers because I wasn’t suited for regular life, and I killed people because I was good at it.

But had I wanted to do those things? Guess the thought never occurred to me. It especially hadn’t occurred to me to ask myself what I wanted to do now that I was free of that life, but it should have.

Once we started a new life, I couldn’t be Lazy Lee the mafia hitman anymore. I’d have to become someone else, someone who washed dishes and paid his taxes and took out the trash after dinner. Someone… domestic. I’d always thought I’d be opposed to that shit, but now that I was thinking about it, it sounded kinda nice.

Except whenever I imagined doing those things, I didn’t imagine myself alone. I saw Jasper there with me. Maybe that was because he was always with me, following me around like a little lost lamb, or maybe it was because there was no one else left.

Or maybe, just maybe, there was a different reason. One I hadn’t let myself consider until that moment. Maybe it was because I wanted him with me.

“What do you want?” I asked.

Jasper pressed his lips together in thought and fidgeted with his thumbs. “I don’t know.”

My heart sank for some reason. What was I expecting? Some heartfelt confession of undying love? God, why was my brain getting all sappy? I must’ve been more tired than I thought.

“Well, maybe we’d better sleep on it.” I put my cigarette out. “You can sleep in here if you want. Better than bed surfing through the motel, especially when we’ve got to get back on the road in a few hours.”

“Yeah, ok,” he said, though his voice sounded strained.

I reached over and turned off the light. Fabric rustled and blankets shifted in the dark as we both climbed into our respective beds. The air conditioner kicked on again, buzzing loudly and throwing more musty air into the stale room.

I laid on my back in the unfamiliar bed, my hands folded over my bare chest. The storm raged on outside, the wind and rain battering the thin walls and rattling the cheap glass in the windows. Lightning flashed, illuminating the room before plunging it back into darkness. Thunder grumbled, the deep bass vibrating the motel down to its foundations.

In the tense darkness, I stared up at the water-stained popcorn ceiling, acutely aware of Jasper's presence just a few feet away. I listened to the anxious cadence of Jasper's breathing, the creak of his mattress springs as he shifted restlessly under the worn polyester comforter.

I tried to force my tense muscles to uncoil, but Jasper's words buzzed around in my mind.

The air felt thick, the charged silence broken only by the angry grumbling of the storm and the sputtering of the ancient air conditioner as it fought a losing battle against the sultry heat. Sweat dampened my skin, plastering my hair to my forehead. The faint hint of Jasper's clean, masculine scent cut through the lingering scent of ozone and stale cigarette smoke in the air.

I thought about Jasper, about the wide vulnerability in his eyes behind those rain-flecked glasses. All these years, had Jasper been secretly pining for me? Was that the real reason he’d been following me around like a lovesick puppy?

I didn’t think anyone had ever wanted me. Not like that, anyway. Sure, there were girls I paid for it, and maybe one or two guys that nobody knew about, but that was just messing around. Scratching an itch. It didn’t mean anything. I didn’t fuck them because they wanted me. They’d have spread for anybody. I was just convenient and so were they. That was how it’d worked.

But Jasper… Jasper was different. He was sweet and kind and too damn good for the life of crime that’d sucked him in. The Fortiers had chewed up his good soul and spat him back out like trash, and he fucking deserved better.

Better than me. That was for damn sure.

Yet there he was, right next to me, a breath away from saying he wanted me. Why would he say that if it wasn’t true? I’d never known Jasper to be a liar. So it must’ve been true. I didn’t know why, didn’t care to, but the thought made my insides warm.

I turned my head and looked over at him. It was too dark to see, but I tried to picture him all curled up over there. Alone. Scared. It made me want to get up and go to him, curl my body around his and hold him tight. Maybe he deserved better, but maybe better couldn’t protect him like I could. My heart was dark, my soul made of oil and fire. He’d need someone like that if the Fortiers ever showed up.

I wanted to be there for him. With him. Not just figuratively, either.

I let myself entertain the idea of us living in hiding, being domestic with each other, doing things normal people did. I bet Jasper would make a damn fine husband. Bet he could cook and clean and all that shit. Fuck, I bet he was even the type who liked to kiss and cuddle when he fucked. Maybe that’d be nice. I’d never had that.

Maybe I wanted it, but only with Jasper. Jasper was special. He was the only person whose touch didn’t feel like fucking sandpaper, the only person I wanted to touch and let touch me in return. I’d imagined holding hands with him a hundred times, and then felt stupid afterward.

But when I was alone in the dark and it was just me and my fucked-up brain, he was the only real person I let myself think about being with. His were the only lips I wanted to taste, his sighs the only ones I wanted to hear because they’d fucking mean something. I couldn’t imagine it’d ever be just empty sex with him because Jasper was good. He was noble and sweet, and I couldn’t corrupt that, no matter how much I wanted to.

So that left me in a weird position. I wanted him, and he wanted me, but if I indulged even a little, I might just fucking ruin him.

Jasper

I couldn’t breathe. Lee was right next to me, and I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to tell him the truth so badly, but I’d choked at the last second. He probably thought I was a loser because I hadn’t been with a woman, but I didn’t want any women . I only wanted Lee, and it’d been that way ever since I saw him on that corner. He was the reason I got involved with the Fortiers in the first place, to be close to him.

And yet there I was again, so close, yet so far away from where I wanted to be. I was such a fucking coward.

What would Lee do in my situation? I turned my head, peering through the dark in his direction. If he wanted to be with someone, what would he do? He was so brave and smart. He wouldn’t cower in another bed out of reach. He’d risk everything to be with the man he wanted. Hell, he’d get right out of bed and go over there, crawl under the covers and…

I blushed at the images that came to mind, and my cock started to stir. I’d spent too many nights in my own bed, alone, dreaming of his lips on mine, his hands and mouth on me, of the way I wanted him to claim me and make me his. That had always seemed like an unattainable fantasy, but now… Now he was right there and the only thing keeping me from him was my own fear. I needed to be fearless, like Lee, and just go after it.

I pushed the blankets aside.

“What are you doing, Jasper?”

I froze at the sound of Lee’s raspy voice. Lightning flashed, briefly illuminating the room. I caught a flicker of his face as he lay in bed, looking over at me. The prey part of my brain said I should stop what I was doing, go back under the covers where it was warm and safe.

But I’d be warmer and safer in Lee’s arms.

“I was just thinking,” I started. “If we don’t make it?—”

“We’re gonna make it, Jasper.”

“I know that, but tomorrow ain’t guaranteed, so hear me out for once, would you?” I sighed. “It’s lonely as hell over here and I don’t want to be alone no more.”

The silence settled between us, warm and thick. Sweat gathered on the back of my neck. What was he going to say? Maybe I should’ve been clearer about what I wanted, but he had to know, didn’t he? Lee was smart. He must’ve known.

Lee let out a sigh. “Fine. Get over here.” Fabric rustled and bed springs squeaked as he moved over on the bed.

I scrambled across the space between us and quickly climbed into bed next to him. I reached to pull the blanket up, but Lee did it for me, tucking it in under my chin. Then, to my surprise, he rolled onto his side, put his arm around me, and scooted in.

Lee’s body wrapped around me in a gesture that felt both protective and right. He settled his chin against my shoulders. He sighed, breath tickling the nape of my neck. “What is that cologne you’re wearing?”

My heart started pounding in my ears and all the blood in my body rushed straight to my cock. “Can’t remember the name. It was a gift from my aunt.”

“It smells really nice.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

I tried to lie still. I really did. But I was getting so hard it was uncomfortable, and Lee’s arm felt heavy on my ribs. I shifted and froze when I felt something hard press against my ass.

“Lee?” I whispered into the dark after a moment.

“Yeah?”

I swallowed around the thick lump forming in my throat before turning my head to glance back at him. He was staring at me with his big, beautiful brown eyes. But there was something dark in his gaze. He was looking at me like I’d turned into a big juicy steak, and he’d become one of those cartoon wolves.

I licked my lips and shifted my ass back against him. There was no mistaking it. He was as hard as I was.

Lee let out a small hiss as I ground my ass against him. He grabbed my hip, fingers digging in through the fabric. “Don’t do that.”

“But why not? It feels good, doesn’t it? And I want to make you feel good.”

“You don’t want this. With me.” He sounded so sad.

I rolled onto my side, facing him, and gently touched his face. “You’re all I ever wanted, Lee.”

His jaw muscles flexed under my fingers. “You shouldn’t say shit like that, Jasper.”

“Why?”

“Because you don’t know what it makes me want to do to you.”

“Then tell me, Lee.” My fingers trembled as I dropped my hand first to his chest and then let them trail lower until they brushed over the erection straining against his pants. “You want to fuck me?”

Lee let out a low growl and then suddenly shoved me onto my back. Before I could move, he was on top of me, my hands pinned to the bed next to my pillow. My heart jumped into my throat as I remembered what he was capable of. Lee had killed dozens of men, some of them killers themselves. If they couldn’t stop him, what chance did I have? Lee was a terrifying man, a man who’d committed countless brutal murders without remorse.

But that wasn’t enough to make me stop wanting him.

“I don’t just want to fuck you, Jasper,” he growled, and let go of my left arm to close a hand lightly around my throat. “I want to wreck you, hold you down and make you beg. I want to mark you as mine, ruin you for anyone else.”

I let out an involuntary whimper and tipped my head back while my trapped cock leaked into my underwear. God, this was fucked up, but the way he manhandled me just made me harder for him. I rolled my hips up against him, trying to show him that yes, that was what I wanted, too.

“I’ll hurt you,” he rasped.

“I don’t care.”

“You fucking should. You deserve better, dammit!”

“But I don’t want better.” My tongue darted out to wet my lips. “I want you .”

A deep groan rumbled in his chest before his lips crashed against mine. I gasped, and he took advantage, thrusting his tongue inside to taste me. The kiss was rough and demanding, just like him. He devoured my mouth, nipping and sucking at my lips until they felt bruised and swollen.

His hands roamed my body with a bruising force, yanking at my clothes until he had me naked and writhing beneath him. I clawed at his back, trying to pull him closer, needing to feel his skin against mine.

Lee grabbed my wrists and pinned them above my head with one large hand. “Keep them there.”

“But Lee, I want to touch you.”

“You’ll take what you’re given,” he growled against my neck before biting down.

I cried out, my back arching off the bed as he marked me. He licked and sucked at the tender skin, sending jolts of painful pleasure straight to my aching cock.

“This is what you asked for,” he said, blunt nails raking over my nipples. “I warned you, didn’t I? Warned you I was a fucking animal, but you wouldn’t fucking listen, would you? Well, this is your last chance to back out. If you don’t stop me now…”

I whimpered and squirmed under his touch, fighting to grind against his body, to find any friction I could, but he wouldn’t let me. “Please, Lee,” I begged shamelessly. “ More .”

Lee growled deep in his throat as he grabbed my hips and flipped me onto my stomach. I gasped as he yanked my ass up into the air and blushed as I felt him spreading me open.

“God, look at you," Lee rasped, his calloused hands kneading. “So fucking gorgeous like this, all spread out for me. You want my cock, don't you, baby? Want me to stretch this tight little hole and fill you up?”

“Yes, please Lee,” I whimpered, pushing my ass back against him. “I need you inside me so bad.”

He delivered a sharp slap to my right cheek, making me yelp. “Greedy little slut. Don't worry, I'm gonna give you exactly what you need. Eventually.”

I twisted around, intending to ask him what he meant, but I didn’t get a chance.

Without warning, he buried his face between my cheeks. I cried out at the first swipe of his tongue over my hole and threw myself face-first into the worn pillows, shaking uncontrollably. Lee let out a dark laugh and lapped at me again, teasing my entrance with the tip of his tongue before plunging inside.

My fingers scrabbled at the sheets, fisting the cheap cotton as he ate me out with a single-minded determination. Obscene slurping sounds filled the room, punctuated by my loud moans. I'd been with plenty of guys, even if I usually had to pay for it, but I’d never had this. Never even thought I’d want it, but I’d have done anything for Lee.

I rocked my hips, fucking myself on his tongue, chasing more of that molten pleasure he offered. This was heaven, better than heaven. Better than I ever could’ve imagined it’d be.

I closed a hand around my weeping cock and started to jerk myself in time with the movements of his tongue, chasing my release.

Lee pulled away with a growl and slapped my ass again. “Quit that.”

“But Lee…” I whined. “I need to come.”

He grunted and shoved my face down into the mattress harder. “You’ll come on my cock or not at all. Understand?”

I flailed a little, fighting to get my mouth and nose clear of the mattress enough to breathe, and then nodded.

“Good boy. Now hold still for me. I’m not done getting you ready.”

I heard the click of a bottle cap and soon felt a slick finger circling my entrance. He teased me for a moment before pressing inside to work me open with skilled fingers, adding more lube as he stretched me wider. By the time he had three fingers pumping in and out, I was a writhing, moaning mess, fucking myself back on his hand.

“C’mon Lee, I'm ready. Fuck me, please!” I begged, too far gone to be ashamed.

Lee pulled his fingers free, and I whimpered at the loss. But then I heard the crinkle of a condom wrapper and the slick sounds of him coating his cock. My hole clenched in anticipation, and I arched my back, presenting myself to him completely.

“Fuck, look at you,” Lee murmured, stroking himself. “So desperate for my cock. Don't worry, baby. I'm gonna give it to you real good.”

The blunt head of his cock nudged against my entrance, and I tried to push back, but he held my hips steady. Then, with an animalistic grunt, he thrust forward, burying himself to the hilt in one smooth movement.

I could only whimper in response, panting as my body struggled to adjust to the intrusion. Lee was big, bigger than anyone I'd ever taken before, and the burning stretch was almost overwhelming. But that was how I wanted it. I wanted him to make me ache so badly, I’d never forget the night he made me his .

Lee paused, giving me only a moment to adjust to the intrusion before he started to move. He set a brutal pace right from the start, hammering into me so hard the cheap headboard slammed against the wall with each powerful thrust. The room filled with the filthy sounds of skin slapping against skin and my grunts as he drove into me again and again.

His fingers curled in my hair, and he yanked my head back. “Is this what you wanted?”

“Yes, Lee, fuck! Just like that!” I babbled incoherently, hands fisting in the sweat-dampened sheets. “Harder, please!”

Lee snarled and somehow fucked into me even harder, hips snapping against mine hard enough that my hips and lower back felt bruised.

Still, Lee drove into me with a single-minded ferocity, like a man possessed. Each powerful thrust sent shockwaves of white-hot pleasure radiating through my body. The cheap motel mattress springs creaked and groaned under the force of his thrusts as he pounded me into the bed.

I writhed desperately beneath him, my neglected cock leaking steadily onto the cheap sheet. It was all I could do to grind against the rough cotton sheets in a desperate search for friction. The fabric felt simultaneously too coarse and not enough against my overly sensitized skin. I fisted my hands in the sweat-dampened sheets to keep from touching myself, determined to follow Lee's orders and come on his cock alone, but I was so close. So dangerously, deliciously close…

“God, you feel so fucking good,” Lee panted, thrusting into me. “So. Fucking. Good!”

His fingers dug into my hips hard enough to leave finger-shaped bruises, preventing me from escaping the relentless onslaught of pleasure. Molten heat pooled low in my belly, coiling tighter with each drag of his thick cock over my prostate.

I was completely at his mercy, and I loved every second of it. Being used so thoroughly, claimed so completely, by the man I'd yearned for and worshipped from afar for so long was the biggest high I’d ever felt. In that moment, nothing existed outside of us—not the Fortiers, not our sins, not the consequences that awaited us come morning light. There was only me and him and the pleasure between us.

“Oh fuck, Lee, don't stop,” I whimpered, fisting my hands in the damp sheets. “I'm so close...”

“Yeah? You gonna come for me? I can’t fucking wait to feel this tight little hole milking my cock.”

His filthy words were my undoing. With a strangled cry, I came harder than I ever had in my life, my vision whiting out as wave after wave of ecstasy crashed over me. Cum splattered against my chest and the cheap motel sheets as my hole clenched rhythmically around Lee's cock, drawing him in even deeper.

“Fuck!” Lee snarled, his hips snapping forward in an erratic rhythm as he chased his own release.

I whimpered and writhed beneath him, completely overwhelmed by the intensity of my orgasm. It felt like it went on forever, aftershocks of pleasure sparking through my nerve endings with each drag of his cock over my overstimulated prostate.

Lee's hips slammed into me as he buried himself as deep as he could go and stilled, a guttural moan tearing from his throat as he finally came inside of me.

After what felt like an eternity, Lee collapsed on top of me, his sweaty chest pressing against my back as we both struggled to catch our breath. I could feel his heart pounding against my shoulder blade, perfectly in sync with my own racing pulse.

He hesitated before pressing an unexpected kiss to the back of my neck. Then, with a groan, he slipped his body free of mine and flopped onto his back beside me on the narrow motel bed. I instantly missed his weight and warmth, but I was too boneless and sated to move. I just laid there, sprawled on my stomach, face turned toward him on the pillow as I panted.

Lee’s lighter clicked, and soon the smell of ash and nicotine tickled my nose. “You good?”

I lifted my head to look at him, all sprawled out with smoke curling from his lit cigarette. He reminded me of a lion who’d just eaten his fill, but I couldn’t put my finger on why. That was just Lee.

Slowly, I clawed my way over to him, and put my head against his chest, throwing a limp arm around him. “Now I’m good.”

He grunted. “Good.”

“Hey, Lee?” I lifted my head to look up at him. “We’re gonna be okay, right?”

He reached down to comb his fingers through my sweat-dampened hair. “Yeah, Jasper,” he said, blowing smoke into the stale air. “We’re gonna be just fucking fine.”