33. Dex

33

DEX

"Gender-neutral restrooms signal to students that all genders are welcome. In fact, calling them all-gender wouldn't be a bad idea either. Regardless, they would help trans and nonbinary students feel safer. All we want is to have a private place to relieve ourselves on campus. More than one option in key locations would help as well," Kael says, and I'm grateful he decided to add his voice to the student government discussion. Hopefully, the university will be able to accommodate the request to add more locations.

After the meeting, we walk out together, and I'll admit there's been a spring in my step the past few days. A renewed sense of purpose and a quiet contentment I've felt dead center in my gut since the night spent with Austin.

Maybe Austin's right. Maybe I can make room in my life for somebody I care about. If I give it a chance. Maybe it won't be a disaster waiting to happen. What does it mean that I want it to be Austin?

Despite feeling on a high, there's a gnawing in my stomach that Austin losing his virginity might've been our finale, but what a finale it was. Not something I'll forget for a long time. It was more than just a casual hookup for me. It was intense and intimate and emotional too.

All the stuff I've wanted to avoid but couldn't when it came to him.

As it stands now, we haven't had any further discussions about our former or future dates. Just lots of smiles and, frankly, some heated looks.

There's also an underlying tension between us that is likely all one-sided on my part. I have the urge to blurt out that I think I might be in love with him. No, I definitely am. But I keep thinking about our conversation the following morning when Austin said I have so much to offer somebody, without including himself.

"Thanks again for inviting me," Kael says.

"So glad I did. You were great."

"I can see why you like being involved in that stuff. Especially if it helps change perspective and policy."

I smile. "Exactly. It makes it worthwhile."

He nods. "So…everything else cool?"

My gaze snaps to his. "Why do you ask?"

He hitches a shoulder. "Something seems different about you."

"Such as…?"

"You seem…lighter. Not that you aren't a happy person—you are—and you're always willing to lend a helping hand. You're outgoing and charitable, but this seems deeper." He waves a hand. "Not that I know you that well. Never mind. I shouldn't have said anything."

"Wait. You're right," I reply, a bit of that tension rolling off my shoulders. "Is…Austin acting different too?"

"Definitely, especially after…" He gives me a meaningful look.

"Austin told you about the other night? What happened between us?"

"Not exactly." He glances away. "He said he lost his virginity to a hot guy, so I can only assume it's you."

I rub a hand down my face. "God, I'm a mess."

His eyebrows draw together. "What does that mean?"

"These dates we've been going on? I think I've gone and caught feelings."

Fuck, it feels good to get it out there. To someone who knows Austin well.

"I knew it." He grins. "We told you guys you'd be good together."

"We?"

"Milo and I."

I glance over his shoulder as if Milo will suddenly appear. "Why does it seem like you two are conspiring?"

He laughs. "We're not—unless we see each other out and you two are around."

"Seriously?" I think back to karaoke night and seeing them whispering about something. Probably comparing notes. "You've been doing this behind the scenes without us knowing?"

"Sort of. It's hard to resist."

I shake my head and smirk. "Except, Austin might not even suspect how I feel. From what I've seen, our practice sessions have done the trick. He's more confident talking to men and going on dates. I don't want to take that away from him."

Kael rolls his eyes. "Austin is crazy about you."

My breath hitches. "He told you that?"

"Not in so many words, but it's obvious to everyone except you two dopes."

"Then why haven't I gotten that vibe from him?"

He folds his arms and gives me a pointed look. "Could it be because you always say you're not dating material?"

"Fuck, you're right." I briefly screw my eyes shut. "Been saying it for so long, these feelings sneaked up on me."

"Then I guess we need to infuse some confidence in you ."

"I'm confident. Except when it comes to this sort of stuff."

"Then maybe it's time for you to tell Austin how you feel."

My stomach drops as fear creeps in. "But what if I'm wrong?"

"Isn't that what life's all about? Taking risks to go after what you want? And if it doesn't work out in your favor, you learn from those experiences, right?"

I study Kael. I've never really appreciated all he must've been through. Maybe he'll consider me a close enough friend someday to share his journey with me.

"I mean, take it from me," Kael says. "I was terrified nobody would accept me for who I am. I still get scared, but I push forward."

"You're one of the bravest people I know."

He offers me a sad smile. "Fake it until you make it, right?"

Before bed, I consider what Kael said about letting my true feelings show. I think about my mom and some of our harsher conversations and begin seeing her from a new perspective. Maybe each time a potential life partner crosses her path, she hopes against hope he'll be the one. She's a romantic at heart, but that optimism clouds her choices. In the end, she just wants to be happy and have someone love her for who she is, and isn't that what life is all about?

Austin points out how attentive and thoughtful I am on our dates, and maybe that's true. At least when it comes to him. He's the only person I've ever put any effort toward, but it isn't a hardship. I just care about him and always have.

The next morning, I'm showered and dressed early from sheer nervous energy.

"Where are you off to?" Milo asks from his bed.

"Have you ever heard of the grand gesture?"

He stifles a yawn. "Like in romance movies?"

"And in real life?" Fuck, maybe my idea isn't such a good one.

"Uh-huh. I tried it once, toward the end, with Lisa."

I sit on the edge of my bed. "Did it work?"

"Sadly, no. She wanted us to take a break." He frowns. "That's a story for another day. But if I know who this grand-gesture idea is for, then I'm fully behind it. You need to put yourself out there."

I grab my stomach. "Oh God, I'm gonna barf."

"It's gonna be great."

I waffle all through my morning classes before finally heading to the bookstore and then to Luco Flowers. Austin has a shift at the coffee cart this afternoon, so I need to be speedy about it.

The bell above the door at Luco Flowers dings when I go in, and the owner looks up and smiles at me. "You're back! Does this mean the poppies are working?"

I feel myself flush. "Yeah, I suppose they are."

"So what can I get you this time?"

"A bouquet of different colored poppies."

"Oooh, nice idea. We have white, pink, and red. Would that work?"

"That would be great. Do you think you can add some pink roses to the mix?"

She makes up the bouquet, and soon enough, I'm on my way back to campus.

Doubt begins creeping in the closer I get, so I find a bench to sit and get organized. I open my backpack and set the bouquet inside, leaving enough room so the flowers don't get squished. Arranging them gives me some time to rebuild my confidence.

I sling my backpack over my shoulder and head toward the center of campus. When Austin and the coffee cart come into view, I lose my breath. It's as if I'm seeing my best friend in a new light, one that underscores all the stuff I love most about him. Not only his hair and eyes and shy smile but also his tall stature and unassuming attractiveness. It's his quiet fortitude to stand in his own truth and not back down from what he wants. And how he cares enough to be a solid foundation or a soft place for someone to land. He deserves the world and more.

I join the back of the line with jelly legs, and I'm so in my own head that it takes me a bit to notice that Brandon is two customers in front of me, as if the gods are mocking me. It's guys like him that made Austin want to do the fake dates in the first place. Though I'm not blaming Brandon himself—he seems unaware of his effect on my friend.

Now, I'm even more petrified about having an audience. I don't generally mind that sort of thing, but Austin might. God, I'm an idiot. What if he's mortified? And how about me when he turns me down?

If Austin notices I'm in line, let alone Brandon, he doesn't show it. He's too busy filling orders and calling out the names of customers waiting on the side. The blue-haired girl is running the cart with him today, but Austin seems to be doing most of the work.

This might end up being the exact wrong time. But the whole point of the grand gesture is to do it in public, just like in Austin's romance books.

And hopefully, we'll get that elusive happily ever after I never even knew I wanted as badly as Austin and my mom. Christ, what a turn of events.

I stew on that as the line keeps moving, but my thoughts are disrupted when I hear Brandon's voice. "Hey, Austin."

Austin is distracted, but at that, he looks up. "Oh, hey, Brandon." Austin's tone of voice is flat, and there's no stutter. Does this mean he's over his crush, or has his self-confidence taken hold?

Or maybe I'm wrong on both counts. Maybe Austin realizes he doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell with Brandon, and he's come to accept it. Besides, just because you find someone attractive doesn't mean they're right for you.

Once Brandon gives his order, he steps aside to wait but then calls Austin's name again. I clench my jaw, ready to defend Austin at all costs.

"Yeah?" Austin asks, and I can't help leaning forward to hear better.

Brandon throws Austin a cocky grin. "I was thinking maybe you and I could get together sometime."

Austin's eyebrows rise to his hairline. "For what?"

His innocent response makes me want to laugh and cuddle him all at once.

Brandon quickly glances around and then leans closer. "You know…to get to know each other better?"

"Oh, I…you…uh…" Austin starts stuttering, and suddenly, I'm blinded by crushing jealousy. I don't want to hear the rest of their conversation, so I step out of line and head over to the same bench Austin sits at before his shifts. I take some deep breaths and calm my racing heart. No way I want to listen to him stumbling through another date proposal.

I suppose I only have myself to blame. Austin is hot and sweet, and now that he's more confident, he might attract even more prospects. Not that I think Brandon deserves someone like him. But I also don't want to meddle in his dating life. I should be happy for him.

"Where are you going, Dex?" Austin calls to me. "Why'd you step out of line?"

"Uh, I…"

He lifts a finger. "Hold on."

I watch as he says something to the blue-haired girl, then heads toward me.

"Here, I poured you an Americano." He hands me the cup, seemingly oblivious to why I'm upset. "Can you believe Brandon asked me out?"

"I'm not surprised he finally came to his senses," I say, taking a sip for my parched throat. "He sees what a hottie you are."

"I don't know about all that. Probably just hoping for a hookup."

I clench my jaw. "Then the ball's in your court."

"Well, I turned him down."

My heart vaults to my throat.

"Whoa, look at you!" I force a smile. "A heartbreaker, after all."

"What? No, that's not…" Austin frowns. "I turned him down because of our dates."

"Because of our… Huh?"

He squats in front of me. "Once upon a time, you said we should be honest with each other when we want the dates to stop."

Jesus, I did say that, didn't I? And it obviously helped keep our friendship intact.

"Stop our dates?" I squeak out, and he nods.

Was this some sort of chivalrous act? Is Austin saying he can't accept another offer if he's still practicing with me? We've never said we were exclusive, but God, I love him for being such a good person.

"It's okay, I get it. Thanks for thinking of me."

He blinks. "Get what?"

I stare at my shoes. "That you're a good communicator and think you need to end the practice stuff with me before you accept a date with Brandon."

"No, dumbass, that's not the reason." His laugh is humorless. "But I'm glad you think my intentions are good."

"So you're saying you want to end our fake dates outright?"

"Uh-huh."

I try to control the emotion in my voice. "Okay, fine."

My stomach throbs. I feel fucking awful. God, this was a bad idea.