Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Seventeen

Ghosts of the Past

ZACH

We’re a few miles north of Missoula on a small, forested highway. The shadows are getting long, and soon, we’ll need the car headlights, so we search for a good place to stop for the night. Driving at night makes us an easy target. Better to only travel during the daylight.

We take a small dirt road that runs off the main highway. After about a mile, we’re in the foothills. Out of sight from the main road, we find a big clearing surrounded by woods. By the time we set up camp and eat a simple meal of warmed canned chili, the sun has set, and the sky has turned a deep purple.

I turn to Aiden. The flickers of the campfire illuminate his face. He’s so handsome, and again my mind goes to earlier with him pressed against me in the car.

“You’re staring again.” Aiden says, looking my way.

“Sorry. Just love the glow of the fire.” I’m glad he can’t see my blushing in the flickering light. “We made good time today.”

“Yeah, not bad. That car is fun to drive.”

“By tomorrow, we should be in Idaho. We might even pass Cedar Grove.”

Aiden looks at me questioningly. “What’s Cedar Grove?”

“You’ve never heard of Cedar Grove?” My mouth gapes open.

Aiden shakes his head.

“It’s only the best amusement park in the entire Northwest. Well, maybe the only one, actually.”

Aiden laughs. “Well, that explains why I’ve never heard of it then. What’s so special about it?”

“I’ve just got a lot of memories. It was my first roller coaster.” I smile wistfully. “And my first kiss.”

Now I have his attention.

“Do tell.” Aiden smiles.

“It was Felix, of course. We’d been friends for as long as I can remember. We were thirteen. Both our parents surprised us with a trip to Cedar Grove. We’d done all the roller coasters, so I asked him what we should do next. He pointed to this dark ride called Earthquake. It’s not exactly the tunnel of love, but everybody knew that was the make-out ride at Cedar Grove.”

Aiden laughs. “I can see where this is going.”

“Heh. Yeah. Well, at the time, I had a huge crush on Felix, and I’d been doing a lot of imagining us making out. He didn’t know, of course. And I was certain he would freak out if he did.

“I was sure I liked guys. After my massive crush on Tom Holland in Spider-Man, it was hard to deny it. It’s just that Felix was also my best friend. And I didn’t know how to deal with the fact that I was obsessed with kissing my best friend.

“We rode in the car together. He was flinching at every noise, and his knuckles were turning white, holding on to the safety bar. I wanted so badly to reach out and hug him. And then I got my wish. At this one jump scare, our car swerved sharply, and he jumped into my arms. We looked at each other and both laughed. But our eyes were locked together, and we stopped laughing. There was a look on his face I’d never seen before. So I kissed him.”

Aiden smiles in the firelight. But something else flashes in his expression. Maybe the slightest hint of jealousy.

“At first, he didn’t kiss back. I was sure I’d ruined our friendship. But he didn’t pull away either. We still had our arms wrapped around each other. And then he kissed me back. That was it. I knew he felt the same way. We were boyfriends. We rode the Earthquake about five more times, to be sure.”

Aiden lets loose a heartfelt laugh.

“We kept it a secret for a while. Until we were both ready to come out to our families. But from that moment, we were inseparable.”

“Wow. That’s really sweet.” Aiden smiles.

“Yeah. It’s a nice memory. But even then, it was indicative of our relationship. I had to initiate everything. Felix was always so timid. In the end, that was our downfall. We probably should have broken up earlier, but again, it was me who had to initiate that.”

Aiden nods and stares into the fire, looking very contemplative.

I sigh. “Anyway, enough about Felix.”

By now, twilight is over, and the stars have come out. I lean my chair back to get a better view. “I’ll never get used to how bright the stars are now.”

Aiden looks up in wonder. “Yeah, without city lights, we can see a billion of them.”

“I get now why they call it the Milky Way.”

Before the Great Collapse, there was still a certain amount of light pollution, even in the middle of nowhere. But with all the power grids out, there’s no light whatsoever. It’s hard to understand the difference until you experience it. On a cloudy night, the darkness is absolute. You can’t even make out your hand right in front of your face.

But it’s breathtaking on a night like tonight, with a clear, moonless sky. The middle of the galaxy and the radiating arms spreading out from its center are plain to see. And our tiny planet is one of a billion-billion little orbs spinning its way around. It’s enough to make me laugh at my insignificant problems.

The stars provide enough light to illuminate Aiden’s face. He’s looking upward, still with a look of deep contemplation.

“Kinda puts things into perspective, huh?” I ask.

“Yeah, it kinda does.”

“Before all this, I had a lot of my life planned out. I was going to finish college. Go work at Google. Fall in love and marry the man of my dreams. Buy a house and maybe have surrogate kids with some lesbian friends. Retire to the Mediterranean and travel the rest of my life.”

“That’s well planned out.” Aiden laughs. “Sounds like a nice life.”

“But now, I don’t even know what the next month will bring. If life’s all about survival, finding the next meal, what’s the point?”

Aiden looks over at me, his eyes tired and sad. “You’re kinda hitting me at a rough time to get too philosophical. You might not like my answers.”

I reach over and put my hand on his arm. “Hey, I’m here if you want to talk about stuff. Tell me what’s going on.”

*

AIDEN

When Zach puts his hand on my arm, my gut reaction is to pull away. To bury the pain and clam up again. These are things he doesn’t need to know. He shouldn’t know. The less he knows, the better.

But his touch sends a wave of warmth through me. And the look on his face is so tender and earnest. I’ve bottled up these feelings, this guilt, for so long. And here’s a kind soul who’s reaching out, who seems to care.

Zach senses this. “Go ahead. You can tell me.”

I take a deep breath and gaze into his eyes. “Nobody knows the entire story. But here goes. You remember the bunker I made it to?”

Zach nods.

“Well, after Connor brought me and Marcus back, they recruited me into the couriers. I didn’t really want to do it, but it’s why they took us in. So I couldn’t really say no. A special forces soldier trained me and taught me how to defend myself. How to survive. It turns out I was good at it. But nobody was better than Connor. We spent a lot of time together training. He was good-looking and friendly to me. I never thought he liked me more than a friend. But Marcus was still jealous.”

Zach glances over. “I know the feeling. Felix got jealous too.”

I nod. “Connor and I drifted apart after that. Well, that mission I told you about where I thought Connor died? What I didn’t say was Marcus was furious. I told him there was nothing to worry about. I didn’t see Connor that way. I wanted to learn from him in the field. Learn from the best. But I left on the mission before Marcus and I really resolved it. We left on bad terms, and that’s one of my greatest regrets.”

I tell Zach about how Marcus was sick when I returned from that horrible mission. For the first time, I repeat Marcus’s dying words out loud. “Connor. I know—”

Zach’s eyes are glossy when I finish. “I’m so sorry about Marcus. And that you only got to see him at the very end.”

I nod, wiping away my tears.

“What do you think Marcus was trying to say?” Zach asks in barely a whisper.

But I can’t answer. I can barely meet Zach’s gaze. It’s been so long since I’ve dug into these thoughts that other buried memories start bubbling to the surface. Why did Marcus say Connor’s name? I thought Connor was dead at the time, but now I know he wasn’t. What does that mean? Did Marcus suspect what had happened between Connor and me on that trip? There’s no way Marcus could have known. Still, the guilt of it rips at me.

Zach looks into my eyes, searching for answers. As his gaze pierces into me, my face gives me away.

“There’s something else, isn’t there?” he asks.

My heart wrenches. Why does Zach always figure this stuff out? I turn my head, not able to look at him.

“Something else happened with you and Connor.” Zach takes my hand. “Tell me.”

I breathe deeply, thinking back on a memory I’ve locked so tightly in my mind, so securely, I can scarcely remember it. But when I say the first words, the details come flooding back. “It was the night before Connor fell off the bridge. We’d been driving all day and finally stopped for the night. We set up camp and made a small campfire.

“When Connor was around other people, he always seemed to put on a show. But he was a lot less intimidating when I was with him one-on-one. That night, we talked about being couriers and what a challenge it was. He said he was impressed by me, which was a huge compliment because I really looked up to him. He told me there were few people he trusted more in the field than me.”

I skip the part where Connor tells me his conspiracy theories about the Collective and his thinly veiled attempt to recruit me. I can’t tell Zach I’m carrying XT58. I have too many conflicting thoughts about what role the Collective did or didn’t play. This is more than I can get into right now.

“I hardly noticed it, but before long, we were sitting next to each other, huddled by the fire, trying to keep warm.” I take a deep breath. “And that’s when he kissed me. It was so unexpected that it took me a moment to register what was happening. But then I pushed him away and told him no, and that it wasn’t what I wanted.”

Zach watches with rapt attention, frown deepening.

“But that didn’t stop him. He pulled me back in. My immediate reaction should have been to jump up and get some distance between us. But I didn’t. I let it happen. He kept kissing me. I hate to say it, but I got caught up in it. Then he reached for my pants and started unbuttoning them. That’s what snapped me back to reality. And all I could think of was Marcus and how right he had been. He begged me not to go, but I didn’t listen.

“So I tried to get away, but Connor pulled me back again. The sudden forcefulness scared the crap out of me. For a moment, there was something in his eyes. I was genuinely frightened of him.”

I pause for a moment, not sure I can continue. These memories were buried so deeply that dredging them up makes the hurt feel fresh again. Tears are welling up.

But Zach is watching quietly, with such intense and caring eyes. “Keep going. I’m listening.”

“I yelled ‘no’ and pushed him away. He grabbed my wrists again, so hard it gave me bruises. This massive surge of adrenaline gave me the strength to get free. I jumped up, ready to defend myself. I didn’t know how he’d react. I thought he might come at me again. This man I’d known for months turned into a different person.

“He got up and stormed off to his tent. His face was so filled with hatred. I’ll never forget that look.”

Zach’s eyes are glossy.

I say quietly, “You’re the first person I’ve told that to.” And then my tears really start flowing. I’m sobbing.

Zach comes over and puts his arm around me, rubbing my back. “Go ahead and cry. Let it all out.”

“I’m sorry, Zach,” I say between sobs. “This was too much for me to unload on you.”

“Aiden, it’s too much for you to hold in. You need to let these things out.”

“I can’t believe I betrayed Marcus.”

Zach grabs me by the shoulders and looks into my eyes. “No! Listen. You didn’t betray Marcus. Connor pushed you, and he went too far. Once you said ‘no’ and he didn’t stop, that was assault.”

“But I didn’t stop him at first. I let it happen.”

“You didn’t let it happen. You fought back. It wasn’t something you asked for or wanted. A shock like that can take time to process. Don’t confuse your moment’s hesitation as anything else. You did the right thing. It was Connor’s fault. And only his.”

Zach’s words are comforting. But I’m not sure I’m ready to forgive myself yet. Zach wasn’t there. He didn’t feel what I felt.