Chapter 29

CHAPTER29

Steam curled against my heated skin as I leaned back in the near scalding water and closed my eyes.

“Open,” Azazel said, and I obediently opened my mouth to accept the grape he offered me.

After the repeated incineration of our bedroom, we’d retreated to the luxurious bathroom in my old quarters to soak in the huge tub. Sunk into the floor, it was big enough to effortlessly accommodate half a dozen people, bordering more on a pool than a jacuzzi. Once, when I’d been in a particularly foul mood, I’d testily asked Azazel if it had indeed accommodated that number of demons at some point in the past. To which he, ever the smooth charmer, had reminded me he’d had this built only after I’d come to live with him and he’d relocated my quarters to be next to his.

No one but me and him had ever enjoyed this tub together, and the knowledge of it soothed some irrationally jealous part of me. Most days, I could easily deal with the sheer amount of time he’d lived well before me, and the number of lovers and experiences he’d had before I ever knew him. Sometimes, though, on days when my mind and heart were especially fragile, illogical insecurity would seep through the cracks and gnaw at my composure.

It was on those days when Azazel would handle me with unwavering gentleness, giving me the grace that I myself couldn’t.

To be loved that much, through all my flaws and weaknesses…it was still so novel for me.

I now accepted the next piece of fruit he held to my lips, knowing that letting him hand-feed me soothed him far more than it did me. The past few days had scarred us both, and we both needed to find reassurance in each other, whichever form that would take.

While we were soaking in the hot water, I’d started telling him the tale of my sojourn at Lucifer’s palace, filling him in on the details of what happened, and when I came to the letter drafts I’d found, Azazel’s gaze sharpened, tension hardening his muscles.

“He intends to ask for a pardon for her?”

I nodded, pushing a wet strand of hair behind my ear. “It’s not clear from the drafts whether he actually finished and sent the letter, but judging from something Lilith said later, I think he hasn’t sent it yet. I don’t know if he completely abandoned the idea, or if maybe he’ll come back to it at some point…” I made a pause, my brow scrunching. “What I don’t get is why he needs a pardon to have her healed.”

Azazel tilted his head in question.

“Lilith alluded that it’s in Heaven’s—or more likely, God’s—power to heal a broken mind. But why is it necessary for her to ascend to Heaven for that? Why not just heal her mind—I don’t know—on Earth? And then send her back to Hell?”

“God doesn’t come to Earth,” was his simple answer.

I blinked at him in surprise. “What? Why?”

He shrugged. “No one knows. It’s just a fact. God hasn’t been to Earth since…” He trailed off, his expression thoughtful. “I actually can’t remember an account of God having ever been on Earth. So if it’s God’s direct power that is necessary to heal a broken mind, the only way for Naamah to receive the required Grace is to be in Heaven. I’m guessing it might also have something to do with being—and staying—near the source of all life. Maybe an instance of one-time healing wouldn’t work, and she needs to be connected with the heavenly realm in order to stay healthy.”

“Right,” I murmured. “That makes sense.”

Azazel’s eyes darkened, his focus turning inward. “I’ll go see her then.”

My heart skipped a beat. “Your mother?”

He nodded, the muscles in his throat moving as he swallowed. “There’s no way to ascertain whether this is an ongoing plan of Lucifer’s, which means I’ll have to treat this as if it were.” His eyes met mine again, faint lightning flashing in their stormy depths. “I can’t very well ask him about it because it will, of course, raise the question how I know. And he’s shrewd enough to put two and two together with your having just spent time in his palace, in personal spaces of his, and me suddenly asking him about whether he intends to have my mother pardoned and ascended to Heaven. This is undoubtedly something that few are privy to, given the sensitive nature of this information.” His fingers drummed on the edge of the tub. “And I’d rather he not find out that you snooped and learned of this. Lilith’s favor grants you some measure of protection, but we shouldn’t push it. The less he takes negative notice of you, the better.”

“I wholeheartedly agree,” I murmured.

“So I’ll have to assume that this pardon plan is still ongoing…and that my mother could be ascending to Heaven at any point, should Gabriel grant Lucifer’s request.” He took a deep breath and released it slowly. “Which means I might not have much time left to go visit her at all.”

My heart ached on his behalf. I knew what that felt like all too well… Once Naamah ascended to Heaven, she’d be far out of Azazel’s reach, much like my own mother would be forever lost to me when she died. There was a chance, of course, that Naamah might be able to visit Earth, and that maybe, just maybe, she’d be able to meet with Azazel and Azmodea once she was an angel and doing better mentally, but it might just as well go the other way. Heaven might restrict her movements and keep her from going to Earth, in which case, Azazel would truly never see her again.

I grasped his hand and squeezed it. “You should visit her as soon as possible.”

He nodded, his face set in hard lines.

“Speaking of a visit…” I began, walking my fingers up his arm. “I may have agreed to accompany Lilith to Earth.” Ducking my head, I bit my lip and squinted at him.

It was only after I’d arranged the meeting with Lilith that it occurred to me that maybe I should have consulted Azazel beforehand. It wasn’t that I felt like he should make decisions for me, but he inarguably had more experience with politics and dealing with the subtleties of relationships in Hell, and he might have some insight or deeper knowledge that would be useful when it came to forging connections.

He tilted his head and regarded me for a long moment. “She wants you to visit Earth with her?”

“Yeah, well, it was kind of me who made the suggestion, because one of her handmaidens or whatever said that it would be good for Lilith, and I agree—she seems to be…happy whenever we talk and I tell her stories of Earth, and even Lilith herself said that apparently I woke her up from a long slumber and helped her jump out of the pot—”

Azazel looked distinctly confused.

“You know, the pot? With the boiling water? Never mind. Anyways, Lilith hasn’t been to Earth in a super long time because she felt like it wasn’t fair that she could go and Lucifer couldn’t, at least that’s what she told me the one time, but we also think it might be because she didn’t have a connection to Earth anymore and felt so out of touch, but then when she saw me, all of her interest in humans and Earth flared back to life, and so we thought with me as her guide, she’ll be better able to enjoy a visit to Earth and—”

He covered my mouth with his hand, effectively interrupting my word vomit. “Zoe,” he said, the hint of a smile playing about his lips, “it’s fine.”

I mumbled something against his palm, and he removed it from my mouth.

“No, I’m not mad,” he answered my question. “In fact, I think this is a good thing.”

“You do?”

“It’s a smart, strategical move.”

Well, butter my butt and call me biscuit. I hadn’t seen that one coming.

At my undoubtedly astonished expression, he elaborated, “You’ve just forged what amounts to an alliance with Lilith, the second most powerful being in Hell, and incidentally, the only one able to rein in Lucifer. You said she considers you a friend and has officially given you her favor and even rebuked Lucifer in front of witnesses for putting you in harm’s way. On a smaller scale, she just did for you what Lucifer did for her when he established his rule—her power protects you.” His smile was a tiny bit wicked. “And by extension, also me.”

I raised my brows. “Oh?”

“From what you say, Lilith has made it clear that she values you and wants to see you unharmed…and happy. If Lucifer were to act against me politically, and if I lost my rank and status as a result, you would suffer as well because your standing is tied to mine. With a favor as strong as Lilith has given you, anyone who’d harm you—even by extension—would incur Lilith’s wrath and displeasure, and that’s something Lucifer especially will try to avoid.”

My mouth hung open. I hadn’t realized the full implications of all that had occurred…which was why Azazel’s insight was so crucial.

“It’s not entirely bulletproof,” he added, giving me a stern look. “Having Lilith’s favor doesn’t mean you can strut around feeling invincible and act without regard for consequences. It’s still prudent to stay off Lucifer’s radar as much as possible.”

I gave him a military salute. “Yes, sir.”

“Save that type of address for later.” His eyes held the sliest glint. “Your continued association with Lilith will be good, though. The fact that you’re doing something nice for her, like being her guide to Earth, will strengthen the bond you have and thereby your standing. So, yes, I approve of that visit, and I’ll come along as your escort.”

“My…escort, hm?” I waggled my brows at him.

He splashed me with water for my efforts, and I giggle-shrieked and ducked. For the span of a few precious, lightweight moments, everything dissolved into a hilarious, ridiculous water fight that made my heart sigh with happiness.

“While you were away,” Azazel said after we’d eventually called a truce and were snacking on fruit and candies again, “I seized another territory.”

I drew up short. “Oh?”

“One of Inachiel’s allies took umbrage at how I dealt with Inachiel.” He popped a grape into his mouth and chewed. “So I demonstrated just how unwilling I am to listen to complaints from those who’d doubt my right to defend what is mine.”

The beginnings of a shiver stole over my skin despite the heat of the bath.

“It won’t be long now,” he went on, offering me a piece of watermelon, “until I can claim the title of seraph.”

I gave him a wan smile and accepted the watermelon. While I chewed, my mind scrambled to make sense of the sudden spike of dread I felt, the resurgence of the fear I’d felt all those weeks ago, triggered by the war interlude with Inachiel. Azazel and I had talked about it, but it hadn’t felt resolved—deep down, I’d known there was something I couldn’t see yet, couldn’t name yet, and it lay at the heart of my fear.

Now, here in the bath, after my stay at Lucifer’s and my conversations with Lilith, the realization of what it was rooted in crept up on me like some blood-soaked mist.

Noticing my no doubt stricken expression, Azazel grew still, his gaze sharpening. “What is it?”

I blinked and shook my head, trying to form into words what was haunting me. “Remember how you thought I was afraid of you? After the whole Inachiel wing massacre?”

He nodded, his silent attention searing me with its focus.

“I told you that I don’t fear you,” I said quietly, haltingly, navigating along my newfound clarity, “and it’s true.” I met his gaze, and every cell in my body felt electrified by the intensity of the contact. “But I fear for you.”

His brows drew together.

“I fear for us.” I licked my lips, my mouth suddenly dry. “I didn’t realize it earlier, but seeing Lucifer, watching him and Lilith…and hearing her talk about him…” I swallowed hard. “She said he was different when they first met. Not as cruel, not as callous. But when he brought Lilith to Hell and had to establish his rule and her rank as equal to his, the ruthlessness necessary to enforce her status and bring all the other demons to heel… Lilith said he had to kill parts of himself to achieve that.” My voice dropped to a whisper at the last words, my lips trembling. “The softer, more vulnerable parts of him.”

Azazel regarded me with narrowed eyes. “Go on,” he said quietly.

“She also said that she’d grown numb over the millennia. To the point she barely remembered who she once was. What it felt like to be human, to have a human heart.” I pressed my lips together, tight bands snapping around my chest, holding all that corrosive fear inside, to fester and spoil. “What if that…what if that is our future?”

“That is what you fear?” he asked softly. “That I will turn into Lucifer? That you’ll grow numb like Lilith?”

I looked at him with helpless apprehension. “You said you’d fight your way to the top. That you’d leave a bloody trail of bodies on your quest to become powerful enough to make everyone respect my rank the way they respect Lilith’s. That sounds an awful lot like what Lucifer did—what he had to do—in order to protect her by virtue of his power. He wanted to shield her from the cruelty of his brethren, but to do that, he had to become the cruelest of them all.” I took a deep breath of the humid air. “I know you seek to rise in rank and power because you want to make sure I’m respected. But at what cost? What if the price for that will be the parts of you I fell in love with? Your spirit, your conscience, that core of kindness in you? What if I’ll lose you, not to death, but to the slow erosion of all that is good in you?”

For an achingly long moment, he held my gaze, indefinable storms raging in his eyes. “Losing those parts,” he finally said, his voice somber, “would be considered an advantage here in Hell.”

A ping of hurt in my chest.

“But,” he continued, “I find…that is one advantage I do not want to use. I would rather keep those parts of me…for the sake of keeping you.”

I drew in a shuddering breath.

Slowly, he moved closer, the water sloshing around him, until he was right in front of me and framed my face with his hands, his eyes glowing with fire and lightning. “There is no guarantee for anything in life,” he spoke into the heated space between us. “No prediction of the future. But know this.” He gently brushed his lips over mine. “I promise to fight to keep that side of me alive. Not only for your sake but also for my own. Because your love brings those parts of me to the fore…and I have never liked myself better than when I am with you.”

I closed my eyes and slung my arms around his neck, love and fear beating in tandem with the pounding of my heart.

“And I won’t allow you to become numb,” he murmured at my ear. “Because it would smother all that makes you you. We’ll keep each other in check, all right? Our fate is not bound to those who came before us. We can forge our own path. Together.”

I nodded, my breath hot against the curve of his neck.

I wanted so desperately to believe it.