3. Sam

Chapter 3

Sam

I don’t know how much longer I sit in the chapel after Brixton leaves. Feels like I’ve been in here for hours…days…years, even. But for as much time as I’ve spent in here, it hasn’t done a damn thing to help my brother Chase.

Memories pop between my ears like cracking bullets.

My mind trips back to the day on the football field when I was visiting him at Michigan State. It was just a scrimmage, first of the season. The sun beat down on me as I watched my brother launch his arm back to make a pass. Three guys on the opposing team barreled into him when he tried to stand up, and he crumpled to the ground.

With a throbbing heart, I can still feel the panic flooding my veins, watching him lie motionless on the field. Seconds dragged into minutes. I rose on legs that were wobbly as limp spaghetti noodles as the medical team worked on him.

He’d always been so healthy and strong. One of the best players in the college circuit. How the fuck did his heart just give out without warning ?

I ball my hands into fists and slam them on the top of the pew.

Turns out that arrhythmogenic cardiomyopathy, a deadly coronary artery disease, is underdiagnosed and can occur pretty suddenly. He’d had coronary bypass surgery to restore blood flow to the heart but was told his football career was over because the condition raises the likelihood of cardiac arrest and sudden death.

Boom. Just like that. Everything he’d worked for was yanked out from under him.

But he was alive. That was all that mattered. He never let it get him down. He just changed gears and created a new path for himself. Said he wanted to be a pediatric cardiologist so that he could help detect heart disease early in kids so that lives weren’t lost so senselessly. He’d been one of the lucky ones because he was saved. So many times, that’s not the case. He wanted to make a positive change.

He's been working so hard for the past six years to do it.

And according to the team of specialists working on him, he’s not going to make it to the finish line. His heart has gotten too weak despite the best treatments, and he’s now in the end stages of heart failure.

My big brother, the star quarterback, is now lying on his death bed because, short of a miracle and a donor heart, he won’t survive to see the end of the month, much less his residency here in Oakland.

Tears sting my eyes and I drop my head onto my clenched fists.

It’s not fucking fair. Chase doesn’t deserve this. He’s touched so many lives and has the ability to impact so many more. How the hell can we really be here right now, saying goodbye to such a bright and shining star?

“How the fuck can you just snuff out that light?” I growl into the silence. “How can you take him away from us like this?”

I slouch back against the pew, half-expecting to explode into flames for challenging God’s bullshit plan in his space.

I don’t.

I’m just consumed by the impending doom of what comes next.

Maybe that’s my punishment.

I rise to my feet and scrub a hand down the front of my face. Sometimes I think I’m a coward for coming down here. Yeah, I say I’m here to plead my case with God, but if I’m being honest, I’m also hiding from the devastation that’s damn close to crushing our family.

I can’t run from it anymore. It’ll eventually find me and suck me in.

With a heaviness in my gut, I pull open the chapel door and trudge to the VIP floor. Since this is the hospital Chase is working his residency in, they’ve given him top notch accommodations to make sure he’s comfortable while they scramble for a heart that might not come in time.

When I arrive at his room, I stand in the open doorway, staring at my family.

Mom and Dad sit on either side of Chase’s bed. They each hold one of his pale hands. Mom’s rosary is clutched in her free one. The room is blanketed in a soft glow from the overhead light. No other lamps are on. Tension is thick in the air, Mom’s quiet sobs making my chest ache.

One of the nurses approaches. Her name is Rayleigh but everyone calls her Rae. I turn to look at her. She’s pretty, and usually really perky. Quick with a bright smile and sparkly blue eyes. But tonight, her eyebrows are knitted together, lips are twisted into a frown, and her normally laughing gaze is dulled by sadness .

I take a few steps backward into the hallway. “This is the end, isn’t it.” I pose it as a statement instead of a question.

Rae’s shoulders hunch over. “His sats have been dropping. We’re medicating him, but the damage is too extensive.”

I turn back to my brother. “He needs a heart.”

“We’re trying so hard to find one.” Her voice cracks and she wrings her hands together. I know Chase has had a thing for Rae ever since he started here as an intern, and I’ve noticed how attentive she is with him, especially when she thinks nobody is watching. “I’m still hoping we can find one before it’s too late.”

Too late.

Feels like we might be there already.

I swallow hard past the lump in my throat. Chase’s eyes float open and he slowly moves his head toward me and Rae.

“Hey, stalker.” His voice is weak but he still manages a smile.

I step into the room, leaving Rae in the hallway. Mom looks up, startled. I drop a kiss on the top of her head and she struggles to stand up. Dad walks around the side of the bed and puts his arm around her. They both look at me, their tired eyes and haggard faces making my heart ache.

“Go get some air.” I nod toward my brother. “Let me stay with him for a while.”

Rae follows my parents down the hallway after flashing a final sad smile at Chase.

“She’s really into you,” I say, sinking into the chair where my mother sat hunched over the bed a few seconds earlier.

“Yeah…” His eyes stay on the empty doorway for a long second. “In another life, we could have really been something.”

“I hate hearing you talk like that.”

“Gotta be realistic, baby bro. We’ve been hanging on for a long time, hoping and praying for a miracle. But it’s just not in the cards for me. I’ve done as much good as I can and I’m glad for every day I woke up and was able to help people who might not have made it through otherwise.”

“You gave so much,” I say, my jaw tight. “It’s not fucking fair.”

“Maybe that was my purpose. My wake-up call.” He shrugs and sighs.

It pains me to look at him. He’s such a different version of the guy he used to be, like a before and after of Steve Rogers taking the superpower serum in Captain America .

He turns his gaze up at me. “I’ve accepted it and you need to as well.”

I grit my teeth. “I can’t. I won’t.”

“There isn’t anything you can do to stop it. It was a freak thing that went undetected and the after effects…” He shakes his head. “My heart’s a lemon. What can you do?”

“I’m not giving up. You’ve got more to do.”

Chase points at one of the machines next to him. “Those readings beg to differ. Now let’s talk about something we can fix, like your game. What the heck happened to you on that field today? You’re not allowed to have a bad day. You’ve worked too hard. When you’re out there, you need to think about the game and nothing else, understand? That’s what’s in your control.”

“You’ve always been so goddamn matter-of-fact and logical about shit.” I roll my eyes.

“Yes, well, it’s kind of necessary when you’re a doctor.” He winks at me. “I can’t get lost in my emotions, and neither should you. Do your job, Sammy. Be the star I know you are.”

I recline in my chair and rake a hand through my hair. “Speaking of stars, I ran into one a little while ago in the chapel. Brixton Scott. ”

Chase’s eyes pop open wide, wider than I’ve seen in a long time. “The lead singer of Sin City? No shit!”

“No shit.”

I can’t shrug the guilt that eats at me, though. For as attracted as I am to the rock star, vicious and fierce jealousy plagues my mind and soul. Brixton’s brother gets to live while my brother…

Fuck. I still can’t even think it.

“I love that band. I remember going to see them before they got big. Those were great nights,” he muses.

“They were…” My voice drifts off and suddenly I’m back in the chapel, tormented by toxic thoughts and choked with desire for a man I’m not even a hundred percent sure is gay.

Chase’s eyes narrow. “What are you not saying?”

I blink fast. “What do you mean?”

“Oh, come on. You think I missed the fact that you were a total groupie for Sin City back in the day? You always knew where they’d be, and if we were in driving distance, it was a done deal that we’d be going to that club.” He smirks. “You’ve got a thing for Brixton Scott. You always did.”

“You’re delusional,” I scoff, turning away because I can feel the heat creeping up the sides of my neck. “And why the hell are we having this conversation anyway? We should be talking about you.”

“I’m sick of talking about me. There’s nothing left to talk about. We’ve gone over everything a million times, and…”

He stops and my spine stiffens.

“What?”

Chase pulls his eyes away from me. “I signed a DNR.”

The words hit me like a cinderblock to the chest. “What the fuck are you talking about? You’re on the list for a heart. You really want to give up?”

“The odds aren’t great.” He sinks deeper into the white pillows. “And I don’t want to be kept alive with machines, waiting for something that might never come.”

“You can’t just give up,” I rasp.

“I’ve accepted what I can’t change,” he whispers. “And you need to do the same. Be there for Mom and Dad. Take care of them.”

“Stop talking like you’re dying,” I growl, pushing back the chair and shooting out of it.

Chase looks at me, his eyes filled with resignation. “But I am, Sammy. And I’m finally okay with it. You know why? Because you’re here. You’ve always been the best brother, my biggest cheerleader. And you’ll be the glue that holds everyone together when I’m gone.”

I fist the sides of my head and stomp toward the window. Staring out at the city of Oakland, thousands of twinkling lights blink back at me. My pulse throbs against the side of my throat, a knot of tears lodging in my throat. A tingling sensation assaults my nose and I stare at the ceiling to keep my eyes from watering.

“This world needs you, Chase,” I finally say, turning around just as I hear a knock on the doorframe.

Rae stands there, spots of pink coloring her cheeks, her lips curled into one of the smiles she usually has reserved for Chase.

“It does. And God must agree because…” She steps into the room, her eyes shining with tears. “I just got a call. We have a heart.”